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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awkward intimate moment? **Trigger warning**

126 replies

EagleAndTheHawk · 10/09/2019 15:21

Been with partner almost 6 years, we have 2DC and it's quite a good relationship.

DD was born 4 months ago, and until last week I wasn't ready to have sex. Mixture of being absolutely drained/tired and not feeling too great about appearance.

Night 1, we have sex, everything is fine

Night 2, he asks if we can do it again, I say no, don't feel like it maybe tomorrow night.
I went to bed, fell asleep pretty easily. And then I woke up and he was touching me, I think he noticed I had woken, and put his penis inside and started do it.
Usually whenever he has done this I push him off and tell him no, he gets in a huff and that's that. But this time I couldn't move, I couldn't even speak. He kept asking if I was into it, because he didn't feel that I was and didn't want to continue if I wasn't. He stopped after a few minutes and I eventually rolled away, went to bathroom and had a little cry whilst I waited for him to fall asleep.

He keeps trying to initiate something but I still feel upset about that night which is stupid, I know. I just want some advice to deal with it and move on and get back to normal.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 10/09/2019 15:23

How many times has he penetrated you when you were asleep?
That's sexual assault. Your response is perfectly normal!

CousinKrispy · 10/09/2019 15:26

I don't think it sounds stupid at all to feel upset about it :-(

did you two have any kind of standing agreement previously that it is OK for him to start touching you and having sex with you while you are asleep?

I would find being sexually used by my partner while I'm asleep very icky. Some people like it but I think it really needs a conversation to clarify whether it is on the icky or OK side for you.

I'm sorry this happened to you and hope you are doing OK.

Hedgehogblues · 10/09/2019 15:28

Christ, why do so many women put up with godawful men?

happyasasandboy · 10/09/2019 15:33

I'm sorry your partner has treated you like this. To an outsider, this basically reads as;

He asked if we could.
I said no.
He waited until I was asleep and did it anyway.

That's no ok. In fact it's so not ok that it's illegal. Whether married or not.

I am sad and angry for you. I've no idea how I would take it forward, but it would certainly be the end of my relationship, despite a 4 month old baby, and may involve reporting to the police if I could muster the strength to see it through.

AlexaAmbidextra · 10/09/2019 15:38

Usually whenever he has done this I push him off and tell him no

So this is regular behaviour from this vile man?

picklemepopcorn · 10/09/2019 15:38

I'm so sorry. That's terrible, an awful breach of trust.

I honestly don't know whether I would ever trust him again.

stucknoue · 10/09/2019 15:41

It depends if this was allowed in your relationship, h always told me liked being touched in his sleep and complained that I didn't (no longer an issue as he's leaving). Otherwise it is assault

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/09/2019 15:48

He’s sexually assaulted you. You told him you didn’t want to have sex. He knew you didn’t want to have sex. He tried to have sex with you anyway. I’d be contacting the police and leaving him, immediately. How can you ever trust him to respect your bodily integrity if he doesn’t care whether you’ve consented or not? How can you “go back to normal” when he’s telling you that normal is whatever he wants and who cares what you want?

And I’m not speaking from some “hysterical” perspective on this: in my relationship, this would be fine, my DP has blanket consent to wake me with sex whenever. But you’ve made it very clear to yours that he doesn’t.

Do you have a good friend you trust who you could talk to?

FuriousVexation · 10/09/2019 16:22

OP, you didn't have an awkward moment my love. Your husband raped you. And it sounds like he's done so, or attempted to do so, many times in the past.

I know that's really hard to hear, but that is the reality of the situation.

I really strongly suggest contacting Rape Crisis for support. You can also speak to your HV. If you have any residual pain from the attack, please seek medical attention.

You did not deserve this lovey. You don't need to "deal with it and move on." He needs to accept what he's done, be incredibly thankful that you aren't pressing charges, and fuck off out of your life never to return.

Many things in a marriage can be dealt with and moved on from. Rape isn't one of them.

Chalfontstgiles · 10/09/2019 16:29

It’s like a sly assault. Someone goes to sleep in the safety of their own bed having said nicely “not tonight” and he sticks it in anyway, once you’re out of it?! Does he think it’s his marital right to assault you OP. I’m not surprised you’re bloody upset. If you love him, and it sounds like you do, I’d be having a very very stern last chance saloon type chat - with no room for misunderstanding. Asking someone after you’ve popped it in is crappy when they clearly said no to begin with.

NewMe2019 · 10/09/2019 16:31

Sex without consent is rape OP Flowers. He categorically did NOT have your consent. And it sounds like this is a regular occurance.

Chalfontstgiles · 10/09/2019 16:38

Have you previously had him penetrate you in the night and then gone on to have consensual sex? Sorry. But I think that’s important to ask. Clearly what he did was 100% wrong however I think the backdrop of what you both normally do and get up to as a couple is important to give a bit of context here. Has he apologised? Recognised this was wrong and has hurt you?

madcatladyforever · 10/09/2019 16:41

This is marital rape pure and simple.

madcatladyforever · 10/09/2019 16:42

i would have clobbered him with the nearest thing that came to hand. In fact I did when my ex tried that once. He never dared do it again.

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2019 16:44

He's raped you and he's continuing to do so
Can you call women's aid or rape crisis?
You need to leave him

Bitchfeatures · 10/09/2019 16:50

You said no. He had no right to touch you, or penetrate you whilst you was sleep.
If someone did this to your DD when she was older what would you say? Think about that and take your own advice.
What he did was rape, you might be married but he has no right whatsoever to touch you after you have said no.
He's disgusting, take your children and get as far away from that vile excuse of a man as you can. Also consider calling the police.

Chloemol · 10/09/2019 16:52

Sorry let me get this straight, he has done this before, you have to push him off and say no, and you stay with him!!!,,,

Unless you have previously agreed you are happy for him to do this when you are asleep, and your post indicates you haven’t it’s rape. Dispute you saying no to this on a number of occasions he continues.

It would have been a dealbreaker for me years ago

He needs to understand this is not right and stop doing it, you need to talk to him and tell him what he is doing is rape and it has to stop. If it doesn’t I would definitely be leaving

Rainbowhairdontcare · 10/09/2019 16:57

As some others have said it's important to establish if this is normal in your relationship. I reckon it isn't from what you've described. It would be normal in mine, I actually quite like it. But we've never had one night when I've said no... He's said no once and that was eons ago

ThirstyGhost · 10/09/2019 16:57

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You said no. He then decided, "I'll just wait until she's unconscious". It's awful. Is there anyone close to you you could confide in? The above helplines others have suggested would be good to contact to help you start to process what has happened.

sweetkitty · 10/09/2019 16:58

There’s so many of these threads it’s heartbreaking. Sad

OP you’ve been sexually assaulted, you said no, he waited until you were sleeping and did it anyway without consent, that is rape. What kind of nice man does that?

Why do we feel we need to put up with this as women? Keep quiet for the sake of not upsetting our nice little family and be used as a rank hole if a man feels horny. Drives me mad.

Original poster
EagleAndTheHawk · 10/09/2019 16:59

I honestly couldn't say how many times he's done this whilst I've been asleep. There have been times I've woken in the morning to find I'm naked from the waist down and a used condom on the floor, or I've woken, tried pushing him off and he'll just carry on, and sometimes he will get off and go to bed in a mood because he couldn't finish. But it's always been a no go to have sex while I sleep.

The thing is though, he's not hurting me, so I don't really see it as rape?

OP posts:
Crazybunnylady123 · 10/09/2019 17:02

He’s vile. You have to leave this man, you poor thing!

JetPlanesMeeting · 10/09/2019 17:04

So you are just a hole to fuck when he feels like it? Do you ever have sex whilst you are awake?

I can't get over how this is okay with you. He has conditioned you to accept it as normal because he isn't hurting you. You have just had a baby.

This is all about his wants and he will do whether you consented or not.

I have been with Dh for over 20 years, I have never had sex against my wishes. If I don't want to it is fine, just like if he doesn't want to. At no time has he ever gone off to sleep "in a huff" because he isn't a teenager.

SeraphinaDombegh · 10/09/2019 17:04

Rape is sex without consent, OP. If you haven't given consent, he's raped you. Repeatedly. I'm so, so sorry Flowers

Rainbowhairdontcare · 10/09/2019 17:04

Rape is any non consensual sex regardless if it hurts or not.

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