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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awkward intimate moment? **Trigger warning**

126 replies

EagleAndTheHawk · 10/09/2019 15:21

Been with partner almost 6 years, we have 2DC and it's quite a good relationship.

DD was born 4 months ago, and until last week I wasn't ready to have sex. Mixture of being absolutely drained/tired and not feeling too great about appearance.

Night 1, we have sex, everything is fine

Night 2, he asks if we can do it again, I say no, don't feel like it maybe tomorrow night.
I went to bed, fell asleep pretty easily. And then I woke up and he was touching me, I think he noticed I had woken, and put his penis inside and started do it.
Usually whenever he has done this I push him off and tell him no, he gets in a huff and that's that. But this time I couldn't move, I couldn't even speak. He kept asking if I was into it, because he didn't feel that I was and didn't want to continue if I wasn't. He stopped after a few minutes and I eventually rolled away, went to bathroom and had a little cry whilst I waited for him to fall asleep.

He keeps trying to initiate something but I still feel upset about that night which is stupid, I know. I just want some advice to deal with it and move on and get back to normal.

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 10/09/2019 19:10

If you weren't bothered about this, I wouldn't be - regardless of how odd it sounds. However, you are bothered about - and so am I. This is rape.
There is no excusing this behaviour.

I understand not wanting to break up the family, and I think that's very generous of you. However, he needs to understand that what he's been doing is rape, and that it stops now.

Aria2015 · 10/09/2019 19:19

It's totally wrong and not normal behaviour. If you absolutely would not consider breaking up in this instance then you need to tell him in the cold light of day, that if he does it again then he's out the door and you need to mean it. You shouldn't let someone abuse you like this. You say you value your family too much to break up, I hope he does too because that's exactly what you should tell him he’ll be losing if he does it again.

PumpkinP · 10/09/2019 19:22

Seems a lot men obviously think this behaviour is normal as there seems to be threads about this at least once a week.

Isitnearlyweekend · 10/09/2019 19:43

It’s called rape. Please report him to the Police and contact your nearest sexual assault forensic examination centre (sometimes called a safe centre and often attached to your local hospital).

The more you let him get away with this behaviour the more it becomes normalised.

ThirstyGhost · 10/09/2019 19:46

AnnonniMoose Take your "curiosity" somewhere else. Do some research online if you really can't understand the different responses of the victim to rape and assault.

AnnonniMoose · 10/09/2019 20:15

@ThirstyGhost - I was simply curious. But perhaps that's because I'm a very sleeper, and if someone so much as stirs next to me I wake up. I've never experienced sleep that deep, so it seems a mystery to me. I wasn't being nasty or stirring.

AnnonniMoose · 10/09/2019 20:15

@ThirstyGhost - and I have been raped, if that helps.

PumpkinP · 10/09/2019 20:34

I don’t think AnnonniMoose said anything wrong it’s very unusual to sleep through being penatrated I can’t imagine many people would unless drink or drugs were involved? Or medication maybe?

ThirstyGhost · 10/09/2019 20:39

Dissociation, freezing and even falling asleep are quite common responses. Look up trauma responses. You think it's ok to question the victim on her thread about her responses. "Why didn't you?..." anything - just don't.

PlanningMyEscape · 10/09/2019 20:45

OP I have been through similar with my DH. I woke up to find his hands around my throat with him already inside me. I froze because I was so shocked and upset. Then cried myself back to sleep.
DH has never accepted it was non-consensual. He gets angry whenever I mention the word rape. It has happened around a dozen times.
I don't want to go to the police. Like you, my DC adore him so I don't want their father locked up. He would also lose his job which would have a knock on effect financially.
I have spent two years trying to accept and forgive him for what he has done to me. If he accepted responsibility for his actions and apologised then I think I could stay with him. But he won't. He cannot see he has done anything wrong. As a result I have been putting things in place to leave him. If everything goes to plan, I will be taking a new job which is on the cards before Christmas which helpfully has a house provided with the job. Staying with someone who has so little respect for me, my feelings and body and can't accept that he has treated me badly. It's affecting my MH.
OP please discuss what your DP does to you with Women's Aid. Then discuss it with your DP. How he reacts may tell you everything you need to know. Flowers

PumpkinP · 10/09/2019 20:48

She didn’t say she froze she seemed to be totally unaware that it happened till the morning so must have slept through, no one is doubting it but it sounds like he could have put something in her drink for that to happen.

IDrinkAndISewThings · 10/09/2019 20:49

It really saddens me how often this comes up on Mumsnet, I don't think a month has gone by where we haven't had a post about a woman who has discovered her partner touching/penetrating her while she slept. How fucking awful that so many women are going through this, and questioning whether it's an assault or not.
OP the main phrase in the comments that leapt out at me was 'an unconscious person does not want or need sex' - if you don't want or need sex at that point in time, it should not be happening to your body. WANT is the key word here - do you WANT your husband to penetrate you while you sleep? No? Then it doesn't get to happen.
Please, tell him. Tell him you told him you didn't want sex, you were deeply upset that he did what he did, and that it must never, ever happen again.

IDrinkAndISewThings · 10/09/2019 20:53

@PlanningMyEscape good for you, I truly hope your plans come to fruition and you can escape this, I don't want to even use the word relationship, this torment. You're doing the right thing.

picklemepopcorn · 10/09/2019 20:55

Do we need to start an information/education campaign? "It's not ok to have sex with your wife/girlfriend when she's asleep." Not a catchy message...

blueshoes · 10/09/2019 20:58

Usually whenever he has done this I push him off and tell him no, he gets in a huff and that's that. But this time I couldn't move, I couldn't even speak

You could not move or speak. I would have thought you were drugged as well.

Vanhi · 10/09/2019 21:09

You could not move or speak. I would have thought you were drugged as well.

She froze in fear. It's not uncommon. I'm not sure why people find this difficult to understand. It's a survival reflex. Really, have you never been in a situation where your brain is saying one thing and your body is doing quite another.

FusionChefGeoff · 10/09/2019 21:10

You need to tell him very very clearly.

'I've been thinking about the other night - and I know I haven't said anything before but, from now on, I don't want you to touch me or do anything else when I'm asleep. It's not right and I don't like it so please stop'

Can't get much more black and white. So if he ever then does it again, he's proved exactly what he thinks about you and you should feel ok about kicking his sorry ass out.

Nancyjuice7 · 10/09/2019 21:19

How much do you trust this man?

As others have said he has raped you multiple times. He has broken your trust, and behaved immorally and illegally. He sees you as a means to an end, I'm sorry to say it but you need to question if this man is safe around your children. What if your not there, what if he moves onto someone who can't say no when you do? I don't mean to sound awful but a man who can do this to his wife, to me, has a distorted view on sex and I would be checking in on my children and any doubts, leaving him.

bombomboobah · 10/09/2019 21:37

Planning
That sounds horrific how awful for you, I'm glad that you're leaving him, I hope you can also get justice one day, this man is despicable

FuckFacePlatapus · 10/09/2019 21:40

Did you give him consent to shag you whilst you were asleep? Because if you did not regardless whether he hurt you or not, its rape.

KnifeAngel · 10/09/2019 21:47

You don't have to put up with this. Your husband who is supposed to love and care for you is raping you.

Notcoolmum · 10/09/2019 21:54

My husband used to do this. We discussed it. I was clear he did not have my consent to touch me or have sex with my whilst I was asleep. He carried on doing it. I used to feel afraid in my own bed. It is such a relief to be able to go to bed and feel safe now.

Quartz2208 · 10/09/2019 21:55

These are not good father figures and I suspect shows as well in other things.

He is showing your son completely the wrong way of how to treat people.

He is continually raping you and not caring

Whatevskev · 10/09/2019 21:59

OP it would be very odd to be staying completely asleep whilst someone undresses you and has full sex with you unless you have consumed considerable amounts of alcohol or used drugs.

Is this the case? It doesn’t make it ok what he is doing of course it doesn’t but it explains the deep sleep.
Because if you aren’t yourself consuming either of those then it raises the possibility that he is drugging you so he can rape you?

ChodeMcwinkle · 10/09/2019 22:06

Oh my god your husband is raping you regularly this is so unbelievably wrong! I'm so sorry this is happening to you Thanks