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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awkward intimate moment? **Trigger warning**

126 replies

EagleAndTheHawk · 10/09/2019 15:21

Been with partner almost 6 years, we have 2DC and it's quite a good relationship.

DD was born 4 months ago, and until last week I wasn't ready to have sex. Mixture of being absolutely drained/tired and not feeling too great about appearance.

Night 1, we have sex, everything is fine

Night 2, he asks if we can do it again, I say no, don't feel like it maybe tomorrow night.
I went to bed, fell asleep pretty easily. And then I woke up and he was touching me, I think he noticed I had woken, and put his penis inside and started do it.
Usually whenever he has done this I push him off and tell him no, he gets in a huff and that's that. But this time I couldn't move, I couldn't even speak. He kept asking if I was into it, because he didn't feel that I was and didn't want to continue if I wasn't. He stopped after a few minutes and I eventually rolled away, went to bathroom and had a little cry whilst I waited for him to fall asleep.

He keeps trying to initiate something but I still feel upset about that night which is stupid, I know. I just want some advice to deal with it and move on and get back to normal.

OP posts:
MargotMoon · 10/09/2019 22:08

Maybe everyone can stop posting on here for a bit about how she has been raped, that message is loud and clear. She's probably freaking out right now and doesn't need to be frightened away from her own thread.

Original poster
EagleAndTheHawk · 10/09/2019 22:12

Honestly, I don't know how I slept through it. I wish I did wake up but I didn't and I don't know why.

OP posts:
carlywurly · 10/09/2019 22:16

He's not sedating you somehow is he? Hmm do you feel otherwise ok when you wake up? Beyond the obvious distress.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

Whatevskev · 10/09/2019 22:18

OP would you consider ringing a professional helpline tomorrow?

Women’s aid would listen if you don’t feel you want to talk to a sexual assault line like rape crisis.

You have been so brave just to post here.

letsdolunch321 · 10/09/2019 22:19

Basically OP you are not consenting as you are not awake. This reported to police would be under the category of RAPE.

A few years ago I was part of a jury who found a guy guilty of this very behaviour. He was sentenced.

Biggie123 · 10/09/2019 22:29

@EagleAndTheHawk there is a wisdom in our reactions. Perhaps you slept through as your ego knew it did not want to become conscious of what was happening. Do not tell yourself off for how you have reacted. Trust that it was right for you to get through it.

It feels like you are sacrificing yourself for your child’s happiness. Can your partner - who does this to you - really be a good father? He abuses you. Does his abusive nature not come out in other ways too?

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this.

BraveGoldie · 10/09/2019 22:50

Op, I agree with all the other posters. Your husband is raping you.

I guess I am adding my voice, because sometimes I am encouraging a more moderate reaction.... sometimes I think it is possible for a partner to try touching their partner as a way of waking them hoping for sex, and if a clear conversation about what you feel is not ok hasn't happened, I don't think that alone is assault. And there have been threads like that on here. But that is not the situation here.

You have said sex while you were asleep was a clear no no. And he has clearly had sex with you while you are asleep. You don't need to be physically injured or hurt for it to be rape. You did not consent. And it is not right. I am so sorry. ☹️☹️

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 10/09/2019 22:50

@EagleAndTheHawk my children slept soundly whilst a bookshelf full of books crashed onto the ground right next to them- making the biggest racket ever! I am a deep sleeper- unless you are my child you cannot wake me from a deep sleep, no amount of shouting or arm shaking can wake me. Yet if one of my kids walks in the room I wake instantly!

OP you have a 4 month old baby! The sleep deprivation in the early months can be horrific! Your partner has clearly either taken advantage of your deep sleeping, or drugged you somehow.

Eagle please don’t let posts saying you can’t have slept through being raped, upset you or make you doubt what happened! Your partner has raped and assaulted you multiple times. You didn’t do anything to deserve that- he had no right to use and abuse your body like that- no right!

dontgobaconmyheart · 10/09/2019 23:36

OP this is incredibly difficult I am sure. Making excuses for it and minimising it isn't a reflection of reality though, your husband is raping and assaulting you. He knows he is doing it. He is hurting you, very deeply, and the evidence of that is showing in the fact you are finding intimacy difficult, and the confusion you feel over the situation. Not all hurt is physical.

Your DH knows that sex without consent is rape and he knows a sleeping person cannot consent, anything otherwise is pretence to prevent you from calling it what it is. He ignores your replies that you don't feel like it and attempts sex anyway. He is disgusting OP. Absolutely disgusting, and a criminal. There is a reason so many people here are angry on your behalf.

This is not part of a normal healthy relationship or marriage in any way shape or form so please do not allow him to make you feel that it is. You are not fair game. No women are.

So sorry OP, I recommend reaching out to your GP, or a local sexual assault help centre, googling rainn or rapecrisis if you would feel comfortable to do so, there is no obligation to 'do' anything, it is entirely confidential and you may find the information about consent and marital rape easier to digest in your own time than a load of us on here saying it. Flowers

cutebutscary · 11/09/2019 01:47

@EagleAndTheHawk is there any chance at all that he could be drugging you in any way ? It just seems like something you would genuinely not be able to sleep through, although I have had no experience of this thankfully so don't know but I just wanted to mention it in case it hasn't crossed your mind previously . Gosh I feel awful for you . It sounds so horrible 💐

Boysey45 · 11/09/2019 20:25

I hope your o.k today love.Please make steps to leave him.

SignedUpJust4This · 11/09/2019 21:21

I have heard stories of husbands drugging their wives like this. Be careful OP. This is rape.

BarbaraStrozzi · 11/09/2019 22:39

@EagleAndTheHawk, Flowers. I have a younger relative (now an adult) who was sexually abused by an adult in a position of trust when he was about 12. He used to fall asleep during or immediately after the assaults as a psychological defence mechanism. Years later, in his twenties, he encountered his abuser in a youth hostel dorm. He told me he found it the weirdest thing - but his body just immediately shut down, just as it had when he was 12, and he fell into a deep sleep.

Trauma, and the mind's attempts to protect us from trauma overwhelming us, does really, really strange things to us. Do not beat yourself up - yours is one of a range of quite common responses.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 11/09/2019 23:03

I find it unlikely that a -I'm sorry, I can't call him a man- who regularly rapes his wife would have scruples about drugging her tbh.

Sweetheart, this must be one hell of a shock for you. Please, please consider why you are happy to continue being assaulted on a regular basis. This is NOT OK. It's not normal, it's not legal, and sorry but it's not going to get any better.

He can be a father without continuing to be your abuser.

SeraphinaDombegh · 19/09/2019 00:12

How are you doing now OP? It must have felt overwhelming to read everyone's responses here, I hope you've been able to take it all in and think about what to do next.

Raspberrytruffle · 19/09/2019 01:09

OP please report the dirty bastard he is regularly raping you, even if it's not hurting you it's still rape. If you dont feel like you have the strength to go through with it atleast consider getting a lock on your bedroom so you can sleep safely

OkPedro · 19/09/2019 01:48

I’d be doubtful that you slept through your OH having sex with you without you being either drunk or drugged Sad Sorry eagleandthehawk Flowers
My ex had sex with me when I was steaming drunk I had even vomited
He woke me before he left for work suggesting I get the MAP as we might have had sex during the night Hmm
He knew exactly what he had done. I would have been practically unconscious! Why would anyone want to have sex with someone that is asleep/unconscious/drunk?!

Onitlikeademon · 19/09/2019 06:18

My oh can sleep through anything, I can kick him in the butt and he wouldn’t wake up !!! Some people are just extremely heavy sleepers.

Hcisab · 19/09/2019 09:16

This is horrible to read. I was with a guy for 5 years who for the last 2 used to do this. I used to wake up with him inside me, he'd wake me up so we could have sex and any time I said no he would get in a huff with me. Sometimes I would just let him do it to avoid argument and slowly sob to myself the whole way through, it didn't stop him.

It's hard to see it when you are in this situation but it's NOT normal and it IS rape. It's difficult to see it as you think he's not hurting you, you're in a relationship, maybe you should be having sex ect but it's not right. Nobody has the right to even touch you without you 100% wanting it.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, please don't let him make you think this is normal or okay, it's not.

I know it's probably hard reading everyone's comments, it's a lot to get you're head around and it may take a little time but when you are ready please try and think about your next move. Sending you love and strength, it's so horrible Sad

75Renarde · 19/09/2019 10:07

OP, this is God damn awful. I am so sorry. Flowers

This is rape. Multiple times. For another to violate another's body without full INFORMED CONSENT creates trauma within the body.

This will eventually result in dissociation both mental and physically. This means serious trauma has already happened its just that your mind has shut it off from you.

I believe this is PTSD. You must get help. Go immediately to your doctors on an emergency appointment. You will need to explain why. It needs to be logged for your own sake perhaps further down the line.

PM me if you need lovely. I've been through this. As have MANY.

75Renarde · 19/09/2019 10:08

Oh and I totally agree with PPs who say you're being drugged.

Interestedwoman · 19/09/2019 12:35

Hi, the others have said all there is to say, I just wanted to add to their voices. It's rape, it's always been rape, and it's not ok even if you don't have physical wounds. Hugs. xx

P.S. I had the same happen to me a fair few times with an ex. It took me a while, still in the relationship, to realise it was rape. I think I gave it as one of my reasons to leave the relationship

SBD1 · 19/09/2019 15:28

My husband used to do this.

I left him because of it.

He did it after I left him (took painkillers passed out on a visit to his house to see DS)

I submitted those divorce papers quicker than you can fart

Interestedwoman · 19/09/2019 18:00

@SBD1 I'm so orry to hear that happened to you :( Hugs xxx

Interestedwoman · 19/09/2019 18:00

*sorry x

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