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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awkward intimate moment? **Trigger warning**

126 replies

EagleAndTheHawk · 10/09/2019 15:21

Been with partner almost 6 years, we have 2DC and it's quite a good relationship.

DD was born 4 months ago, and until last week I wasn't ready to have sex. Mixture of being absolutely drained/tired and not feeling too great about appearance.

Night 1, we have sex, everything is fine

Night 2, he asks if we can do it again, I say no, don't feel like it maybe tomorrow night.
I went to bed, fell asleep pretty easily. And then I woke up and he was touching me, I think he noticed I had woken, and put his penis inside and started do it.
Usually whenever he has done this I push him off and tell him no, he gets in a huff and that's that. But this time I couldn't move, I couldn't even speak. He kept asking if I was into it, because he didn't feel that I was and didn't want to continue if I wasn't. He stopped after a few minutes and I eventually rolled away, went to bathroom and had a little cry whilst I waited for him to fall asleep.

He keeps trying to initiate something but I still feel upset about that night which is stupid, I know. I just want some advice to deal with it and move on and get back to normal.

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 10/09/2019 17:05

He's a disgusting excuse for a human being tbh. He rapes you whilst you sleep so clearly had no respect for you or your body. I would report him to the police and tell him to leave. My dh would never ever do anything with out my consent.

SunshineCake · 10/09/2019 17:06

He's hurting you emotionally, love.

It is only through reading posts on here that I realise I Amy have been raped technically by two boyfriends. It's a really sobering and scary thought and I can't admit it to my self.

Please have a very clear and serious talk with him. Forget what has gone before in terms of you saying it is ok, acting like it is ok, him thinking it's okay and tell him in no uncertain terms he has assaulted you and if it happens again you will be calling the police and divorcing him.

LadyGodiva83 · 10/09/2019 17:06

Having sex with someone who doesn't consent is rape.

He is hurting you emotionally, physically hurting you us irrelevant. It's still rape.

Having gentle sex with someone unconscious who hasn't consented is rape.

Leave him- this makes me feel sick for you :(

MrBobLobLaw · 10/09/2019 17:07

He doesn't have to be hurting you for it to be rape OP. And he is raping you. Im so sorry.

sweetkitty · 10/09/2019 17:11

Oh this makes me cry for you OP, you’ve woken up naked from the waist down with a used condom on the floor? He thinks of you as little more than a blow up doll? What man would get off on having sex with an unconscious woman? It’s totally sick, he’s totally sick.

My OH has never even tried to have sex with me when I’ve been asleep, he knows better than to wake me plus part of having sex is two people enjoying themselves.

You poor thing

Hooferdoofer37 · 10/09/2019 17:12

Sweetheart, he is raping you.

If your mother or daughter or friend was asleep on the sofa downstairs and he got up in the middle of the night, penetrated her and when she tried to push him off, continued to climax, would you be ok with that? No, of course you wouldn't because it's rape.

Please love yourself as much as you love the other females in your life and get away from this rapist ASAP.

Original poster
EagleAndTheHawk · 10/09/2019 17:14

I know it sounds stupid but I can't break up the family, my son adores his dad and I feel like because I've kind of accepted it in the past I can't really use it against him.

I want it all to stop but without ruining everything for the children.

OP posts:
LadyGodiva83 · 10/09/2019 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dementornator · 10/09/2019 17:16

I waited quite a while after my first to have sex again as I had a bad tear. After the (doctor recommended) 6 weeks, dh did ask a couple of times. I could see he was a little sexually frustrated. At no point, however, did he pressure me or try to do it anyway while I was asleep. He respected my wishes and waited until I was completely ready. If he asked and I said no, that was the end of that.

Please don’t stand for that kind of behaviour. He is raping you. He’s putting his needs before yours. He doesn’t respect you at all

Tooner · 10/09/2019 17:16

Oh dear God OP everything you have wrote down is just so so awful. You need to get away from him.

Dementornator · 10/09/2019 17:17

LadyGodiva83

You vile, vile person. How dare you

Jesse70 · 10/09/2019 17:19

If my partner initiated sex when I was sleeping it would not bother me however if I had told him earlier I did not want to then that's a different story
That's out of order and it is rape just because he's in a relationship with you doesn't mean he has the right to you whenever he wants
It's up to you what u do now
Personally I would have a chat with him and explain what he did it really out of order and tell him how it has made you feel he may have had previous relationships that this has been the norm (which doesn't excuse but could explain) make sure he's aware of the boundaries

Gazelda · 10/09/2019 17:21

Ladygodiva83 that's a hideous thing to say to someone who is going through something so upsetting. You should be bloody ashamed of yourself.

OP, it (almost) doesn't matter what you call it. It upsets you and you don't want him to do it. He has no right to do it.

Can you call someone to talk it through, and get some strength to put an end to his violation?

Whatevskev · 10/09/2019 17:24

OP none of what you describe is a consensual healthy sexual relationship

The rape when asleep, the sulking, the carrying on when you don’t say anything.

It may have become your norm but it’s really not ok- and it’s illegal for that very reason although I appreciate how extreme that may sound to you.

But please believe us- his behaviour is abusive and you do not have to accept this as how it is.

If you raise it with him what does he say? Does he or would he even vaguely accept that having sex with a partner who is asleep and has said no just before sleeping is wrong and in fact assault?

Lipz · 10/09/2019 17:24

OMG, as others have said you are being raped. It's never too late to put a stop to what he is doing.

You say : But it's always been a no go to have sex while I sleep but then say : There have been times I've woken in the morning to find I'm naked from the waist down and a used condom on the floor, or I've woken, tried pushing him off and he'll just carry on he is raping you while you sleep, this is horrendous.

Your child/ren can have a relationship with him even if you leave him, the plus side is you won't be raped on a regular basis.

crazychemist · 10/09/2019 17:25

Crickey, OP. That’s not ok. I wasn’t sure to start with, because it depends on the boundaries of your relationship. DH often used to wake me up in that way in the morning, but that was something we were both ok with, and he would stop if I wasn’t keen, end of, no complaining. But your update is heartbreaking. That’s just not ok.

Fannybaws52 · 10/09/2019 17:26

Wtf? You've got serious blinkers on, OP.

This isnt how a normal man behaves who loves and respects his partner. You are being raped and abused but have convinced yourself it will all be okay.

It won't. Your body and mind know what he is. The mask he wears will slip further and further.

Save yourself.

SunshineCake · 10/09/2019 17:30

He's the one breaking up your family.

Doesn't matter if you accepted it before, EVEN THOUGH YOU DIDN'T, but you don't now. When your kids find out you stayed with their rapist father for them it will hurt them beyond belief.

Get out of this non relationship.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 10/09/2019 17:31

OP it might not have physically hurt but you were afraid, your body froze in response to being violated by your partner! This is breaking you inside, your soul is hurting- or you wouldn’t have cried in the bathroom, waiting for your rapist to fall asleep!

You deserve better, if you were to imagine that you are with your adult daughter, or someone precious that you love, how would you comfort her if she told you her partner was raping her in her sleep. Would you advise her to stay in the relationship? Or would you help her get the hell away from her rapist?

You know the answer! Your partner is abusing, no raping you- I would imagine he is abusive in other ways too- you deserve better! Please contact Woman’s Aid, look into the freedom program and a book called ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft .

yellowallpaper · 10/09/2019 17:33

This is seriously awful OP. It is rape. Rape isn't always in a dark alley. It's about consent and you clearly are not consenting if you are asleep.

Honestly it's just awful and he needs to know how unacceptable it is. I would ask him to sleep separately from you and put a lock on the bedroom door, and tell him, if he objects, you are tired of him raping you.

Your relationship needs seriously looking at

Derbee · 10/09/2019 17:36

This is rape. It is unacceptable. You should absolutely leave him, you are not safe. If you won’t leave him, you need to be clear that this cannot happen again.

gingersausage · 10/09/2019 17:38

I think there needs to be a big public campaign to show that rape is any sex you didn’t want or specifically agree to. I feel like there are still so many women who think that rape has to involve violence or a stranger for it to be actual rape.

I can understand your horror at the realisation your husband is basically a sex offender, and you have my huge sympathy. It must be awful to be faced with the grim reality that what he’s doing to you is so awful.

You shouldn't ever need to tell your own husband not to rape you, but you do need to tell him. Tell him if he ever lays one finger on you again without explicit consent, your marriage will be over as will his relationship with his children.

YouJustDoYou · 10/09/2019 17:38

Er...that's rape, op.

YouJustDoYou · 10/09/2019 17:41

In terms he might understand - Someone says to him, "give me your money". Him - "no". Other person....waits until he's asleep, takes it anyway. Would he only then realise that taking sex whenever he wants despite you saying no is actually wrong? That it's fucking RAPE? When will these men learn they are not entitled to sex.

timshelthechoice · 10/09/2019 17:43

What Hedgehog says. OMFG! Can you imagine one of your own daughters in a relationship with a vile pig like this? He is raping you, OP. He's a rapist. What he is doing is a crime.

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