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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awkward intimate moment? **Trigger warning**

126 replies

EagleAndTheHawk · 10/09/2019 15:21

Been with partner almost 6 years, we have 2DC and it's quite a good relationship.

DD was born 4 months ago, and until last week I wasn't ready to have sex. Mixture of being absolutely drained/tired and not feeling too great about appearance.

Night 1, we have sex, everything is fine

Night 2, he asks if we can do it again, I say no, don't feel like it maybe tomorrow night.
I went to bed, fell asleep pretty easily. And then I woke up and he was touching me, I think he noticed I had woken, and put his penis inside and started do it.
Usually whenever he has done this I push him off and tell him no, he gets in a huff and that's that. But this time I couldn't move, I couldn't even speak. He kept asking if I was into it, because he didn't feel that I was and didn't want to continue if I wasn't. He stopped after a few minutes and I eventually rolled away, went to bathroom and had a little cry whilst I waited for him to fall asleep.

He keeps trying to initiate something but I still feel upset about that night which is stupid, I know. I just want some advice to deal with it and move on and get back to normal.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 10/09/2019 17:44

You can’t stay in the marriage with how things stand right now, so if you really feel you want to continue with it then some serious changes need to be made. Firstly you need to get him to understand how his actions make you feel and how when you say no you mean no.

You really need to be honest with him, lay it all out there and then if he continues then you know what you have to do. Your children can be happy without their mother being violated on a regular basis.

What is the rest of your marriage like?

timshelthechoice · 10/09/2019 17:46

Leave you naked from the waist down and his filthy johnnie on the floor for you to pick up. That's sickening.

Boysey45 · 10/09/2019 17:46

You need to leave this vile pig of a man. Can you call womens aid or rape crisis? or even the police and get him removed? I'd divorce him Op, no doubt about it.

Myriade · 10/09/2019 17:47

yep it is rape and he clearly think its an ok thing to do :(
Its not because you havent been hurting that it isnt.
And actualy you might not have been hurt physically but you have been hurt psychologically, hence the cry afterwards.

As for breaking the family...
1- HE broke the family by raping you and not respecting your boundaries. No means NO. Not No until Im asleep and unable to consent.
2- Do you think you will ever trust him again?
3- Are you willing to stay with a man who you KNOW is likely to treat you with the utmost disrespect (and rape you) again?

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2019 17:48

Op, have you posted about this before? How do you not wake up when he undressed you and has sex with you, ie when you wake up naked from the waist down and a used condom on the floor?

Is there alcohol involved? I think that was the issue the last time this was posted.

MrsPellegrinoPetrichor · 10/09/2019 17:49

OP, you didn't have an awkward moment my love. Your husband raped you. And it sounds like he's done so, or attempted to do so, many times in the past

Yes he didSad

MaeveDidIt · 10/09/2019 17:50

Er what a gross bastard.
You need to have a Serious chat with him about consent/rape.

bombomboobah · 10/09/2019 17:53

This is appalling, he is treating you like a piece of equipment to which he has a right of access

bombomboobah · 10/09/2019 17:57

you think it's ok because he wasnt forceful or violent, and he hasnt injured your body,
but he has injured your mind, it's a way of crushing you, turning you from a person into a thing
what he is doing is 'telling' you that he owns you and he can do what he likes to you, that you are nothing but a thing for him use as he sees fit

Shouldibeworriedaboutthis · 10/09/2019 17:58

At least yours asks if you’re into it

pooopypants · 10/09/2019 17:59

OP, Sweetheart, this isn't about if it hurt or not. You said NO. You did not give consent

Can you speak to someone IRL, even Women's Aid etc?

This is far from normal and absolutely wrong, on so many levels. He's taking advantage of you and sexually abusing you. It may be hard to admit to, but he is. He's a vile and despicable excuse for a man. You're not some glory hole he can just use when he's horny.

Please, for the sake of you and your child, speak to someone, preferably the Police or someone in authority, even your GP.

AlrightOkNow · 10/09/2019 17:59

It's rape. How would you feel if your son did this to someone?! I would question what unhealthy views of sex and consent your DH will pass on to him when he's older. If you had a daughter would you tell her it's fine and she should put up with it for the sake of her family?

I'd be seriously questioning my husband's character if he did this to me, what else is he up to that I don't know about? What might he be capable of? Being married to someone doesn't entitle you to sex whenever you want.

For a reminder, these are the things that are not consent in this photo.

Awkward intimate moment? **Trigger warning**
bombomboobah · 10/09/2019 18:04

he is a sexual predator

AnnonniMoose · 10/09/2019 18:13

I agree with the others - this is rape.

One thing though, and I am genuinely curious - how does one sleep through sex. Surely you wake up the moment someone penetrates you? How is it possible to not realise?

FairyDust92 · 10/09/2019 18:17

Oh no Sad
This is rape OP. Just because he isn't hurting you doesn't mean it isn't rape he doesn't have your consent. The thing is he is happy to have sex with your lifeless body... this is not normal and very very disturbing. You need to take your children and leave.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 10/09/2019 18:21

Have you watched this video op- the cup of tea consent

m.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ

Unconscious people don’t want or need sex- they just don’t! He has no excuse for how he has behaved- he KNOWS that he is rapping you and he is choosing to do so! P

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 10/09/2019 18:22

Excuse the typo- it should say raping

PicsInRed · 10/09/2019 18:24

That's rape.

End of.

If you don't want to speak with the police, do please report to your doctor - you will very, very likely need this at some point for family court proceedings.

Flowers
BarbaraStrozzi · 10/09/2019 18:26

It is rape, OP.

Re not waking up. Maybe you sleep very deeply (some people do). Or it could be a trauma response - your mind can't handle the reality of what's being done to you so it just shuts down (a younger relative of mine has this as a result of childhood sexual abuse). On threads like this, sadly, you always get some twit saying "but surely you would have woken up" - nope, doesn't work like that.

Freezing, dissociation and even falling asleep are quite common responses to sexual abuse.

Flowers

Do start putting together an escape plan. He's not a good dad, he's a man who rapes his son's mum. That's not a good example to have in your son's life.

GreatBigNoise · 10/09/2019 18:27

What n awful situation. OP, you need to see this for what it is.

writersbeenblocked · 10/09/2019 18:27

Please leave him OP. Staying with him will have an even more detrimental effect on your DCs than leaving him, even if it doesn't seem that way now.

bombomboobah · 10/09/2019 18:46

he is stealing your bodily autonomy while you are asleep
I would write up an account of what happened, also any earlier incidents, other abusive behaviours, build up a picture of his modus operandi

Vanhi · 10/09/2019 18:54

There have been times I've woken in the morning to find I'm naked from the waist down and a used condom on the floor, [...] But it's always been a no go to have sex while I sleep.

OP can you see how those two statements contradict each other?

The thing is though, he's not hurting me, so I don't really see it as rape?

As PP have explained, rape isn't about overt physical violence. You haven't consented. In fact you've explicitly said no. He has sex anyway. That is sex without consent. Sorry OP but that is rape.

Michaelbaubles · 10/09/2019 19:02

You wake up to find used condoms on the floor? What about the times he didn’t use one? You wouldn’t even know. Was your pregnancy planned? I’d be living in utter fear of getting pregnant again without even knowing how it happened, at the very least.

seven201 · 10/09/2019 19:02

Thanks what an awful position you're in. Personally I think your options are leave him or go to relationship counselling together and for him to have additional therapy/support. He's raping you. That is not ok ever, just because you're married doesn't mean he can do what he wants to you while you sleep. It's vile and fucked up.