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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can anyone explain what I'm looking at?

341 replies

HeadLikeSpaghetti · 10/09/2019 11:56

Hi all. I'm new to mumsnet and was pointed here by a friend.
This could really be something or nothing and I'm so confused. I've been married for years. Really happily, I've never had one issue with him in all the time we've been together. But... on Sunday I was walking past the spare room where his laptop is when I saw him quickly click out of an email account that didn't look like his. When I asked he got all flustered and said of course it was but Ive got a terrible feeling about his reaction.
This morning I still hadn't shaken it so started digging. I put his phone no in various providers and it was linked to gmail. (His isn't gmail). Now this is where it could be nothing. I can also get into this gmail with his other (usual) email. It then gives the option to convert his usual account to gmail. So I'm guessing it may be innocent but could anyone explain the following please

  1. He has a few passwords he uses. The one to get into this gmail is different from his email one
  2. There is a username that is not mentioned anywhere on his usual account
  3. This username with gmail.com on the end is a recognised email address but the same password doesn't work with it
  4. There are options to look at internet history and location history (this one says paused) but I can't seem to look at anything.

I'm just so confused with what I'm looking at. I've always trusted him and feel bad for even writing this but then keep thinking what if?
I know not all perfect husbands are what they seem!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
HeadLikeSpaghetti · 16/09/2019 01:27

I’d love to get into that hotmail account.

OP posts:
HeadLikeSpaghetti · 16/09/2019 01:30

I’d better go to back to bed now. Don’t think I’ll
Sleep a wink. Thank you all for your support, and sorry for those who have been through this. I can’t believe this is happening to me

OP posts:
mawof3soontobe · 16/09/2019 01:34

Aw love I'm so sorry you're going through this! Flowers

managedmis · 16/09/2019 01:46

What a fucking piece of shit he is

Flowers headlikespaghetti

SleepWarrior · 16/09/2019 02:34

Oh no Sad I'm so sorry.

Google history (my own Google history in fact!) was also where I found the evidence that my ex thought he'd deleted along with the computer search history.

I'm so glad you got to the bottom of it though. This is the worst time - the constant swirl of stomach-churning adrenaline and non-stop thoughts. There's going to be a stretch of more awfulness after this initial jolt, but it WILL pass and you are going to be OK. You can walk away from this with your head held high, then work through it at all whatever pace is good for you.

Tell everyone that you need for support asap and start leaning on that support as much as you need.

cutebutscary · 16/09/2019 03:25

God how awful . If you are
Still awake and struggling now , I am awake too . It's like you have had the rug pulled from your life completely . I'm so sorry .

cutebutscary · 16/09/2019 03:26

I meant to say if you want to vent or anything . Wasn't just commiserating on being awake 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

HollyBollyBooBoo · 16/09/2019 04:09

God Op, you poor thing. That is a horrific breach of trust. No words.

Just one tiny bit of advice - make sure you take half of all joint accounts before you confront him. My ex took every penny out plus maxed out the overdrafts after I'd confronted him and I was left with nothing.

Take care of yourself x

Monty27 · 16/09/2019 04:27

I'm so sorry OP. What a shock.
Can you get away for a couple of days to process things. I hope you have real life support.
Wishing you strength Flowers

MittsMajuna · 16/09/2019 04:43

Your friend sounds like really good support OP.

Try as hard as you can to get through the next few days. Try to eat, don't feel you have to rush into your next move.

Today is the rest of your life, take care of yourself & you and your DC are going to get through this.

MittsMajuna · 16/09/2019 04:45

Also does he have a seperate bank account for all these transactions?

MsDogLady · 16/09/2019 05:18

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this massive betrayal. Try to stay hydrated. The support of your friends is a godsend.

When you confront him, do not allow him to manipulate and shift the blame to you in any way. He chose to cheat with prostitutes, abuse your trust, and risk your health. Any tears of his will be due to getting caught.

He feels entitled to objectify and pay for women, which is a despicable attitude for a father of daughters to have.

S021 · 16/09/2019 07:35

I hope you managed to get some sleep 💐
You will be running on adrenaline xx

2012 and much longer I suspect.

Miniloso · 16/09/2019 08:40

OP, so sorry... it doesn’t feel like it now, but you will survive this. Stay strong & take time to think about what to do next.

WizardOfAus · 16/09/2019 08:48

You’re doing great, OP. Take your time and keep gathering the evidence. Talk to your friend as much as possible. She will get you through the shock. X

swanfacade · 16/09/2019 11:26

Sorry OP you must be reeling... Thanks

What a lowlife piece of shit he is.

One thing; make sure you send all your screen-shotted evidence to your email address (and maybe send a few of the more incriminating pictures to your friend for safekeeping). Just in case he trashes your phone in a panic when he's confronted.

I think you can possibly use the screenshots (as well as the proof of location history) to divorce him for adultery but I'm not sure.

Spend today/tomorrow getting all your finances sorted and ducks in a row. Speak to a solicitor. I would change the locks and gave him petitioned for divorce at work this week if it's possible. Present it as a done deal and tell him he's not to come back unless he wants his kerb crawling made public knowledge.

What a cunt. He's not someone that should have any input into raising teenage girls really, the misogynist piece of shit. Sending you healing OP...x

HeadLikeSpaghetti · 16/09/2019 11:38

Hi, I didn’t get a wink last night. I was reading your messages on the internet rather than logging in as I had to lay right night to him. He slept soundly while my mind went over and over. I’ve jest managed a bit of sleep now.
He is working from home so I’m in the same house all week. I ve decided to follow the advice and keep quiet for the moment. He must have logged himself out of this google thing a fair while ago as it stopped. But I logged it back in. I just want to show him it’s all up to date, and see exactly what he’s still doing.
I will also get copies of documents when I get a chance. I’m glad you all made me realise I don’t have to act immediately and have time to get my ‘ducks in a row’ if I keep quiet.
It feels like I’m living with a stranger. It’s awful.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 16/09/2019 11:48

You need copies or photos of credit card statements, payslips, tax returns, bank statements, investments, pension docs, everything financial.
Someone who cheats and lies is likely to do the same over money.

Gemma1971 · 16/09/2019 11:55

Huge hugs OP.

My ex had no idea that when logged onto a Gmail account and using the Chrome browser, the default (automatic) setting is to save the (abbreviated) history in the Google Account. This is stored on a server somewhere in the world, probably the States. And it has to be manually deactivated in those settings. However, it does not show every single page visited. It shows kind of an abridged version. But that was enough for me.

Most people have no idea it even does that.

Your husband maybe just figured it out recently.

Better to know someone is rotten to the core than not. The lies, for me, the fakery of the relationship, the lies told to my face when I held evidence in my hand, shocked me more than what he was capable of doing.

His second ex wife had some odd public FB posts about narcissism and abuse, but I always believed his version of events. I even wanted to believe his storied about the Google history, I thought I loved him so much. It was all an illusion and THAT was the hardest part.

I think these men are mentally ill.

I hope you can get legal advice.. and yes, do a backup of all that stuff.. set up a separate email that HE has no idea about and stash it away there. When you eventually tell him that you know, he may freak out. It might be better to do it in a public place, just in case. You don't know him really..... I realised I never really knew my ex.

He didn't get violent, he just tried to twist it all and blame friends, technology accidents... a whole load of crap.

Drugs, prostitutes, cheating and stolen goods. He was not the person he presented to me. But THANK GOD I found out... took a long time to heal though.... I wish you strength.

bombomboobah · 16/09/2019 12:39

Spaghetti, I'm so sorry that this has happened in your life, I can't imagine the turmoil that you must be experiencing, please try to be strategic, think about your long-term best interests, do everything you can can to find the way through this situation which causes you the least damage.
Try and act normal if you can, don't tip him off because as soon as he knows you're on to him he will start constructing his alibis.

HeadLikeSpaghetti · 16/09/2019 13:19

Thank you all. I have now created my very own secret email account and sent all the screenshots there. This doesn’t seem real.
I can’t believe that google thing doesn’t show everything. There surely can’t be any more of it!!! I don’t think he knows he has it or what it does as he has his usual password on it. It stopped over a year ago and he hasn’t noticed it is still going.
Thanks for telling me it doesn’t save everything Gemma. I was wondering if he knew about it as it only saved 2 searched over the weekend, but I guess if he knew he would have cleared all that crap away.
I can’t actually picture myself having the conversation with him and telling him to go. I thought we were such a solid family, I don’t understand why he has done this. I really don’t. What a bloody waste of all the lovely plans we had for the future when the kids leave home. I almost feel like I’m not talking about me. I’m so sad

OP posts:
LRR28 · 16/09/2019 13:20

There is a way to see deleted history on iPhone as long as the history is from safari and not a downloaded separate internet app. I'm not crazy I work with phone technology

HeadLikeSpaghetti · 16/09/2019 13:21

I can’t even bring myself to think about telling my poor kids.

OP posts:
itwaseverthus · 16/09/2019 13:27

Is it likely he will deny ever booking the prostitutes op, and try to allege it was just some sort of curiosity? Can you find evidence of the money he spent, to be ready to counter this if it comes?

It must feel like you're living in a parallel universe right now. I am so, so sorry he did this to you, to you all!

DBML · 16/09/2019 13:36

I feel so very bad for you op. You must be absolutely devastated. How could he throw everything away for a cheap thrill. It’s unimaginable how disappointed and hurt you must be feeling.

Do you think he did go through with any actual bookings or do you have proof that was the case?

Hope you have a good support network to give you the strength to get through this!

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