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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can anyone explain what I'm looking at?

341 replies

HeadLikeSpaghetti · 10/09/2019 11:56

Hi all. I'm new to mumsnet and was pointed here by a friend.
This could really be something or nothing and I'm so confused. I've been married for years. Really happily, I've never had one issue with him in all the time we've been together. But... on Sunday I was walking past the spare room where his laptop is when I saw him quickly click out of an email account that didn't look like his. When I asked he got all flustered and said of course it was but Ive got a terrible feeling about his reaction.
This morning I still hadn't shaken it so started digging. I put his phone no in various providers and it was linked to gmail. (His isn't gmail). Now this is where it could be nothing. I can also get into this gmail with his other (usual) email. It then gives the option to convert his usual account to gmail. So I'm guessing it may be innocent but could anyone explain the following please

  1. He has a few passwords he uses. The one to get into this gmail is different from his email one
  2. There is a username that is not mentioned anywhere on his usual account
  3. This username with gmail.com on the end is a recognised email address but the same password doesn't work with it
  4. There are options to look at internet history and location history (this one says paused) but I can't seem to look at anything.

I'm just so confused with what I'm looking at. I've always trusted him and feel bad for even writing this but then keep thinking what if?
I know not all perfect husbands are what they seem!

OP posts:
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HeadLikeSpaghetti · 15/09/2019 21:59

Thank you for the replies. I wasn’t sure if this has dropped off the pages!! My friend knows ( whose husband called) she told me to act normal
For a day and try and plan my next move. I feel
Like I’m in a nightmare

OP posts:
Sadiesnakes · 15/09/2019 22:00

I'm sorry Op, I really feel for you.Thanks

Longlongsummer · 15/09/2019 22:00

Sounds good advice. You need to talk this through with a couple of people soon, tommorow?

Sadiesnakes · 15/09/2019 22:01

Make sure you screen shot everything, before you let him know. Any evidence will be deleted quick smart and all the denial, minimizing and gaslighting will begin.

Be prepared for it all.Thanks

HeadLikeSpaghetti · 15/09/2019 22:03

Thank you everyone. I doubt I’ll get any sleep tonight but I can’t bring myself to say anything.
Sadie - thank you again. I really did feel bad but I just knew something was wrong.i just knew.

OP posts:
TooSweetToBeSour · 15/09/2019 22:06

I’m so sorry OP. I agree with your friend to try to be normal tonight until you can talk it over tomorrow. Definitely do as PPs have said, if you haven’t already, and take screenshots, downloads etc. to keep evidence.
It’ll be a long night for you, but you’ve got plenty of people here to talk to if you need it,

LorelaiRoryEmily · 15/09/2019 22:07

Oh god OP this is awful. I'm so sorry for you.Thanks

FMFL · 15/09/2019 22:09

If you can’t screenshot for whatever reason, take pictures of the pages on your phone. I did this when I found my lovely partner had been having a four-year affair with a work colleague. Like you, I had no reason to suspect a thing until one night he got jumpy when I walked near his phone... my gut was screaming at me to start checking.

HeadLikeSpaghetti · 15/09/2019 22:10

Yes I’ve taken screenshots. I have t even been back to the beginning. I got back 4 years then accidentally quit out. Thanks for al the messages, I didn’t expect anyone to see it now. I will read them properly tomorrow as I’m just shaking so hard. It’s taking me ages to type. I haven’t even cried yet, I can just hear my blood pumping through my head and ears and hoping I don’t have a heart attack. I’m waffling sorry. Tha k you all

OP posts:
Gruzinkerbell1 · 15/09/2019 22:11

Agree with the others about screenshotting etc. He will deny it and make you think you’re losing your mind. And you’ll so badly want that to be true because the alternative is just so unbearable. I’m so sorry my love. He’s an absolute bastard.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 15/09/2019 22:12

Can you take yourself off to the spare room tonight and say you feel unwell/have a bad headache? Don’t put yourself through the torture of laying next to him all night if you can possibly escape it X

MotherofTerriers · 15/09/2019 22:12

Act normal. Pretend to have flu/sickness bug if necessary. Get evidence, screen shots etc to prove what you have found. Get any financial documents together. Store it all at a friends. Visit a solicitor, find out how you stand legally. Then tell him, and fight hard to get a good financial settlement for you and your children. He will be guilty and embarrassed and not want anyone to find out what he’s been up to. I’m so sorry, it’s horrible

S021 · 15/09/2019 22:18

I’m so sorry HeadLikeSpaghetti
What an awful shock 💐

I know just how you’re feeling. I felt like this when I discovered my DHs affair with a colleague. You’re in shock, you know life will never be the same but just need to get your head around it before you can do anything

S021 · 15/09/2019 22:19

Take all the time you need xx

WizardOfAus · 15/09/2019 22:21

Oh God, OP. I’m so sorry.
Listen to the good advice here.
Save the evidence, see a solicitor, confront him with it all and then LTB.

BumbleBeee69 · 15/09/2019 22:22

Jesus OP, I'm so so sorry for you and your girls.. please get your papers etc in order before reacting. Flowers

BeforeLight · 15/09/2019 22:23

So sorry, what a bastard. My exp did the same, I imagine you’re feeling numb and hurt right now. It will get better in time I promise.

Do take the advice from your friend and previous posters - if you can, hide the fact you even suspect anything from him.. collect all the evidence you need before he had the chance to try and deny deny deny...

Good luck and stay strong

Legoandloldolls · 15/09/2019 22:27

I'm so sorry OP. Your quite rightly in shock right now. Well done for trusting your instincts.

Theres lots to do now but you can not do it all at once. Pretend to be I'll, phone off work. Get to the gp and signed off.

Then get screen shots, evidence. The rest is for a later time. You would be wise to say nothing until you get the evidence. The rest is for later,

Your dh is a worthless arsehole. How dare he? You are so, so much better off with a future where he isn't around

Lipz · 15/09/2019 22:28

OMG you poor thing, your head must be in a complete haze, I am shocked at how long it was going on, you had a gut feeling all along and you were right to go with it and keep checking. I do hope you get some sleep tonight, your friend and her husband sound like good people, keep talking to them and on here, lots of people here will be able to advise you on what to do next. X

Blamangeme · 15/09/2019 22:31

You're probably having a panic attack OP. So sorry that he's done this. At least you have the evidence and knowledge and have the upper hand to plan(knowledge is power). What a shit he is. You will be ok. Stay strong. Glad you have support in rl. Flowers

Lozzerbmc · 15/09/2019 22:52

I’m so sorry OP how awful for you. What a terrible shock - please let your friends support you. Take your time to process it before you confront him.

Gemma1971 · 15/09/2019 23:38

Good grief OP! I've just got in the house and peeked on Mumsnet and saw an update. As a few days had passed by, I assumed all was well and you had found nothing untoward.

I am so sorry that this was not the case.... that it was something so horrendous... what a bloody shock.

I hope you can take some time off work and other everyday stuff to process this and to basically breathe! Go and see your GP... or at the very least, get an appointment with your local sexual health clinic.

This is so horrible, my heart really goes out to you. Like you, I only found out by checking the Google Activity which is permanently stored - and generally by default unless the user deactivates it. That is where I saw the dodgy dealings, the searches for sex clubs and the dating sites. So sad, but I would not have checked at all had I not also seen something that he had lied to me about, a fake FB, multiple fake gmail accounts for the fake FBs, of which in the end, there were several. Fake Instagram, Lord knows what for, but so many fake profiles and all denied, that I knew there had to be something else going on.

It is good that you know, better not to keep living a lie. You will feel as if the rug has quite literally been pulled out from beneath you... I know I did... but you WILL be ok eventually... I think the initial shock is horrendous... what came after it for me was the anger at my wasted time and energy.... but that anger is incredibly motivating.

I am sure you will continue to get support here and I am glad that you have good friends in real life.

Sleep well if you can OP.

itwaseverthus · 15/09/2019 23:54

Ah feck, that's awful op. I'm so sorry your h has done this to you and your marriage. Why do these men think it's acceptable to treat people this way? Of course, they know deep down it's not acceptable hence hiding it but they do it anyway. So fucking selfish!

notapizzaeater · 16/09/2019 00:17

What an idiot - hope you get some sleep x

HeadLikeSpaghetti · 16/09/2019 01:25

I’m really in shock. It hasn’t even stored most of the last 2 years but I’ve gone back to 2012 and there are hundreds of searches for escort and hook up sites. My kids were still in primary school then. I’m the middle of the searches is one for the eternity ring he bought me!!!! I feel like ripping the fucking thing off my finger and throwing at his peacefully sleeping face. I’ve screenshoot everything. Surprised I haven’t run out of storage. I can’t believe what I’m looking at.

OP posts:
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