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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can anyone explain what I'm looking at?

341 replies

HeadLikeSpaghetti · 10/09/2019 11:56

Hi all. I'm new to mumsnet and was pointed here by a friend.
This could really be something or nothing and I'm so confused. I've been married for years. Really happily, I've never had one issue with him in all the time we've been together. But... on Sunday I was walking past the spare room where his laptop is when I saw him quickly click out of an email account that didn't look like his. When I asked he got all flustered and said of course it was but Ive got a terrible feeling about his reaction.
This morning I still hadn't shaken it so started digging. I put his phone no in various providers and it was linked to gmail. (His isn't gmail). Now this is where it could be nothing. I can also get into this gmail with his other (usual) email. It then gives the option to convert his usual account to gmail. So I'm guessing it may be innocent but could anyone explain the following please

  1. He has a few passwords he uses. The one to get into this gmail is different from his email one
  2. There is a username that is not mentioned anywhere on his usual account
  3. This username with gmail.com on the end is a recognised email address but the same password doesn't work with it
  4. There are options to look at internet history and location history (this one says paused) but I can't seem to look at anything.

I'm just so confused with what I'm looking at. I've always trusted him and feel bad for even writing this but then keep thinking what if?
I know not all perfect husbands are what they seem!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Gemma1971 · 11/09/2019 09:43

Is this the page you mean?

Can anyone explain what I'm looking at?
Mrsmummy90 · 11/09/2019 09:50

From his reaction alone, I'd worry that he's hiding something. I hope I'm wrong.

HeadLikeSpaghetti · 11/09/2019 09:56

Yeah I think it’s that page. But when I signed in it didn’t take me to an email account. It offered me the chance make the yahoo into gmail so I guess he doesn’t have an email account. Then I had options of looking at location (which was paused) and history. Although I couldn’t see how to do it.
Everyone having a go at me is right and I hate feeling like this but I can’t explain it.
If he needs to be signed into his google account for it to save searches then I don’t think he has been signed in. I wonder if I sign in on his phone then swipe it away without signing him out if that will work from now on.
I feel like telling him what I’ve done and asking if there’s anything going on. But he will say no whether he’s telling the truth or not!

OP posts:
HeadLikeSpaghetti · 11/09/2019 09:57

Mrs mummy - I think that’s the most alarming thing. He was so flustered.

OP posts:
Sadiesnakes · 11/09/2019 10:07

Go into settings, scroll to safari, scroll down to advanced, there will be a list of websites he's used there, even if he's deleted history.
Anything he's viewed in private won't be there though.

Mostlyhappy4 · 11/09/2019 10:08

So apart from this particular incident, has he been acting normally? Has he been irritable or bad tempered? Is everything else ok?

Gemma1971 · 11/09/2019 10:13

As the previous poster said, you can view his activity if he has been browsing Chrome while logged in from another device. However, you yourself would also need to be logged in to his Google account or Gmail to do so, and he may or may not get a notification that you are logged in.

You seem convinced that something bad is going on, and I know that feeling all too well... otherwise I would not have suggested a keylogger.

Are there other signs that he could be up to no good?

My ex had many Gmail and a hidden Yahoo. He used these to set up secret FB. Most of the hidden FB accounts I found seemed really odd, no friend or random "friends" from all over the place... he was using them to "keep an eye on me" (his words), but a couple of them were linked to dating sites. I knew it was impossible to have so many FB accounts (I found at least 7 fake ones) without him having either multiple phone numbers or multiple emails.

I managed to get a look at his phone. The only way I actually found evidence of his many Gmail accounts (used for Zoosk, Badoo etc. etc.), was because he had 10 or so text messages giving him a code for setting up the new account on his phone or for when he had forgotten his password for a few of the accounts (Gmail does this for security, you get a 5 or 6 digit code sent to your mobile which you then enter in Gmail to confirm it is in fact you in the account).

So I hear you on this. In my case though, there were small to medium sized red flags... But I did see a glimpse of something odd.... and he even gave me his phone to help him get rid of a virus, although he had cleaned off the dating apps but had left a fake FB page open, one which was linked to Zoosk and which he would use whenever we had an argument. He was trawling for women when we had a disagreement. But that is not the worst of it. He was abusive - and all the hidden online stuff was only one of the factors that led me to leave him.

It would have been illegal to put spyware on his phone. But it is not illegal to install it on your laptop etc., even if he is using it. If you really think something odd is going on and have other reasons to believe this, then that would a way of getting confirmation. Asking him, if he IS lying and hiding something, will only alert him to the fact that you are onto him, if he IS hiding something.

My ex denied, lied, made up stories about someone else using his phone, all sorts of stuff. He had no idea that I could view his Google activity. In the end, he WAS cheating and looking for sex clubs, all the while denying the existence of any other emails apart from the two he had and denying all the hidden FB. But my case is kind of extreme, although sadly does not seem to be all that uncommon since I joined here.

Leaving his phone unlocked shows in some way he has nothing to hide. However, my ex did the same... and had plenty to hide... just he had already deleted most of it and had no idea I would ever find it. But I didn't live with him so it was easier for him to deceive me. Clearing his history is odd. My ex cleared only the dodgy bits, but had no idea that they were all logged on Google Activity. So it "looked" innocent. But one of the things that alerted me was that he deleted kind of blocks of time when I KNEW we had been chatting on the Gmail messenger app, and that would be cleared too. When I looked in the Activity log, he had been searching for stuff he did not want me to find. And not nice surprises....

But proceed softly. I would say my gut instinct was spot on, all the time, and has never been wrong. I tried to ignore it but it kept nagging at me. But gently gently..... guns blazing and accusations is no way to do it.

rritchie44 · 11/09/2019 10:17

If this is the only red flag you have had in all of the years you have been married then I would let him have his secret. He clearly doesn't want you to know what he was looking at. It doesn't mean he is being unfaithful though. Unless there have been other red flags, it doesn't sound like he is doing anything wrong.

Juells · 11/09/2019 10:22

I would let him have his secret.

😂 yeah, that really works in a marriage.

Gemma1971 · 11/09/2019 10:23

If there IS something going on and you tell him, he will just get better at hiding it.

That photo I posted is where I log into my Gmail email account every day - although I usually keep myself signed in for efficiency. I have a few emails - work, work backup and private. When I go to type my name in there, it usually comes up with the one I use the most, my work email. So I start typing Gemm... and before I get any further, it automatically suggests the rest of my email address. When my ex used my laptop, his email address was also suggested. However, you can delete these automatic suggestions. I thought this might be a useful way to see what comes up in that bar. Usually when I click my mouse into the bar, it comes up with my main email without doing anything else.

Did you type out his YAHOO address in that box. If you wrote the @yahoo... whatever it is... then Gmail should tell you address not found. I just tried that with my Yahoo account and that is what happened.

Does any of that help?

Sadiesnakes · 11/09/2019 10:23

If you're generally not a paranoid person and have always trusted him then I'd trust your gut with this op.

If no one checked their dp's phone when they felt suspicious of something or other most people would never find out they were being cheated on, you only have to be on mn for one day to see that the main way people are caught these days are by emails, texts, pictures, dating sites, etc.

Hypothetically op's dh is on dating sites. He's enjoying himself immensely and has no intention of telling op his little secret. So he's in breach of the boundaries of the relationship right there,

Op suspects something isn't right, he's acting suspicious, but according to some people here she's the one in the wrong to check up on him, so she needs to just put up with it or ask him outright. He says no of course not, and then tightens up any possible evidence, deleting, hides more.
Op needs to put up with this and not check for herself because "it's wrong"... She needs to live uncertainly, indefinitely, until her dp confesses which is highly unlikely.

No, people saying it's wrong to check when you have a reason to check are wrong.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 11/09/2019 10:24

On his phone. You said you clicked the Internet icon, then History, and saw his browsing history list. But you would, because you’d clicked on History. Why would you expect to see the normal search bar there, when you’d clicked history?

I understand why you’re suspicious, because he was so flustered and weird. But I think you should stop investigating until you’re a bit more savvy about this stuff, otherwise you’ll get worked up about innocent things.

On the laptop. It sounds like he’s selected the option to “delete history automatically on quitting Chrome” or something. You could change that. Then the history wouldn’t automatically be deleted every time.

Sadiesnakes · 11/09/2019 10:26

then I would let him have his secret.

Course you would @rritchie44🙄

Not a bloke by any chance?

Gemma1971 · 11/09/2019 10:30

Agree with SadieSnakes. I was fed a pack of lies. REALLY bad lies too, that I can laugh about now, but what a waste of my time.

HeadLikeSpaghetti · 11/09/2019 10:33

I don’t think he’s given any other red flags, but to be honest it has never crossed my mind that he is anything but trustworthy. I’ve never looked at his devices, I do what I want to do on them and give them back. He keeps asking if I’m ok Sunday, and is a bit quiet and stares into space a lot. But that’s all.
Gemma I’m sorry you went through that. It surprises me the lengths they will go to for their ‘hobbies’. Why bother being in a relationship if they want to do that.
I will look at the safari thing thanks.
I just need to satisfy myself that I’ve explored every avenue as I’m feeling really odd about this. Thanks for all the help

OP posts:
vraimentnul · 11/09/2019 10:45

Go on iPhone accounts and passwords click top option put in password and it'll come up with every account that uses a password without the actual password

Gemma1971 · 11/09/2019 10:49

So this is my personal Gmail after logging in - see the big G at the top right? You click on that G.....

Can anyone explain what I'm looking at?
Gemma1971 · 11/09/2019 10:51

... and when you click on it (G for Gemma by the way, it will be different for everyone obviously), it will show the email address and a blue button with "Google Account" on it. Click on that and it takes you to this page...

Can anyone explain what I'm looking at?
rritchie44 · 11/09/2019 10:53

Jesus, I'm not suggesting you should assume he is cheating and condone it. The only red flag was he got flustered and didn't seem to want her to see what he was viewing online. It's probably just porn. Yes there are secrets and lies in all marriages. But they are generally tiny. Such as going to the loo not to take a pee but to get a break from the kids, or being late for your train because you were having a laugh with a college about something but saying work held you up. No I'm not a man. I think some of your reactions to this is seriously over the top. It sounds a s though these guys have been happily married for years and nothing else has caused her concern.

Gemma1971 · 11/09/2019 10:53

On the left side of this page, go down to Data & Personalisation, now click on that....

Can anyone explain what I'm looking at?
Gemma1971 · 11/09/2019 10:57

This page shows you where to turn on the Web and App Activity... if it is off, turn it back on.

Of course he has to have an account in the first place.... hoooooooooowever, if you create a Gmail account for yourself, activate the Activity logger and stay logged in while he uses the laptop, then you will be able to see what he is doing.

Can anyone explain what I'm looking at?
Can anyone explain what I'm looking at?
Gemma1971 · 11/09/2019 11:00

Hopefully it is only porn... or some famous person's boobies or something harmless... but getting flustered about shutting down what looked like a page for email does seem odd. I would not be flustered about a partner seeing any of my email accounts... and my ex knew I had several and saw them all. Even the old Yahoo from when I was on dating sites before meeting him.

Hiding big stuff in a marriage is inherently wrong. A bit of porn I think is harmless, provided that it isn't replacing your sex life of course!

It's the potential other stuff that worries most people. Secret email accounts are not usually for porn.

HeadLikeSpaghetti · 11/09/2019 11:03

Thanks for all of the replies. Gemma thank you for all of the info, I’m going to have a good look into it all before I log back in. Hopefully you will have given me an idea what to look for. Sadie, thanks for the support, it means a lot to know someone knows what is going on with my head.
Yes I think I got confused with the history thing. It just looked different. I’ve just looked at mine and it goes into bookmarks but his was in the history list (the little clock)That’s probably nothing.
I think I’ve got myself too worked up to think straight. I need to try and take a step back and think rationally.
It probably doesn’t help that my best friends husband had an affair for a year and none of us had a clue until he upped and left. If he could do it then anyone could.
I need to take a few deep breaths!! Thanks for the advice. I have more idea of what to do if I go searching than I did when I posted this

OP posts:
HeadLikeSpaghetti · 11/09/2019 11:06

Just saw your last posts Gemma. Thank you, it will be like having my own manual!

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 11/09/2019 11:07

I am pretty IT savvy because of my job, so feel free to ask me anything. If I could, I would just pop by and help you lol. Phones, however, are not my forte. Web browsers and applications, software for laptops etc. etc. I can help you with. I am sure there are many other people who know more than me though.

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