Hi
Opinions please...
I understand this is a hard one
I have been with my partner about 12 months. I've known him a couple of years. We were friends. Spoke on the phone regularly - therefore I knew his dating history and he knew mine. We got together after I had my baby to my ex who is no longer on the scene. We slept together after about 3 months of me giving birth. We both had a full screen sti test before sex. Little did I know that herpes and genital warts are not included on a test. Therefore we both had a clear test. We had unprotected sex for a couple of weeks and one day my partner came in to the bedroom with some sore skin on his penis and said 'you've given me thrush'. I said to him that's not thrush and thrush can't be passed on through sex can it? He responded it can. It crossed my mind 'isn't herpes a genital skin condition' then I brushed it off thinking well we've both had a test, so I apologised and said that I'd go to the doctors and get some canestan. We had sex that night. Anyway after the weekend had been and gone, about six days later I started with severe burning when weeding, I couldn't walk, I felt like I had a 'cut' down there. I didn't link the two together. I brought my doctors appointment for thrush forward as an emergency. The doctor swabbed my genitals and did a blood test. The doctor said they didn't think it was thrush but more genital herpes. I was very calm and said 'it can't be I've been tested' the doctor confirmed that a herpes screening is not an nhs standard test as false negatives occur frequently. They explained that if a sore is not swabbed at the right time it can come back negative and a blood test will only show a positive result after herpes has been in your system and antibodies have developed. Anyway the results came back. POSITIVE FOR HERPES on the swab. Negative on the bloods. I had no antibodies. Which meant this was a confirmed FIRST OUTBREAK. I had all the flu like symptoms too which also means it was a first ever outbreak. Herpes can lay dormant in your system but the doctor confirmed it usually is always your most recent partner and symptoms appear after 2-20 days from exposure. This made sense. My partner had dry skin down there, 6 days later I'm at the doctors sore on my genitals. ANYWAY it crossed my mind WHY would he come in to the bedroom and say 'you have given me thrush' ??? Instantly blaming me. It made me think, did he know? Why would he be so ignorant. It's like he knew what it was, was playing it down to thrush and making sure it was my fault.
I told my partner. He didn't ask questions. Didn't look shocked. Nothing. Just said 'we'll, im spending my life with you so it's not an issue'. I said 'don't you want to get checked out in case you don't have it so we can make sure we practice safe sex' 'don't you want to know if you have it just to know' 'don't you want to go get medication yourself' 'aren't you bothered how this will affect our sex life' etc etc. He never did or doesn't have any intention to visit a doctor. He said he is embarrassed. I said how can you be embarrassed when you're in front of me telling me it's not an issue and to forget about it? I couldn't understand how calm he was.
Anyway he keeps telling me he has never had any symptoms before. BUT when he said he felt he had 'thrush' in the bedroom he also mentioned that he's had thrush before so knew it was that...
since I was diagnosed he said he's had tingles down there now but has never experienced it before until he was with me and says I GAVE HIM IT? but I was confirmed as a first outbreak for me and to my knowledge, he hasn't been tested. He NEVER went to see a doctor to find out if he had it and whether he had antibodies. It's constantly playing on my mind. I feel he is ignoring the doctor for the reason. Either:
- he knows and doesn't want the diagnosis confirmed because he knows he has passed it on before and doesn't want it on paper so he can't be blamed for knowingly passing it on
- he doesn't want to go to the doctor because it is confirmed and he doesn't want me to find out that he knew
My mind is going crazy. We went over previous partners and he said I was more promiscuous than him... but it's not down to promiscuity. And for the record, I wasn't. He is just horrible to me. Calls me a slag. Makes people up that I've slept with. Calls me a beg. Etc. I have been careful to use protection with previous partners or have STI tests prior to intercourse. Obviously I've learnt now that doesn't make a difference anyway.
He said my most recent partner would be most likely to have herpes. He said his most recent partner was 'up on her sti testing'. I was absolutely fuming and responded I WAS UP ON MY STI TESTING. It makes no odds. Anyway he strangely said that he felt if it wa going to be anyone it would be a previous partner from 18 months ago... I found this odd.. I said how can you make that assumption unless you knew it was her? WHY HER?
Anyway he's made it very clear that he's never had symptoms until the day he thought he had 'thrush' he's too embarrassed to go to a doctor, I was more promiscuous and it must have been dormant in my system. Etc etc.
It's a very bad relationship for a lot of reasons and he tells me he wishes he'd never met me a lot of the time and lists off reasons, but NEVER says 'I wish I didn't meet you because gave me herpes' which makes me feel he knew. Because if you asked me why I wish I'd never met him that would be the FIRST reason I would say. It's like he subconsciously forgets to try and hide the fact he knew or at least had suspicions.
I said to him aren't you bothered you will have to mention this to another partner if we break up and he seemed very calm. It almost seemed as if he hadn't thought about it because he wouldn't mention it.
I'll add he has 2 kids to 2 women, is a very woe is me man (it's not his fault he has 2 kids to 2 women), feels he has nothing going for him, is desperate for a family (not in a good way), works nights and wollows in self pity. (These are all things he says too). When I look at it from his perspective I think he possibly knew... but obviously wouldn't want to advertise, hey, I have 2 kids to 2 women, work nights, have herpes, I'm a nasty piece of work, potentially living with ADHD and autism. He knows his baggage is a lot. Now I'm the kind of person that would have accepted him through and through. With the truth.
My gut just tells me he didn't have a natural reaction for someone who was told they likely have an incurable STI such as herpes. He is also always pushy to have sex when I have an outbreak or will try to perform oral on me and I'm more like turned off, getting used to the fact I'm living like this and ALSO for someone who apparently didn't know he had herpes wouldn't he want to do research on the possibility of annoculation etc like I did? I wouldn't want to go down on him if he was flaring up? It literally makes no sense.
So my question is what do you think? I know I'll never find out but I just need to know I am not crazy..