Did he know he had genital herpes

[Pinkgirl1986]

Hi
Opinions please...
I understand this is a hard one

I have been with my partner about 12 months. I've known him a couple of years. We were friends. Spoke on the phone regularly - therefore I knew his dating history and he knew mine. We got together after I had my baby to my ex who is no longer on the scene. We slept together after about 3 months of me giving birth. We both had a full screen sti test before sex. Little did I know that herpes and genital warts are not included on a test. Therefore we both had a clear test. We had unprotected sex for a couple of weeks and one day my partner came in to the bedroom with some sore skin on his penis and said 'you've given me thrush'. I said to him that's not thrush and thrush can't be passed on through sex can it? He responded it can. It crossed my mind 'isn't herpes a genital skin condition' then I brushed it off thinking well we've both had a test, so I apologised and said that I'd go to the doctors and get some canestan. We had sex that night. Anyway after the weekend had been and gone, about six days later I started with severe burning when weeding, I couldn't walk, I felt like I had a 'cut' down there. I didn't link the two together. I brought my doctors appointment for thrush forward as an emergency. The doctor swabbed my genitals and did a blood test. The doctor said they didn't think it was thrush but more genital herpes. I was very calm and said 'it can't be I've been tested' the doctor confirmed that a herpes screening is not an nhs standard test as false negatives occur frequently. They explained that if a sore is not swabbed at the right time it can come back negative and a blood test will only show a positive result after herpes has been in your system and antibodies have developed. Anyway the results came back. POSITIVE FOR HERPES on the swab. Negative on the bloods. I had no antibodies. Which meant this was a confirmed FIRST OUTBREAK. I had all the flu like symptoms too which also means it was a first ever outbreak. Herpes can lay dormant in your system but the doctor confirmed it usually is always your most recent partner and symptoms appear after 2-20 days from exposure. This made sense. My partner had dry skin down there, 6 days later I'm at the doctors sore on my genitals. ANYWAY it crossed my mind WHY would he come in to the bedroom and say 'you have given me thrush' ??? Instantly blaming me. It made me think, did he know? Why would he be so ignorant. It's like he knew what it was, was playing it down to thrush and making sure it was my fault.

I told my partner. He didn't ask questions. Didn't look shocked. Nothing. Just said 'we'll, im spending my life with you so it's not an issue'. I said 'don't you want to get checked out in case you don't have it so we can make sure we practice safe sex' 'don't you want to know if you have it just to know' 'don't you want to go get medication yourself' 'aren't you bothered how this will affect our sex life' etc etc. He never did or doesn't have any intention to visit a doctor. He said he is embarrassed. I said how can you be embarrassed when you're in front of me telling me it's not an issue and to forget about it? I couldn't understand how calm he was.

Anyway he keeps telling me he has never had any symptoms before. BUT when he said he felt he had 'thrush' in the bedroom he also mentioned that he's had thrush before so knew it was that...
since I was diagnosed he said he's had tingles down there now but has never experienced it before until he was with me and says I GAVE HIM IT? but I was confirmed as a first outbreak for me and to my knowledge, he hasn't been tested. He NEVER went to see a doctor to find out if he had it and whether he had antibodies. It's constantly playing on my mind. I feel he is ignoring the doctor for the reason. Either:

• he knows and doesn't want the diagnosis confirmed because he knows he has passed it on before and doesn't want it on paper so he can't be blamed for knowingly passing it on
• he doesn't want to go to the doctor because it is confirmed and he doesn't want me to find out that he knew

My mind is going crazy. We went over previous partners and he said I was more promiscuous than him... but it's not down to promiscuity. And for the record, I wasn't. He is just horrible to me. Calls me a slag. Makes people up that I've slept with. Calls me a beg. Etc. I have been careful to use protection with previous partners or have STI tests prior to intercourse. Obviously I've learnt now that doesn't make a difference anyway.
He said my most recent partner would be most likely to have herpes. He said his most recent partner was 'up on her sti testing'. I was absolutely fuming and responded I WAS UP ON MY STI TESTING. It makes no odds. Anyway he strangely said that he felt if it wa going to be anyone it would be a previous partner from 18 months ago... I found this odd.. I said how can you make that assumption unless you knew it was her? WHY HER?

Anyway he's made it very clear that he's never had symptoms until the day he thought he had 'thrush' he's too embarrassed to go to a doctor, I was more promiscuous and it must have been dormant in my system. Etc etc.

It's a very bad relationship for a lot of reasons and he tells me he wishes he'd never met me a lot of the time and lists off reasons, but NEVER says 'I wish I didn't meet you because gave me herpes' which makes me feel he knew. Because if you asked me why I wish I'd never met him that would be the FIRST reason I would say. It's like he subconsciously forgets to try and hide the fact he knew or at least had suspicions.

I said to him aren't you bothered you will have to mention this to another partner if we break up and he seemed very calm. It almost seemed as if he hadn't thought about it because he wouldn't mention it.

I'll add he has 2 kids to 2 women, is a very woe is me man (it's not his fault he has 2 kids to 2 women), feels he has nothing going for him, is desperate for a family (not in a good way), works nights and wollows in self pity. (These are all things he says too). When I look at it from his perspective I think he possibly knew... but obviously wouldn't want to advertise, hey, I have 2 kids to 2 women, work nights, have herpes, I'm a nasty piece of work, potentially living with ADHD and autism. He knows his baggage is a lot. Now I'm the kind of person that would have accepted him through and through. With the truth.

My gut just tells me he didn't have a natural reaction for someone who was told they likely have an incurable STI such as herpes. He is also always pushy to have sex when I have an outbreak or will try to perform oral on me and I'm more like turned off, getting used to the fact I'm living like this and ALSO for someone who apparently didn't know he had herpes wouldn't he want to do research on the possibility of annoculation etc like I did? I wouldn't want to go down on him if he was flaring up? It literally makes no sense.

So my question is what do you think? I know I'll never find out but I just need to know I am not crazy..

@CourtneyB123 ❤️

Well you need to try it again. Tell him not to call, not to drive by your house and report him to the police if need be.

As PP have said - he knew and probably deliberately infected you so you'd stay with him (fearing other partners would reject you as a result of your diagnosis) and you'd be trapped into being the family he's 'desperate' for.
The fact you're doubting him indicates you don't trust him and subconsciously know what he's done.
I'm so sorry OP.

This -- totally this

Sounds to me like he deliberately gave you genital herpes so that you would think that you have to stay with him permanently. Please don't.
Please run as far away as possible.
What a nasty piece of work he is.

Yes as a pp said, you can live with herpes, you cannot live with that toxic excuse forva :man".

My x used to call me a hairy midget too fucking stupid to cook a ready meal. He was a vacuum. He hated himself. I do not miss those days I tell you. Better times ahead for you.

I also think he deliberately infected you. He needs to go, and you need to work on your boundaries so these horrible men can't worm their way into your life again. So sorry OP

Whether he did or didn't infect you (seems more like did) ... Everything else means he's not relationship material.

You're really lucky you're not one of the herd of women he's impregnating like cows on a fkg farm ...

Get away from him. If he harasses you, get the cops and women's aid involved.

He's a scum bag.

You can take antivirals/suppressants and you can have an honest conversation with a new partner when you know them well and are going to be one sexually active with them.

But just get away from him, sack him off please.

Sorry I've just realised he did impregnate you - and then gave you no support during an abortion.

I'm usually kind of uncomfortable about abortion (though id never tell anyone not to have one) but in this case - seriously, it's a good thing you don't have a child by him and ties to him. A really good thing.

but he makes me believe it's my fault he's saying them things and I find myself believing him
He's a nasty cunt and an abuser.
Please keep away from him
Contact Womens Aid and ensure you sign up to do their Freedom Programme.
Lots of red flags here that you ignored for far too long.
This course will help you with all of that, including your boundaries, self-esteem, assertiveness and getting rid of fuckwits quick sharp.
Stop listening to him.
None of what he says is true.
Keep him out of your life.
Your DC do not need this 'role model' in their lives.

“said 'don't you want to get checked out in case you don't have it so we can make sure we practice safe sex' 'don't you want to know if you have it just to know'”

Why on earth did you say this knowing full well that you have a recently acquired attack as you have no anti bodies??

You obviously got it from him.

He may or may not have known, men who don’t go to the doctor about stuff can be very ignorant, or maybe the person he got it from told him it was thrush.

But this is all irrelevant.

He calls you a slut and promiscuous and all kinds of insults.

That is not a healthy relationship with or without herpes.

Bin him without further ado or discussion.

Big hug to you. Finding out he'd given you herpes must have been a really awful shock.

This man is a nightmare. Please leave him and then get yourself some counselling.

I am so sorry you are going through this. He is a vile excuse of a man, he has shown you who he is and now you need to get rid of him.

Know your worth, you and your child deserve better than this.

People like him will never change. He will always show his true colours. He’s a total B.

You push him away. He knows he needs to be nice to you again to win you back (it’s not rocket science and it’s worked with others in the past) so he makes some kind of gesture along the “I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again” type of lines, and if that fails he can barrage you with phone calls and drive bys until you surrender. Some part of you will be relieved then you’re not alone and that he seems to care, but it’s all superficial. He only cares about himself.

You deserve so much better.
There are plenty of men who, like you, are good people and now have an std through lies deceit or bad luck that they are frightened to date anyone again because of. Plenty.

There is no doubt in my head that you will leave this man. The only choice is when. Do it when you are strong. And stick to your guns. Involve the police if his behaviour once you split makes you uncomfortable. Perhaps that would scare him off permanently.
Once you are shot of him you will feel much better. Do you have a good circle of friends or family that can help you stay strong? Perhaps when you do leave him you could stay with them? Or have one stay with you? You have to do what’s best for yourself and your family. He is nothing.

Herpes is often mistaken for thrush and the symptoms in males can mimic thrush (dry skin and a discharge rather than actual genital sores). I can believe he naively thought it to be thrush, I think many people make this mistake.

I have HSV1 which usually is oral herpes but I have it genitally so basically someone with a cold sore has given me oral at some point. I had my first outbreak around ten months into my relationship with DH so it had most likely laid dormant in my system for years (I know DH didn’t cheat!). Herpes is fucking horrible but it’s true that the majority of the world has it in some form, it does not make you a ‘scruffy bastard’ .

I wouldn’t leave him for having herpes, I would leave him for calling you a slag though.

@whattodowith I wouldn't leave him for having herpes. I have it now too though don't I? It's just his reaction upon my diagnosis did not seem normal? It seemed like he knew... I understand your point of it laying dormant and being mistaken for thrush and if he knew beforehand and told me he had it, I would have stuck by him (when he was nice) but my real question is did he know based upon his reaction? And how can he say if it is him he knows who it will be? But also saying it's thrush and blaming me... I just don't find any of his ways normal. Why wouldn't he go to the doctor for meds and an official diagnosis when I told him I'd been confirmed to have my first OB. If he didn't know he had it wouldn't he want to find out so 1. He wouldn't catch it from me if he didn't and 2. If he did he could get meds Nothing rings true. Especially the fact that he is so keen to have sex or perform oral even when I OB. X

@whattodowith when he said you have given me thrush. I know it's that. I've had it before...
which then turned out 6 days later I had GH. I said well if you've had 'thrush' before that must be GH you e had before? His response NO THAT WAS DEFINATELY THRUSH and it's you whose given me genital herpes. But like I say he's never been to a doctor. He's accepting no potential responsibility. Which leads me with a big question mark x

Didn't even need to read past the herpes stuff to know you were dating a... horrible man (cough* narcissist).

Yes he knew, yes he knew he was giving it to you, yes he'll continue to use this to make you feel like you gave it to him.

Get shot of him, he's a vile human being - and he hates you.

He’s a total bastard and yes he knew. I hope you’re able to get him out of your life. If he starts driving past your house all the time when you do, report him to the police.

That's a very long op. However there is only one part that matters.

but it's not down to promiscuity. And for the record, I wasn't. He is just horrible to me. Calls me a slag. Makes people up that I've slept with. Calls me a beg. Etc.

Get out. Get out now. Once you are away do some work on raising the level of what you will accept in a relationship. This "man" is disgusting.

He knew he had it. You asked him about the rash on his willy and he tried to say it was thrush that you gave him. He's a vile lying pos.

Did he even really go for sti tests before you had sex the first time or was that a lie?

I looked it up and yes, it is a crime in the UK to knowingly give someone herpes and he did.

Please call the agencies the others suggested.
It truly is NOT YOU!

Please pack his stuff in a bin bag and leave it for him outside. Change the locks and text him one time that it's over and if he ever tries to contact you again, you'll contact the police. Then block him everywhere.

You and your DC deserve so much more than this abusive lying scumbag.

OP I can understand why you're doing it, but I think you need to try to move beyond focusing so much on whether he knew he was infected, why he acted the way he did, etc. You will never fully know all the details. Being obsessed with them is part of what's keeping you trapped in a toxic cycle with him.

What's important is that his behaviour in so many ways is vile and abusive and you will be better off when he is out of your life forever.

Call Women's Aid for support. Talk to them about details of how to leave.

Do you have any friends or family in real life who would support you if you told them how horrible he's been to you? You don't even have to talk about the herpes to them if you don't want to--he has been horrible in so many ways, you can keep that private if you want to (though herpes shouldn't be considered shameful).

Please work on your plan to get out. You can do it, we believe in you!

This is your primary infection so you are not to blame .The herpes is not the main thing here . He is not nice.

I echo other PP's that herpes is the least of your worries here (and agree with @Pinkbonbon that he sounds like a raging narcissist).

Please make no mistake, this man is highly abusive and you need to get away from him as soon as possible.

The fact that you didn't have antibodies when you first became symptomatic means that it certainly is your first infection (it takes around a month for antibodies to develop). Whether he knew he had it or not, his reaction to immediately blame you and call you a slag etc. shows you the type of man you are dealing with. He will always blame you for everything and the abuse will only get worse.

Men like this are often serial womanisers (shown already by his willingness to impregnate 2 previous partners and you, but take no responsibility for any of it). I wouldnt be surprised if he's sleeping with other women since he's been with you. Often when these men accuse you of sleeping around, its projection because it is actually them who are doing it. Check on local dating sites and you might very well find him.

Break up with him, block him on everything, enrol yourself on the freedom programme and stay away from relationships until you can recognise abusive relationships early and avoid them. Please believe me when I tell you he will destroy you if you stay. I've been where you are now and my only regret is not leaving sooner. The longer you stay and the more shit you take from him, the more he will destroy your self esteem, independence and ability to leave. You need to put yourself first, be your own protector, dig deep and do what you need to do to free yourself from this predator.

If he continues to harrass you after ending the relationship, get the police involved. He's a bully so you have to show him you mean business early on. Don't feel sorry for him (they thrive on this), don't explain (he can't hear you anyway), just run as fast as you can!!

So many of us on here have been through this, it takes strength but you can do it. Post here for support and try to find support IRL too. There is nothing harder than breaking up with these types but the alternative is far far worse.

The way he reacted is not normal that is why you are questioning it! In the grand scheme of things you have bigger things to focus on like putting a plan in place to leave this horrible man and focus on yourself and your child.