Did he know he had genital herpes

[Pinkgirl1986]

Hi
Opinions please...
I understand this is a hard one

I have been with my partner about 12 months. I've known him a couple of years. We were friends. Spoke on the phone regularly - therefore I knew his dating history and he knew mine. We got together after I had my baby to my ex who is no longer on the scene. We slept together after about 3 months of me giving birth. We both had a full screen sti test before sex. Little did I know that herpes and genital warts are not included on a test. Therefore we both had a clear test. We had unprotected sex for a couple of weeks and one day my partner came in to the bedroom with some sore skin on his penis and said 'you've given me thrush'. I said to him that's not thrush and thrush can't be passed on through sex can it? He responded it can. It crossed my mind 'isn't herpes a genital skin condition' then I brushed it off thinking well we've both had a test, so I apologised and said that I'd go to the doctors and get some canestan. We had sex that night. Anyway after the weekend had been and gone, about six days later I started with severe burning when weeding, I couldn't walk, I felt like I had a 'cut' down there. I didn't link the two together. I brought my doctors appointment for thrush forward as an emergency. The doctor swabbed my genitals and did a blood test. The doctor said they didn't think it was thrush but more genital herpes. I was very calm and said 'it can't be I've been tested' the doctor confirmed that a herpes screening is not an nhs standard test as false negatives occur frequently. They explained that if a sore is not swabbed at the right time it can come back negative and a blood test will only show a positive result after herpes has been in your system and antibodies have developed. Anyway the results came back. POSITIVE FOR HERPES on the swab. Negative on the bloods. I had no antibodies. Which meant this was a confirmed FIRST OUTBREAK. I had all the flu like symptoms too which also means it was a first ever outbreak. Herpes can lay dormant in your system but the doctor confirmed it usually is always your most recent partner and symptoms appear after 2-20 days from exposure. This made sense. My partner had dry skin down there, 6 days later I'm at the doctors sore on my genitals. ANYWAY it crossed my mind WHY would he come in to the bedroom and say 'you have given me thrush' ??? Instantly blaming me. It made me think, did he know? Why would he be so ignorant. It's like he knew what it was, was playing it down to thrush and making sure it was my fault.

I told my partner. He didn't ask questions. Didn't look shocked. Nothing. Just said 'we'll, im spending my life with you so it's not an issue'. I said 'don't you want to get checked out in case you don't have it so we can make sure we practice safe sex' 'don't you want to know if you have it just to know' 'don't you want to go get medication yourself' 'aren't you bothered how this will affect our sex life' etc etc. He never did or doesn't have any intention to visit a doctor. He said he is embarrassed. I said how can you be embarrassed when you're in front of me telling me it's not an issue and to forget about it? I couldn't understand how calm he was.

Anyway he keeps telling me he has never had any symptoms before. BUT when he said he felt he had 'thrush' in the bedroom he also mentioned that he's had thrush before so knew it was that...
since I was diagnosed he said he's had tingles down there now but has never experienced it before until he was with me and says I GAVE HIM IT? but I was confirmed as a first outbreak for me and to my knowledge, he hasn't been tested. He NEVER went to see a doctor to find out if he had it and whether he had antibodies. It's constantly playing on my mind. I feel he is ignoring the doctor for the reason. Either:

• he knows and doesn't want the diagnosis confirmed because he knows he has passed it on before and doesn't want it on paper so he can't be blamed for knowingly passing it on
• he doesn't want to go to the doctor because it is confirmed and he doesn't want me to find out that he knew

My mind is going crazy. We went over previous partners and he said I was more promiscuous than him... but it's not down to promiscuity. And for the record, I wasn't. He is just horrible to me. Calls me a slag. Makes people up that I've slept with. Calls me a beg. Etc. I have been careful to use protection with previous partners or have STI tests prior to intercourse. Obviously I've learnt now that doesn't make a difference anyway.
He said my most recent partner would be most likely to have herpes. He said his most recent partner was 'up on her sti testing'. I was absolutely fuming and responded I WAS UP ON MY STI TESTING. It makes no odds. Anyway he strangely said that he felt if it wa going to be anyone it would be a previous partner from 18 months ago... I found this odd.. I said how can you make that assumption unless you knew it was her? WHY HER?

Anyway he's made it very clear that he's never had symptoms until the day he thought he had 'thrush' he's too embarrassed to go to a doctor, I was more promiscuous and it must have been dormant in my system. Etc etc.

It's a very bad relationship for a lot of reasons and he tells me he wishes he'd never met me a lot of the time and lists off reasons, but NEVER says 'I wish I didn't meet you because gave me herpes' which makes me feel he knew. Because if you asked me why I wish I'd never met him that would be the FIRST reason I would say. It's like he subconsciously forgets to try and hide the fact he knew or at least had suspicions.

I said to him aren't you bothered you will have to mention this to another partner if we break up and he seemed very calm. It almost seemed as if he hadn't thought about it because he wouldn't mention it.

I'll add he has 2 kids to 2 women, is a very woe is me man (it's not his fault he has 2 kids to 2 women), feels he has nothing going for him, is desperate for a family (not in a good way), works nights and wollows in self pity. (These are all things he says too). When I look at it from his perspective I think he possibly knew... but obviously wouldn't want to advertise, hey, I have 2 kids to 2 women, work nights, have herpes, I'm a nasty piece of work, potentially living with ADHD and autism. He knows his baggage is a lot. Now I'm the kind of person that would have accepted him through and through. With the truth.

My gut just tells me he didn't have a natural reaction for someone who was told they likely have an incurable STI such as herpes. He is also always pushy to have sex when I have an outbreak or will try to perform oral on me and I'm more like turned off, getting used to the fact I'm living like this and ALSO for someone who apparently didn't know he had herpes wouldn't he want to do research on the possibility of annoculation etc like I did? I wouldn't want to go down on him if he was flaring up? It literally makes no sense.

So my question is what do you think? I know I'll never find out but I just need to know I am not crazy..

Jaffacakesaremyfave

Everything they said ^^

Please do the freedom programme

Oh OP

He is a #1 scumbag

Please see up your bits.

Off to bleach my eyeballs

Sew...unless you are of course a giraffe

@Jaffacakesaremyfave I do end up feeling sorry for him. I always feel I am to blame. He reminds me of all the things he used to do in the beginning and that it's changed because of me. He hated the fact my mum was around helping me out with my baby, to the point I had to hide if my mum was coming over. But he says he is happy for me to go out with my friends and do as I please but I don't want to do that anyway. He always tells me that he knows he is wrong and hates the way he is and has tried to end the relationship before because he said he didn't recognise himself and it was my fault, which I used to earlier on go running back thinking I can change for him, until one tome I stood my ground and was like ok and he couldn't believe I wasn't chasing so stepped up his game to win me back. When I tried to leave him after that he stepped up his game of niceness again until it was drive bye and constant phone calls. He said if he was abhsive he wouldn't have tried to leave me months ago. It's so so confusing. His intentions seem so genuine just wants a nice family and a happy relationship and he's made me believe it's me who isn't capable of that. What's he gained from all of this? 😢 it's been tourment and I have been really unwell since the diagnosis of herpes and the abortion 😩

@chickenyhead 😂

@Pinkgirl1986 ❤

Abuse is a cycle (idealise, devalue, discard). You will carry on being in that cycle until you decide to put an end to it.

They are always nice in the beginning because no one would ever want to be with them if they weren't. It's called lovebombing, where they tell you within weeks that you are the love of their life, their soul mate, you are the most amazing person they've ever met etc. Its all a ploy to suck you in so that they can start their manipulation.

He targeted you because you were at a vulnerable point in your life (just had a baby with a guy who left you holding the baby). They do this because they know you are more likely to suck up their bullshit, because you're scared and alone and they know you will tolerate almost anything to be in a relationship. Then, slowly but surely the abuse escalates and before you know it, you are being called a slag and everything is your fault. It is textbook abuse.

He keeps talking about how he was in the beginning but you have to come to terms with the fact that that was not the real him. It was a ploy to suck you in and you will try forever to get that 'him' back but it will never happen because he doesnt exist. These man are predators and con men. You cant believe anything he says as it's all lies.

They tell you that their exes are crazy and wont let him see their children, they've been cheated on in the past and that's why they're jealous, nothing is ever their fault and they are victims in life, sob stories about horrible childhoods, how they need you in their life.

Him not wanting your mum around is part of isolating you from your support network so that you are easier to control. He let's you see friends now but that will change. He will agree to babysit so you can go out but call you immediately to come home because of the baby or cause an argument at the last minute so you can't go.

He makes you believe everything is your fault so you doubt yourself and take responsibility for HIS actions. It's called gaslighting and it causes such confusion but listen to your gut, its telling you to get out, its telling you you are not safe. It's the only thing you should trust, not what he is saying.

It's all manipulation to make you stay. Please see through his bullshit for your childs sake. My biggest regret in life is allowing a man like this to be around my children. It's so damaging for a child to grow up seeing their mother being abused, it actually changes how their brain develops and yes, even a 12 month old knows something is not right. He will leave you so broken you are unable to be the best mum you can be. Please realise that this is not love, its control. These men have no empathy so do not care about the pain they cause you. It's all about him getting his needs met, you mean as much to him emotionally as a vacuum cleaner. Don't listen to his words, look at his actions!

There are so many videos on youtube about how to break free from these types of men and about the abuse tactics they use. Listen to them and see how many you can identify and it will help you to see more clearly the situation you are in.

@Jaffacakesaremyfave I've never left my baby with him. Ever. He's made me feel insane for it. Not normal. He says it's not a proper relationship. I explained this type of trust takes time. He critisises the choices I make with my baby and calls me pathetic all because I'm trying to be the best mum I can be. I question myself and my parenting.
He's tried to get me to move in after next to no time because 'our love was so pure'
He told me he loved me in a matter of weeks
He told me everything that accounts for a good relationship
He told me he has no empathy because I've made him mentally unwell
If I pull him up on Things that upset me he tells me what I've done wrong and that's the reason he's like that
He won't do anything nice for me or go on dates etc unless I move in because 'going on dates is false' if he's not happy and I'm immature and not an adult. I'm a child who is used to being used for sex and I'm blind to his love and genuine want to create a life with me. So I'm not allowed to go out with him for a date.
He tells me we will go on a date and be nice for a few days and then drops me. He promised that we would go on holiday together but because I want behaving properly he booked with his friends instead. I was in hysterics crying and was crying on him and he shoved me on the floor. He later called and said I didn't mean to shove you on the floor. I didn't realise you'd fall. He said he'd rather be on holiday with me but he deserved the holiday because of his shitty exes and past and I should be happy for him and if I start being a 'proper girlfriend' we can go on holiday.
We went for a meal together and he told me to give my baby ice cream. I said no I didn't want to expose him to sugar like that just yet. He kicked up a major fuss and made me feel weird. He said it's normal every day things and I ruined it and it would have been a laugh. But it wouldn't have been for me. He said this is why I wouldn't want a baby with you. I ended up crying in the restersunt because obviously I had a termination to him not that long ago. Reluctant but necessary unfortunately.
I've suffered post natal anxiety mainly brought on by the herpes diagnosis and his behaviour but he has no symptathh. He said he would have helped if I'd have just moved in. He can't be there for me if he can't see me every day.
He makes me feel guilty if I'm busy at home with my baby and don't get to the phone so I constantly keep my phone by my side to answer so I don't upset him.
The list goes on.
I've said nasty stuff too so I believe in some ways I deserve this. I always see abusive relationships as the victim not saying a word but maybe I'm wrong. I'm scared to address my feelings and agree with what he says to the point I even tell him other people think I'm pathetic too even though they don't. When I do address my feelings I feel guilty and wrong.
The thing is though he used to send me his location and I gained trust when he did that... obviously I don't have that nomore. X

He feed you a shit sandwich! Two lies to cover up the truth!
You will never know for sure and when you accept that you will feel a whole lot better.

I'm guessing he cheated on you or is just so lazy and selfish that he didn't care about your health or your children's.

People can work on a lot of things in relationships, but his absolute disregard for your health is EXTREMELY CONCERNING!

The fact that he deliberately gave you herpes is the least of the issues with him - and can you see what a totally fucked up sentence that is!!

You don't live with him - it should be easy to get rid. He brings nothing to your life.

@Grambler I know it really should shouldn't it. But I'm so broken now. He's told me I should appreciate the fact he accepted me with a baby. And that I'll never be happy and can't have a proper relationship. He's made out my family aren't great too. I just feel I have no hope anymore and that I'm a bad person, crap mum and not a 'proper girlfriend'.

calls me a slag

This alone is an instant dumping offence.

Spend some time on the Women's Aid website : www.womensaid.org.uk/

Maybe call them and speak to them on the phone.

And get away from him.

Everything he's told you is a lie.

I should appreciate the fact he accepted me with a baby. And that I'll never be happy and can't have a proper relationship. I'm a bad person, crap mum and not a 'proper girlfriend'

All lies.

@Pinkgirl1986

You are more than enough for your child and if you weren't constantly trying to fend off that monster you would be fierce.

Please look in to doing the freedom programme.

Please call womens women's aid just for a chat.

From your posts alone, I can tell that you can and will do this, it is a matter of survival. It is just a matter of when.

If you feel low now, every extra day you will feel lower. Until it becomes critical. Do it now and it will be easier.

I doubt he knew he had herpes but he definitely knew he had something. He doesn't sound the type to bother going to the gum clinic if he had a sore or taking any responsibility for his health. So yeah he knowingly infected you because he had a sore that he just ignored but he probably didn't know it was specifically herpes.

@WhatWhyWhen I'm sorry for your experiences. I'm not contradicting what HCPs have said to you but I contracted HSV1 on the genitals after oral sex with my ex who had the cold sore virus. I was told that 75%+ of people carry the HSV virus but if you've already been infected with HSV1 you are unlikely to be infected with HSV2...

If you were really a 'bad person' or not a 'proper girlfriend' does he strike you as the sort of person who would keep you around? I bet he has no tolerance for...well, anything right? So if all that were true, he would have dropped you in a heartbeat.

He is the one who is broken beyond repair.

And honestly, even if it were the case that there weren't any other dudes interested - do you think single life without a man would really be worse than eternity with this prick?

You know now, it isn't you it's him, he is the problem. We all see it so you aren't going nuts. He is just an evil being, sucking the soul out of you. It's time to take back your freedom. Once he is gone I promise you will start to feel better and in time, you'll just be angry you didn't do it sooner.

Speak with womens aid. And reach out to your family and friends.

Please get your little one and yourself away from this You are a great mum but he is a truly awful human being who will damage your child as much as he is already damaging you.

There is no 'question mark' - he deliberately infected you with genital herpes which is totally unacceptable. This was your primary infection, it's simply a fact that it was him. As pp have said, he has done this in order to further cut down your self worth so you are less likely to leave him, the same reason he abuses you and isolates you.

Get out now - if you don't have the strength to do it for yourself then do it for your baby. It'd be 'a laugh' to give a tiny baby ice cream? He finds physically distressing your tiny baby 'a laugh', he slaps his own children - this is not rocket science.

He is a sick individual, purely self centred with no love or care for anyone but himself.

So he has actually physically assaulted you (shoved you). Please OP, you need to leave this relationship immediately. This physical abuse WILL escalate. Even if you don't leave him alone with the baby (because you know he is incapable of looking after him) you run the risk of losing your child as you are exposing him to an abusive man.

I'm not saying this to be cruel, you need to wake up those mamma bear instincts and get as far away as you can from this situation. Everything you have listed is abusive tactics. He is conditioning you to accept abuse and has already done a good job at destroying your self esteem. He tells you these things to make you stay, to make you believe this is all you deserve.

I promise you the only reason you feel so terrible about yourself is because of this man and what he has done. If this isn't the first abusive relationship you've been in, it's likely you already had low self esteem from those which is why he chose you as a victim.

Foing from your name, you are the same age as me. I married an abusive man and had DC with him. He said everything your ex has said to you and more. It started with a shove, but within a few years, it has escalated to locking me in the house, kicking me when I was pregnant, holding my head down whilst I was driving with our DC in the car so I couldn't see (and could have killed us all). I stayed for 6 years and only found out years later that he was also physically and emotionally abusing our DC. He isn't in our lives anymore but the damage to my self esteem meant that I went on to have 3 more short relationships with abusive men that were just as bad (but thankfully I got out at the first sign of abuse). This left me a nervous wreck, with zero self esteem, anxiety, depression and complex PTSD.

What I'm saying is, I've been where you are now and I understand how utterly confusing, terrifying and heartbreaking it is. You don't want to admit you have made another 'mistake' by choosing the wrong man, you want to believe that with enough love he can change, you're so scared of being alone and dont think anyone else will ever want you.

Please know that all of this is lies. These men destroy you because of your good qualities. They want to break you to the point of where you can't leave, so they can carry on treating you badly and doing whatever else they want in the meantime. Believe me that this is not love. This man hates you because you are everything he will never be (loving, a good mother with a supportive family, a kind and decent person).

You need to seek help because the pain you feel when you break up has nothing to do with him. It's your own abandonment trauma kicking in, its unresolved stuff from your past. That's why it's so unbelievably painful. You have to make the decision today to end this cycle of abuse. Take back control of your life, even if you dont feel strong enough. Just do it and deal with your emotions afterwards, get support from your family and friends and practice self care. You don't deserve this life OP, you are worthy or love, trust and respect and make a promise to yourself today that you will never accept anything less from ANYONE in your life.

I left my last abusive relationship in March. It's been a very tough journey of healing from years of abuse, I have to sit in the loneliness that brings and make an active choice to stop beating myself up for things I cannot change.

This is not a dress rehearsal, it's your life and you only get one chance to make it a good one. Make today the day you stand up and leave and we will be here to support you every step of the way

@MyKingdomForBrie thank you. Obviously as a first time mum, suffering with post natal anxiety I think well is he right? So I speak to my other mum friends and ask if I'm daft for not doing XYZ that he finds 'normal'. Usually all my friends agree and say no Lorna, it's normal, I'm like that too. When I tell him my friends agree with me that I'm not doing the wrong thing by my son he says they're all pathetic, and weak and you're really unwell Lorna. He's like - why are you so buzzing about other people being pathetic as well. It's not clever. He's highly opinionated and thinks that mums who can't breastfeed are weak etc. I said to him stand in mothercwre and say that and he says I will. It's so arrogant but when you're in it all, not really doing much for yourself it's so hard. But I thank you all for replying and helping me see. Maybe the man I knew was fake. It's all been a lie. And I'm really happy you agree about the ice cream. Literally I don't do anything for myself at all. I am with my baby all day at classes with him or cleaning up in the house or at play centres with friends. That's fine. I'm happy to devote my life to my baby and really would without a single complaint but I just feel so hurt I was lead to believe I had hope for a family there, to realise it was all a lie. And I was really vulnerable when I met him because my baby's dad is a narcissist who physically beats women and doesn't see any of his kids but I got out in time because I was stronger then. I think I've just been beat down too much now and all I've ever wanted is a family and to be the best I can be and create a wonderful life for my children. I feel like such a failure in life now. But thanks guys. I really am going to find a way out now and pick myself up day by day. A part of me wants this herpes thing investigated but another part of me just wants peace and out. X

Are you ok Pink ?
It is a lot to take in .

The realisation that he is NOT what you thought.
Listen to the thread . They cut through the crap .

@AnneKipanki yes thank you I will be. Whenever anything in life doesn't go well I always have hope and it gets me through. Tome to use that now x

@Jaffacakesaremyfave sorry to hear about your experiences. Thank you for sharing. It's helpful ❤️

Good for you Pink!

Run .
Oh , if that is your name in the thread ask for deletion of name .

P.S you are NOT a failure. You are a family, you and your DC. Yes it's hard being a single mum at times but it's a damn sight easier without this piece of crap dragging you down.

It sounds like you are doing everything for you son on your own anyway. Would you really want this man as a role model for him?

Staying out of relationships and doing the work to find out why you keep finding yourself with abusers will change your life. I realised I am a codependent because my 'D'F was abusive to my DM and she was a hopeless enabler. It set me up to have very warped views of what relationships looked like and left me with no self belief. You can get this back though but you have to be on your own for a while and build yourself back up. He's trying to isolate you by slagging off your friends. He has no idea what he is talking about and IS a terrible father if he is willing to abuse the mother so why give any credit to what he says anyway?

Have you been to your G.P about your anxiety? They will be able to refer you for CBT or talking therapy which will help or even medication (which got me through alot of dark times). Its time to look after yourself OP. It's not selfish to spend time on self care, being with friends and having a life outside of you DS. Would your mum be willing to babysit a few times a month so you can spend time doing things you enjoy? Don't be a martyr, it wont help your son. He needs a happy and healthy mum so you must take care of your mental and physical health and it starts by getting rid of this dickhead!

Very sorry this has happened. Agree with all of the advice to leave him and seek help from the gp for yourself