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Original poster

He has lost his job, how do I manage this?

112 replies

IdiotInDisguise · 08/09/2019 19:15

We have been together for about a year, he is affectionate and caring but I’m afraid he is a mess when it comes to organising his time and finances, if I don’t keep reminding him of things he has to do or pay, he just simply swans around until it becomes a problem. He has a good heart and is very generous (possibly part of the problem) but I am getting so frustrated with it all I am thinking of ending it, the only reason why I don’t is because I really enjoy his company.

So not to drip feed:

  • I work full time and care for my teen 24/7. My salary is small but I am very organised with money, so DS and I have a good life despite my income, we keep expenses in track and can afford some little luxuries from time to time. I am trying to save as much as possible to help DS once he starts uni in a couple of years time. I own a house (mortgaged)
  • Before he lost his job, he was earning twice my salary but he had a huge amount of debt, mainly the result of divorce legal fees and some hefty loans from his previous relationship. The payments for these debts, combined with child maintenance and high mortgage payments meant that he was often pennyless by the end of the month. Thankfully he didn’t mention about the debt until his mother passed as it would have killed me with worry. I really live with little money so it is not as if I have been missing going out or on holidays but I find it incredibly irritating and embarrassing to see his credit card been rejected.

Problem is, he lost his job before he got the inheritance so he has been having dinner at my house all the nights he doesn’t have the kids, he is often here throughout the day even when I’m at work.

He has a lot of stuff to do, sorting his house and clearing the one of his mum, but he is here all the day. He sometimes do help with the garden or housework but most of the nights I come in to find the house in the same mess I left it in the morning and with an extra mouth asking what’s for dinner.

He has got the money from the inheritance now, paid the debts and the remaining will keep him living comfortably even if he doesn’t find a job in years.

Problem is, I am tired of nagging him to do stuff, and I am tired of coming back to entertain and cook for someone when I am exhausted after work. The house is a mess because I simply don’t have time in the evenings to do house chores.

But the sticking point is the food. Most things I usually get from the supermarket come in two portions so having him around means I need to buy for four instead of two. He often offers to pay when we go to the supermarket but as we rarely go to the supermarket together, he is not making up for this extra expense.

How do I tell him I want him to give me some space, meet once or twice in the week instead and ask him to contribute to the cost of food and the work that having him around causes?

I know you are all going to tell me to end it but honestly, I want to explore the possibility of sorting things while he gets a job (he is actively looking and having interviews). I am fed up at him being at my home doing not much throughout the day and waiting for me to come and cook dinner (he will cook/pay for stuff if I ask him but I am bloody tired of having to remind him it is his turn to cook/pay)

Has anybody managed to keep a relationship with a disorganised man without killing the love you felt for him?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 08/09/2019 19:22

He is a cocklodger.
If you find that attractive and have such a low opinion of yourself that you think it's the best you can do, crack on.
Otherwise, LTB.

(The only way a relationship with a loser man like this would work is that if you never married him, never had children with him, never lived with him - definitely never get a joint mortgage or tenancy - and only ever split expenses 50/50. Fine if you want a casual boyfriend, otherwise not.)

Number3or4 · 08/09/2019 19:24

If he is disorganised it don't mean you should to. Tell him the chores he needs to complete or hire and pay for a cleaner. It is as simple as that. Clean up after yourself or pay someone to do it.

He also needs to start paying for himself. Show him a monthly budget plan and tell him to give you the cash. It is cheaper and easier than letting someone else take over/ mess up your budget. If you don't want resentment ruin your new relationship, then it is time to start about money.

Original poster
IdiotInDisguise · 08/09/2019 19:27

He would be a cocklodger if we were living together but we aren’t, we have our own houses and do not share finances. He is just a visitor who is visiting too often. (I know I’m talking bollocks but hope dies last...)

OP posts:
Original poster
IdiotInDisguise · 08/09/2019 19:29

True. I was thinking of calculating food costs to the penny and asking him to pay a set amount a month, so we can stop this nonsense if I paid this it is your turn to pay that.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2019 19:29

Tell you need x nights on your own with your DC and that 2 nights a week he needs to shop, cook and clear up dinner at yours and you'll do the other 3!

Original poster
IdiotInDisguise · 08/09/2019 19:30

Now, how do I tell him I don’t want him here every night without hurting his feelings?

OP posts:
Jennifer2r · 08/09/2019 19:31

Your post doesn't make much sense to me to be honest.

"How do I tell him I want him to give me some space, meet once or twice in the week instead and ask him to contribute to the cost of food and the work that having him around causes?"

You say

"Listen Dave, I think you're ace. In order that our relationship stays fun for me I want youto give me some space, meet me once or twice in the week instead and contribute to the cost of food and the work that having you around causes"

Original poster
IdiotInDisguise · 08/09/2019 19:32

Like the idea of a weekly routine Randommess, thank you... in an ideal world I would like to see him twice a week and alternate weekends but want him cooking at least half of the time.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 08/09/2019 19:32

"He would be a cocklodger if we were living together but we aren’t, we have our own houses and do not share finances. He is just a visitor who is visiting too often. (I know I’m talking bollocks but hope dies last...)"

Yes you are talking bollocks. He has effectively moved in with you. He's in your house most days for most of the day and he expects you to buy him food and cook him dinner too.

Of course he's a cocklodger, he gets free accommodation, food and sex.

I hope he's good in bed at least.

Original poster
IdiotInDisguise · 08/09/2019 19:33

@jennifer2r, that sounds great and simple. I have tried it, he forgets after a week or so.

OP posts:
Dljlr · 08/09/2019 19:35

It's lovely you want to spare his feelings but honestly, just tell him how you feel. You're here too much, you're costing me money, and I want you to go home. If you don't give me some space I'll end things permanently. And there, you're done. If he doesn't apologise and go home then he's a twat and you've lost nothing.

TheABC · 08/09/2019 19:35

It's not going to get any better if he officially moves in. You are painting a picture of a man who is terrible with money and does not pull his weight in housework.

You have two options:

  1. Accept he won't change, arrange a schedule for him to visit and budget for the food as a trade-off for sex and companionship.

2)Be very, very explicit. If he is around for over half the week, agree to chores and a reasonable housekeeping payment to cover his bills. You already know he can afford it, but if he that disorganized, you are going to spend the rest of your life being the manager in the relationship. Are you up for that?

AnotherEmma · 08/09/2019 19:35

"Forgets" Hmm

LemonAddict · 08/09/2019 19:37

He’s not disorganised, he’s a freeloader taking advantage of you.

Every time you come home to your house looking a tip, every time you cook, every time you have to ask him to pay his way you’ll lose a little bit more love for him and your resentment will grow.

Honestly a grown man needs telling to pay his own way? Nah. This is not accidental, thoughtless, disorganised or whatever other bollocks you want to come up with to excuse him.

You’ve nothing to lose as this relationship is going down the toilet anyway. Tell him straight “you’re here too much. You can stay X nights a week and you’ll need to contribute £xx per week. You need to start cleaning up after yourself, taking a turn to cook, doing your own washing,, etc. I won’t ask you again. Set up a standing order for the money and buck your fucking ideas up or we’re done”.

Windmillwhirl · 08/09/2019 19:38

I think you need to be blunt. He is saving money by eating your food. Tell him you live on a strict budget and he needs to contribute.

I wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings when he's not worried about literally eating your savings.

Original poster
IdiotInDisguise · 08/09/2019 19:38

Mind you, he is lovely with my son and helps out driving him around if I am running late, which has been considerably reassuring as 1. I don’t have any family in this country who can take care of DS 2) I have been going to a lot of tests recently as at some point my doctor thought I could have cancer. He has been very supportive throughout and a rock to me. He certainly knows how to keep his head working through crisis.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2019 19:40

You frame it as so:

"It's all progressed a bit fast, I need a lot more one on one time with DC and downtime. How about we get together Tuesday and Thursdays and alternate weekends? On the weekends you need to provide the food and cook dinner because I can't afford it"

Original poster
IdiotInDisguise · 08/09/2019 19:41

He cleans after himself, he is very tidy, sometimes I get home to find the ironing done. It is my mess that he is not clearing, and neither I am as he is here at the times I could do the chores.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 08/09/2019 19:42

Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself he's not taking advantage of your kindness.

Original poster
IdiotInDisguise · 08/09/2019 19:46

Every time you come home to your house looking a tip, every time you cook, every time you have to ask him to pay his way you’ll lose a little bit more love for him and your resentment will grow.

That is exactly what is happening, I could have ended it yesterday, we drove quite a distance for an event DS needed to attend, I offered to pay for lunch at a restaurant, after which we ended spending hours at Ikea... he said he wanted a hotdog and DS wanted a drink, did he offer to pay for the 1.25 it costed, no, I had to bloody remind him O had paid already for lunch. Having said that, the cost of the petrol may have been similar to the cost of the lunch.

Sometimes I think I am just tight, but that’s how I survive on my salary.

OP posts:
Original poster
IdiotInDisguise · 08/09/2019 19:49

Of course he's a cocklodger, he gets free accommodation, food and sex.

Not much sex I would say, I cannot have sex when I’m annoyed.

Sigh. I know you all are right..,

OP posts:
Strawberrycreamsundae · 08/09/2019 19:51

Definitely a cocklodger, don't forget he's saving on heating/lighting as well when he's at your house.

Jennifer2r · 08/09/2019 19:53

He says, "I'll see you later" you say, "no, I'm hanging out with the kids tonight, I'll see you Friday instead. Love you."

I'm afraid with the paying for stuff you just need to be blunt. Does he hVe a habit of wandering off at the checkouts?

Are you scared that if you assert yourself he won't want to be with you anymore?

Original poster
IdiotInDisguise · 08/09/2019 19:55

I am sure that he wouldn’t hesitate in giving me an amount a month to cover the expenses he causes but someway I feel that he would expect me to do more for him if he does.

What I find most annoying is knowing he spends the day doing nothing when he could be sorting his house, clearing his mum’s or dealing with the almost resolved financial mess that he had.

OP posts:
CIareIsland · 08/09/2019 19:56

You are not compatible.
You do not share the same values as regards, money, boundaries and organisation.
This type of character will erode you and turn you into a negative, nagging person.
Your DC doesn’t need a Mum like that - having to give her finite energy over to some half wit - your DC needs your focus.
And you need someone who enhances your life not drags you under.