He has lost his job, how do I manage this?

[IdiotInDisguise]

We have been together for about a year, he is affectionate and caring but I’m afraid he is a mess when it comes to organising his time and finances, if I don’t keep reminding him of things he has to do or pay, he just simply swans around until it becomes a problem. He has a good heart and is very generous (possibly part of the problem) but I am getting so frustrated with it all I am thinking of ending it, the only reason why I don’t is because I really enjoy his company.

So not to drip feed:

• I work full time and care for my teen 24/7. My salary is small but I am very organised with money, so DS and I have a good life despite my income, we keep expenses in track and can afford some little luxuries from time to time. I am trying to save as much as possible to help DS once he starts uni in a couple of years time. I own a house (mortgaged)

• Before he lost his job, he was earning twice my salary but he had a huge amount of debt, mainly the result of divorce legal fees and some hefty loans from his previous relationship. The payments for these debts, combined with child maintenance and high mortgage payments meant that he was often pennyless by the end of the month. Thankfully he didn’t mention about the debt until his mother passed as it would have killed me with worry. I really live with little money so it is not as if I have been missing going out or on holidays but I find it incredibly irritating and embarrassing to see his credit card been rejected.

Problem is, he lost his job before he got the inheritance so he has been having dinner at my house all the nights he doesn’t have the kids, he is often here throughout the day even when I’m at work.

He has a lot of stuff to do, sorting his house and clearing the one of his mum, but he is here all the day. He sometimes do help with the garden or housework but most of the nights I come in to find the house in the same mess I left it in the morning and with an extra mouth asking what’s for dinner.

He has got the money from the inheritance now, paid the debts and the remaining will keep him living comfortably even if he doesn’t find a job in years.

Problem is, I am tired of nagging him to do stuff, and I am tired of coming back to entertain and cook for someone when I am exhausted after work. The house is a mess because I simply don’t have time in the evenings to do house chores.

But the sticking point is the food. Most things I usually get from the supermarket come in two portions so having him around means I need to buy for four instead of two. He often offers to pay when we go to the supermarket but as we rarely go to the supermarket together, he is not making up for this extra expense.

How do I tell him I want him to give me some space, meet once or twice in the week instead and ask him to contribute to the cost of food and the work that having him around causes?

I know you are all going to tell me to end it but honestly, I want to explore the possibility of sorting things while he gets a job (he is actively looking and having interviews). I am fed up at him being at my home doing not much throughout the day and waiting for me to come and cook dinner (he will cook/pay for stuff if I ask him but I am bloody tired of having to remind him it is his turn to cook/pay)

Has anybody managed to keep a relationship with a disorganised man without killing the love you felt for him?

He turns up in the morning? That's weird. Have you told him you don't want him at your house during the day?

I was thinking all you needed to do was when he said, so shall I come over Tuesday night? you say no let's make it Thursday. But he just turns up??

Can you tell him you don't want him to just turn up, you don't want him in your house during the day when you aren't there, and you want to arrange time together properly ie Thursday night and goodbye piss off in the morning!

Regarding the trip out, I imagine his petrol was as much as the lunch you paid for and maybe he thought that the hotdog was still part of the petrol money??

It generally seems like a huge lack of communication. Best of luck sorting it out. Talk

When men don’t pay their way in relationships it is not poor communication, or not understanding how much they are costing their partner, it is intentional ligging.

Now, how do I tell him I don’t want him here every night without hurting his feelings?

Ahhhhhhhhh! He already does a stellar job of prioritising his wants, why are you intent on following suit. If you insist in staying with this lazy and selfish man, you are going to need to assert yourself, regularly.

Funny that now he’s flush he’s still expecting you to subsidise him. Lack of finances wasn’t the reason he had his hand firmly in his pocket, entitlement was and is.

The problem with guys like this is that it's often a pattern of behaviour. They find someone new and in the first few months pretend that they have their shit together and are oh so helpful, becoming an 'essential' part of your life. The minute they become comfortable (and you start providing the easy life they want) they mysteriously lose their job and start doing less and less and practically move in by stealth. How big were his debts and are you sure it was all divorce money? I bet he is generally irresponsible with money and irresponsible with money.

I've seen this time and time again (and yes it's happened to me). Do you know why he got divorced? How long was he in this previous job? Why did he say he got fired?

This isn't about his job, this is about his character. Lazy, entitled, selfish and taking advantage of a lovely person who he knows wont hurt his feelings by telling him to pull his weight.

If I lost my job, I'd be up at the crack of dawn trying to find another one every day. I certainly wouldnt expect my partner of 12 months to be looking after me.

I'm sorry OP but I don't think this is salvagable unless you're happy to look after a man child on top of caring for your DS. He will get worse, don't fall for it like I did as they only use you for what they can get and then move on to the next victim when you finally have enough. He'll take everything from you if you let him.

OP have you ever been to his house?

He's moved in with you by stealth, hasn't he?

You don't. Not your problem.

Hoping you feel a bit lighter today. Well done for starting the process. Hope he understands

Op your "way of doing things" IS NOT WORKING!

So why dismiss mine and others comments pointing out that fact?

It's not going to resolve matters for you, railing against us is pointless WE ARE NOT the ones sponging off you!

But hey, if your need to believe you handled ANY of this AT ALL appropriately or well is MORE important than stopping this loser milking you then that's your lookout.

You'll be back in what? 3 months moaning you're skint for Christmas because he's milked you dry and possibly fucked off to milk the next mug by that point.

No skin off my or any other pps nose we're not the ones being skint by him.

I have an "arm" of my family are very accomplished con artists.

Seemingly big acts of generosity - eg 5 star holidays are a CLASSIC ploy to make a mark feel indebted to you and more likely to return that generosity and THEN SOME.

Go and read some of those stories by women fleeced of £100,000's and you will see very often comments like "at the start he was so generous" "he would treat me to posh meals and weekends away" then often these men have "cash flow problems" - "he said he was waiting on a £mn inheritance it was just going through probate, he showed me all the paperwork so I lent him money just until that came through" or "he was in the process of selling his successful business but in the meantime was cash poor" it's a well known long con!

And while there are few that take it to the extremes of the kind that make it into the press etc there are THOUSANDS that do it on a smaller scale and that is how they find their lives without working!

Seriously look up how it all works, the psychology of it.

"Give to get" is basically how it works, give you a small reward to reel you in, play on socialised "niceness" of being a woman, "but I love you" etc.

Honestly wise up, watch a few episodes of hustle or similar or even bloody watchdog!

You're being played.

You think I'm being unkind, harsh even.

I'm really not! I'm being blunt to try and open your eyes (and anyone else similarly being targeted by men like this hopefully) and prevent you from losing more money and from being massively hurt when this guy reaches a point where you're no longer of benefit to him.

*fund their lives

Sodding autocorrect!!

It's amazing how brainwashed a person can get, that they think some random on the internet pointing out the truth is more unkind than some person who is actually in their life freeloading the shit out of them.

Why can’t he kit his own office out with nicer things? He obviously asks the means to do so.