He has lost his job, how do I manage this?

[IdiotInDisguise]

We have been together for about a year, he is affectionate and caring but I’m afraid he is a mess when it comes to organising his time and finances, if I don’t keep reminding him of things he has to do or pay, he just simply swans around until it becomes a problem. He has a good heart and is very generous (possibly part of the problem) but I am getting so frustrated with it all I am thinking of ending it, the only reason why I don’t is because I really enjoy his company.

So not to drip feed:

• I work full time and care for my teen 24/7. My salary is small but I am very organised with money, so DS and I have a good life despite my income, we keep expenses in track and can afford some little luxuries from time to time. I am trying to save as much as possible to help DS once he starts uni in a couple of years time. I own a house (mortgaged)

• Before he lost his job, he was earning twice my salary but he had a huge amount of debt, mainly the result of divorce legal fees and some hefty loans from his previous relationship. The payments for these debts, combined with child maintenance and high mortgage payments meant that he was often pennyless by the end of the month. Thankfully he didn’t mention about the debt until his mother passed as it would have killed me with worry. I really live with little money so it is not as if I have been missing going out or on holidays but I find it incredibly irritating and embarrassing to see his credit card been rejected.

Problem is, he lost his job before he got the inheritance so he has been having dinner at my house all the nights he doesn’t have the kids, he is often here throughout the day even when I’m at work.

He has a lot of stuff to do, sorting his house and clearing the one of his mum, but he is here all the day. He sometimes do help with the garden or housework but most of the nights I come in to find the house in the same mess I left it in the morning and with an extra mouth asking what’s for dinner.

He has got the money from the inheritance now, paid the debts and the remaining will keep him living comfortably even if he doesn’t find a job in years.

Problem is, I am tired of nagging him to do stuff, and I am tired of coming back to entertain and cook for someone when I am exhausted after work. The house is a mess because I simply don’t have time in the evenings to do house chores.

But the sticking point is the food. Most things I usually get from the supermarket come in two portions so having him around means I need to buy for four instead of two. He often offers to pay when we go to the supermarket but as we rarely go to the supermarket together, he is not making up for this extra expense.

How do I tell him I want him to give me some space, meet once or twice in the week instead and ask him to contribute to the cost of food and the work that having him around causes?

I know you are all going to tell me to end it but honestly, I want to explore the possibility of sorting things while he gets a job (he is actively looking and having interviews). I am fed up at him being at my home doing not much throughout the day and waiting for me to come and cook dinner (he will cook/pay for stuff if I ask him but I am bloody tired of having to remind him it is his turn to cook/pay)

Has anybody managed to keep a relationship with a disorganised man without killing the love you felt for him?

And if he is over offended by you sorting this then I'm sorry but he is using you

HundredMilesAnHour thank you

"Graphista, I am not living with him, he appears here in the morning. I’m not what YOU think the stereotypical single mother is, so go away with your prejudices." Wtaf!!

I AM a single mother myself! Have been for 16 years, never been on anything but a tight budget that whole time I know EXACTLY what it's like - the only difference is I've never allowed a man to treat me like shit and take advantage of my generosity the way you're doing!

I've dated, couple of times things have become more serious, but my dd has ALWAYS come first and that includes not involving her in my love life until such time as things are likely to become permanent AND not allowing them to sponge off me so she ends up doing without!

We see it REPEATEDLY on mn women allowing men to move in by stealth, on the man's terms, to the detriment of the children as well as themselves and letting the man take advantage of them financially, practically and emotionally.

But then I suspect you're lashing out because you KNOW what I'm saying is spot on, that you've messed up and now need to sort that mess out ASAP.

"He has cleared all his debt with the inheritance he recently received. He can afford not to work for years with that money." All the more reason he shouldn't be sponging off you!

You're directing your ire at completely the wrong person.

"DO NOT LET HIM GIVE YOU ANY MONEY FOR THE HOUSE as he could argue that he has beneficial interest." AbsoBLOODYlutely!!

Does he know how little you actually earn? And how little room there is in your budget?

@Graphista has a point, the OP now says this man has offered to put her son through university

I think she is on some level charmed by his persona of this cultured intellectual who appears relatively well off compared to her. I predict his financial situation hides more secrets if he didn’t share his debt till his mother’s death paid it off. But he gives good chat & is intellectually stimulating.

He throws money around spoiling her on holidays & making grand gestures of paying uni fees & paying for renovations. It would be easy to get caught up in that. In reality all he has done is take himself on holiday with a partner to have sex with on holidays. He has made some as yet unfulfilled financial promises to OP & her son.

As a childfree person am going to let you know he is only being nice to your son because he wants to keep having sex with his mum.

OK, as I said I was listening to you, just talked to him in the phone. I asked him not to be at mines during the day, to concentrate in sorting the other two houses that need so much work. I have also mentioned I am tired of having to come to cook dinner and that it would be great if he could cook as well without prompting, it is only fair if he is around. Also mentioned about the food, he has offered for us to go together to do the shopping, I have said no to that as most often than not I stop at the supermarket on my way back home and it only once in a blue moon that he gets to pay for that.

And I suppose my relationship is about to die as knowing well how much time I waste in Mumsnet, it won’t take him long to find this thread.

Night night.

And I suppose my relationship is about to die as knowing well how much time I waste in Mumsnet, it won’t take him long to find this thread.

Why would he be looking at Mumsnet??? Does he use your computer??

He just doesn't get it, does he? You say you want him to cook and shop for food because you're tired of coming home and doing it, and his response is that you should go to the supermarket together? Dear oh dear.

I think you know this man is a waste of space but for some reason you seem charmed by him and keep hanging on. Fuck knows why.

Soooo basically you said "don't be at mine during the day, but when you carry on regardless, it'd be nice if you cook for me". Not exactly assertive.

What is his insistence at going food shopping together? Has he never bought the milk & bread say? Or taken note of something else you use frequently & bought that?

I am wondering if he wants to keep monopolising OP’s time by going shopping together, or if there is another reason ie she will be indebted to him for paying for her whole weekly food bill

Also mentioned about the food, he has offered for us to go together to do the shopping, I have said no to that as most often than not I stop at the supermarket on my way back home and it only once in a blue moon that he gets to pay for that.

When you said that, what did he say?

Any decent bloke would be aghast, ask how much the shopping was and give you a fair contribution.

His choice isn’t

A. Cocklodge and not pay for anything or

B. Go food shopping with you.

Surely he and you can understand that there are other options in betwern!

The problem here is simple. You think he will change. He wont. Now stop
Imagining him being a different person than who he is. Picture him as the person he actually
Is now. Could you be happy with that person for the next 20 years?

Can you not give him a shopping list and ask him to do a run to Tesco while you are at work? My partner and I dont live together, but he spends a lot of time at mine, and quite often will do a shop and pick up stuff we need.

I want him to do the shopping list himself. I’m not his mother.

Graphista, fantastic, I respect what you feel is right for you and your kids even if I disagree with you. I don’t think my way of dealing with things as a single mother applies to everyone else on the same boat. Neither should you try to impose your strict views on others. At the end of the day, we all have been screwed up in different ways so what works for one is a disaster for another one. Life and relationships are never black and white.

And no, I’m not charmed by his superior intellect, or his money. He is an equal to me. It is only after he got the inheritance that he has ended up with more money than me.

So please don’t assume I am an irresponsible single mum. Most of us single mums, are widows, divorced women or people out of very long term relationships who are working hard to provide well for our kids and behave responsibly.

And he may have paid handsomely for the holiday away but I can assure you he didn’t do it for the sex. Given my recent health problems, he knew sex was not going to be part of the holiday long before he booked. He said he wanted to do it because I needed a break and he was grateful I stood by him in his hour of need.

If he was not a mix of generosity and thoughtfulness with tightness and lack of consideration I would have not started this thread.

Maybe it’s that if OP comes along on the shop then he doesn’t have to think of anything, gets to monopolise her time meandering down the aisles & he gets to throw money at the problem without having done the shopping chore himself. It’s a grand gesture, like offering to pay for the son’s uni fees (which I find most unsettling personally).

Disorganised man
Ffs
That’s hilarious
He’s knows full well he should be paying for food and bills he uses at your house ,because he’s an adult not a looked after child.
Oh dear op did you just think it slips his mind and he really does mean to pay u.
Cocklodger

The fact that he is apparently spending the capital he inherited rather than investing it suggests he’s not learnt from his crapness with money.

I think the 5 star holiday has blinded you to the fact you are completely incompatible in terms of views on finances

The holiday was for himself because he wanted to treat himself with the inheritence money. He also enjoys monopolising your time so he brought you along as his companion.

You can keep believing the holiday was a generous act but I bet everything he does has a selfish streak to it.

Say you lost your keys so have to change the locks and then don't give him a key for the new lock

I want him to do the shopping list himself.

Yeah, I want to win the EuroMillions on Tuesday, my odds of that are better than this person ever changing. He knows damn well what he's doing. Disorganised man, my arse. This has worked for him his entire adult like, because women have allowed him to get away with it. You're the latest in a long line, so what's a little future faking with 'I'll put your son through uni' because right now you are cooking him dinner every night and subbing his living costs. One person putting on the heater and running the leccy all day long - wow, if it were just a bit of change then power companies wouldn't charge, would they? £100/month, minimum, for one person to use a month on power and gas for heat and hot water, £1200/annum. That's a lot of money.

Someone has adulted for him his entire life, you're the latest.

But it's MN's fault if this parasitic relationship fails? FFS.

Keep on with the wishy washy hints and 'don't come to mine, but oh, cook' and taking him to the supermarket like a 10-year-old.

People do what works, and being taken advantage of is working for you on some level or you'd cut it out.

Graphista is spot on.

Mumsnet fault??? Why??? PMSL

I can assure you Tim’s that if it fails, and it is very likely to fail, it won’t be Mumsnet fault. 😁

You sound incompatible and I don't think these things get better. He is showing you who he is and how he views women and n his relationships.

I wouldn't want to shop together either or cook dinner every night for another adult. Having someone bum round all day being unproductive would be a complete turn off for me too.

How did he lose his job?

I’m not his mother.
No....but he wants you to play the role.
Hence his regular 'forgetfulness' and 'inability' to take the initiative on anything.
He's choosing to use your home so much becauise it saves on HIS utilities and he doesn't have to use his own stuff and create housework for himself.
He CHOOSES to 'not think' about paying for everyday stuff he uses and taking turns paying for treats etc......because one off large acts of 'generosity' (xmas gifts/offering uni fees etc) can be used to manipulate you into thinking that he's actually a 'really nice guy'.

Just get rid of this leech OP.

Why would you see it as a failure if you don’t have the same outlook on life? Things end, it doesn’t mean you failed. Nobody gets a great prize for staying with an ill-suited person