He has lost his job, how do I manage this?

[IdiotInDisguise]

We have been together for about a year, he is affectionate and caring but I’m afraid he is a mess when it comes to organising his time and finances, if I don’t keep reminding him of things he has to do or pay, he just simply swans around until it becomes a problem. He has a good heart and is very generous (possibly part of the problem) but I am getting so frustrated with it all I am thinking of ending it, the only reason why I don’t is because I really enjoy his company.

So not to drip feed:

• I work full time and care for my teen 24/7. My salary is small but I am very organised with money, so DS and I have a good life despite my income, we keep expenses in track and can afford some little luxuries from time to time. I am trying to save as much as possible to help DS once he starts uni in a couple of years time. I own a house (mortgaged)

• Before he lost his job, he was earning twice my salary but he had a huge amount of debt, mainly the result of divorce legal fees and some hefty loans from his previous relationship. The payments for these debts, combined with child maintenance and high mortgage payments meant that he was often pennyless by the end of the month. Thankfully he didn’t mention about the debt until his mother passed as it would have killed me with worry. I really live with little money so it is not as if I have been missing going out or on holidays but I find it incredibly irritating and embarrassing to see his credit card been rejected.

Problem is, he lost his job before he got the inheritance so he has been having dinner at my house all the nights he doesn’t have the kids, he is often here throughout the day even when I’m at work.

He has a lot of stuff to do, sorting his house and clearing the one of his mum, but he is here all the day. He sometimes do help with the garden or housework but most of the nights I come in to find the house in the same mess I left it in the morning and with an extra mouth asking what’s for dinner.

He has got the money from the inheritance now, paid the debts and the remaining will keep him living comfortably even if he doesn’t find a job in years.

Problem is, I am tired of nagging him to do stuff, and I am tired of coming back to entertain and cook for someone when I am exhausted after work. The house is a mess because I simply don’t have time in the evenings to do house chores.

But the sticking point is the food. Most things I usually get from the supermarket come in two portions so having him around means I need to buy for four instead of two. He often offers to pay when we go to the supermarket but as we rarely go to the supermarket together, he is not making up for this extra expense.

How do I tell him I want him to give me some space, meet once or twice in the week instead and ask him to contribute to the cost of food and the work that having him around causes?

I know you are all going to tell me to end it but honestly, I want to explore the possibility of sorting things while he gets a job (he is actively looking and having interviews). I am fed up at him being at my home doing not much throughout the day and waiting for me to come and cook dinner (he will cook/pay for stuff if I ask him but I am bloody tired of having to remind him it is his turn to cook/pay)

Has anybody managed to keep a relationship with a disorganised man without killing the love you felt for him?

To be fair OP you did say one of the good things about him is the lifts he gives your son, so maybe he has become over involved in your lives. Take responsibility for things, he just appears every morning? But he is staying over presumably after you cook dinner. Or does he go home to his after dinner & come back in the morning?

Leave earlier?
Why isn’t he cooking you dinner at his home?

I think you need a frank discussion about the whole relationship and your expectations. I wouldn’t want a man in my home all day doing nothing. It’s really odd when he has two homes to live in.

He has cleared all his debt with the inheritance he recently received. He can afford not to work for years with that money. Having said that, yes I got ballistic in Christmas when I realised how much he had spent in gifts, it was not the time for such display of generosity.

He goes home most of the times. Now if he goes home he wants a long phone call when I just want to crack on with things or go to bed.

By take responsibility I mean you are allowing someone to be at your house every day when you aren’t home. So you can say he hasn’t moved in but your insistence at this rings false to me personally. What is keeping you thinking this guy is a catch for you? Your values sound so polar opposite.

If he irritates you this much use this fire to stand up for yourself & tell him what does & doesn’t work for you.

I can almost guarantee you will break up with this guy & be very angry with yourself later for letting someone affect your finances.

You don’t want to hurt his feelings but he doesn’t care about your feelings to not pay his way when he is sitting on a big inheritence.

He's virtually moved in by stealth.
He doesn't volunteer help, financial or practical.
You think he would expect you to do more for him if he contributed?!

You're never going to have an equal partnership with such a man.

I feel like we're all banging our heads against the OP's brick wall. You just don't want to hear it OP. Shame as you sound like a good, hard working person who deserves so much better than this man.

That still makes him financially irresponsible.
He didn’t clear his debts through work, planning, effort.
He had the timely fortune of an inheritance. Talk of not needed to work for years is worrying.

He will piss this money away in time as well.

Why do you give in to what he wants at the expense of what you want? If you need to do chores it is ok to say you can’t chat on the phone. You keep talking about his feelings when you are sitting here feeling upset but deep down you know he doesn’t care about you stressing over money.

I’m not sure what advice you want because you seem to really like this guy but want him to come over less. So we have told you to say that, but you say that hasn’t worked.

So what are you going to do?

um wow you need to tell him straight! hes moved himself in!

why woudl he pay for his own stuff at his house, leccie etc when he can use yours and stay overallthe time

yes - he is a cocklodger

get rid of him out your home - you dont have to end the relationship but you need to put boundaries up now

@IdiotInDisguise I saw something on Instagram the other day that was possibly better worded than this but; It's not your responsibility to parent him. You already have enough responsibilities, it's not your job to parent him as well.

You sound like a really nice person and you shouldn't settle.

Surely this is quite a straightforward conversation to sort this out. Just sit down and have a conversation explaining that it’s causing you stress to keep asking for money for food and that you want him to set up a direct debit to you for each month to cover food & amenities.

Also someone smarter with money would not spend an inheritence instead of working unless we are talking a lifetime supply of cash

He will spend it all & have less in his pension to retire on because he was out of work for years & that isn’t a great look for an employer

Also he didn’t clear his debt through hard work

Urrgh how tedious - still not respecting your needs - you ask him to go home - but he still breaks the boundaries by monopolising your time on a long phone call.

When all you need/want to do is look after your DC, do some chores and go to bed as you are a single parent working FT.

He's very full on, it's like he wants a wife but without contributing financially or domestically!!!

FFS! Get a self esteem! You now know why this guy is divorced and was in debt. He's a fucking cocklodger and he can be because you put up with it. Every single penny he is putting in his mouth, that you bloody cooked, is a penny snatched away from your child, who should always be priority over some guy.

And you're worried about hurting his ickle feelings? He doesn't give a shit about yours! He's not giving them a single thought.

He is taking money from you.

Because you let him.

If you care about yourself, your child and the life you have together, you will bin him off.

Just get rid. 'This isn't working anymore.'

All the chats in the world NEVER work with a person like this because this is who he is. This is how far he is in adulthood and still behaving like this because this is who he is.

Get a clue.

You must be knackered OP. I've had that stifled feeling in relationships, and it's not a good sign.

Believe me, if you prefer the idea of hoovering and putting a wash on to talking to DP at length, he's not the right man for you. As for the £ - he should have offered, and the cringe you feel at the prospect of asking doesn't bode well.

Tell him things have moved on quickly without either of you sorting it out. So to get back on an even keel and so you can spend valuable time with teen, he needs to move at and can crack on with his house issues, date night on x and x.

Thank you all, believe it or not, I’m listening, I just needed a good bashing to clear my head.

I do not need a man to save me, or provide for me, I am financially independent, have lots of friends, a job I love and a child who is doing very well, I have my own house which tends to be a money pit at times but we are ok.

What I like is to have his company on tap, he is very cultured and great in conversation but I agree he has grown up with enough money not to realise that what for him is just pennies is not for others but please be reassured he is not depleting my savings, if I am tight enough to complain about food expenses I am not going to let him go anywhere near my bank account, even if he has way more money than me.

I will talk to him, hopefully agree to a weekly routine on when to meet each other and tell him to stay away at other times.

To his credit, he has offered to pay DS university and for some expensive repairs of the house, both offers I have declined because I don’t want to feel indebted to him. Once burned, twice shy, my financial independence is sacred.

I missed a few pages but why does he go home and reappear each morning if you're off to work? Sounds an odd situation

Initially to help with the chores, which he is no longer doing otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation, he is also using my office at home to work in job applications and internet browsing as it is more comfortable than his.

Using your electricity and heating. I don't understand why you're putting up with it.

Well he best sort out his own office ASAP then!

"he is here at the times I could do the chores."

Just do the chores while he is there. Don't treat him like an honoured guest FFS. Guests don't stay indefinitely for all or most of the time!

If he wants to be at your house all the time (hint: you shouldn't let him) then he should at the very least do you the courtesy of tidying up a bit while he has time, and contributing to food without you asking. That's not even counting the extra energy and water he's using.

"as soon as he gets a job, we are back to normal"
Hahahaha
This IS normal for him. THIS IS WHAT HE IS LIKE. This is what he is like to live with. He is inconsiderate and tight with money. When someone tells (shows) you who they are, LISTEN!

I agree with Clare that he is a financial disaster and will piss away the rest of his inheritance.
"To his credit, he has offered to pay DS university and for some expensive repairs of the house"
DO NOT LET HIM GIVE YOU ANY MONEY FOR THE HOUSE as he could argue that he has beneficial interest.
There are two possibilities here; either he made the offers knowing that you'd refuse and he wouldn't have to follow through, or he is monumentally stupid enough to genuinely want to give vast sums of money to someone he's not even living with let alone married to. Either way neither of those things give him any "credit", it's just another red flag.

Of course your office is more comfortable - the heating and lighting are free.

Yep that is taking the piss.
If you like him, go back to the boyfriend stage, take back a key and try date nights. Restart the whole thing