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Original poster

Husband angry with my parents

110 replies

Historyrepeating1234 · 08/09/2019 07:09

Hi, so my parents babysat last night for us. We’ve been in our new house for 3 weeks. We are still in a bit of chaos and finding homes for everything. They brought their dogs round for the evening, we have one too and they all get on. We asked that the dogs not go in our living room yet & stay in the kitchen. However they did let them in, they might have also been upstairs in the house (can’t be sure of this yet). Needless to say my husband was furious when we got back. I didn’t want a scene so I shushed him as they left. He then searched the house for what else they might have done wrong. There was a mark on a chair etc. I know this is going to lead to more rows today. I understand why he’s cross, but they do a lot for us and look after our dog a lot. How would you deal with this? He wants me to tell them how upset “we” are. They also help with childcare during the week. I don’t want a massive row with everyone. I know my parents will think he’s being unreasonable with all they do and how we’ve always been welcome in their home. They’ve expressed to me before that they have never felt comfortable at ours because of all his rules etc. His family have very different attitudes towards shoes in the house etc. We have been arguing a lot lately and I just can’t face more of it. How would you deal with this? I know it might sound superficial but he’s was so angry about the whole thing. TIA

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 08/09/2019 07:11

What was the reason for the dogs not being in the living room?

I’d tell him to chill the fuck out, he sounds like a knob

Shoxfordian · 08/09/2019 07:12

He does sound like he's being unreasonable though so I wouldn't be on his side. Tell him to calm down and stop being a dick.

Soontobe60 · 08/09/2019 07:15

OP, do YOU think the dogs shouldn't have been allowed in the living room too? Is your DH very controlling? Tell him that if he has a problem, then he should speak to your parents. And then to expect them to stop giving you so much help, including childcare.

saraclara · 08/09/2019 07:15

So ask him what arrangements he's going to make for the care of your dog and your child when you tell them how upset you are and they say 'sorry, we won't be helping any more'

Makegoodchoices · 08/09/2019 07:17

He sounds like he’s over reacting but you’re under reacting.

No dogs in living room is a very clear boundary, they chose to ignore it.
Is this a pattern of behaviour for them?

rosedream · 08/09/2019 07:17

What damage happened ?
Is your dog allowed in the sitting room?
Would it be uncomfortable for them having dogs in kitchen meaning they couldn't relax ?

I can understand being annoyed to being not listened too but his response is way over the top. Are there lots of rules in your house ? I'd be sad that people feel uncomfortable visiting or being in my house.

He needs to realise how lucky he is to have so much support from your parents.

Is he being grumpy , controlling or an arse ?

OhioOhioOhio · 08/09/2019 07:19

Yes. Ask him to fix the child care problem. Then see if he's still as bothered.

Cambionome · 08/09/2019 07:20

Has he got form for this? And how do you honestly feel about how your parents behaved?

darlingsweetpea · 08/09/2019 07:20

Spot on @saraclara they'll just stop helping.

KatherineJaneway · 08/09/2019 07:20

Do you know for sure the mark on the chair was made by your parents and / or the dogs and not during the move.

adaline · 08/09/2019 07:20

Why no dogs in the living room?

I would wonder whether they didn't want to sit in the kitchen all night and didn't want to be separated from the dogs either.

Apolloanddaphne · 08/09/2019 07:23

What was his reason for no dogs in the living room? Mine would whine non stop if we tried to shut her away from us. Does your dog ever get in the sitting room?

prawnsword · 08/09/2019 07:26

Op it’s unclear from this post whether you agree they should be permitted in the lounge. As someone who sees dogs as equal in basic rights to kids, would say he sounds OTT. Did the dogs soil or destroy something ? Are we talking two scruffy little fluff balls or a big bull mastiff type that screams “destroyer” ?

If your parents feel uncomfortable because of his rules, do you deep down agree with them ? It sounds like your husband is putting you in the middle, but it is unclear if he is being OTT or not

Is your dog allowed in the lounge room ? If not why are dogs not allowed to be in the lounge area ? It sounds like he is anal about the couches if he picked up a small mark. This would piss me off, because in my opinion you should not have dogs or cats & be anal about furniture wear & tear to the point of small marks. Chewing & intentional scratching obviously not OK! A mark would not be noticed straight away or worth creating a fuss over. Kids scuff up lounges too

Her0utdoors · 08/09/2019 07:27

"reasonably so", why? He sounds very hard work, and having moved house in the last month I can imagine he's pretty stressed. As suggested above, if he isn't happy with the current child/dog care situation then the ball is firmly in his court to find a more acceptable solution. Do allow there to be any "we" when he's telling his parents in law what his problem is.

saraclara · 08/09/2019 07:29

If he was clearly furious and you had to shush him, I imagine your parents were aware, and on top of what they've already said about feeling uncomfortable in your house, they might well have already decided that enough's enough.

If this is a new house and the dogs are neither used to it, or to being shut away, I imagine that they didn't settle, and your parents had to let them in.

NerrSnerr · 08/09/2019 07:30

I think if you bring this up with them you may need alternative childcare.

prawnsword · 08/09/2019 07:32

Also banning a family member from a room because they might wreck something you sit on is just stupid to me. I could never be with this type of person who had an attitude that dogs are full stop banned from family rooms like kitchen & lounge, or not allowed to feel part of the family. This is the aspect of the reasoning I don’t agree with. In this situation I would not be comfortable to say to my folks this was an issue, because it wouldn’t be an issue I personally agree with.

If your folks have a history of breaking boundaries then fair enough use this to highlight an overall theme of them busting boundaries.

I am probably not best placed to support your husband because this rule to me is stupid. I presume it is his rule & you are just supporting his wishes ?

Fatshedra · 08/09/2019 07:33

Are the dogs small well behaved little breeds or big hairy labs that jump on the furniture?
I think the DPs were wrong to go against a simple request. But it soudns like there is already a bit of bad feeling between them and DH.
Is that why they didn't make a point of keeping to his orders.

prawnsword · 08/09/2019 07:34

Oh & making a scene to point of shushing , over dogs being in a lounge room! Now in mid 30s, they would be dumped on site, like an unwanted mutt at the pound.

Chitarra · 08/09/2019 07:35

OP, I know how you're feeling. We have similar issues - nothing to do with dogs, but more generally my parents help us a lot with childcare and that means that when they do something which annoys my DH I feel bad about 'telling them off' as they do so much for us.

I think you do need to be honest and remind your DH that your parents help out a lot and that means you don't want to be too angry with them about this relatively small thing.

It sounds like you are maybe a bit scared of your DH's anger? What are you worried that he might do?

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/09/2019 07:35

From what you have said so far your parents sound like saints. I wonder what would happen if they decided your husband had made them too uncomfortable? Would your lack of childcare and help with the dog lead to you not being able to work and isolated from your family? Is this what he wants?

Whenaretheholidaysover · 08/09/2019 07:37

Where were the dogs supposed to go for the evening and was that reasonable?

Whenaretheholidaysover · 08/09/2019 07:38

Oh just saw the kitchen. Maybe that was hard work for your parents to enforce.

Original poster
Historyrepeating1234 · 08/09/2019 07:38

Thank you for all you replies, yes our dog goes all over the house. She sleeps on the end of our bed. Tbf my husband spent a long time training our dog and she is very obedient, my parents dogs aren’t badly behaved but not as disciplined as ours.my mum had a lot of work done in her house and won’t let her dogs unsupervised in her living room anymore. We have a kitchen with sofas in like she does so it’s not uncomfortable. I think the mark was where my dad had sat (product off his hair), it seems to have come off. My DH does have very set ways of doing things and struggles to see other points of view. The other complication is that my mum loaned us money as a deposit. I know she will say “he wouldn’t be in that house without us”. I can see both points of view. But I do feel his expectations of people are becoming unreasonable, I know I can’t meet them all the time. We’ve been together a long time, he has lots of good personality traits but I am struggling at the minute.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 08/09/2019 07:40

Are these rules agreed between you both? If so I'd be a bit more supportive of your husband and raise in tactfully with your parents. Just because your husband had a different upbringing and views to you and your parents doesn't mean he is wrong or that he can just be ignored because they help you out. Remember, it is his house too and he has a right to feel comfortable in it.

If you aren't agreeing the rules then you need to talk to him about it.

Of course this is MN and he is a man so you are getting the 'he is a knob' comments.