Husband angry with my parents

[Historyrepeating1234]

Hi, so my parents babysat last night for us. We’ve been in our new house for 3 weeks. We are still in a bit of chaos and finding homes for everything. They brought their dogs round for the evening, we have one too and they all get on. We asked that the dogs not go in our living room yet & stay in the kitchen. However they did let them in, they might have also been upstairs in the house (can’t be sure of this yet). Needless to say my husband was furious when we got back. I didn’t want a scene so I shushed him as they left. He then searched the house for what else they might have done wrong. There was a mark on a chair etc. I know this is going to lead to more rows today. I understand why he’s cross, but they do a lot for us and look after our dog a lot. How would you deal with this? He wants me to tell them how upset “we” are. They also help with childcare during the week. I don’t want a massive row with everyone. I know my parents will think he’s being unreasonable with all they do and how we’ve always been welcome in their home. They’ve expressed to me before that they have never felt comfortable at ours because of all his rules etc. His family have very different attitudes towards shoes in the house etc. We have been arguing a lot lately and I just can’t face more of it. How would you deal with this? I know it might sound superficial but he’s was so angry about the whole thing. TIA

This would annoy me so much as well. I remember my mum used to say ''oh she's lovely isn't she'' as her dog was jumping all over me. And when I was pregnant with DC1 I was worried about the way she didn't realise how jumpy the dog was. Once while the dog was literally laddering my tights my mum was simultaneously saying ''she's harmless''' and I lost it with her.

If any of that had been in my home damaging furniture I would have been so annoyed, so annoyed to be IGNORED when I wasn't being unreasonable. So I get it.

in a normal family you’d say “Hey, we did say no dogs in the sitting room- can you keep them out next time?”.

I think this is absolutely right in a situation where you generally feel respected by other members of your family and therefore any minor lapses are no more than an annoyance.

But I suspect the issue here is that the DH generally feels that his PILs don't respect his different values about the house. There's another hint of it here. His family have very different attitudes towards shoes in the house etc.

I don't think the issue here is about the dogs at all and posters who are discussing whether he's "right" about that are missing the point.

Imagine if the OP had posted "My PILs constantly make me feel like I should be "grateful" to them because they help with childcare and helped with our deposit. They even said to my husband "she wouldn't be in that house without us." They tell him they don't feel comfortable in our house and make it clear they think my family was over fussy about things like shoes etc. Last night, even though I'd asked them not to let their dogs into our living room, I came home to find dog hairs all over the house. I know I sound like I'm over fussy, especially as they do help us a lot but does that really entitle them to act like I'm a guest in my own home?"

Suspect the OP in that case would be told to establish some firm boundaries with her PILs and to make sure her husband backed her up.

PS, if I were the husband I would politely say that he wants to clarify that he is extremely grateful for the financial contribution but he is grateful. Not obedient. Grateful. Genuinely sincerely grateful.

My parents guilty of this too. They confuse gratitude with obedience because they have helped me financially. I was for a few years put in the position of being made to feel ungrateful every time some other issue raised its head and I didn't react appropriately in their eyes. I kept having this scenario play out where I would try to defend my right to my opinion or response only to be silenced with a veil of ''tut the ingratitude''. Eventually after a few years of this, I pieced it together in my head what was going on, that they expected obedience not gratitude and that they didn't even realise they were confusing the two. They may not agree with my interpretation exactly now but they do understand that I won't always do what they want me to do because I am grateful to them. I have ringfenced the two separately. They were behind me with that but they got there in the end I think

I once went to stay with a relative that I'm very fond of. It was a big intercontinental trip and I was really looking forward to it.

When I arrived, before I even got offered a drink, I was taken on a tour of the house by his spouse and told all the rules for each room. It was horrible. All my joy disappeared and I spent the entire holiday feeling like Hyacinth Bucket's friend, terrified that I'd do something wrong. And I did. I didn't clean the shower cubicle well enough after I used it one day. And one morning I walked around the house in my dressing gown at a time considered 'too late' (probably about 9am?)

So if the partner of one of my daughters behaved like that to me (especially if I helped them out a lot), yes, I'd be resentful.

Do people genuinely not cut a bit of slack for people who are doing you lots of favours?

Yes. But I think they themselves need to understand that it is a favour extended because of your gratitude, and not their automatic due.

My parents didn't understand this. Different generation. I'm a bit more in to personal growth and I would google feelings I couldn't make sense of on line, follow several psychology and relationship experts on youtube, read books about jungian psychology, adlerian psychology. I am eternally grateful to my parents but I'm an adult and as grateful as I genuinely am, I cannot let their misunderstandings about where gratitude, obligation, obedience and respect all start and end go unchallenged.

Things are BETTER now actually. They reached a zenith of bad feeling before my ''explosion'' after which I grey rocked them until they came back to me. They were grey rocking me too but at first they thought I was being a brat. I had to wait until they understood that I was not being a brat before anything changed. It took 20 months i'd say.

Is your husband very meticulous in general? Is he into everything being neat, tidy, in its place etc? Very concerned about marks/scratches and almost obsessed about looking after positions/furniture and so on?

He sounds like a right knob op. If you 'complained' to your parents then I think they would be quite within their rights to tell you to fuck off and sort out your own child/dog care, and house deposit!

While people are making excuses for the husband in this scenario, please don’t forget that the OP said this. “But I do feel his expectations of people are becoming unreasonable, I know I can’t meet them all the time.”

I haven't read the whole thread but given what you said about your mum not letting dogs in her own living room, I think you have every right to say something.

No need to make it into a big thing, just say: Mum we would really rather the dogs weren't in the living room, the same as at your house. Could you keep them out next time please? Thanks!

I think you need to say to your DH "You're absolutely right, it is disrespectful, I will tell them so. However if I'm to say this to them, I don't think we can still expect them to do childcare and babysitting - that works out at £1000 per month , and I think we should pay back their deposit- I've checked and we can get a 10 year loan at £200 per month. Financially it will be very tough, but I don't feel comfortable with them doing so much for us and then we criticise them for small things that don't really matter."

See what he thinks then.

@Zaphodsotherhead

The parents don't allow the dogs in the living room in their own house"

sorry above should be to the quaffle

I get it OP. Similar dynamic here although the circumstances are a bit different. My husband and my parents don’t get on but are all very polite to each other and it’s just awful. Our kids love my parents, they gave us money towards the house and although they don’t do childcare they do give money towards school uniform and we would never afford holidays without them.

I have no idea how to improve things. I can feel your stress as I spend visits stressed up to my eyeballs and constantly telling my DH to please be quiet. Massive sympathy .

What are his rules?

Wow didn’t expect that many responses. My DH can be very fussy about things and he does worry far too much about possessions. He’s just one of those kids that kept his toys clean and tidy and continues to be like this. His dad is the same, they keep things in immaculate condition so they last for years. Not going to lie , it drives me mad and he knows it. The financial deal with my parents was an agreement made years ago that benefited everyone, we have a plan to repay the money. My mum wouldn’t mean to hold it against us, that’s me playing out possible responses in my mind. I think we’re going through a stressful period at the moment, just moved house, small child etc. I wouldn’t say DH was abusive but he can be very difficult at times. He can be blinkered in his opinions. Thank you for your varying responses, it’s given me plenty to think about.

OP- check the Freedom Programme. Just in case.

It says a lot that throughout your post you have talked about what your DH wants and what your parents will say, but there is nothing about what you actually think of the situation.

Time to stop pacifying everyone else and realise your own voice too.

OP, my DP is the same. He really looks after things, is super clean and tidy and keeps things for years in good condition. It's annoying for me, but he has got a bit better. I think having a child you have to really. I'm surprised he got a dog!! That must have been quite stressful at the start!! I think he's overreacted, but being the way he is, you're going to get this a lot over the years. People who are like that find it highly stressful themselves to deal with things getting broken/messed up or whatever or not having any kind of control over other people making mess in their space. It's a certain personality type. Obviously it's not OCD as that manifests in many other ways than being overly tidy and careful with everything. I call it meticulous personality disorder!!

Uggg....he sounds like an ungrateful twat. If someone is doing you a favor, is kind and welcoming to you in their home, and frequently helps you out with childcare, then you should be grateful. Small things should be overlooked and definitely don't chastise them for such silly little things. I'd be beside myself if my husband acted that way towards my parents.

Next time ask them not to bring their dog to your place.

If they ask why, tell them it went in the living room last ti.e when you asked for that not to happen. If they decide to withdraw childcare or other support, then you'll have to find alternative solutions.

You seem stuck in the middle, but you should be able to raise this with your parents.

It's not good that his other rules make them feel uncomfortable though. He needs to relax.

You find out an awful lot about a man when you say no to him. Tell him no, you won't be having a word with your parents as it isn't a big deal. See how he responds to No.

The difficulty with that is that even if OP refuses to have a word the atmosphere in the house will still be awful when her parents are there if her DH is upset. It will just simmer under the surface constantly.

“he atmosphere in the house will still be awful when her parents are there if her DH is upset. It will just simmer under the surface constantly”

Then he should get his act together and grow up.

But only he can do that, the OP can’t make him! My DH would be absolutely convinced he was in the right and would say there was no need to get his act together. Leaving me completely stuck in the middle as bloody usual.

Not my thread anyway so don’t want to derail, just trying to point out that if the OP is already in the middle then her not speaking to her parents will do nothing to change this. Hope things work out for you anyway OP.