Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband angry with my parents

110 replies

Historyrepeating1234 · 08/09/2019 07:09

Hi, so my parents babysat last night for us. We’ve been in our new house for 3 weeks. We are still in a bit of chaos and finding homes for everything. They brought their dogs round for the evening, we have one too and they all get on. We asked that the dogs not go in our living room yet & stay in the kitchen. However they did let them in, they might have also been upstairs in the house (can’t be sure of this yet). Needless to say my husband was furious when we got back. I didn’t want a scene so I shushed him as they left. He then searched the house for what else they might have done wrong. There was a mark on a chair etc. I know this is going to lead to more rows today. I understand why he’s cross, but they do a lot for us and look after our dog a lot. How would you deal with this? He wants me to tell them how upset “we” are. They also help with childcare during the week. I don’t want a massive row with everyone. I know my parents will think he’s being unreasonable with all they do and how we’ve always been welcome in their home. They’ve expressed to me before that they have never felt comfortable at ours because of all his rules etc. His family have very different attitudes towards shoes in the house etc. We have been arguing a lot lately and I just can’t face more of it. How would you deal with this? I know it might sound superficial but he’s was so angry about the whole thing. TIA

OP posts:
ChickenyChick · 08/09/2019 07:43

Argh, i would find it very stressful to live with someone like your SH, with his “rules”, and running around looking for marks.

Saying that, my MIL is outraged by no dogs on sofa rule in my house (she has 3 large smelly dogs) so then we just did not ask her to babysit,
simple.

DH does not care about dogs on sofas, so it was up to me to find an alternative Smile fair enough

prawnsword · 08/09/2019 07:44

If your folks are generally nice, non-boundary busting & gave you a house deposit then we’ll yeah, he is being a dick. You could buy many new couches with money saved ! I can see how that does seem ungracious.

If you think his general expectations of people are becoming unfair & he is out of order then talk to him about that, because this is why you feel so conflicted about this issue !

prawnsword · 08/09/2019 07:47

I am childfree but imagine most parents have better things to do than go around looking close up at household stuff for small marks to get upset about. A mark from your dad’s hair ? What colour is the couch ? Suede or leather? Dark or light ? Whatever you have it sounds like you need to get the opposite because your furniture doesn’t fit in with your lifestyle !

Do you have a joking type relationship? Because if there is good intimacy it should be no problem to laugh & say “ babe I’m not going to have a go at my folks for the dogs in lounge after they just gave us $ X thousands of dollars for this house deposit. It feels ungracious to me.

Windmillwhirl · 08/09/2019 07:52

*He sounds like he’s over reacting but you’re under reacting.

No dogs in living room is a very clear boundary, they chose to ignore it.
Is this a pattern of behaviour for them?*

I agree with this. I also think it's unfair calling him a knob. Just because your parents did a favour doesn't mean rules and respecting them don't apply.

And the "he wouldn't have the house without us" is really telling. That is probably the attitude that pisses him off. I know they didn't say it to him this time, but if it's implied then it's just as bad.

If they are going to throw that down your throat all the time you really do have a problem that needs to addressed.

It's not up to us to decide if the dogs should or shouldn't be in the living room. It was requested they didn't go in and presumably you agreed? Your parents were very dismissive of this and in my opinion, out of order.

aweedropofsancerre · 08/09/2019 07:55

Hmm from your recent update it sounds like your parents feel entitled to do as they wish in your house as they loaned you the deposit. Seems it has come with strings attached and they can bring there dogs and ignore any requests. You have only recently moved in and your DH simply asked for there dogs to be kept in the kitchen area as you still had stuff everywhere. This was ignored and you said yourself that it appears there dogs may have been upstairs. I would have lost the plot. Doing a bit of baby sitting and ‘loaning’ you a deposit doesn’t give them a right to act like the place is there’s. You said yourself that your mum would say ‘he is only in the house because of them. Boundaries have been skewed.

Savingforarainyday · 08/09/2019 07:56

Did they know their dog would be relegated to the kitchen BEFORE they came, or was it sprung on them after?

If your dog goes everywhere, then it seems your dh is just being spiteful.

As for the mark from your dad's hair, sounds like an accident.

OP, your dh sounds a bit.... unkind.
Your parents give you a deposit, help with childcare/ dog care, presumably do other things for you, and your dh wants to start micromanage them? And you guys 'went to look for other things?' After they came to babysit?
Crikey.
Ungrateful
Unkind

cptartapp · 08/09/2019 07:57

Mmmm ^ this.
I suspect you're going to be so beholden for all this financial and practical help as the years go by. Have seen it with SIL. Unhealthy dynamics. Won't make for a pleasant future as your parents age.

Windmillwhirl · 08/09/2019 08:00

Your parents give you a deposit, help with childcare/ dog care, presumably do other things for you, and your dh wants to start micromanage them?

Most people wouldn't see looking after grandchildren as some kind of chore. How often do they do it, op?

Requesting dogs stay out of a room is hardly micro-managing anyone.

talltreesswaying · 08/09/2019 08:01

The point in question is regarding your parents letting their dogs into your living room when they were asked not to do so. No need for posters to start looking to try to find dirt to throw at your DH. It's not up to posters here to decide whether dogs are allowed in your living room. Your parents disregarded your request and were out of order. It's not their home!

diddl · 08/09/2019 08:06

I think that your parents were wrong tbh.

Were they there for many hours as I'm wondering why they even needed to bring the dogs.

It does come across as they feel that they can do what they like as they help you out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/09/2019 08:07

"We asked that the dogs not go in our living room yet & stay in the kitchen. However they did let them in, they might have also been upstairs in the house (can’t be sure of this yet)".

Re your first sentence was this a joint decision?.

How do YOU feel about your parents behaviour?. Do you feel somewhat let down by them as well?. You seem to be so concerned about other people's feelings in trying to appease them all and or not further upset the apple cart that you are forgetting your own self in all this.

I would also think that if the shoe was on the other foot your parents would not be at all forgiving either.

Fatshedra · 08/09/2019 08:07

Tell him to 'have a word' - that will change his view. It's easy to give orders to someone else to be the nasty guy, not so easy to be it yourself.

Bitlost · 08/09/2019 08:09

Get a baby sitter and send your husband to a therapist. He seems to make everyone’s lives miserable, including yours. I’m sorry things are hard at the moment. Flowers

Goldenglory · 08/09/2019 08:11

They’ve expressed to me before that they have never felt comfortable at ours because of all his rules etc
They shouldn’t have let the dogs in and that would piss me off. Does he have lots of rules? Do you agree with them or do you have to follow them too.

adaline · 08/09/2019 08:11

It's not clear - was your dog allowed in the living room but there's wasn't?

AmIThough · 08/09/2019 08:11

Tell him to pay for a babysitter and get some help for his anger.

I can understand being irritated, but angry is a bit extreme.

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/09/2019 08:12

I don't think it is unreasonable to have a word with your parents however before you do you need to talk to your dh about child care and the deposit they gave you and rework your finances to pay for your own childcare and pay them back the deposit.

Or will his parents step up and take over the childcare and give your parents the lump sum back.

You can have all the rules and regulations under the sun when you pay for everything

Until then you can't afford to have all these petty rules.

Must admit I would feel very much like staff if someone I had given money to pay for there house and was baby sitting their kids for free said I had to sit in the kitchen, sofa or no sofa.

When his parents come round are they assigned to the kitchen.

Littletabbyocelot · 08/09/2019 08:13

@prawnsword you certainly don't have time for it if you don't have grandparents or other relatives on hand to do childcare at any time. My parents / in laws are all too elderly to help and it makes a huge difference.

I don't think ops parents are being unreasonably demanding. It's about the type of relationship you expect. A relationship where your parents give lots of free childcare and provide funding for deposits etc only works if it's loving, respectful and you consider them as real family. To take so much from them and then search for petty reasons to be angry (accidental product transfer) doesn't fit with the family approach. Is it really OK to treat people you love (or allow them to be treated) like this?

I think you and DH have a choice to make. Treat your parents with love & respect, appreciate their help and make them welcome or stop accepting their help (including finding a way to repay their deposit). Based only on what you've posted if he doesn't go for the first option I'd go for secret option 3 - live somewhere where your parents are welcome and your DH isn't and relax away from his rules and tantrums

GertrudeCB · 08/09/2019 08:13

OP, are they your rules as a couple or just his rules ?

category12 · 08/09/2019 08:13

I can't really get over this bit: He then searched the house for what else they might have done wrong.

He sounds a controlling angry person. And petty with it.

Span1elsRock · 08/09/2019 08:14

He sounds very hard to live with, OP. Lots of "rules" don't make life easy for anyone. Does he have rules for your DC too?

I'd be a little concerned that he's this hostile about people who have been very generous with their time and money.

Windmillwhirl · 08/09/2019 08:15

I think he's entitled to be angry. Especially if it turns out the dogs were allowed all over the house. I would be angry, too.

How do your parents treat him generally? Is there built-up resentment regarding the deposit and him feeling beholden to them?

Savingforarainyday · 08/09/2019 08:15

But surely if they didn't know the dogs weren't allowed the run of the place ( which sounds like the usual, if OPs dogs do) then it would be difficult to manage with OPs dog in the living room and parents dogs in the kitchen.

If they knew beforehand, then they could have left their dog at home. If they didn't know, then they would have had their dogs in the kitchen, possibly whining. They would have had to sit in there with the dogs.....

Sux2buthen · 08/09/2019 08:19

I'm with your husband on this one. I can feel his frustration, I imagine he feels very isolated with no support.
I'd save up to pay your parents back at least (both of you) as using their help as a reason to do what they like is grim.

AmateurSwami · 08/09/2019 08:21

Without knowing your dh this is tough, it sounds a bit like they deliberately ignored your dhs reasonable request, and neither of you can stand up to them because they’ll remove favours and bring up the fact that they paid for your house requests.
Sounds like a big power play all round. Knackering.