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Original poster

Husband angry with my parents

110 replies

Historyrepeating1234 · 08/09/2019 07:09

Hi, so my parents babysat last night for us. We’ve been in our new house for 3 weeks. We are still in a bit of chaos and finding homes for everything. They brought their dogs round for the evening, we have one too and they all get on. We asked that the dogs not go in our living room yet & stay in the kitchen. However they did let them in, they might have also been upstairs in the house (can’t be sure of this yet). Needless to say my husband was furious when we got back. I didn’t want a scene so I shushed him as they left. He then searched the house for what else they might have done wrong. There was a mark on a chair etc. I know this is going to lead to more rows today. I understand why he’s cross, but they do a lot for us and look after our dog a lot. How would you deal with this? He wants me to tell them how upset “we” are. They also help with childcare during the week. I don’t want a massive row with everyone. I know my parents will think he’s being unreasonable with all they do and how we’ve always been welcome in their home. They’ve expressed to me before that they have never felt comfortable at ours because of all his rules etc. His family have very different attitudes towards shoes in the house etc. We have been arguing a lot lately and I just can’t face more of it. How would you deal with this? I know it might sound superficial but he’s was so angry about the whole thing. TIA

OP posts:

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 08/09/2019 08:21

What rules do you and the children need to follow OP?

Does your dh search the house to see what rules you and the children have broken?

Are you happy? I’m reading between the lines here, I don’t think this is about the dogs being in the lounge is it? This is about living with an abusive bully who is trying to cause a rift between you and your family. That can’t be an easy position to be in.

www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

BertrandRussell · 08/09/2019 08:24

“But I do feel his expectations of people are becoming unreasonable, I know I can’t meet them all the time.”
This is such a red flag- what happens if you don’t meet them, OP?

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/09/2019 08:29

I get the impression that the parents are little more than unpaid facilitators to the life you and your dh want.

Restricting them to the kitchen is something you did in Victorian times with staff

They are useful for when you want something.

BertrandRussell · 08/09/2019 08:30

Have a look at this, OP. See if it rings any bells.

saraclara · 08/09/2019 08:35

He then searched the house for what else they might have done wrong.
That sends shivers down my spine.

He has generous and helpful parents in law, yet he goes looking for things he can berate them for?

I would be worried about what your kids will be growing up with, to be honest. Does he hunt out your errors? Will he be checking up on them the whole time?
No wonder your parents don't feel comfortable in your house.

cansu · 08/09/2019 08:36

he is being ridiculous. It sounds more like his rules rather than your rules. It sounds petty that he wouldn't allow your parents to bring their dogs into the lounge when your dog is allowed in there especially as they are there babysitting for you both!

The fact that he is inspecting the place for damage is even worse.

He benefits hugely from your parents help with childcare, deposit etc but he is expecting you to tell them off for bringing their dogs in the living room. You need to woman up and tell him that you disagree with him and that you will not be saying anything to your parents about this. Remind him that he is more than happy to accept free child care from them.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 08/09/2019 08:46

and yet another poster who finds themselves stuck with rules and boundary issues after taking money and childcare from parents and wondering why life become more entangled than it should....how many threads has there been like this over the years?
If you cannot be totally independant then this is what you get...
and your husband has issues too OP that need addressing quickly
My advice is pay your parents back straight away and find paid childcare that way you have control there.Your husband needs to be told also he cant call the tune and make the rules if he is not paying the piper,,he can;t have it all ways by taking their money when it suits him and taking their time when it suits him then moaning they will not bow to his ideology...it doesnt work like that. Tell your husband no you will not be put in that position to have a word with your parents and to get a grip and then stop asking for help from your parents too.

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2019 08:47

How would their dogs have reacted to being in the kitchen when yours was allowed to roam free? Or were your parents supposed to stay in there too?

I think you've got a bit of a problem here.

Is he like this with the DC?

Evenkeel · 08/09/2019 08:49

From the OP :

my mum had a lot of work done in her house and won’t let her dogs unsupervised in her living room anymore. We have a kitchen with sofas in like she does so it’s not uncomfortable.

So it's OK for your mother to have this rule in her own house - keeping her own dogs in the kitchen - but they feel it's OK to ignore it if your DH asks them to do the same in your new house? Because they helped you with the deposit?

HPFA · 08/09/2019 08:57

I know she will say “he wouldn’t be in that house without us”.

I know my parents will think he’s being unreasonable with all they do and how we’ve always been welcome in their home

If these are the attitudes that have been conveyed to your DH then I can see why he's getting annoyed to be honest. It does come over that your parents expect to be able to treat your home as if it were theirs. If that's what your DH believes he will overreact to any "evidence" that seems to confirm that view. It's not a question of whether he is "right" about the dogs' behaviour, it's the message it's giving to him.

If you can and he's willing perhaps try and get him to open up more generally about how he feels about the way your parents treat your home. If you can give him the sense that you understand and respect his right to be annoyed you might (hopefully) find him more willing to compromise.

saraclara · 08/09/2019 08:57

OP has said nothing at all to imply that her parents attached strings to their financial help, let alone that they're acting in an entitled manner because of it.

It sounds as though neither OP or her husband even asked if there was a problem with the dogs that led to them needing to end up in the living room.
Did you catch the dogs in the room when you returned, OP? or did your husband find dog hair or something and assume?

DeepDarkWoods · 08/09/2019 09:01

He thinks they are good enough for their money but not to let their dogs in your living room.

Windmillwhirl · 08/09/2019 09:01

*If these are the attitudes that have been conveyed to your DH then I can see why he's getting annoyed to be honest. It does come over that your parents expect to be able to treat your home as if it were theirs. If that's what your DH believes he will overreact to any "evidence" that seems to confirm that view. It's not a question of whether he is "right" about the dogs' behaviour, it's the message it's giving to him.

Absolutely spot on.

(I'd then work together with your husband to pay them back the deposit.)

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/09/2019 09:02

So if one of your parents wanted to go to the loo and one of the dogs tried to follow them - would your 'D'H rather that the dog scratched at the door and maybe (gasp) marked the paintwork, or was allowed to follow?

It's a strange house that the dogs have never been in before. Unless you told your DPs that they had to stay in the kitchen the entire time, I'd guess that having the dogs (provided they werent left unattended and don't have a tendency to wee everywhere) follow them about was the lesser of two evils.

And your DH needs help, He seems unnecessarily obsessed with household objects. Does he insist that anything moved is returned to EXACTLY its 'right place'? Because I am getting vibes off this...

katewhinesalot · 08/09/2019 09:04

I'd be annoyed too if my boundaries weren't respected - However I agree, we need to know if those boundaries are reasonable in the first place?

Lowlandlucky · 08/09/2019 09:05

Your DH is an utter control freak, tell him you are not a child and have a mind and views of your own

HPFA · 08/09/2019 09:08

OP has said nothing at all to imply that her parents attached strings to their financial help, let alone that they're acting in an entitled manner because of it.

She actually did. I know she will say “he wouldn’t be in that house without us”. If the OP "knows" this then her DH will know it too and it clearly conveys the message that the parents expect special consideration because of the financial help.

People might well think they're entitled to expect this but that's not really the issue.

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/09/2019 09:42

He thinks they are good enough for their money but not to let their dogs in your living room

Or more likely he thinks they are good enough when they give time and money but not good enough to sit in his living room

AiryFairyMum · 08/09/2019 10:14

He is being completely unreasonable, but you know that already. He's also trying to drive a wedge between you and your family - big red flags. I'd say you'd have to stand your ground with him, draw your own boundaries. If it doesn't work then the relationship is over. If you put up with this it will only get worse.

BertrandRussell · 08/09/2019 10:19

And while it might be reasonable for him to be a bit pissed off, in a normal family you’d say “Hey, we did say no dogs in the sitting room- can you keep them out next time?”. You wouldn’t be angrily searching the house for evidence of further wrong doing.

Windmillwhirl · 08/09/2019 10:37

Perhaps he is very aware of the "he wouldn't have this house without us" attitude so has been inclined to bite his tongue and this has been the final straw. Who knows?

I don't see him looking for evidence the dogs were all over the house a problem, and certainly not if it's an issue he wants raised. His home, he's allowed to look. He clearly suspected they had been and looked to see if they had. Given he was annoyed and angry, I'm not surprised he looked.

This appears to be more than just a silly misunderstanding, In which case a "hey, I thought I said no dogs in the living room, so next time font let them in" quip would likely be suffice.

There appears to be resentment on both sides here. I do think he should be the one to mention it to his in-laws, but given what they are likely to throw back at him, he's passing the buck.

My brother no longer speaks to my mother over her throwing back at him consistently in arguments how she took him and his kids in and helped them when they needed support. It's a sad situation, but most people don't like having help/support thrown back at them.

prawnsword · 08/09/2019 10:46

I read it that the OP knows her mother would never say but may be thinking privately “he wouldn’t even have this house but for us”. Like it’s an unspoken thought which they privately both share

I feel like the OP secretly sides with her parents & feels awkward about being in the middle

OP did your parents say anything when you got home & found dogs in living room? Like did they try to explain or ignore the fact the boundary was broken ? Am trying to visualise how it was your husband had a strop loud enough to shush, but your folks did not seemingly say a word to explain the reasons why dogs were let in the lounge? If you walked in & they went “sorry they were whining loudly & scratching in the kitchen to get in, we thought it best to watch them all in here just for tonight” etc

TheQuaffle · 08/09/2019 10:48

Your DH is BU here. I wouldn’t begrudge my parents who do so much for me the chance to treat my home as their own. Especially not when I only have that home because of their financial help.

BertrandRussell · 08/09/2019 10:50

I have to say that if I did all that for someone, I might be a bit peeved if I was expected to abide by a set of petty rules......

Cath2907 · 08/09/2019 10:52

So he expected your parents to sit in the kitchen with the dogs? My dog has free run of our house. He woods (on repeat) if he gets shut out of the room I’m in. I don’t take him to non dog friendly places and I only leave him up to 4hrs alone. This rather cramps my style but I’m ok with that.

I’d be horrified to turn up at a relatives house who are known to be dog friendly to be asked to leave my dog locked in the kitchen all evening. I’d either have to listen to him woof and whine or sit in there with him.

Your DH sounds very unreasonable on this one. Do you think your parents dogs should have been put in the kitchen?

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