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Original poster

Continuing a relationship with a sociopath is a bad idea, isn't it?

130 replies

Housec0at · 07/09/2019 23:08

I'm in a relationship with a sociopath, I'm not being an armchair psych as he has an official diagnosis of ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) although he disputes the diagnosis, but he would wouldn't he.

Its early-ish days and so far he has been fine. I've seen no aggression or indications of violent tendencies, he comes across as calm and collected, he's very giving, patient and respectful but I realise this is likely to change later on down the line and for that reason alone I've started to pull back.

Diagnosis aside I really like him but since finding out about the ASPD and educating myself I don't think I can stay in the relationship out of fear for the future.

Part of me feels like a shitty person for considering abandoning somebody because of something out of their control especially when he's given me no cause for concern prior.

My logical head says there's no way I can have a healthy relationship with somebody with that condition and A quick MN search reveals threads upon threads of horrible experiences at the hands of people who were only suspected of having the disorder.

Can people with ASPD have healthy relationships or is he destined to be abusive?

OP posts:
Karkasaurus · 07/09/2019 23:12

I suppose it depends how serious you want the relationship to be. If you want a boyfriend, maybe. If you want a husband and potential father, it's not ideal.

I will say that I know some people with serious mental health issues who are absolutely wonderful partners.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 07/09/2019 23:14

Why would you? It’s early days, his like his is why so it to yourself?

Original poster
Housec0at · 07/09/2019 23:15

At this stage I'm not looking for anything serious and I don't want more children. We've been dating a matter of months and it has been fairly casual but I do have children, which is a contributing factor to my concerns.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 07/09/2019 23:17

If you read about sociopaths, they are capable of presenting an image of being whatever it is you need them to be until you’re “hooked”. Then they revert to form. I’d run for the hills.

womaninthedark · 07/09/2019 23:17

Run.
When the eyes glaze, it's too late to get away.
It's in your own interests not to get involved with people who can't engage with your humanity.

Original poster
Housec0at · 07/09/2019 23:17

I feel terrible because I'm painting him as a monster when he has been nothing but lovely, but I know there is a stigma surrounding ASPD and with good reason the majority of the time Sad

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 07/09/2019 23:17

What event precipitated him being assessed for and diagnosed with ASPD?

Was he doing time for something rather ghastly?

This sort of diagnosis doesn't usually come from a boring old visit to the GP for depression.

This really isn't a goer and I'd call time, OP.

Andallofasuddenitsover · 07/09/2019 23:17

He will struggle with empathy and compassion and he will struggle to put your needs first. Can you live with that?

pinkdelight · 07/09/2019 23:33

There was a thread on here earlier this week from someone with a personality disorder appealing for better understanding and not to assume they're incapable of functional relationships. Can't find it to link to right now but it's worth a hunt and a read OP. Could all be different to your partner, but just to have a bit more balance than the overwhelming bad press. Obviously your partner's history is key - as a pp says, what led to the diagnosis?

Original poster
Housec0at · 07/09/2019 23:34

He hasn't done time for anything ghastly and he doesn't have a record if what he tells me is true.

He was diagnosed by a psychologist when receiving psychotherapy, he told me about having emotional issues "in the past" and said BPD was suspected but then he finally diagnosed with ASPD. We had started to do introductions with friends and some members of his family so I think he told me only because he thought somebody else might.

He doesn't think the diagnosis is right and opposes it, but I know professionals don't fling such labels around willy nilly and it would obviously suit him to not have that label.

I have a good friend with BPD and she is a great person although can be quite erratic. He is the opposite, very calm.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 07/09/2019 23:35

How did he get to be diagnosed?

Orangepearl · 07/09/2019 23:36

Yes it’s a bad idea. End of story hopefully.

Savingforarainyday · 07/09/2019 23:39

Well, he's probably very calm because he has no feelings behind it.
Sociopaths measure everything for their personal gain. When they say they love you, what they really love is that you love them...

Original poster
Housec0at · 07/09/2019 23:42

I haven't seen him since we had that conversation and I haven't pressed him over the phone, wanting to save any questions I have until we see one another again which will be Tuesday. I took it OK when he told me and tried not to come across as put off.

I've been reading alot and have scared myself a bit now though.

He comes across well. He has positive relationships, does alot for his elderly parents, works hard and can be selfless, for example taking sandwiches to the homeless and donating to charity to name two things he's done since we've met.

He doesn't fit the bill of what I'm reading about, so I reassure myself momentarily then read that sufferers are manipulative and scheming and wear masks and so forth.

I feel very conflicted

OP posts:
Original poster
Housec0at · 07/09/2019 23:44

Diagnosed from having psychotherapy for "past emotional issues" is what he told me, 35Ohyesiam.

Before quickly claiming that he doesn't agree with the diagnosis.

OP posts:
Karkasaurus · 07/09/2019 23:51

Give him a chance. You can always break up with him later.

bluebell34567 · 07/09/2019 23:57

it sounds like calm before the storm.

bluebell34567 · 07/09/2019 23:57

i wouldnt go there.

kristallen · 08/09/2019 00:04

What's the point? There are plenty of people out there you don't need to be afraid of. And this isn't a mental illness either. It's a personality disorder. And it won't change.

Misty9 · 08/09/2019 00:12

Hmm. Men can be misdiagnosed with ASPD when it is actually more like borderline due to society's gender stereotypes. I would listen to your gut and look at what his behaviour is telling you. I'd also be surprised if a psych could diagnose that without a psychiatrist's input? Does he have a forensic history that you know of?

Misty9 · 08/09/2019 00:14

Personality disorder is also a fairly controversial area for lots of people and there's a lot to suggest it can be better understood as a reaction to complex trauma. Has he had lots of trauma?

Original poster
Housec0at · 08/09/2019 00:16

He tells me that he doesn't have a criminal record and hasn't been to prison so unless he's lying (I don't think he is) then there's no forensic history.

It wouldn't make sense for him to hide a criminal past but be open about a diagnosis of ASPD, I wouldn't have thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
Housec0at · 08/09/2019 00:17

He has Misty yes, there is abuse in his past

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 08/09/2019 00:19

I can't possibly imagine what could go wrong!!!!
Why are you over thinking and going to look for trouble.
I'd run for the hills. My first husband had this unknown to me when we got married and my son and I had a bloody awfultimate life with him eventually ending in us being in a refuge.
He changed overnight after our wedding and it was hell.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 08/09/2019 00:27

I absolutely would not even consider a relationship with someone who has this diagnosis. Sociopaths by nature are extremely superficially charming and present themselves as 'do gooders' to create the facade that they are respected members of the community. As PP have said, this is not a mental illness.

What would concern me the most is the fact that he must meet the diagnostic criteria for this which is pretty concerning in itself:

A. There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
reckless disregard for safety of self or others
consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another. B. The individual is at least age 18 years. C. There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years. D. The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.

I believe my exH is a sociopath (undiagnosed but extremely violent and currently in prison among other things) and he was extremely charming in the beginning. That man nearly destroyed me and I dread the day he comes out of prison. We have DC so can never feel safe again. No relationship is worth that gamble IMO