Continuing a relationship with a sociopath is a bad idea, isn't it?

[Housec0at]

I'm in a relationship with a sociopath, I'm not being an armchair psych as he has an official diagnosis of ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) although he disputes the diagnosis, but he would wouldn't he.

Its early-ish days and so far he has been fine. I've seen no aggression or indications of violent tendencies, he comes across as calm and collected, he's very giving, patient and respectful but I realise this is likely to change later on down the line and for that reason alone I've started to pull back.

Diagnosis aside I really like him but since finding out about the ASPD and educating myself I don't think I can stay in the relationship out of fear for the future.

Part of me feels like a shitty person for considering abandoning somebody because of something out of their control especially when he's given me no cause for concern prior.

My logical head says there's no way I can have a healthy relationship with somebody with that condition and A quick MN search reveals threads upon threads of horrible experiences at the hands of people who were only suspected of having the disorder.

Can people with ASPD have healthy relationships or is he destined to be abusive?

yes, the lack of empathy is a give away. But clever people can fake it - at least for a time at the beginning of a relationship (when they're the kindest, most understanding people - because they're trying to convince you that they're your soulmate).

Based on the fact he was diagnosed by a professional I'm inclined to believe the diagnosis is correct, but he does dispute it.

I've been reading alot and it's entirely possible this good impression he's making is a mask. I know only time will tell but I won't stick around and see.

I've been reflecting over our time together and the only red flag I can attribute to a personality disorder is the fact he can come across as grandiose, although not in a malicious way.

He's polite to waiting staff, looks to be a good friend etc. Its all very strange. If he is masking then he's very good at it.

Is he affluent OP? It is said that depending on the opportunities they had in early life these people tend to end in jail or working in Wall Street.

They seem to progress easily as they have no regard for people. People are only pawns to play for their own advancement.

Look at his friendships. If they are good strong ones with intelligent people capable of weighing up others he's unlikely to be sociopathic OP. I'm not telling you to stay with him but he doesn't sound like he fits the model. My ex had no friends and even his brothers and sisters didn't like him. His Dad was the loveliest of people but elderly. My ex used to regularly tell his employers that his father was sick and that he was travelling home to see him when it was not true. He just wanted to skive off. I said to him that one day his Dad would get sick and he would feel guilty for using that excuse but I knew he would not. Sometimes looking into his eyes was like looking into the eyes of a dead shark.

I would say he is Tan yes. He did very well in school and university and has a well paid job. He's very confident and charismatic.

The friends I've met seem to be intelligent decent people, I've met three from his social circle. He has a close relationship with his parents and other family members although there is one sibling he is no contact with, because he claims they don't like him and don't get on (no explanation as to why though)

They will be intelligent and decent, sociopaths don’t suffer fools gladly. But it is the depth of the relationships that matters.

The one I know is a social butterfly, the soul of the party, full of amazing stories, affectionate and successful. BUT these behaviours are copied from other people, he is just mimicking what other people consider acceptable. What I noticed after years and years of having him at close range is that he is good at making friends and entertaining people but these early friendships become “acquaintances” very soon, they stay in touch for years and like each other’s company but there is no deep connection, no real friendship, unles the sociopath is still trying to charm them into their net.

Honestly OP, make a lame excuse and stop seeing him. If you are lucky, he will tell everyone you were crazy and leave you alone.

If you aren’t, your wanting to leave will turn you into the Fox he is trying to hunt, just for the spirit of competition but he will drop you like a hot potato the moment he finds someone who looks like a better trophy or who is happy to keep massaging his ego despite the path of destruction he is living behind him.

This is no love, they can’t feel that. You can’t change them.

Leaving not living

I know professionals don't fling such labels around willy nilly

Actually, when it comes to people with a history of trauma, far far too many professionals do precisely this. And then when challenged they do what you've done and suggested that the fact the person contests the diagnosis "proves" it is correct! (Which does not form part of the so-called diagnostic criteria, it's an abuse of power.)

Just like when they tested witches - if you drowned you were innocent, if you survived you must be a witch and were therefore executed. No way to clear yourself of the toxic label and keep your life.

The psychiatric profession in countries more civilised than ours holds no truck with the toxic notion of "personality disorders". It's to our shame any of us still buy into it. It is unethical, pseudoscience.

If you are unaware of all this then you have not done enough reading or the right reading. Have you read anything about Complex PTSD?

I find it incredibly sad that yet another person who has experienced trauma sought help (as we are all encouraged to do) and instead was given a toxic, damaging label.

That said, if you're uncomfortable with a relationship then of course you can end it.

This is not something I would want to get involved with, true or not. He clearly has issues and it's just not worth the stress.

Look at his friendships. If they are good strong ones with intelligent people capable of weighing up others he's unlikely to be sociopathic OP.

I totally disagree with that, he will keep good strong “friendships” for as long as they serve his purposes. They can be remarkably charming.

I think it would be risky to carry on and see how it goes as it would be difficult to leave a man like this.

Either he has it.

He did something(s) so bad professionals think he has it.

Or he makes up those kind of lies in the early stages of a relationship

This man is not worth the risk.

And the fact you had to ask is really scary. You seem self aware and clever in your posts. Ask yourself what you would tell your sister or your DD in this situation.

Run.

Just noticed you have children OP, get the hell out of there. They are the perfect tool to have you under control, you will end up doing whatever to stop him hurting them financially or emotionally.

Be careful as to how you split up people on the ASPD spectrum do not let go of their prey easily.

In your shoes i would just keep it simple,

'this relationship is not working for me, i am not ready to be in a relationship at the moment.'

Do not get drawn into a discussion.

And be aware that he may become true to form, so make sire that you and your dc are safe.

OP, I can totally see why you're conflicted. But this diagnosis can't have been made for nothing. The fact that he disagrees with it is worrying, as it's not like he thought 'I'm concerned there's something wrong with me, I'll go for therapy and get it checked out'. So there must have been some event that led up to this.

If he hasn't seen a Psychiatrist, it's highly unlikely that he has a proper diagnosis of ASPD.

He claims to have had emotional issues. I would be concerned that this included partner abuse and that he has told you this to test whether you stay with him ... and therefore are a good prospect for abuse or abuse of your children.
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I would strongly advise that you do both Claire's Law and Sarah's Law applications on him.
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Though, as you have children, you have a responsibility to leave this man and put their safety first.

How do I go about Sarah's and Claire's law disclosures? To be honest I've spooked myself that much I'm now considering him a risk without having seen any worrying behaviours first hand.

We have plans to go to dinner on Tuesday but I won't be going, I just have to end things as peacefully as I can

I haven't gone into this blind for what it's worth, there was no indication anything was wrong with him until he told me.

Even upon reflection there were no signs, he can appear quite cocky but not spiteful and that in itself wasn't enough for me to be frightened of him.

I've been reading alot and it's entirely possible this good impression he's making is a mask

I think you are mis-interpreting a sociopath's behaviour.

It isn't a mask. It is how they do things.

The moment you put a foot wrong, he won't explode, revealing the real him all along, he will very quietly and patiently plot your downfall.

Him telling you was testing you, if you decide to end it without careful consideration of all angles, he will get you back in the end.

You need to be terribly ill, and then be terribly dull and ensure that he loses interest. If he thinks that you have one up on him, that is what he will see.

Not you ending it, but you getting one up on him by ending it first.

He began introducing you to people so he could collect the flying monkeys - have a google of that term.

Also mine swore blind he was a clean as the driven snow. But I did a Clare's law. Not only had he been done for stalking and criminal damage but he was arrested (but not charged unfortunately) with downloading Cat A images of children. His dad has also just got out of jail for smuggling £10m of cocaine. Don't let him suck you in. They are charmers. Mine has raped me several times too.

What are you like as a person? Because he will be mirroring you - he will be picking up what makes you tick, and making sure he plays into your image of a perfect partner.

He has disclosed this because when you are deeper in, and are trying to get out, he will tell you that you have no grounds to be unhappy with his behaviour because 'I TOLD YOU I WAS A PSYCHOPATH!!!'

He gets on with this family because that way they keep quiet about what he is like, and they welcome you with open arms and go along with whatever lies he is telling you. He may even have another partner you don't know about, and they won't tell you that either. Unless she drops off the scene, when you will be told you are 'so much better for him than his last girlfriend'

He may or may not be lying about the official diagnosis. He may or may not be lying about the abuse. That's the thing with sociopaths - they lie like breathing.

Unlike people with NPD, they are capable of crying and apologising in a seemingly-sincere way. That's because they know what they are and consider everyone else as lesser beings - others are pure prey for them. They use them for money, sex, a home, status, or just for fun. Yes, a sociopath with ruin your life purely for their own entertainment.

To get the diagnosis, he would have had to do some serious shit - a PP has posted the criteria. Mental health professionals are well aware of the effect a diagnosis like this would have on someone's life - they don't hand them out like confetti. If it's true. And if it isn't true, why be in a relationship with a liar.

Please get out. If what he says is true, you haven't met him yet. You've been having a relationship with the Prince. Once you love him, he will turn into a monster - and that is the real him.

I'm so sorry you've been through such a horrible time as a result of that man sadvillagegirl.

You have all reinforced my gut feeling and I absolutely will not give this the chance to progress to anything more.

I don't know what to say to end things in a way that results in minimal fallout though. If he's going to become nasty he will do so however I end things I think.