Continuing a relationship with a sociopath is a bad idea, isn't it?

[Housec0at]

I'm in a relationship with a sociopath, I'm not being an armchair psych as he has an official diagnosis of ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) although he disputes the diagnosis, but he would wouldn't he.

Its early-ish days and so far he has been fine. I've seen no aggression or indications of violent tendencies, he comes across as calm and collected, he's very giving, patient and respectful but I realise this is likely to change later on down the line and for that reason alone I've started to pull back.

Diagnosis aside I really like him but since finding out about the ASPD and educating myself I don't think I can stay in the relationship out of fear for the future.

Part of me feels like a shitty person for considering abandoning somebody because of something out of their control especially when he's given me no cause for concern prior.

My logical head says there's no way I can have a healthy relationship with somebody with that condition and A quick MN search reveals threads upon threads of horrible experiences at the hands of people who were only suspected of having the disorder.

Can people with ASPD have healthy relationships or is he destined to be abusive?

I registered to tell you this:

I dated a man with ASPD. He was well regarded by friends. He would lie to my face without a flicker of guilt and tell really extravagant fibs to cover his deceptions, weaving complex webs I could never totally unpick.

He had 2 secret children he didn't support. Or maybe he didn't have them. He told me he had them but I never saw a photo or any evidence, so he could have invented them so he would seem more human. I will never know.

Cheated on me constantly and when confronted with the evidence (texts), faked an episode of PTSD to distract me.

Strongly hinted he was abused at boarding school, but only ever mentioned it when I was confronting him with something he had done. Also claimed to have witnessed a friend commit suicide, but I have no evidence this ever happened.

He used to pretend to cry. One day I pulled his hand away and noticed he had no tears. I told him he was faking it and he smirked and said "I know", then went back to watching TV.

Was obsessed with porn and gradually manipulated me into more extreme sexual acts because nothing else stimulated him. When I left him he had suggested I have set with a dog and tried to convince me to become a prostitute and bring men home to the house so he could watch.

He brought ex girlfriends to the house and slept with them then denied they were ever there, despite me seeing them with my own eyes.

Personality disorders are not like being diagnosed with anxiety. They are not mental health conditions in the same way a mood disorder is a mental health condition.

They are deep rooted problems with a person's entirely personality and essentially their soul. People with BPD can recover if they honestly engage with DBT but no therapy exists that can rehabilitate ASPD. All therapies that have been tried have just produced more skilled sociopaths, teaching them how to fake empathy and impersonate the emotions of normal people.

It is not a sexy, intriguing disorder. People with ASPD can't love, can barely feel. To say so is not "stigma"; these qualities must be present for the diagnosis.

You cannot fix this man. No one can fix this man. If you are too lovestruck to think straight, think of your kids. Playing with fire sounds exciting until you burn yourself.

In the landscape of mental health services, it would be highly irregular for a clinical psychologist to diagnose anyone with a personality disorder. It would take more than psychotherapy, which is usually an intervention performed by counselors and psychological wellbeing practitioners. Psychiatrists with expertise in personality disorders are usually tasked with this job, and it involves complex assessment to exclude alternative diagnosis. It is often associated with involvement with probation/ courts because it can be used for legal argument and risk assessment. It is not unusual for psychologists and psychiatrists to be mistaken as the same professionals. You should consider Claire's Law inquiries if you remain in touch with this man. If he does have the diagnosis he claims, he is not likely to be honest with you and may have a past you need to know about. He may be attention seeking, and has plucked this term from somewhere. Approach with caution.

My ex does charity work - he’s still a selfish abusive person - the 2 are not mutually exclusive.

Listen to walkdontrun. What she says is 100% true. It's all fine now because he's showing you a false self. That's not who he is. You can do Clare's Law if you are concerned about his criminal past re any domestic abuse. I'm struggling to leave someone with NPD (narcissistic) but that's a whole other story. Also don't let him meet your children. He will get jealous of the relationship/time you spend with them.

I read the full OP out of respect but had really made up my mind from the thread title (presuming it wasn’t overly dramatic or misleading). Question- is it a bad idea to continue to have a relationship with a sociopath. Answer - errr yes, why the fuck do you need to ask?

And how do you know this and why does he disclose this? That’s crazy in itself and sounds like setting the scene and lowering expectations in advance. Suppose some people might give him credit for honesty but see my point above. Seems devious. Of course he could be moralistic sociopath such as Dexter who only kills the bad guys. I do genuinely feel empathy for people with personality disorders (unlike many of them theme-selves) but that doesn’t mean I’d sacrifice myself. Like I said I’d be even more worried about someone who declares it.

I’d be worried about the diagnosis. Taken from a the official NHS website and not some quack:

A diagnosis can only be made if the person is aged 18 years or older and at least 3 of the following criteria apply:

repeatedly breaking the law
repeatedly being deceitful
being impulsive or incapable of planning ahead
being irritable and aggressive
having a reckless disregard for their safety or the safety of others
being consistently irresponsible
lack of remorse.

If you have to fulfill 3 of the above to acquire a formal diagnosis where’s the upside?

Regardless of right or wrong here, you should break up for both your sakes. You already have beliefs about him which are probably true. Just be careful how and when you leave, if he is who you say he is you may need support to leave

Block and Run

Read up about the Watts family case & maybe Laci Peterson’s one too

I’d run.
I had my life destroyed by a sociopath so never again.

Can I echo the above. I also had my life destroyed by a sociopath, although he described himself to me as a ‘psychopath’

you don't live together so it's much easier to leave him if you want to.

This sounds very similar to someone I dated. Started off being kind, considerate, very attentive etc.

Few months into the relationship got more and more manipulative, turned all arguments in me eg it was all my fault, as pp said, wanted me to do more and more extreme sex acts and got moody is I didn't want to (was also addicted to extreme porn), abuse etc from his childhood, persistently cheated on his exes (he confessed to this), I'm sure in hindsight he cheated on me. Seemed to derive pleasure from making people uncomfortable or cause pain to people. Would give me the silent treatment if I annoyed him.

I could go on. Once you are in it is hard to get out as they turn things around to make you feel like it's your fault. I know it's hard and I wish I had run for the hills earlier as the whole thing really fucked me up and we were only together six months!!!

Good luck.

run! all sociopaths are narcissists.

Do a clare's law check. Keep him away from your children. Run before you get any closer. Why would you take such a risk with your mental wellbeing and your children? You have children, you can't risk this - for their sake if not yours. The abuse will escalate - you're like a frog boiled in water - although you may not be aware of it. Your friends will and your children will (and what message would they get about relationships anyway) and the ending when it comes will be horrendous.

Read the other posts on this thread and don't risk it - for your children's sake if not yours.

Why has he told you and why do you believe him? I would be suspicious he's setting the scene for any and everything he's going to blame on his personality disorder.

I also can't see any reason for a 'sociopath' to admit to it, if he is he won't care if you know or not

Thank you you're all right and have echoed my initial thoughts especially my children. I will be breaking it off before I get any more involved. He hasn't met my family yet.

My only reservations stemmed from a feeling of guilt that I was pre judging him on the basis of a diagnosis alone, without him having done or said anything to cause me concern.

I won't be continuing the relationship.

Why do you even need to ask OP? Most people don't know their partners are sociopaths, because who would knowingly get involved with one?

Echo what a PP says, the abuse will ramp up gradually. He'll start suggesting gently what you should wear, he'll message you all day, he'll start to stop you seeing your friends, he'll gradually get more degrading with sex. He'll blame you for cheating (even though it's him that'll cheat). He'll punish you with silent treatments. He'll blow from hot (so hot) to cold so that you won't know where you are.

The cycle of abuse will end in violence - it always does. And once he's been a little bit violent he'll ramp it up. It's like, they push you to see how far they can get. How bad they can treat you, and because you are addicted, or in love, you let them. It's shit. And it's damaging for you, but so damaging for your children. Who see this treatment being normalised. Who see their mother being destroyed. And friends will warn you. Because they can see it too.

So yes, why risk it? Most people unknowingly become embroiled with a psychopath - after that, I would never take a risk again on a relationship.

Good luck!

I don't know why he told me, I suspect it's because he had began introducing me to people and thought somebody else might tell me. He made a point of disputing the diagnosis and saying he doesn't think he has it.

I can see no reason for him to fabricate it, other than the potential to be setting me up for a low bar of expectations that he can blame away on a personality disorder.

Its interesting to know that such diagnosis usually come after criminal proceedings because he swears blind he doesn't have a criminal background, only an abusive one.

Cross posts! Well done! You don't owe him any benefit of the doubt. you just owe yourself and your children safety.

my ex didn't either - I suspect his childhood was very abusive. Read the difference between Psychopaths and Sociopaths - one is likely to be criminal the other isn't (sorry can't remember which one). Not all arise from abusive childhoods. Some are just innately like that.

Have learned the very hard way. Good luck.

Just get the hell out of there, pronto.

They tend to be very charismatic and adorable if trying to get your trust, but they have no heart or moral compass. Get out before you get hurt (or he hurts you).

He told you so you are not shocked when someone tells you about it. It gave him the control about that scenario.

I was in a relationship with a sociopath and he didn't do any of the things you are describing. He had no respect for his parents, no empathy or anyone or any animal. He had no concept of why I was upset when he had upset me and could be really quite rude to people and couldn't really see why they were upset.

Are you sure the dignosis is correct?
Your description of him doesn't fit. With my ex, he was only kind when he was after something. As soon as he got from people whatever it was he wanted, wages, the loan of an item, a lift or whatever. He would be obnoxious again until the next time.

for anyone