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Original poster

Continuing a relationship with a sociopath is a bad idea, isn't it?

130 replies

Housec0at · 07/09/2019 23:08

I'm in a relationship with a sociopath, I'm not being an armchair psych as he has an official diagnosis of ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) although he disputes the diagnosis, but he would wouldn't he.

Its early-ish days and so far he has been fine. I've seen no aggression or indications of violent tendencies, he comes across as calm and collected, he's very giving, patient and respectful but I realise this is likely to change later on down the line and for that reason alone I've started to pull back.

Diagnosis aside I really like him but since finding out about the ASPD and educating myself I don't think I can stay in the relationship out of fear for the future.

Part of me feels like a shitty person for considering abandoning somebody because of something out of their control especially when he's given me no cause for concern prior.

My logical head says there's no way I can have a healthy relationship with somebody with that condition and A quick MN search reveals threads upon threads of horrible experiences at the hands of people who were only suspected of having the disorder.

Can people with ASPD have healthy relationships or is he destined to be abusive?

OP posts:
SadVillageGirl · 08/09/2019 10:31

Every single person in this thread is true. I've just lost the 5 most important people in my world (3 children 2 grandchildren) because of him. I'm still trying to leave but he won't let me go. He has threatened to destroy me but there's only so much the police can do. The police said until he actually does something they can't help. I swear to god I will end up killing myself if he doesn't get to me first.

OP please take this seriously. He will charm you. But it's false.

ChristmasFluff · 08/09/2019 10:31

I disagree with a PP who said he won't let you go though. Yes, part of his telling you was to test you - but if you end it, you have shown you have boundaries. He doesn't want a boundaried person. He wants someone who will always put themselves first - that's why he's told you early on - to not waste time.

Once you have fallen for him though - if you stay with him, if he finds you cater to his needs rather than your own - oh, THEN he won't let you go easily.

ChristmasFluff · 08/09/2019 10:32

Oooops, mistyped - he wants someone who will always put HIM first

TheAlternativeTentacle · 08/09/2019 10:32

How long have you been in this relationship?

TheAlternativeTentacle · 08/09/2019 10:34

And I repeat, he is not likely to get nasty, it depends on how he sees it. If he sees it as you ending it then he will stay calm and just get you back another way.

If he sees it as him making that decision then making that decision effectively is him getting you back.

AnnaNimmity · 08/09/2019 10:35

He'll only let you go if you do show him boundaries I agree. But h'e'll test them over and over again. Mine tried fairly recently to get back with his ex-wife. He treated her appallingly. They think you belong to them once you're in there.

The only way they let you go is if you expose them. if you show them that you know what they are. They are terrified of being exposed. mind you, that makes them very angry, and really narcissistic rage is not a pleasant thing to deal with.

I read that the only way of ending the cycle with one of these people, is if you end it yourself. They won't ever end it.

And agree with PP's he's testing you by telling you. And really? There shouldn't be a fallout from ending a healthy relationship - a man in that case would respect your wishes and walk away with kindness. A sociopath won't.

Original poster
Housec0at · 08/09/2019 10:35

Christmas, I'm quite empathic. I'd like to think I'm a reasonably nice person at least that's what I'm told. I'm quite sensitive, too.

His family have been very welcoming to me yes, his parents bought me flowers the first time I met them and were very kind.

I realise they're unlikely to pre warn me about his true colours and just want him to be happy. There is probably some blind hope in there if they have seen another side to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Housec0at · 08/09/2019 10:38

It's a new relationship, less than six months. Its very early days and much the "honeymoon period"

Sadvillagegirl and Anna I really am truly sorry you've suffered at the hands of people like that.

OP posts:
TheAlternativeTentacle · 08/09/2019 10:40

It really isn't fair to bring someone with mental health issues, of whatever format, that are likely to impact them, into your kids' lives.

Original poster
Housec0at · 08/09/2019 10:42

Before posting I had already began to distance myself by being less available on the phone and not responding to messages as much, but I feel like a slow fade out won't work with him unless he gets very bored very quickly.

I've done alot of reading and there was definitely a lot of what I now know as love bombing, he put me on a pedestal and was gushing to friends about how happy he is. He appeared to be very invested in me and a relationship with me.

If he is what he says he is then he won't take kindly to being made to look stupid I wouldn't have thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
Housec0at · 08/09/2019 10:43

I know The alternative Sad

As soon as he told me about the diagnosis I knew I didn't have a future with him, but didn't want to say that on the spot as I needed to process things and research exactly what it was I was dealing with.

I don't want somebody unpredictable in my children's lives.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 08/09/2019 10:43

when I worked in a mens prison I couldn't believe the number of silly women who would throw themselves at the most dangerous of criminals. What they didn't see was what said criminals said about them when they left - it was bone chilling.
Don't be one of those silly women.

AnnaNimmity · 08/09/2019 10:46

I agree, at the end of the day, you take what risks you want, but can't take risks with your kids lives.

My eldest dd said at the start of my relationship with him that he seemed controlling. I didn't listen - I thought it sweet that he wanted to see me all the time. I thought it nice that he had views on what I wore. I just wanted to be with him all the time. I didn't listen to my friends. At the end, even before the violence, I hadn't noticed the coercive control ramping up. I feel such guilt that I exposed my children to that model of relationships. That they were subject to that.

And then, when he inevitably discarded me, they were left with a wreck. It's my biggest regret. And however tempting I am to go back ( because he is all that is charming, and fun, and makes me feel like his soulmate), I would never do that to my children again. I lost a very good friend because she thinks I was a bad parent doing that to my children. She has a point I think (although I am hurt because other friends have been nothing but supportive).

(and of course it ramped up to violence, and really? even if I was could justify that to myself, I can't to my children ).

Good luck OP! I think you probably have had a lucky escape.

Original poster
Housec0at · 08/09/2019 10:47

I would never knowingly get involved with a criminal. If I'd found out he had served time then he would have been cut off immediately. I specifically asked about a criminal record and he swore blind he doesn't have one.

What would they say madcatlady?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 08/09/2019 10:48

He may or may not be lying about the official diagnosis. He may or may not be lying about the abuse. That's the thing with sociopaths - they lie like breathing.

This reminds me of the Ab Fab episode where Patsy manipulates Saffy with a tale about her horrifying childhood and abusive mother, then laughs about this tale later with Edina (who had witnessed that childhood firsthand).

Edina: [squirming] "...yeah, but that really happened didn't it, darling...?

Patsy: [horrified, ciggy hangs from open mouth] "DAMN!"

Roll credits.

Sums it up really. They lie so much they forget what's true and what's not, anymore.

AnnaNimmity · 08/09/2019 10:49

sorry it's not about me. I've been a bit triggered this week because I found him stalking me. I'm sure are other ways he's doing it, but it shook me.

Good luck OP!

Original poster
Housec0at · 08/09/2019 10:50

Thank you Anna, I'm glad you're out and won't go back. He sounds truly horrible. Please don't blame yourself for not seeing things clearer, sooner. If I have learned anything from the reading I've done it is that they're clever and manipulative.

I hope you and your friend can salvage your relationship in time x

OP posts:
Longhairdonotcare · 08/09/2019 10:52

To ease yourself out gently without issues can you say your children are struggling with you being in a relationship and it’s a critical time in their lives so you have to put them first? That perhaps makes it not personal to him which might allow you to walk away without his need to try and convince you to change your mind.

Original poster
Housec0at · 08/09/2019 10:53

I could say that yes longhair, though I'd be worried about inadvertently demonizing them in his eyes and making him resent and blame them for the relationship ending

OP posts:
TanMateix · 08/09/2019 10:56

Something boring would do, forget about “exposing him” you will face retribution for that at a later stage.

Just focus on doing something he might consider boring or stop celebrating how good he is. I’m sure he is aware you are pulling out, the trick is to ensure he doesn’t see that as a big loss. Now, don’t get all paranoid, just cool down things slowly on the phone until he looses interest and do not see him again.

PicsInRed · 08/09/2019 10:56

His family have been very welcoming to me yes, his parents bought me flowers the first time I met them and were very kind.

Consider that psychopathy may have a genetic element. Families also love bomb. They need you to come into their little boy's service as his scapegoat, general dogsbody and as growbag of grandchildren. Hmm

Don't make the mistake of assuming they're lovely and welcoming, and therefore represent some sort of "vouching" of his overall character.

They could be the tree he hasn't fallen far from.

PicsInRed · 08/09/2019 10:59

To ease yourself out gently without issues can you say your children are struggling with you being in a relationship and it’s a critical time in their lives so you have to put them first?

I wouldn't say anything to a socio or psychopath which made my children the obstacle to us being together. That potentially places the children in danger.

TanMateix · 08/09/2019 11:00

And don’t be fooled by the nice family, they are not the sociopaths and they could be perfectly nice and love their son dearly.

They do may not be aware of the diagnose or would be willing to find a good excuse for any bad behaviour he may have displayed, as nobody can easily accept they have a child that is a sociopath.

TanMateix · 08/09/2019 11:01

Nooo! Don’t ever use your children or anything you care for as an obstacle to see a sociopath.

Original poster
Housec0at · 08/09/2019 11:02

Upon reflection I think his parents big show of making a fuss of me was a bit OTT, but at the time whilst not knowing what I do now, I just thought it was wonderful.

I'm clearly more naive than I thought.

I'm going to send a text later on and pull out of our date on Tuesday, I will come back with his response and take it from there.

OP posts: