Facebook and the OW

[whatisthisthingofwhichyouspeak]

I've NC'd for this. H had an affair 7 years ago. I don't need to repeat how agonising it was to find out as so many of you have been there or are currently enduring the pain of recent discovery.

We are still together but it's been the hardest of roads, although not one I regret taking. He has done all the right things and more. I will never feel the same way about him but equally what we have now is good - different but fine.

Our recovery at the time and for two years after discovery was greatly hindered by the subsequent behaviour of the OW. She was in complete revenge mode - mainly aimed at me but also at H. I know she was misled by him and I understand she felt let down and hurt - he had promised marriage once he and she had divorced me and her DH.

However there was no excuse for the lengths she went to for two years to punish me/us which resulted in stalking my children, following me around town and supermarkets, vile comments on social media, malicious allegations to my employer and false, serious allegations to the police. We had worked together and I ended up moving jobs as she made the work environment intolerable for me and HR were useless.

The culmination of her campaign resulted in me being arrested initially but ended in her receiving a formal warning for harassment. The whole thing made me ill, physically and mentally, and it is only in the last two years or so that I have regained my equilibrium and sense of normality. Before that I was constantly in a state of high alert which my counsellor told me was a natural reaction to extreme trauma.

Now to the nub - sorry for the long preamble! I haven't ever regularly used FB. It's simply not something I enjoy or feel the need of. I was an occasional user of Twitter but stopped after I ended up having to block her for posting horrible comments about me. However in my most recent job move I have started using FB as it is heavily used by our team and for good reasons. I can see its merits.

Yesterday I opened my FB and received a notification that the OW had searched for me on it using my phone number. It was like being punched in the stomach and all those old feelings came flooding back. I'm really clueless about this and the friends I've asked about don't know either, so could someone explain what this means? Can she see my FB? I thought it was locked down to just Friends but can she see what I write via a friend of a friend (we still know lots of people mutually)?

This has upset me ridiculously and I should give my head a wobble but her name coming up in what I consider 'my' space was vile. And I suppose it means she still thinks about it all. I do know she and her DH have split up recently.

Again I'm sorry for the long post. Am I over-reacting? Thanks.

I'm not a hundred percent sure but i think if you BLOCK her on top of your other security settings she shouldn't see anything. I knew someone had blocked me because there were weird gaps in conversations on mutual friends posts.

You can block her, and personally I'd remove the phone number from Facebook - I think you can change settings to prevent being searched by phone number as well.

Kind of surprised you still have the same phone number.

I never knew that fb notified you of who had searched for you.

Where's that then on fb???

Don't they show up as "people you may know"? Not a notification per se.

So how did OP get a notification OW had searched for her by her mobile number?

Im confused, is that a thing on fb??

I also didn’t know people got notifications if you searched for them !

Facebook help pages say this doesn't happen. What exactly did it say?

Wow that an interesting new addition from Facebook......

I'm confused, Facebook doesn't work like that?

Do you have Messenger? If so, it gives you the option to add all your mobile contacts and searches for them by number. If it's this, it could be that she's still got your number on her phone and it's done it automatically.

This doesn't happen, you don't get a notification that someone has searched your phone number. I fear you may be slightly reacting to her name popping say on the people you may know?
Block her and she can't see anything of yours and she won't pop up again.
I think you may have to chalk this up to experience as you should have blocked her long ago by the sounds of it.
I'm sorry this sounds bloody awful for you op but Facebook don't notify you someone has searched you so yes you may be over reacting slightly to what you Actually saw rather than what you think you saw

Well I call complete BS as Facebook does not notify you that people have looked you up.

Also, due to gdpr, Facebook removed the phone number to profile linking facility long ago

Just clocked on. This is a reverse, you're the OW and worried she can see you've searched her

My ex’s other woman (and her friends ) called me on Facebook through messenger — is that what you mean? It came up as a notification but didn’t come through to my phone because I don’t have the app. If so pretty scary, because it means she’s trying to get in touch with you. Block block block, and tell the police if you feel threatened.

You don't get a notification when someone searches for you, at all. I don't disbelieve your story but I think you may be seeing her appear in 'People you may know' section of FB. The more you search for someone, the more this suggestion appears and if you have mutual friends this will increase the likelihood of that person appearing.

Best thing you can do is to block her from FB.

If this is true then all my DC teachers are getting "people you may know" suggestions for me.

Let's hope it's BS

Since when are there notifications for that on Facebook?! .

The whole situation sounds just dire OP, I am so sorry for what you've been through. With that said it was your DH that brought this into your lives for his own titillation and I can't see why he is worth putting up with this appalling set of incidences for, let alone having to accept a less good, less trusting and less intimate version of a relationship you had before, that he chose to shit on.

You are quite right to be horrified that she has cropped up again. Mental health is no joke and I would be looking to protect mine at this stage OP, by removing myself from all involved. You are not overreacting, you experienced trauma and this is a normal response to that. If you don't need social media I'd come off it, and get your DH to do the same.

You shouldn't have to live your life accounting for this mad woman that you had no say over in the first place, years of your life and your mental health have been the cost of it. I would consider that very seriously because if she crops up again (clearly she has not got over it) it will all be dredged up

What did the notification say? It wouldn't tell you that someone searched for you.

Do you mean LinkedIn?

Facebook doesn't have that facility (to see who has searched you)? I'm not sure what you mean OP?

I'm just here to say fb definitely does not do this. Block her anyway.

@MaryPopppins why are you searching all your DC's teachers?

@readitandwept - because I'm a nosey bitch

I've been getting notifications from FB the last week asking if I want to add my phone number to my profile....no I don't!!