Facebook and the OW

[whatisthisthingofwhichyouspeak]

I've NC'd for this. H had an affair 7 years ago. I don't need to repeat how agonising it was to find out as so many of you have been there or are currently enduring the pain of recent discovery.

We are still together but it's been the hardest of roads, although not one I regret taking. He has done all the right things and more. I will never feel the same way about him but equally what we have now is good - different but fine.

Our recovery at the time and for two years after discovery was greatly hindered by the subsequent behaviour of the OW. She was in complete revenge mode - mainly aimed at me but also at H. I know she was misled by him and I understand she felt let down and hurt - he had promised marriage once he and she had divorced me and her DH.

However there was no excuse for the lengths she went to for two years to punish me/us which resulted in stalking my children, following me around town and supermarkets, vile comments on social media, malicious allegations to my employer and false, serious allegations to the police. We had worked together and I ended up moving jobs as she made the work environment intolerable for me and HR were useless.

The culmination of her campaign resulted in me being arrested initially but ended in her receiving a formal warning for harassment. The whole thing made me ill, physically and mentally, and it is only in the last two years or so that I have regained my equilibrium and sense of normality. Before that I was constantly in a state of high alert which my counsellor told me was a natural reaction to extreme trauma.

Now to the nub - sorry for the long preamble! I haven't ever regularly used FB. It's simply not something I enjoy or feel the need of. I was an occasional user of Twitter but stopped after I ended up having to block her for posting horrible comments about me. However in my most recent job move I have started using FB as it is heavily used by our team and for good reasons. I can see its merits.

Yesterday I opened my FB and received a notification that the OW had searched for me on it using my phone number. It was like being punched in the stomach and all those old feelings came flooding back. I'm really clueless about this and the friends I've asked about don't know either, so could someone explain what this means? Can she see my FB? I thought it was locked down to just Friends but can she see what I write via a friend of a friend (we still know lots of people mutually)?

This has upset me ridiculously and I should give my head a wobble but her name coming up in what I consider 'my' space was vile. And I suppose it means she still thinks about it all. I do know she and her DH have split up recently.

Again I'm sorry for the long post. Am I over-reacting? Thanks.

Sorry people are being so rude and insensitive to you. In your situation l would be unhappy and unsettled to get a notification like that about what is basically a stalker. I also vote you contact the police. As an aside the OW needs to get a life and leave you alone

Yes OP, call the Police. So sorry you've had a hard time on here after everything you've gone through. Stay safe 💐💐💐

Jesus Christ! I didn't realise that there are people as thick as Donut! How do manage to get up in the morning without falling over your own feet!

Op my ex was convicted of stalking and harassment in March. He was issued with a police caution in October and a non molestation order in November. He persisted but all via my new bf and nothing direct so evaded arrest even though police could see what he was doing. In December he sent me a LinkedIn connection request which was clearly a breach of the non-molestation order. He was arrested and charged and convicted this year.

Keep everything as evidence. Do not react or contact her in any way. Contact the police again. Even if they cannot do anything immediately it's clear that ah doesn't take the caution seriously and will need further police involvement down the line. Sadly they need enough evidence to pursue a case so stay strong, keep the police informed of EVERYTHING. Keep a journal and if she persists you will have enough for a prosecution this time. Although actually I hope she just leaves you the fuck alone

whatisthisthingofwhichyouspeak
I suspect that’s exactly the effect the previous poster wanted to have on you.
Really spiteful nasty behaviour which you don’t deserve in any way. I don’t know what his/her problem is but rest assured it’s their own problem and not yours. Don’t give it another thought because it’s absolute bollocks.

@02whatisthisthingofwhichyouspeak yes I second the advice to call the police. Because of your arrest and her formal warning, I assume the police already have a file (not sure how these things work) but its way more than her contacting you or trying to on fb or messenger. And i too confuse fb and messenger so youre not alone in that confusion.

@MaryPopppins I can't fault your honesty 

@whatisthisthingofwhichyouspeak ignore the threat of legal action. Although, not before seeing it for what it is - totally twattery.

Hope you feel better soon.

Messenger is the method by which you receive Facebook messages, so it's entirely natural to link the two.

I agree that a lot of posters were panicking about their past Facebook searches and were taking it out on you OP!

CandyLeBonBon - I am so sorry about what you have endured and thank you for your advice. It is some years since this all happened hence my shock at receiving the notification - as a PP said, it's like seeing a ghost, or in my case the Grim Reaper.

I can hardly bear the thought of contacting the Police about it again as I was so relieved to get away from it all - my job move took me a long way away from her geographically but obviously social media means we are all accessible to a greater or lesser extent, irrespective how we try to limit our footprint.

If I do contact them I feel sure that they will speak to her; it's a small, largely rural force who deal with these things really well. And if they do do that, she will know it has got to me. She was always incorrigible and I doubt she has changed much. So I'm in a dilemma whether to or not. And if I block her on FB does she get a notification that I have done so? I can hardly bear the thought that she would see anything from me.

Sorry, I'm rambling now

She won't get a notification if you block her. You have the screenshot, so maybe let it lie for now, for your own sake. But one more stunt by her, get it dealt with.

Unfortunately OP I think in your situation all the negatives of social media are going to outweigh any real benefit. My understanding of FB is that even if you have a private account, once a friend likes or comments on one of your posts the privacy ends. Basically you are A, OW is C and mutual friend/acquaintance is B. A has a FB account which is set to private. A is friends on FB with B, C is friends on FB with B, A & C are not friends on FB. A posts something, B likes it, post then appears on the newsfeed of anyone who is friends with B so C ends up seeing your post.

This was certainly the case a few years ago and I don’t think it’s changed but happy to be corrected if it’s not the case. I’ve never blocked anyone so don’t know if blocking someone would make any difference to one of your posts once it’s been put out there.

I’m sorry this has reared it’s ugly head again, you may need to stick to the likes of Whatsapp groups where it’s slightly less out of your control but ultimately if you have changed your number previously and someone has told her your new number, you need to be looking closely at who your friends/acquaintances are.

Have you thought about deleting your phone number off your social media profiles so she can't do this again and creating a new professional FB profile where your friends are colleagues only ?

The initial nasty comments are almost certainly people panicking that their online stalking of exes has become known to them.

Readitandwept - thank you, that's really helpful. I'm feeling really fragile about it all so I think I need to take a step back for now.

Pikapikachu - I don't have my phone number on SM although - of course - WhatsApp is the exception to this and she is blocked on that. Interesting comment about the SM chain reaction. Ironically this is one of the many reasons I've avoided using FB until very recently.

My ex is blocked on fb and he doesn't crop up anywhere on my feed ever and we are connected by about 60 mutual FB friends. As long as your privacy is tight I think you're ok. I never see any comments he's made on friends' posts either but it might be useful if anyone else can confirm that?

Hi op,

I'm really sorry for what you have gone through. I had an ex stalk me and it is a truly horrible experience. He eventually gave up. Yours sounds far more traumatic.

Donut is not worth even commenting on. Ignore outright.

If you block on FB she can't see anything unless she sets up a new profile and somehow becomes your friend (my ex did this). Just be careful who you accept.

I think you should go to the police and log the incident.

@TheTeenageYears, that's not correct. When you block someone on FB they can't see you or your posts at all, unless you unblock them.

I think this would be a waste of police time...Facebook messenger adds people automatically ime, from old contacts lists etc. She hasn't actually messaged you, though I can understand you being bothered. I've got loads of people I didnt want added on messenger, it seems automatic.

Block her and problem is solved. I'd be pretty fucked off with your 'husband' for causing you years of stress...maybe he should sort this out. It shouldn't be your problem to sort out his affair hangovers.

@donutrehomer don't be ridiculous 🙄

Hi OP Could you close your FB account and set up a new one with just your work contacts?

I would also be reluctant to contact Police, take screenshot as evidence and if she does anything else then I would report it to the Police.

Who knows maybe she was calling to apologise clutching at straws

I would feel sick too seeing that after what you went through, it's like a punch to the gut.

Hope you can put it out of your mind and enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Donut clearly has issues and should also be ignored shame we don't have a block button on here for cunts

Go into Facebook -
Settings -
Privacy settings
And find the block section - type her name in and when it pulls her up you confirm you want to block and voila,
She won't be able to see anything you post anywhere.

Block her OP. Try not to worry about her.

Your husband is a scumbag for giving rise to all this stress. I hope he’s behaving himself these days.

screenshot for future evidence if needed and block. Is your dh supporting you through this.

Thanks again, all. Really useful info about FB and I think the idea of closing it and starting just a work one is a good idea.

I haven't told my H about it yet - I do understand the sentiment that it's for him to sort out the crap that his awful behaviour resulted in but I don't want him to have any dealings with her. I am not concerned about him doing so - the bottom line is that she is no longer with her husband so she is free and I am not my H's keeper. If he wants to go to her now then I wouldn't stand in his way but we've worked bloody hard to get to the point where we are at and I get no sense that he wants to destroy it all again. If anything it is him that has wanted to continue our marriage when I frequently wanted to just walk away in the early years post discovery and on occasions since.

In the past she has prodded me in an attempt to get him to engage; the Police told us both at the time of the Harassment warning to her that he should definitely not respond to her in any way as she then has achieved her intent. My solicitor said the same so it's incumbent on both of us not to fuel her fire.

She is an exceptionally attractive woman, much younger than me, who never struggles for admirers so I'm a bit bemused that after all these years she still has any interest in either of us. I imagine she still finds it difficult to understand why he is still with an 'old, fat, mad, witch' as she so generously described me at the time