Facebook and the OW

[whatisthisthingofwhichyouspeak]

I've NC'd for this. H had an affair 7 years ago. I don't need to repeat how agonising it was to find out as so many of you have been there or are currently enduring the pain of recent discovery.

We are still together but it's been the hardest of roads, although not one I regret taking. He has done all the right things and more. I will never feel the same way about him but equally what we have now is good - different but fine.

Our recovery at the time and for two years after discovery was greatly hindered by the subsequent behaviour of the OW. She was in complete revenge mode - mainly aimed at me but also at H. I know she was misled by him and I understand she felt let down and hurt - he had promised marriage once he and she had divorced me and her DH.

However there was no excuse for the lengths she went to for two years to punish me/us which resulted in stalking my children, following me around town and supermarkets, vile comments on social media, malicious allegations to my employer and false, serious allegations to the police. We had worked together and I ended up moving jobs as she made the work environment intolerable for me and HR were useless.

The culmination of her campaign resulted in me being arrested initially but ended in her receiving a formal warning for harassment. The whole thing made me ill, physically and mentally, and it is only in the last two years or so that I have regained my equilibrium and sense of normality. Before that I was constantly in a state of high alert which my counsellor told me was a natural reaction to extreme trauma.

Now to the nub - sorry for the long preamble! I haven't ever regularly used FB. It's simply not something I enjoy or feel the need of. I was an occasional user of Twitter but stopped after I ended up having to block her for posting horrible comments about me. However in my most recent job move I have started using FB as it is heavily used by our team and for good reasons. I can see its merits.

Yesterday I opened my FB and received a notification that the OW had searched for me on it using my phone number. It was like being punched in the stomach and all those old feelings came flooding back. I'm really clueless about this and the friends I've asked about don't know either, so could someone explain what this means? Can she see my FB? I thought it was locked down to just Friends but can she see what I write via a friend of a friend (we still know lots of people mutually)?

This has upset me ridiculously and I should give my head a wobble but her name coming up in what I consider 'my' space was vile. And I suppose it means she still thinks about it all. I do know she and her DH have split up recently.

Again I'm sorry for the long post. Am I over-reacting? Thanks.

The op might not be the ow, she might have searched the ow and is worried she can see. Ow or betrayed spouse the best thing you can do is block them.

I am appalled that someone thinks this is a reverse - I feel physically sick that it could be read like that. And it wasn't and isn't BS. I've just checked again as I was doubting myself and some of you are correct, it's the Messenger bit. This is the screenshot and for those who have asked, I have changed my number so I can only assume she has got it via a third party who has a link to me on WhatsApp. As I said, we still know many people mutually.

Ah I see. I can understand your concern now.

Donutrehomer, I'm not attacking anyone - I was just appalled that the way I had written something may have led someone to think this is a reverse. As I said, I am not a social media or FB ninja - like Londoncrone I saw this when I opened my FB, in the Messenger bit of it, hence my mistakenly conflating the too.

Why be so unkind? Anyone with an ounce of empathy would understand how horrible this was.

Made you feel physically sick OP? Bit of an over reaction isn't it?. Just needed to update us to tell us it's messenger not fb.

Just wanted to say that some of the responses on here are totally inappropriate. You came here for advice and you have got a lot of unneccessary criticism just for not explaining the problem so well. it sounds like you have been through an awful time, you have my full sympathy. I’m not very technical either, I hope that someone can help you with constructive advice on what to do.

Blimey Donutrehomer, are you the OW? I was reaching out for advice from MNetters because I had a traumatic response to a notification due to suffering two years of hell at the the hands of someone who was determined to punish me - and my DC - for my husband's actions.

An error in my OP was due to my misunderstanding how FB works, but that's why I sought advice in the first place

A survivor, thank you.

HI OP I can completely understand your reaction (far better than I understand some of the responses here). I think you should flag this with the police - just get it noted. This person has already been given an official warning for harassment and is clearly, despite you changing your number, trying to reach you. She has no right to be in your life or prodding at the edges like this.

Your reaction is showing however that your baseline anxiety level is much higher than it should be (perfectly understandable in the circs) but that's definitely something to be thinking about going forward.
All best wishes to you - take care of yourself.

I didn't realise Mumsnet had a knobhead corner section.
Sorry op, sometimes people forget that emotions exist on here.
Block the bitch and keep your head up

Donutrehomer no.how very dare you! She didn't attack anyone, she simply conveyed how distressed she was that someone accused her of actually being the other woman. Her upset was pretty justified after all she's been through I'd say. You aren't very nice, are you?

Hahaha @donutrehomer are you fucking serious?!

For a start, she didn't accuse you of anything of the sort. If anything, she asked a question. Which could have had an easy answer, the same as all your ridiculous questions throughout the rest of the thread.

Go meditate or have a bath or a gin or something and chill the fuck out.

@whatisthisthingofwhichyouspeak Just to echo others - block!

I can understand how horrible this has made you feel, OP. She has clearly gone out of her way to get hold of your phone number, and then to look you up on Messenger. I agree with a PP that you should contact the police and let them know, based on her past behaviour and her warning for harassment. They are unlikely to do anything about it of course, but at least it is documented in case she is starting up a further campaign against you all (obviously I hope this is not the case at at all).

Donutrehomer I'm pretty sure the legal advice would be "Don't be silly. Are you paying by card or cash?"
There. I've saved you a lot of money and bother.
Disclaimer. I am not legally trained.

Urgent legal advice?? For years MN has been my safe space, an anonymous forum
that has enabled me to seek support and advice, help that at times literally kept me alive. I will always be grateful to Anyfucker and Attilathemeercat, amongst many, whose kindness and experience got me through some really dark times.

I think I had better report my own post.

donutrehomer you’re just being unnecessarily nasty now. OP has done absolutely none of what you’ve accused her of, why are you attacking and threatening her for no reason?

Don’t let one poster bully you OP. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Hi, OP. Not sure if it's been mentioned but it could be that your old phone number is associated with your Facebook/messenger. Thus, when OW has tried calling you, she was calling messenger on your old number.

donutrehomer, grow up!!

Jesus that took a turn quick

OP, I hope you're okay. I've had an ex boyfriend pop up on my Facebook suggested friends before and it's almost like seeing a ghost!

Will everybody CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!

Op I think what's happened is that everyone who has surreptitiously searches people on fb were going into a panic that FB had somehow turned into LinkedIn!!

Lots of us have searched exes on FB so I suspect it just gave rise to a bit of panic.

Your concern is completely understandable. It would freak me out too. Take a breath and keep talking. It's FB messenger and separate to FB so it was a misunderstanding.

I agree that you ought to contact the police - this should be treated as stalking, given her past behaviour.
Take no notice of donutrehomer, who sounds like a total bloody loon. Pmsl at the seeking legal advice bollocks.

Thank you all. I'm sitting here crying - how pathetic is that. Having been arrested because of the lies of a bitter, vengeful OW, the threat of 'taking legal advice', no matter how ridiculous that might be, has really impacted on me.

I'm grateful to all those who have offered such helpful, expert and constructive advice and I apologise again for my lack of understanding of FB and how it works. I didn't intend to mislead anyone.