Facebook and the OW

[whatisthisthingofwhichyouspeak]

I've NC'd for this. H had an affair 7 years ago. I don't need to repeat how agonising it was to find out as so many of you have been there or are currently enduring the pain of recent discovery.

We are still together but it's been the hardest of roads, although not one I regret taking. He has done all the right things and more. I will never feel the same way about him but equally what we have now is good - different but fine.

Our recovery at the time and for two years after discovery was greatly hindered by the subsequent behaviour of the OW. She was in complete revenge mode - mainly aimed at me but also at H. I know she was misled by him and I understand she felt let down and hurt - he had promised marriage once he and she had divorced me and her DH.

However there was no excuse for the lengths she went to for two years to punish me/us which resulted in stalking my children, following me around town and supermarkets, vile comments on social media, malicious allegations to my employer and false, serious allegations to the police. We had worked together and I ended up moving jobs as she made the work environment intolerable for me and HR were useless.

The culmination of her campaign resulted in me being arrested initially but ended in her receiving a formal warning for harassment. The whole thing made me ill, physically and mentally, and it is only in the last two years or so that I have regained my equilibrium and sense of normality. Before that I was constantly in a state of high alert which my counsellor told me was a natural reaction to extreme trauma.

Now to the nub - sorry for the long preamble! I haven't ever regularly used FB. It's simply not something I enjoy or feel the need of. I was an occasional user of Twitter but stopped after I ended up having to block her for posting horrible comments about me. However in my most recent job move I have started using FB as it is heavily used by our team and for good reasons. I can see its merits.

Yesterday I opened my FB and received a notification that the OW had searched for me on it using my phone number. It was like being punched in the stomach and all those old feelings came flooding back. I'm really clueless about this and the friends I've asked about don't know either, so could someone explain what this means? Can she see my FB? I thought it was locked down to just Friends but can she see what I write via a friend of a friend (we still know lots of people mutually)?

This has upset me ridiculously and I should give my head a wobble but her name coming up in what I consider 'my' space was vile. And I suppose it means she still thinks about it all. I do know she and her DH have split up recently.

Again I'm sorry for the long post. Am I over-reacting? Thanks.

@whatisthisthingofwhichyouspeak I'm not sure if it is still the case but I had the same, in the earlier days of Facebook. If you change your registered email and delete any references to your number in your 'account profile' that means that anyone who has your email and number in their contacts won't find you.

So I would set up a generic hotmail account or similar for Facebook and change your email address and don't enter a phone number.

This might be good as a half step rather than just shutting it down and starting a new profile which is a faff for you, I guess.

Also, I have reported the bizarre 'donut' person above. Don't engage!

Stanski, thank you. I have now done that.

After all this time I’d be concerned as to why she wanted to contact me and what she had to say. Although that may just be my paranoia

User, indeed - my reaction too. Hence why I've spent all day feeling sick. Part of me wants to know just that. The irony is that should I be daft enough to respond to her, she would doubtless play the victim card again and somehow suggest that I was the one instigating this.

I used to innocently believe that false allegations would always be seen through by the police until I found myself subject to them. In the end it was all resolved but not before I was put through hell so I am very wary of her indeed. Without wishing to drip feed, the police were sufficiently concerned about her to advise me about my and my DC's personal safety which goes some way I think to explain my visceral reaction to this incident.

Have you managed to rebuild any trust in your DH? Do you feel she just has a long standing grudge? Her previous behaviour doesn’t sound rational, even if she was scorned

The information a PP shared about the FB chain is not exactly correct.

Make sure you set the privacy of all your posts to 'my friends only' (then only your accepted friends can see your posts and not their friends too)

FB security is excellent - you do need to update your preferences and make yourself familiar with the settings though.

Definitely block OW on FB - she will not know you have done this, she just won't ever be able to find you or ever see a comment your made on anyone else's posts (it will be as if you don't exist on FB to Her) if DH has FB he should have her blocked too.

However if she bakes a fake account in another name she will still find you in a search and then know she's been blocked. So still keep your security settings very tight.

What horribly harsh responses from some PP.

I agree about closing down this Facebook profile and opening a new one. You could use your middle name as a surname or similar so that it doesn’t easily link to you and don’t upload your phone (and use a new email address).

Changeitchild, thank you, I will do all that. User, I have but it has been a long and painful process. If I were to find out that he has betrayed my trust again then our relationship would be over immediately. However I am confident that he hasn't but any innocence I had has long since gone.

The Police Officer who dealt with my case was very well versed in stalking and DV/EA issues. He said that he felt her behaviours and actions were those of a narcissist - it wasn't an area of personality that I was particularly aware of before this nightmare but subsequent reading and info I gleaned from MN did indicate that she seemed to tick a lot of the narcissistic 'boxes'.

At the time I hated her because she was so absolutely intent on damaging me both personally and professionally and as a rational person I simply couldn't understand why I rather than my H was the target of her fury. However in recent times I have felt pretty 'meh' about her as I'm not a vindictive person and she has already consumed too much of my life. So I didn't expect my reaction to this and it has given me pause for thought. A PP said they thought my baseline stress levels were still high and I think that on reflection that is a sensible observation. By coincidence I have a work medical this week and I will mention my upset about all this to the GP just to hear their thoughts.

@whatisthisthingofwhichyouspeak you are being amazingly calm given the circumstances.

Can you (Calmy) discuss with your DH? He brought this crazy to your door, and whilst you have worked hard to get to this point, I think it is important that you do not shoulder this alone.

@whatisthisthingofwhichyouspeak
I apologise. The amount of panic in your post did read, to me, as if you were concerned about someone finding out you had searched them. Hense, my belief that this was a reverse. I did not mean to cause you offence or feel anyone was against you. But, just as you have pointed out, this is a public, annonimous forum, and I am therefore within my right to suggest this may have been a reverse if I saw it in a way others haven't.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Personally, I would delete Facebook altogether (in fact, I have as I also use it at work) and focus on you and your dh relationship. Digging up the past is never pleasant, and something as deep as this must me traumatising for you.
I wish you well and apologise if I offended you. (there was no need to be as rude about my suggestion as you were though)

@donutrehomer - I am a Civil Litigation Lawyer so please feel free to private message me to discuss engaging my services. I will then respond by telling you to go and give your head a wobble as you have a severe lack of empathy and really shouldn't be frequenting a site that is about support and compassion.

@Bigblue1970 well said

@donutrehomer some free advice. Cheaper than legal advice. Don't be a twat 😂

She's searched for you using your number and hit messenger....

Edit your profile details so that you are not searchable by number and block...lock down your profile under privacy. That way if she creates new accounts she shouldn't be able to find you.

@donutrehomer Haha, WTF.

Ignore the daft poster OP, they're clearly either barking mad or trolling you.

donutrehomer you’re an actual dick

Sorry you are going through this op

Burnttoastandjam, he's away with work at the moment overseas and I don't want to discuss this with him over a phone or WhatsApp video call but I will tell him when he gets back in two weeks' time.

By then I will probably back to my normal 'whatever' reaction to it as the fight or flight emotion I am feeling today will have gone. That's probably a good thing as I would feel she had won a bit if he and I end up with an angst-ridden discussion that leads to a row about it all.

I did have a long conversation with my BF earlier; she was lovely and kind and pragmatic and said some outrageously rude things about the OW (she knows her too) which made me feel, rather childishly I know, a whole lot better.

BigBlue, I really appreciate that - thank you.

Thank you too to you all for your empathy and advice. The kindness of strangers x

@donutrehomer what an absolute crazy person u are 😂😂😂OP said nothing of the sort

Op
Un-Mumsnetty hugs to you.

I don't know why some people can become dangerously obsessive but I'm hoping this woman will get over it soon and leave you alone.

Until then, block her on all social media networks

Op what a horrific situation and how incredibly strong you must be. This is about so much more than just dealing with the aftermath of an affair, which is overwhelming enough. The stalking, driving you out of your job, getting you arrested ffs! Yet still some malicious posters turn this around to make it your issue. Relationships used to be a safe and sensible place and that kind of shit was found in AIBU. Please just ignore idiots like that and listen to the old advice and support you've had.

Wow, this woman is a proper nutjob isn't she? 7 years later and she's still searching you and stuff. Who does that? Did you ever get an order to stop her from harrassing you? I wouldn't worry that it's all going to start again. Block her, like right now. It won't stop her making a new profile and searching again but hopefully she isn't that sad!

I would just block her and then she won't be able to see your profile at all, or anything you comment on someone else's page etc. However, she could create a fake account to look at your info, so make sure everything is locked down. Choose friends only for everything, and if you have concerns about a mutual friend sharing info with her then use the custom option to exclude certain people from certain posts. If you google it there's loads of info of how to do it all :)

AMAM8916, we looked at the options for a civil injunction but the costs were prohibitive and in the end that was overtaken by events anyway due to the police involvement. I have a gut feeling that it is all about to start up again and I do remember the Police Officer who dealt with the case telling me at the time that he felt I hadn't heard the last from her. I hope that he was wrong.

I am sure it's just a really odd coincidence but my BF told me in our call earlier today that the OW's DC is about to start at the same small, rural Uni that my eldest DD attends. She had been debating whether to tell me but felt she should after I
told her about the notification. We don't visit DD there very often as she prefers to come home but I shall have eyes on swivels next time I am there. Thank goodness she is in her last year and plans to do a post-grad elsewhere.

Also, due to gdpr, Facebook removed the phone number to profile linking facility long ago

That’s not true. I have several FB only friends-we share a hobby. Recently, I was looking at a profile of one of them and her phone number was on there. We’ve never swapped numbers.

I'd have felt physically sick if I got that notification in your circumstances too. Nothing dramatic about it at all.

Sorry for the pp being unkind. It's totally unnecessary.