Facebook and the OW

[whatisthisthingofwhichyouspeak]

I've NC'd for this. H had an affair 7 years ago. I don't need to repeat how agonising it was to find out as so many of you have been there or are currently enduring the pain of recent discovery.

We are still together but it's been the hardest of roads, although not one I regret taking. He has done all the right things and more. I will never feel the same way about him but equally what we have now is good - different but fine.

Our recovery at the time and for two years after discovery was greatly hindered by the subsequent behaviour of the OW. She was in complete revenge mode - mainly aimed at me but also at H. I know she was misled by him and I understand she felt let down and hurt - he had promised marriage once he and she had divorced me and her DH.

However there was no excuse for the lengths she went to for two years to punish me/us which resulted in stalking my children, following me around town and supermarkets, vile comments on social media, malicious allegations to my employer and false, serious allegations to the police. We had worked together and I ended up moving jobs as she made the work environment intolerable for me and HR were useless.

The culmination of her campaign resulted in me being arrested initially but ended in her receiving a formal warning for harassment. The whole thing made me ill, physically and mentally, and it is only in the last two years or so that I have regained my equilibrium and sense of normality. Before that I was constantly in a state of high alert which my counsellor told me was a natural reaction to extreme trauma.

Now to the nub - sorry for the long preamble! I haven't ever regularly used FB. It's simply not something I enjoy or feel the need of. I was an occasional user of Twitter but stopped after I ended up having to block her for posting horrible comments about me. However in my most recent job move I have started using FB as it is heavily used by our team and for good reasons. I can see its merits.

Yesterday I opened my FB and received a notification that the OW had searched for me on it using my phone number. It was like being punched in the stomach and all those old feelings came flooding back. I'm really clueless about this and the friends I've asked about don't know either, so could someone explain what this means? Can she see my FB? I thought it was locked down to just Friends but can she see what I write via a friend of a friend (we still know lots of people mutually)?

This has upset me ridiculously and I should give my head a wobble but her name coming up in what I consider 'my' space was vile. And I suppose it means she still thinks about it all. I do know she and her DH have split up recently.

Again I'm sorry for the long post. Am I over-reacting? Thanks.

If you feel it's starting up again op I would definitely ask the police for advice. It can't hurt can it at least to have them aware of it in case she does escalate. I'm sure it will be fine with your daughter. Doubt she has told her children what she has done so it shouldn't matter them two going to the same place. Don't let her spoil your happiness anymore. If this was designed to create fear again then it's starting to work. I would take back control and speak to the police. You never know what they will say. Good luck op.

I would absolutely let the police know. I'd be concerned about her being on uni grounds too, I'd be letting the uni know as well.

I work withing the criminal justice system. Please log this with the police. I don't want to alarm you but this could be the start of another incident of her erratic behaviour.

Hopefully it isnt and once you've logged it you can forget about it. But if the worse happens you will have the full picture with the police. You mentioned you got arrested so she isnt above using the police against you. Get ahead of it.

Chuckecheeks, I know you and others are right to suggest this. I hardly slept last night and have a pounding heart today. I appreciate that's probably a complete over reaction to a minor incident on social media but I haven't given the full story of her past antics on here as it would be immediately identifiable to anyone that knew me, my DH or her.

However one example is that even when I moved jobs (and houses!) over 100 miles away, she applied for a post in my new location. She was spoken to by HR about this after I approached them again about my concerns (we both work in a very large, nation-wide organisation) and withdrew the application but I did log this with the original police team who then notified the local force too.

It was really humiliating at the time to have to repeat the whole sordid saga to my new HR team when I thought I had left it all behind and the thought of doing so again - I've been promoted and re-located again subsequently - is just horrible. Due to the nature of my role I have to notify my HR if I have any involvement with the police.

Chucklecheeks, I was told by the police officer who dealt with my case that harassment and stalking can often be triggered again by a change in the harasser's personal circumstances- do you think that is correct? I do know she and her DH have recently split up although I don't know the reason behind that so perhaps that has given rise to this renewed interest in me?

In respect of the university, I do believe this is a genuine (although unfortunate) coincidence as I am sure that her DC made absolutely their own choice of uni. I don't think I can notify the uni authorities about her being on the site on occasion without breaking all sorts of rules - happy to be corrected on this - but on reflection I think a sensible middle way is for me not to go there at all apart from DD's graduation ceremony.

I don't intend to tell my DD about this as OW did involve all my DC - truly horrible- and my DD was the one who was particularly caught up in it all. She was extremely upset and was old enough at the time to still remember it now very vividly. For those who may be wondering, she has had support from health professionals subsequently but is fine now.

My concern is that if I do notify the police it might be seen as a complete over reaction and I admit that I'm afraid that she could somehow turn this round to suggest that I am maliciously making trouble for her. Actually, that's the bottom line - yes, I'm afraid of her. Her actions were so disproportionate and off the scale that I and others struggled to understand them. I did try to find some compassion for her as she was obviously hugely let down by my H but that did not excuse her hatred for me and her behaviour.

I think she is unwell but the problem is and always has been is that she is entirely credible when interviewed. Had the police not been able (thank god, thank god) to track down a witness who was present in the same location when I allegedly did what I actually didn't do to her, plus some CCTV footage of her verbal exchanges with me and her prior and subsequent abusive text messages to me and my DH, then I genuinely believe it would have been my word (the older, unattractive betrayed wife) against hers (broken-hearted, beautiful OW) and she may have succeeded. The ramifications for me both professionally and personally would have been horrific.

I'm still struggling with where to go with this. I simply don't know.

Bloody hell OP, what a nightmare for you. I'm inclined to say inform the police. Even if they do think you're overreacting it will be logged and if she does anything else it will be part of the trail of her weird stalking like behaviour.