If you found out your dh had had an affair for 16 months would you ...

[Eggid]

Throw him out? Even if he’s all you’ve ever known and you’ve been together for nearly 40 years? Even if he’s spent the 10 months since you found out doing all in his power to put things right?

Some days I want to kill myself. Some days I want to kill him. Most days I just don’t know what to do.

Please tell me what you would do given that we’ve been together since we were teenagers. Dc are all grown up and gone, and they don’t know anything.

Thank you.

I never felt shame I have to say.

I had nothing to be ashamed of. Only DH and the OW were to blame.

S021 I struggled with major shame and humiliation for at least the first three months*

One other thing I'd like to add is I think the way the unfaithful partner acts after an affair is unveiled makes a huge difference. My partner seemed as devastated as me, he cried a lot too and it pushed other issues in our relationship to the surface, which we also worked through, resulting in a better relationship for both of us. We did spend some time apart initially and I think that made us both realise what we wanted. The next 18 months were hard work though. It's not necessarily true that it will always be with you (for some if may, everyone is different). I still think of it sometimes but I no longer feel it in the pit of my stomach. When I do think of it, I think of how much better things are now, I think about all the memories we've made since. It also helps me to think of how shit it must have been for the OW to have been dropped like that ( I know for certain he wasn't in contact with her, I had his phone for the first few months). Now I don't monitor it at all. He's free to leave if he wants and so am I. You a very early on in the process. Too early to decide what to do maybe.

"But they are now retired and are pretty happy together in their 70s. So it's really, really difficult for me to say whether or not she made the right decision to stay with him."

That is what happened to my parents.

Penguin, you are right, but he did not project contempt and disdain on to her.

I call infidelity the gift that keeps on giving. So much loss.

@Faith50 The truth is people would feel sad for you but very quickly move on with other matters in their lives. Infidelity only truly affects those directly involved.

I'm sure this is true wrt friends etc. but it absolutely does affect the children of marriages where one person is unfaithful. @ScreamingLadySutch and I are just two of the people posting here whose lives have been seriously affected by one of our parents cheating.

to all of you who have been the victims of this one way or another

To answer your questions OP, yes I would throw him out regardless. I'm your age and recently divorced (though under different circumstances), you're still relatively young don't waste any more years on him.

Staying for the lifestyle as has been suggested up thread is just grim. I agree with the PP who said this can be a call to grow up and take control of your own life.

It's been six years for me and I'm still not over it. I'm 56. Your marriage can never be the same, you'll never be the same, and even if you love him, you will never again look at him with that unbridled innocent adoration of an untarnished marriage. I don't believe that marriage can ever be "better than it was before" after infidelity: Humpty Dumpty is broken, and all manner of glue will still only result in a stuck-back-together mess. In this day and age, 50's is young. You have a lot of life left in you, and only you can decide if the love you still have for him is enough to offset the mistrust, that never completely goes away.

Rubicon I was not stating that children are not affected by infidelity. I was referring to friends and extended family members.

Although long term affairs carry more deceit, there is usually a reason, not an excuse but a reason and identifying and understanding this and recognising when you’re potentially crossing that line, makes it far less likely to happen again.

Exactly.
As long as you tackle the underlying cause.

No your marriage is not the same.

But change is part of life and marriage can be better and stronger post affair.

But takes time and work - and well it's not like you're doing anything else.

Change and growth can be painful but nothing stays the same - just look at your kids.

Thank you all so much for your further opinions. I have a lot of food for thought and reading to do. It’s so valuable to get a wide range of opinions both from those who have been through this (for which I’m so sorry), and for those who haven’t. I contacted some counsellors in my lunch hour today so a small step forward.

Things look so different in the middle of the night to the harsh light of day. I feel trapped inside my own mind most of the time and I want to get out.

I’m on my phone so please forgive me not namechecking. Someone asked if I truly hadn’t noticed any difference at all - the honest answer is no. I don’t know what that says about me.

The feelings of worthlessness and the constant wondering about the ow are grinding me down. I do work and have interests of my own but all who say I need to develop these are right.

I’m also now wondering if it was longer than 16 months :(.

So sorry op. I would struggle with the lying. He must have told lie after lie to your face. I don’t think I could stay married to that person

I'm nearly two year on and it's never gone away. Some days I cope quite well but the thoughts of what my H (no longer DH) did to me and our children never truly go away. He sorry, it doesn't cut it quite frankly. I'm angry he got to have all this excitement whilst I stayed home looking after our babies.. I never see any signs, but now looking back they were all there. I tried counselling but just couldn't bring myself to tell the whole sorry mess - no one really knows in fact! I live this lie and sham or a marriage for my kids, in two years from now I may be strong enough to walk away. Someone said to me back then when I found out, you don't have to leave now.. leave when your ready and in the right mindset. I kind agree with that, the man I married is gone.. he knows I feel that way and tries harder but you know what.. it will never be enough because the trust is gone. I wish you strength and happiness in what ever you decide. xx

I totally agree pinkp, you can get by, you can still care a lot, you can still get on, but ‘something special’ is lost . Clearly others do feel a marriage can be stronger, but I haven’t felt that way to be honest

You don't even know if this is the only affair. Perhaps yes been unfaithful before, you will never be able to trust him again. But you can trust yourself OP.

What it says about you Eggid is that you are a decent and trusting person. Those are not bad qualities to have.

In case you hadn't thought of it, you need to get tested for STDs too. Even if he only had sex with her, neither of you know for sure who else she was having sex with. STDs are on the increase among middle aged people. In my experience, the nurses were extremely kind and sympathetic. It's not your shame to carry - he's the despicable one here.

Op it is very early days...taken me 3 years and still think about it most days. My DS was starting secondary school the week after I found out about EA. I didntvwant any disruption to his 1st week after a few days DS has a complete melt down and had hives due to stress of school....he became my priority and it's almost as if the EA was pur on the back burner.

In fear of backlash
I was once the other woman. I believed his lies to me that he would leave her. She believed his lies of where he was. I found out he’d done it before me and once I left he went on and did it again. I can’t apologise to his wife for my behaviour ( she forgave him the first time incidentally ) so I can only urge you to understand that a liar and a cheat will always be a liar and a cheat.
I expect no sympathy. I deserve none.

I feel for you OP.

Same happened to me, together twenty years.

I tried really hard to take him back and get over it, for the kids too. But he left, got caught, repeat to fade... I eventually finished it.

It’s been awful. I wish I’d just thrown him out when I first found out and he was seemingly regretful.

He’s now full of hatred towards me and blames me for everything. By chance I met someone new shortly after ex left and he is full of hate and bitterness towards me, despite the fact he left after numerous chances.

I was worn down and weak when I found out about the affair. But if I had my time over I’d end it immediately. It was fucking awful at the time, but should have done it.

I am currently wondering if mine is, and not knowing is driving me mad. I have these inner dialogues in my head where I imagine them making fun of me. I have no evidence, so perhaps I’m merely projecting my own feelings of complete lack of self-worth.

I found out the same thing OP 4 months ago after over 20 years of marriage. It’s agony. I don’t know why I haven’t walked away. I wish I had but I seem to be incapable of making a decision at the moment. Every day all day the thoughts about OW and what they did just go round and round in my head. It’s like being mad. They conducted their affair in my house so it all feels poisoned and spoiled. DH seems to think I should be over it by now. He’s bought me a car and a kitchen extension (both unasked for). He says he’s frustrated that I can’t move on.

Nora

I hope you aren't staying with him, his behaviour is shocking. He should be doing everything to support you, not buying you shit and telling you to get over it.
Don't let him buy his way out of it, he's just plainly cheating scum.

Oh Nora, that’s so awful. How insulting!!!

I would say that people I have known have had affairs / split up and then got back together and all good. Not easy during the time but if you are in a marriage for the long haul - sometimes people make mistakes. The longevity , yes , I would say sounds harder than a one night thing but it is a thing I believe if you both want to you can get over. BUT - I do not know the particular circumstances , so just wanted to post a view from the perspective of people I know who have come through this sort of thing & are now happy ( I really believe so - not me because i would have said but from what I can see - very very happy & all behind them ) It will obviously be your choice in the end and I do wish you well.

I really feel for you Eggid, as well as all of the others on here who have been through this hell.

I know all too well the visceral pain, confusion, loss, and anger that you are going through. Just under 4 months ago, I discovered that my H of almost 15 years had been having an online EA with a woman in another country for the previous 15 months. He is extremely remorseful and cannot really explain why he did it. He says that he doesn't recognize or like himself anymore because of what he has done.

I discovered messages on his old phone between them. It came out that they had shared porn, tales of her rampant sexual exploits and discussed pretty much every aspect of our lives in the 15 months they had been in touch. They had messaged almost every day - at work, when he was sat next to me on the sofa, he sent her photos from our holidays and texted her whilst he was next to me in our bed. I felt violated and betrayed by the one person I thought would never do anything to hurt me and our family.

I always swore that I would drop a cheater like a stone. I am a child born of an affair – my parents finally left their respective partners and became an official couple in my late teens. I know from growing up in a fractured family just how toxic infidelity and constant secrecy can be and the log-term impact it can have on all concerned.

In real terms, it hasn’t been very long for me and I’m still struggling to make sense of it all. Some days I feel moderately okay, some days I obsess about it – my feelings of inadequacy, imagining what actually went on between them, how the OW made him feel, the pain and loss of both the man I thought he was and of the future dreams I had of us together, the crippling shame of "how could this happen?" – other days it all just hits me like a hammer in the gut and I find it hard to put one foot in front of the other. It really has made me question everything, especially my own resilience and mental wellbeing.

We're still together, although in a markedly different relationship than before. Things that used to feel natural, like saying I love you, are hard for me to do. I know I do still love him but I don't feel ready to lower some walls just yet. I'm hoping that time and communicating with a more open and honest approach about how we're feeling (good and bad) will help us to build anew relationship, but it is bloody hard going.

I can't give you any answers or quick & easy fixes. I honestly wish I could but I simply don't think there are any in such situations. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in going through this and whatever happens in regard to your relationship going forward, you will survive it all.

the pain is awful isn’t it? 4 months in and I can’t get over that she was going to my house with him, watching tv, eating in my kitchen, using my bed, my shower everything. He says they just really liked each other and wanted to spend time together. She also worked for him so he was paying her salary as well.
Now he’s all “I know what I did was awful but it happened and I can’t take it back. All I can do is try and make it better somehow”
He gets upset if I ask him a question I’ve asked him before and I can see that being interrogated isn’t very nice but I just can’t help it.
I just want it all to stop.