If you found out your dh had had an affair for 16 months would you ...

[Eggid]

Throw him out? Even if he’s all you’ve ever known and you’ve been together for nearly 40 years? Even if he’s spent the 10 months since you found out doing all in his power to put things right?

Some days I want to kill myself. Some days I want to kill him. Most days I just don’t know what to do.

Please tell me what you would do given that we’ve been together since we were teenagers. Dc are all grown up and gone, and they don’t know anything.

Thank you.

@ScreamingLadySutch
@83PL
Brilliant posts!

What has your DH done and how has he behaved since D day?

This book is by a marriage counsellor with 30 years experience of hundreds of relationships blighted by an affair.

She lists out the 17 behaviours that the cheater needs to commit to 100% if there is even a chance of rebuilding. It is 100% the cheaters efforts post D Day that will determine where the relationship will head.

It is also on pdf if you want to google it.

“How to heal your spouse after your affair”.

It is really important that you process what has happened. You need to do this with a counsellor. Not processing it keeps you locked in the circular, ptsd-type intrusive thoughts that will erode you from the inside out.

Your marriage isn’t the same, your DH isn’t who you thought he was. It is all different now - accept that - detach and build your own identity, have counselling - watch his actions towards your relationships and in time it will become v clear what your next actions will be.

@ disagree
Polygamy (for example) may not work for most couples, but I don’t think “love” comes in a one size fits all size. Most people treat their partner like shit on occasion, it’s often considering the reason behind that action that is of most importance.

www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF

This is the link

Do you know what has happened to her? The OW? You live in the same village/town.... is she going to be a recurring theme in your life? Has she moved on? How did this happen anyway? Will he do it again? I would be obsessing about these things!!!

@Rubicon , I do think 'love' means different things to different people and I do think that many people do still love their partners in 'their' way whilst still doing these crappy devastating things. The fact its a pretty piss poor idea of what many of us see and expect as 'love' is true, however if it was the case that none of these people loved their partners in any way, I think it would be far easier for people to pick up that something was going on. So many women saw no change at all, until they read their phone, email, search history etc.--- and these people were going round day to day seeming as if they had loving relationships. I totally agree its an odd kind of 'love' that's prepared to risk a relationship for a bit of a buzz/sex/emotional connection (whatever) , but I have seen it so many times. The straight fact is people in most cases really don't think they will get caught.

I couldn't liev a normal life with someone who had had an affair for so long. My mind wouldn't be able to let it go no matter how much I loved them. Things would never be the same.
Good luck in whatever you decide OP.

There is NO WAY you will be able to move forward with him, unless you even the playing field.

He has had your virginity and long life fidelity at this point, whilst he has been dipping his penis in other(s). FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

You need a Shirley Valentine type holiday with some friends (and to be going out on lots of girly nights). He has broken your vows. It's only fair you can do the same. You've only ever slept with him. Oh dear. Time for some fun now, with no guilt I'd say.

I'd fuck off on holiday with friends and have a good old flirt with some lovely men, hey I might even shag a few. There's a veritable banquet of Penis out there. Don't reply to his messages, post fun pics on FB. For goodness sake, make him shit his pants that he's losing you.

Only once you have had your own fun, could you possibly get back together and make this work. Anything else leaves you completely on the back foot.

You never know, you might have sex with a new man, and realise that all of this time you've been married to a limp dick man?

Not saying any of this lightly. I left a 20 year marriage myself. Plenty more better endowed fish in the sea and all that.

TLDR : you need to make him sweat. What's good for the Goose is good for the Gander.

Wow OP - 40 years is a bloody long time.
Cheating is different for everyone.
For some it's a deal-breaker for others it is not.
It is for me but that doesn't me I'm right.
I think you need some space to think things through right now.
You will be in shock for a while.
Running on adrenalin.
And you are right - 16 months is bloody long time, to lie, deceive and disrespect the person you have committed your life to and someone you are supposed to love.
Take your time.
Get some head-space.
Look after yourself.
Keep reaching out to your friend.
You will make the decision that is right for you in the end.
But allow it all to sink in first.
(((((HUGS)))))

83PL, that sounds just like me😃.OP I am so sorry your husband has put you in this position. I forgave a ONS, but not sure I could forgive a long term affair. Like you and your husband we were two halves, totally emeshed (so I thought).

I was initially devastated, then up and down for 2 years, self esteem on the floor, then, like 83PL it stopped. If anything i am just disappointed by his weakness.

10 months in isn't that long. My advice is to have some individual counseling. Tell him straight you are still undecided, take loads of time for you, to find out who you are, to gain individual strength, then the decision may become clearer.

My relationship is not the same. It's still good😀

I don't know enough to advise on much but I wanted to say two things.

Firstly I would like to reiterate the idea of you having some counselling. If you have only had your best friend to talk to about this and have kept it all suppressed inside for ten months, no wonder you are obsessed and can't sleep. Look for a counsellor, make sure you feel you click with them and open your heart!

Also, I would imagine that over the last ten months you have changed in your behaviour towards your husband. I was just thinking that as your children don't know about it, they may see you and think you are being horrible to their dad and they won't know why. I think you should talk to your counsellor about possibly telling them. Otherwise it is all too much for you to keep inside. You may not want to but it would be awful if they thought badly of you.

I really wish you lots of luck and strength for the future. And remember, take your time with deciding what you want to do.

I agree with PP's that you need some time away from him to get a fresh perspective - could you have a holiday with the friend you've confided with, or stay with a close friend for a few days? You need to think about what you want without him around.

I also second counselling as it'll give you both a chance to talk about what happened in depth and help you decide how to move forward.

@user1479305498 I do think 'love' means different things to different people and I do think that many people do still love their partners in 'their' way whilst still doing these crappy devastating things. The fact its a pretty piss poor idea of what many of us see and expect as 'love' is true

They may love them 'in a way', but what I'm saying is that in my opinion, if you do that to your partner, then by definition you don't love them in the way you should. You don't really care about them, respect them, or feel close to them.

So many women saw no change at all, until they read their phone, email, search history etc.--- and these people were going round day to day seeming as if they had loving relationships.

I think 'seeming' is the key word there. I also think that most of the time people DO have an inkling that something is wrong, a niggling doubt.

The straight fact is people in most cases really don't think they will get caught.

I'm sure they don't. But I wouldn't cheat on my husband even if I knew absolutely 100% that I could do it without getting caught. Because what would be left of our relationship if I did that? How could i look him in the face, make plans with him, go to bed with him, hug him, comfort him, knowing that it was all a lie?

It's not only about love, it's also about respect. And that to me is a key part of a real loving relationship too.

When I was in my teens/early 20s I cheated once or twice in very minor ways, and even on those occasions, I felt absolutely appalling, didn't repeat the experience, and took it as a sign to end the relationship. I can't begin to imagine how someone could go through months or years of a marriage, as a proper adult, in that way.

16 months is a long term relationship. Not an accident.

For those 16 months he was lying to you with every breath he took.

That's not love, that's fucking cruelty.

His actions are destroying you, lovely. Is he sleeping at night? You bet your arse he is.

OP my friend opted to stay with her DH despite his 5 year affair. I was surprised and rather worried about that - I felt she would be better away from him. Five years later they are still together, her in a permanent state of bitterness and misery, him in a permanent state of guilt and fear (he was my friend first so I hear both sides). I so wish they had accepted that what he did was a death blow, and moved on. They will never get over it. I know that sounds harsh, but IMO staying together gave them continuity at the expense of any hope of happiness.

I think that an affair this long is very very difficult to recover from - especially when, as people say, it was found out rather than confessed.

I would find it hard to believe that there were no 'feeling's. He risked his marriage and he also 'dated' her for 16 months. Normally a 16 month relationship involves feelings doesn't it? I've had many relationships - I've never gone past a few months without real feeling involved.

So that would suggest he is lying to you - what has he got to gain by telling the truth? Have you considered contacting her to hear her side of it? If it was me I would want to know.

The thing that jumps out here is that you don't want time apart. I think that after such a long relationship it might be really beneficial for you to discover a sense of self that is not related to him.

so - ask him to go and stay somewhere else - do some unexpectedd things, go on some holidays , go and visit old friends, cry, laugh wtever you need to do.

If your relationship survives surely it's more likely to do so on a healthy basis if you are prepared to put yourself first.

At the moment he is like king of the castle - got to have his cake and eat it.

Basically - try to get into a situation where you are not staying with him out of fear. IF you were going to stay with him it would only work if it was LOVE underpinning the relationship - from both sides.

If you stay out of fear you will never be happy - sad but true - you will never relax and you will feel unhappy with yourself as well.

There is a whole world out there - I watched one of my parents spend years in misery after the relationship failed - I wish so much that parent had seen the truth - that the relationship was over and it was healthier to face that and move on.

I really feel for you Eggid 💐

I’ve been in a similar situation and I stayed.
It’s hard, it’s hard whether you leave or stay tbh. There’s no easy way around it, like a bereavement it won’t just go away, you have to weather the storm.

They won’t all follow ‘the script’. My DH minimised, to ease my pain and protect himself but his actions since the affair have surprised me as much as the affair did.

My life is good, I’m stronger than before the affair, the dynamics of our relationship have shifted and my life is better.

Many posters are saying they couldn’t stay. I would have said the same pre the affair. Like them, and you, I never believed he would do that.

No-one knows what they would do in any situation until they’re actually living it themselves. Hypothetical opinions are worth nothing.

We have never told our children or family. This will go with us to the grave.

You’ve said you don’t want him to spend time away from you because you don’t trust him. But if he wants to cheat again he will anyway.

S021 This is a big burden to take to the grave. I understand why you chose not to disclose. Once you tell you can never untell. When with friends you do not wish yours or your dh's infidelity to become the focus which is why we have not shared with friends. The truth is people would feel sad for you but very quickly move on with other matters in their lives. Infidelity only truly affects those directly involved.

I insisted dh informed his parents whom we see often and who I love to bits. I believed they had the right to know and to respect the fact that I chose to stay with him. Yes, it was selfish and definitely 'all about me' but I have no regrets.

What would I do? Show him what hell looks like. No way would I allow myself to be treated like that.

A one night stand quickie with a random, I might be able to get over possibly but not sure

A 16 month affair all that planned lying and disregard for your feelings. It wasn’t just sex
It wasn’t a spontaneous act
It was planned and calculated
Can someone really have an affair for 16 month if they love you? Look you in the eye everyday knowing what they are doing?

Faith50 I feel that telling our family and children would actually increase the burden.

P1nkheart

I wonder the same. Being caught in 'a moment' is very different to planning 16 month's of deception. I know people who have come through the other side.

I believe people are caught in a web and they just keep on going. Perhaps the OW/OM threatens to tell if they break it off.

S021 It has not added any extra burden for me. The first month or two after discovery I wanted to hide as I felt such shame. I realised I was carrying dh's shame which was not mine to own. I have since rid myself off this shame and dh is now left to carry it all alone as he should.

Opinions differ

I would trust my DH far less now if it had been a ‘caught in the moment’ ONS. Usually these people are serial cheaters.

Although long term affairs carry more deceit, there is usually a reason, not an excuse but a reason and identifying and understanding this and recognising when you’re potentially crossing that line, makes it far less likely to happen again.