If you found out your dh had had an affair for 16 months would you ...

[Eggid]

Throw him out? Even if he’s all you’ve ever known and you’ve been together for nearly 40 years? Even if he’s spent the 10 months since you found out doing all in his power to put things right?

Some days I want to kill myself. Some days I want to kill him. Most days I just don’t know what to do.

Please tell me what you would do given that we’ve been together since we were teenagers. Dc are all grown up and gone, and they don’t know anything.

Thank you.

Absolutely Faith! That’s how our relationship has always been. No-one knows about the affair.

However, there are many other things that go on behind closed doors. I have friends whose DHs belittle them, don’t like them going out with friends, limit their spending, gamble, drink too much, don’t pull their weight, etc etc.

We never know really

I also suspect many of them are having affairs tbh.

I think I get you a bit, @Isthebigwomanhere, in that I now have a different attitude towards my partner, too (though in my case this is a new partner, not the cheating ex). I concentrate more on doing my own thing, don't expect him to come with me, actively work on having my own friends and separate activities. We live apart and I don't rely on his help - e.g. when I moved, I sorted it all out myself; paid people to help carry furniture etc. I feel better about myself as a result. And I do think that he realises that I'm independent and feels like he has to make something of an effort to get my attention.

I don't know if I could only "not mind" sleeping with someone, though. I want to enjoy it. Not that I have to be all loved up with the guy, just that I want to want to have sex with him. Can't see the point of doing it at all, otherwise.

The emotional state and depression I experienced during and after my ex's affair also changed me, in that it was a time that felt really meaningful, raw and real. It made me want to be more genuine with the people around me and with myself. "Not caring" isn't good enough for me either, any more. I want to care. No more putting up with slightly shit stuff.

Norabloom That is a hell of a lot to forgive. They were acting as a couple in your home. I cannot believe they slept together in your bed. Absolutely right you should move. Being in your family home must be torture. Was ow a friend of a friend?

norabloom
Do you work nights?

It feels like cheating is an epidemic these days, it is so depressing. Why do people do it? All you have to do is glance at the relationship boards on here and there are sooo many threads by broken hearted people (mostly wives) whose husbands have had affairs. I know that wives also have affairs but I can only speak from my experience and I feel like a lot of husbands follow the same script: happy relationship, have kids, reality of responsibility kicks in, self pity follows, somebody other than their wife shows them some interest and gives them that thrill of the chase, cheating ensues and the reality of the line they have crossed only hits them when their spouse discovers their betrayal and they see how much pain they have caused - by which time it's too late and their marriage is wrecked. They are so caught up in the moment that they think the grass is greener - so foolish, it never is. It is the most selfish thing a person can do to another.

In my case we had huge issues with our dd from the age of 7 to 10 and she had night time separation anxiety which ended with her in our bed most nights and dh in the spare room - not my choice, I was powerless to prevent it and he ended up feeling very pushed out. It was not her fault but the situation caused so much upset, arguments etc and she could not be reasoned with or persuaded to sleep in her own bed, and so DH and I ended up being pushed apart, we had no privacy or time alone together. The stress of it made us both ill and our sex life suffered, we were desperately unhappy because of it (though not with each other), dd ended up having counselling. Every evening we were on eggshells. Only in the past 3 months has she started sleeping in her own room, thank God. But I think the situation was partly why he did what he did, though even now he can't articulate why he did it and says he doesn't understand it himself. It doesn't excuse it though - I was in the same boat as him and I didn't cheat on him - it never even occurred to me to do so.

I have even found myself wondering if a tendency to cheat is genetic. I wouldn't cheat, not in my nature (even now), and as far as I know nobody in my family has ever cheated on a partner - but in his small family ALL of the women on his mum's side have had affairs ( and been forgiven and gone on to have happy marriages/relationships without re-offending). It just makes me wonder.

Faith50 I don’t work nights but I was working away for some nights during the week.
OW and her husband both friends of me and DH. Not close friends of mine but they had stayed with us for weekends and I had cooked for them etc. She was always liking all my pictures on Instagram and also following my sons on Instagram.
She actually messaged me a photo of my husband and dog leaving work one day (she worked for DH) and called it ‘home soon after a long day’.
I will never forgive her.

norabloom She was close enough to stay in your home. I would only have very close friends staying over. Ow followed you and your son on social media to stay in the loop of your husband's movements.

Wow - she acted like a friend while sleeping with your husband behind your back. She went out of her way to have unnecessary contact with you.

You say you will never forgive ow and she is to blame but she did what your husband allowed her to. He gave her permission to enter your home. They could have met in a hotel, B&B anywhere but your home. How does he expect you to get over this?

I knew a colleague at work years ago who was having an affair - and her coffee room banter was when and how she was going to shag her AP in her marital bed. I think she got off on planning and the illicitness of it all - I remember discussions about it being from 11-12, concerns about the neighbours, putting the bedroom blinds down before / not raising them in the morning / leaving / arriving by the back gate ....... think it was all about power and they obviously needed the extra thrill of possibility getting caught to heighten their sexual arousal.

Faith50 I know he is equally to blame and I don’t forgive him. I did not know how he expects me to get over it. He’s very sorry and he’s trying to put it right but of course it can’t ever be put right.
It sickens me that they used my home and my bed and - now she’s scuttled off back to her husband as if she’s done nothing.

Does OW DH know about the affair?

clareisland How disgusting!

norabloom how are you coping being in your home on a daily basis? Like clareisland I too wondered if ow's husband is aware. How has she explained the fact that you can no longer meet as a foursome?

It is indeed. I was a young naive graduate listening to this drivel from my boss who was having an affair with another Sr Manager. Gross.

I don’t know how anybody could be so blatant as to go to the marital home of their affair partner. That seems like a whole other level of betrayal. Having said that, I know my dh regularly texted the ow when we were in the same room, or when I was upstairs, or when he was making our morning tea or when we were on holiday - you get the picture.

sunshine cake I agree totally with your post - the op needs help not orders

oh dear OP, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I was married a long time like you (from the age of 18) and although there was no infidelity (or so at least he says....), I have had to deal with the end of a marriage to someone I was with for my entire adult life, and who I expected to retire with and die with.

All I can say, is that it' s not the disaster you think it is. I've dated, I've fallen in love and I've grown stronger. It's great - I have a lovely life, great friends and am very relieved now that I got out.

I also got involved with a cheater since my marriage and thought I could cope with it. It's just impossible - the trust is gone, and the anxiety and misery just isn't worth it. The constant ruminations and doubts and lack of trust. My ex is with someone else and is still looking around. I think you can't chang e them, but can change yourself.

I would suggest you get counselling - on your own - you'll find invaluable. I'd also suggest you spend some time alone. How can you decide about your marriage if you have no space? Distance made it much clearer for me. It's no life if you can't trust him. Being alone is better than being in that situation, it really is. Good luck OP. Do get some counselling. Do confide in lots of people. It will only help you. Me? no I couldn't stay if someone had been unfaithful for that long. The lies are worse than the sex - deceit is just horrible.

Clareisland yes OW DH knows because I told him. OW expected to keep it quiet and carry on working for my husband and “stay friends”.
Her DH has done nothing about it as far as I can tell. He definitely knows (she’s lost her job for a starter) but they have told no one, just keeping their heads down. I even wonder if she’s done it before with his permission.my DH was paying her 1,000 pounds a week.

OMG Nora that’s horrific. If your DH was the follow the guidance in “How to heal your spouse after your affair” - he would owe you £££’s as one of the requirements is the spend the same or more on wife as was spent on OW.

Faith50, yes, he cheated twice. And then prostitutes too.

He called us in a panic one evening as SIL was about to give birth, but his OW was also pregnant, claiming it was his as her husband was infertile.

He tore his hair out but decided to wait it out. The OW’s DH is a different ethnicity, so at the birth they’d know. It was high risk as OW said her DH would kill her (and him) if it wasn’t his baby!

Turned out it was OW’s DH’s child after all.

After that, BIL played it safe by just going to prostitutes.

He confided in his brother (my DH), that is how I know.

It sounds worse than a soap opera.

Apparently all is forgiven now. They are very happy together, it seems.

Which just shows I don’t understand anything about other people’s relationships!

Norabloom The ow's husband has done well not to go for your dh particularly as you were friends. £1000 a week - clearly well above the going rate. No wonder ow wanted to retain her job. How did she think this arrangement would work once their affair was out in the open?

Chickeny It sounds like a soap opera. I wonder how on earth the couple managed to work through so much trauma.

Faith50 OW apparently thought their affair would never be revealed and I would never know she had been shagging in my bed.
One thing I found hard to accept is that she has the persona of a smiley, happy, sweet, sort of hippyish woman. So kind. She’d never be horrible to anyone. So it was hard for me to see she’d done this and think no one else would believe it of her.
I particularly hate the fact that she made a point of ‘following’ and being in second hand contact with my son who’s in the same industry as her and my husband,
She’s had thousands of pounds out of my husbands business. She even had a large Christmas bonus.
She told DH that she would always work for him and always be his special friend.

Norabloom So much deceit and betrayal. I would not be able to sleep in the room let alone the bed. People can play at being kind/nice. You do not truly know what their motives are. I find it so deceiving when someone stays close to you but is betraying you or secretly hates you. I can cope with people who make it clear they cannot stand me. It is those who would take me out to lunch, buy gifts or feign interest in my life whilst stabbing me in the back. They are dangerous people.

I don’t know how you ladies do it. Hats off to you and I genuinely hope you are OK. It would kill me to be with somebody who has done some of the things on here. Sending

I can sometimes understand why some women stay with cheating husbands. Some may find it too daunting to make a decision to leave and face the future, often with children, alone. There are many reasons why women stay. Or like some here who can make an independent life going out on their own and generally saying “like it or lump it - you made me this way by your actions- so get on with it so staying together can be tolerated.

What happens when........

The husband becomes ill, needs taking to hospital/doctor appointments.......

Becomes unable to work due to ill health and becomes querulous when you still want to go out alone to the many exciting events and interests you have carved out for yourself....

When you have to wash him and wIpe his bottom, organising commodes and disability aids for him...

When you become his carer....

Of course I am not saying all men end up sick and dependant but looking around my friends of my age - late sixties..... their husbands invariably have serious health issues - mental health ones too - and these men need “looking after” in various way - all resulting in relentless caring one way or another.

My husband was never unfaithful, he wasn’t that interested in sex... but he neglected me and my physical and emotional needs.

It does make me resentful at times that I now have to do almost everything for him now. I have to care for him when he didn’t care for me as I deserved.

Those who are broken hearted through infidelity please think of the bigger longer future picture.

I feel for you OP, the pain is awful and your emotions all over the place. The pain is almost physical isnt it? Only you know whether you can make peace with it or whether you think it will torment you and you break up further down the line... 16 months is a long time and he didnt tell you - you found out... Only you know if you think he is genuinely remorseful and wants to put things right. Take your time, get as much support from family and friends. Most of all be kind to yourself. Do things that make you feel good! Exercise helps enormously with emotional turmoil. Wishing you all the bestx