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Original poster

I think I just ended my marriage of only 10 months

122 replies

help17 · 03/09/2019 20:16

I need some advice and someone to talk to.

I think I just ended my marriage of only 10 months. Our sex life has been almost non existent due to medical reasons but he has options which he hasn’t done anything about and he has decided he is no longer ready for a baby. We had planned to start trying as soon as w married. He has constantly said in a couple of months and last night I’ve said we can think about it at the end of the year. I don’t believe him and think it’s just stalling again.

He goes out every weekend with his mates and I’ve had enough.

Last night the discussion got heated and I through up something from the past which he took very badly. He said I’m disgusting and basically that one thing I said is far worse than how he is making me feel. I asked to speak to him after work today but he was going to football. He still chose to go to football that try and work out our issues. I told him that since we married, football and ‘the boys’ have been more important to him than me or the plans we made together and even after telling him this, he still chooses football, so I told him to enjoy the boys and football and his single life. He said if that’s what I want then make it official.

Have I made a mistake?

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 03/09/2019 20:17

No. He sounds like a prat.m

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2019 20:19

I think ending it is a very wise decision. You are 100% wasting your time with him.

PickAChew · 03/09/2019 20:20

Nah. I think you've done yourself a massive favour.

AudTheDeepMinded · 03/09/2019 20:20

Erm, how long did you know him before you decided to get married?

Shouldbedoing · 03/09/2019 20:20

Sorry. That was brutal. But this isn't a row about whose turn it is to hoover, this is a fundamental lifestyle difference and he doesn't have you as number one even during the honeymoon period of your marriage. It is better to be alone than badly accompanied.

CarrieBlu · 03/09/2019 20:21

Nope, you haven’t. Leave and find someone who makes you happy and respects you.

MissConductUS · 03/09/2019 20:22

I'm confused about the lack of sex. If there are medical issues, how were you going to try to get pregnant as soon as you were married? Are they his issues or yours? And is he now stalling sex or just trying to get pregnant?

Regardless of the confusion, I think the lack of being on the same page about sex and children is part of why you're not getting along more generally.

RJoneszy · 03/09/2019 20:23

Why on earth are you married with all these underlying issues going on it seems? You are now legally bound... it's not the end of the world though. You have to do what's right for you. What do you want?

MrsEricBana · 03/09/2019 20:23

Yes sorry I agree you've done the right thing. Leave now and hopefully you'll end up with someone who's on the same page as you. Sorry though.

Raffles1981 · 03/09/2019 20:24

He has clearly lied to you. About lifestyle choices, about how he spends his time. OP, you would be mad to stay. This guy has duped you. Get out before you are writing about this in 10 years.

Original poster
help17 · 03/09/2019 20:27

He has issue from anti depressants so he has pills which counter that issue if you know what I mean, but I have to ask him to take them. I've tried explaining how unwanted that makes me feel but he says I need to stop pressuring him as it's making the issue worse.

If he takes the pills and we have sex there are no other (known) issues in trying for a baby but it's all the balls are in his count (bad pun I know).

We have been together 4 years. He had depression just before the wedding where we almost called it off. I just feel stupid now.

I do love him and most of the time we have a great relationship but these problems are becoming too much for me to ignore.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 03/09/2019 20:40

The antidepressants are probably reducing his libido as well as causing the ED or he'd be more motivated to do something about it.

There are lots of choices for antidepressant meds and some have fewer side effects than others, but unless he's willing to work with his doctor to try to change them it's not going to get better.

A lower dose may help as well if his doctor is okay with trying that.

SunshineCake · 03/09/2019 20:41

Believe me when I say this won't get better. I'd leave it for a couple of days until both of you have some breathing space then I would talk to him. Ask him if he's serious or tell him that that you are seriously considering divorce and see what he says. Don't fill the silence.

BettysLeftTentacle · 03/09/2019 20:46

He has issue from anti depressants so he has pills which counter that issue if you know what I mean, but I have to ask him to take them. I've tried explaining how unwanted that makes me feel but he says I need to stop pressuring him as it's making the issue worse.

It doesn’t work like that. He might have medication to ‘counter the issue’ but antidepressants don’t just affect the physical side of sex but the emotional side too. I’m short, they can make you feel like you just don’t feel the need. This issue isn’t about you in anyway and piling on the pressure and guilt will 100% make things worse, so YADBU on that front.

Whilst his mental health is so fragile, now is most definitely not the time for a trying for a baby. Sounds like you need to work on yourselves and your relationship before you even consider a child.

Honestly, if I was struggling with depression, being pressured for sex and nagged about having a baby, I’d want the marriage to end too.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2019 20:46

You're not stupid in any way, and beating yourself up is a terrible waste of emotional energy. You made a mistake in marrying him, but luckily that is a mistake you can rectify. I suggest you do so quickly, especially if you want to have a family in the future.

litterbird · 03/09/2019 20:47

Rather than throwing the towel in is there a way you both can get support to help him through the depression. Depression is an awful thing to have and can disrupt the mind and the body as you have witnessed. You have just got married and your husband is ill and needs your support and love. Men will always find it difficult to face issues especially the ones he has. Can I just ask you to be patient, try and support him through this awful time with depression and get some support for yourself. He is stalling as he is ill. Is there a reason you need to get pregnant so quickly?

Original poster
help17 · 03/09/2019 20:48

Thanks everyone.

Because my family and friends supported me just before the wedding I don't want to tell them we are in trouble again unless it's over. So I appreciate you all giving advice.

I've told him a few times that if things don't change I'll leave so I think he thinks I'm bluffing. But he either needs to step up and step up quick and realise I'm going to leave or I just do it. It kills me though as I do love this man when he isn't being an absolute selfish idiot

OP posts:
Raphael34 · 03/09/2019 20:52

It’s only been ten months. You have no sex life, he won’t fix your relationship, but he goes out on the piss with his mates every weekend and goes to football. It’s funny how his depression is only affecting anything to do with you. I wouldn’t give this marriage much longer.

BettysLeftTentacle · 03/09/2019 20:54

He’s selfish for prioritising his friends and football over your marriage, yes.

But he’s not selfish for having depression, not wanting a baby before he is ready and not wanting to have sex.

You both have a lot of work to here.

Original poster
help17 · 03/09/2019 21:01

I absolutely would not be talking babies if he wasn't in a good place. He finally said last night that the reason he doesn't want one just now is because he is in a good place. I said I understood that but I wasn't happy with him saying we will talk about it at the end of the year as he keeps moving that goal post with no discussion with me. I asked could we start trying at the end of the year and he said no!

I'm pleased he is in a good place. It was a dark place for us both when he was in the depths of depression. I just don't like being made to feel the way he is making me. It's like he is only happy because he is out with the boys and has changed his mind about our life plans which we made together but without discussing it with me.

I'm 32, he is 33. I know we still have time but I don't like that he is just pushing it back every time we talk about it

OP posts:
Sorrysorrysosorry · 03/09/2019 21:02

I agree with BettysLeftTentacle

BettysLeftTentacle · 03/09/2019 21:04

It’s not fair that he’s stringing you along, you’re right. And it’s shitty that he’s done it after getting married. Honestly though, I don’t think there’s anything you can do about that. He’s already given you his answer.

june2007 · 03/09/2019 21:16

He is allowed to go to football. Depression is difficult and pills have side effects. (I too have a hubby on them.) Instead of rowing. Talk together about your future. It seems you want the baby more then your marriage. I think concentrate on your marriage and bring baby up again in a few months.

carly2803 · 03/09/2019 21:17

your 32? get out now. you still have time to meet someone and have children.

you will be here at42 and it may be too late if you keep stalling

from experience - life is too short.

Original poster
help17 · 03/09/2019 21:22

@june2007 I agree but football 3/4 times a week plus every Saturday night with the boys!
We have tried talking but he is not open to compromise at all.

I'll be honest having children means a lot to me and he knows what. we spoke about it even before we got engaged. Would I give up my marriage for it. I honestly don't know. Would I leave my marriage for feeling walked over and not an equal partner, yes

OP posts:
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