I think I just ended my marriage of only 10 months

[help17]

I need some advice and someone to talk to.

I think I just ended my marriage of only 10 months. Our sex life has been almost non existent due to medical reasons but he has options which he hasn’t done anything about and he has decided he is no longer ready for a baby. We had planned to start trying as soon as w married. He has constantly said in a couple of months and last night I’ve said we can think about it at the end of the year. I don’t believe him and think it’s just stalling again.

He goes out every weekend with his mates and I’ve had enough.

Last night the discussion got heated and I through up something from the past which he took very badly. He said I’m disgusting and basically that one thing I said is far worse than how he is making me feel. I asked to speak to him after work today but he was going to football. He still chose to go to football that try and work out our issues. I told him that since we married, football and ‘the boys’ have been more important to him than me or the plans we made together and even after telling him this, he still chooses football, so I told him to enjoy the boys and football and his single life. He said if that’s what I want then make it official.

Have I made a mistake?

I have a friend who left her husband during their honeymoon. They just weren't right for each other and actually being legally bound to each other seemed to bring that right to the front of her mind.

A month later she met her now-husband and had a baby very quickly. Her ex has only now, 12 years later, settled down to have children.

You're not on the same page. You could feel happy and loved and be on the same page as a different guy. Don't waste your 30s on a manchild!

He has made it clear the boys and football are a priority for him not you.
I know what I would do.

That 'dude' is telling her to do what she wants, 'make it official' - unpleasant at best

Do you not think it's unpleasant that the op has threatened to end the marriage several times already? If she was serious on the previous occasions why didn't she follow through? Or were they just empty threats intended to manipulate her DH? Maybe that's why, on this occasion, he has called her bluff by saying "make it official"?

Do you not think it's unpleasant that the op has threatened to end the marriage several times already? What is she supposed to do? Pack him a pleasant snack to take with him?

He has refused to talk about havng children, brushed her off with vague answers; refuses to discuss anything else, prefers to go out with his freinds, and is generally making her feel unloved and unimportant.

That she has issued an ultimatum so soon might be because she has reached the end of her tether! If he thinks she is bluffing he may be in for an unpleasant surprise . As do many people who take their partners for granted!

Maybe she is now at the point where she feels strong enough for it not to be an emoty threat.

Maybe we can see it from both sides and STILL OP will have every right to end their marriage!

OP, make it official. It's over.

Move on and don't look back.

31CuriousaboutSamphire

No, issuing 1 ultimatum is fair enough. Issuing repeated ultimatums isn't. What is she hoping to achieve by threatening to leave on previous occasions? Was it a way to control the dialogue or shut him down?

And truly I think he's out all the time because she's pressuring him to have sex and to have a child.

Flip the sexes and no one would be telling a woman that she should be having sex with her husband and having a baby when he wants one because that is what they discussed 10 months ago would they?

He doesn't owe her sex. For whatever reason he can't do what the op wants so she needs to decide if this is a deal breaker. If it is then a mature discussion needs to be had about ending the marriage not just her issuing empty threats in an attempt to get him to agree to what she wants.

Thank you everyone for your comments and views. It is good for me to hear all thoughts.

Just to clarify a few things. He is no longer on AD's and hasn't been for over 7 months. He is in a good place now.

The every weekend with the boys and football 3/4 times a week started after we married. Before he would play football twice a week and we would spend time together.

We have had sex twice since we got married! I don't nag but I have asked him more now if he thinks sex could be on the cards.

I also don't nag about a baby. I bring it up at the points he says. So in April he said a couple of months. I spoke to him in June. In June he said a couple of months so I spoke to him the other night. Now he is saying we will talk about it at the end of the year.

If he has changed his mind that is absolutely his decision but I deserve to be told that so I can make the right choice for me

Lots of men are deeply afraid of fatherhood. They perceive it as a loss of freedom, a turning point on the road to old age. I think he might be avoiding sex as a way of forestalling fatherhood.

OP, how was the sex at the beginning, say the first year of your relationship? Was he struggling with depression then too?

I think he's being passive-aggressive, he's behaving badly in the hopes that you will step up and take control and end things, he wants it to be your fault and not his fault so that he can claim all the sympathy because his wife left him.

Also, next time, don't choose a guy who is only 1 year older than you. They will not have the same biological imperative. You need to aim at least 6-10 years older for them to settle down (especially when it comes to millennials).

I don't think chronological age has too much to do with it - emotional maturity and empathy are much more important. My DH is three and a half years younger than me and wasn't afraid to marry me in his late 20s. He was also not afraid to start a family a couple of years later.

*You made vows less than 12 months ago which I assume mentioned something about for better or worse and in sickness and in health.

Vows for sickness and in health, not selfishness and fuckwittery.*

This ^

I hate it that people feel they out to remain shackled to a marriage that has gone poisonous. Why ? Relationships end when trust is broken, married or not married.

Oh, and for people quoting the marriage service as a stick to beat OP with, how about, 'with my body, I thee honour.'

The OP's husband is getting away with far to much. He KNOWS she wants a baby. He keeps putting her off. What's that about ?

Meanwhile, she does everything as normal. OP, stop facilitating him.

He chooses football and his mates over you, yep you married a bloke there op.

*What is she hoping to achieve by threatening to leave on previous occasions? Was it a way to control the dialogue or shut him down?

And truly I think he's out all the time because she's pressuring him to have sex and to have a child.

Flip the sexes and no one would be telling a woman that she should be having sex with her husband and having a baby when he wants one because that is what they discussed 10 months ago would they?

He doesn't owe her sex. For whatever reason he can't do what the op wants so she needs to decide if this is a deal breaker. If it is then a mature discussion needs to be had about ending the marriage not just her issuing empty threats in an attempt to get him to agree to what she wants.*

So she just puts up and shuts up, right ? I guess you would put her in a scolds bridle if this were medieval times.

Is your post from a male perspective ?

@timshelthechoice

Yep, like hanging out with your mates all week. hmm

Well yes, if he perceives the root cause of his poor mental state is the pressure he feels at home. Seems rather elementary, no?

@DecomposingComposers

Well said.

@Annasgirl

I've also suffered lifelong with Depression, also work in mental health, and if you do too, you'll know fine that people who suffer Depression are as much a disparate bunch as any random cross section of humanity you care to name. There are no hard and fast rules about how depressed people behave, and reckless, disinhibited, and irresponsible behaviours are as common as reclusive, introverted, and benign. It's perfectly feasible for someone depressed to be out partying 24/7 as a means to try and cope with their depression, even though that behaviour is going to inevitably be a factor in their poor mental state and likely to exacerbate interpersonal relationship problems, employment issues, poor physical health etc. Been there, seen that, got the teeshirt.

Anyway, the OP has updated and circumstances are more clear now.

His behaviour towards you has been appalling, OP. He's stringing you along re having babies. Fair enough that he's in a good place and he wants to carry on as is right now, but he doesn't have to treat you like shit in the process. Also, I don't know any other married dads (or mums for that matter) who spend around 4 nights a week away from their spouses and kids. That just doesn't seem likely at all. As someome else mentioned upthread, you need to do some digging. I would get out while you can and meet someone else who has the same life goals as you. Good luck.

@help17

Your last post reads like you've really gotten things straight in your own mind.

I'd agree that if he's 'in a good place' as you say, then his behaviour clearly isn't about his illness, and is either deliberately avoidant of you because of his lack of interest in sex, or because he has reservations about becoming a father, or because he simply enjoys spending time messing around with his mates more than he enjoys spending time with his partner.

Either way, I think you're perfectly entitled to expect a full and frank conversation with him about the issue, and if he either won't talk about it, or fobs you off with an answer you're not happy with, I think you then have all you need to know about him to make a decision on the future of your relationship.

Good luck!

I think a big sit down,and talk about everything discussion is needed here. You really need to know his absolute true feelings about your life together, and the important issue about a baby.

I don't know if he is the type of man who would open up big time, so as to ease your problems with him. but hope so anyway.

@05ToEarlyForDecorations

No of course she shouldn't put up and shut up but the op said herself that he probably doesn't take her threat to leave seriously as she has said it before. Imo, you don't say you are going to leave unless you mean it. Don't say it simply as a way of trying to control your partner by threatening to leave unless they give in to you.

None of us know what is going on in this relationship. Maybe the DH does want children but just not this early on in the marriage and not this soon after his recovery from depression. Maybe he is afraid that he becomes depressed again but this time with the added pressure of a baby as well. Maybe he did mean it when he said that he wants children but now it seems very real and he is changing his mind? Who knows. I've read threads on here from women who have just found out they are pregnant after TTC and now realise that they don't want to continue with the pregnancy, so it isn't just men who change their mind.

What is needed is some honest communication but for some reason that isn't happening. None of us here can know the reason for that.

And no, I am not a man, to answer your question.

I don’t know what kind of frank conversation could it be ? OP’s husband told her clearly “make it official “. It sounded for me like apart from official side he’s checked out of his marriage already. He’s feeling better, enjoying life, out with his mates most of the time, not interested in spending time with OP, not interested in her sexually. Some PP said that he’s afraid of fatherhood hence avoiding sex. He doesn’t avoid unprotected sex he isn’t interested in sex with OP altogether. And all these just after they got married and while “in good place”.
OP, you both clearly moved on in different directions. It’s not your fault at all. Just do what’s better for you.

I agree with Greenlynx. It sounds like your DH is avoiding you and wants to be single.
Take control and tell him you don't want to be in a marriage like this.

Sorry I have just reread your Op and you've already done that.
In answer to your original question: No you haven't made a mistake as his behaviour hasn't changed since the row.
Hope you can talk to someone in real life.

Why are you asking him about a baby when he's not even home half the time? Do you honestly think a baby will fix things? It won't.