I think I just ended my marriage of only 10 months

[help17]

I need some advice and someone to talk to.

I think I just ended my marriage of only 10 months. Our sex life has been almost non existent due to medical reasons but he has options which he hasn’t done anything about and he has decided he is no longer ready for a baby. We had planned to start trying as soon as w married. He has constantly said in a couple of months and last night I’ve said we can think about it at the end of the year. I don’t believe him and think it’s just stalling again.

He goes out every weekend with his mates and I’ve had enough.

Last night the discussion got heated and I through up something from the past which he took very badly. He said I’m disgusting and basically that one thing I said is far worse than how he is making me feel. I asked to speak to him after work today but he was going to football. He still chose to go to football that try and work out our issues. I told him that since we married, football and ‘the boys’ have been more important to him than me or the plans we made together and even after telling him this, he still chooses football, so I told him to enjoy the boys and football and his single life. He said if that’s what I want then make it official.

Have I made a mistake?

You could still make it work but you need to have a serious talk with him, and either he respects your wishes that he agreed to before your marriage or you will need to figure out your next steps. I hope it works out for you.

What point in life are your friends at?

There was a similar thread recently where it was clear the DH was only happy to be a parent when his mates were starting that stage in their lives. Could that be causing his reluctance?

Depression affects libido yes, but it doesn't stop you wanting to spend time with your partner. It doesn't suddenly turn you into a selfish arsehole who can't even have a civilised discussion about your partner's feelings and needs, and rather go out drinking with your mates.

OP, I know depression can be hell, but he's walking all over you and doesn't seem to care. I'd get out now if I were you, instead of writing a thread on here 10 years down the line about how you feel you've wasted all this time on him and you're now too old for children/have depression yourself/feel worthless etc etc etc.

@CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt he is literally the only one of his friends without kids.

Give up your marriage because he's shit father material, and even before that, he's shit husband material - doesn't sound like you're his priority. I know kids are important to you, but you will forever be tied to this manchild if you have kids with him. Find someone else who is 100% on the same path as you and is trustworthy and reliable. You owe it to your future children as well as yourself.

All the talks in the world, which I'm sure you've already had, cannot make a person grow the fuck up and own their issues and behave like an adult.

Mine did much the same as yours.

We ended it after 7 months of marriage. I was surprised and devastated but two years on I can say it was for the best. At 32 I'd be worried about him constantly moving the goal posts and running out of time to find someone to have a family with. At 33, he doesn't have those same concerns.

He goes out every weekend with his mates and I’ve had enough.

football 3/4 times a week plus every Saturday night with the boys

I couldn't live with that. I'm surprised its him that depressed, not you. At least you haven't had a baby with him. Do you really want to be tied to a man who comes up with excuses for making you feel bad?

He isn't bothered enough about you to do stuff to make you happy. Everything he does wrong, he will have the excuse of the depression, so you will have to make yourself unhappy because of it.

There are plenty of men out there who are fun to be with. Leave and choose one of them to have your babies with.

He seems to be enjoying life with his mates, just the way a young single man would and in doing so he is ignoring/delaying the actual responsibilities of being an adult.
It seems like you’ve got a teenage housemate who is doing what’s best for them (saying what you want to hear then not following through?) and not respecting your needs as an equal partner, (going off sulking and sticking his head in the sand by playing out with his mates rather than having an adult conversation) in addition to putting off responsibility (children).
Has he received any counselling? Might be worth him exploring why he has regressed to this teenage-like attitude (assuming he wasn’t out this often/acting so immaturely before you got married), and maybe the result of this would help you both understand if he is going to ever grow back up or not.

Cut your losses. You don't want to always tiptoe around his depression and issues. What sort of life is that for you?

Leave now (first time I've ever said that on here).

When I was 20 I met The One. We chatted about our planned future. We both wanted marriage and 3 children.

We eventually got engaged but the wedding was always something that was "not now", "not the right time" or "can't afford it". The same thing for those planned children.

Roll on until I'm 37. I discover I need IVF treatment to conceive. I basically had to tell him it's now or never and he grumpily agreed (I was fully prepared to leave him at this point and told him that so yeah, I bullied him).

I'm now 45 and with a man I absolutely have zero affection for because he constantly lied to me, shifted the goal posts. I can't shake the feeling that if we started trying for a child when I was younger I wouldn't have had to go through invasive fertility tests, 7 rounds of Clomid and 2 rounds of IVF.

Oh and my OH, he declares to everyone "being a Dad is great, I wish I'd done it sooner". Fucker.

Don't be like me, get out and get the life you want now don't wait for people to change, they won't.

My DH went through something similar in the first year of marriage.....you should know that antidepressants nuke his sperm - his doctor swore blind to me our infertility issues weren't connected to them but he had tests done which came back really bad.....6 months after eventually coming off the pills he was retested and his results were completely back to normal and we got pregnant

Woobeedoo

You didn't bully him, from what I read, he was bullying you. I'm glad you got your family though.

He doesn’t really care about how you feel or what you want does he?

If he had awful depression, surely he wouldn’t manage football three times a week and going on the piss EVERY weekend. He just doesn’t see you as a priority does he?

I think that you are right to leave, is an annulment possible?

You are still young enough to meet someone who will want to have sex with you, who will prioritise you over their mates and getting pissed every weekend. It really doesn’t sound like he wants to be with you, or to have kids. You deserve better!

I suspect he’s distancing himself from you because he’s embarrassed about impotence etc. I think you need an honest conversation, and some counselling. If not, I think you should find someone else if you want children.

I agree with PP usually it's made perfectly
Clear you mustn't drink whilst
On antidepressants as the side effects are awful - my DH found that out pretty quick so perhaps he's spinning you a bit of a tale here

Frankly, you'd be made to have a baby / babies with him.

He doesn't want them, that's obvious.

He has no intention of looking after one: football 3/4 nights per week plus Saturdays. Weekends with the boys instead of with you. Every weekend.

You would be left with a baby on your own.

Get rid and find someone who wants to commit to you and having a family and being there for it.

Shame you can't get an annulment; he really has moved the goalposts on the whole marriage/family vision you thought you had with him going in.

If you flip the situation around to the OP having depression, going out with the girls to self-medicate and cheer herself up and the bloke just wants kids and to tie her down...

If you still love him, (and he still loves you) talk to him and both of you agree to try or go your separate ways, don't let others make this very important decision for you on social media.

I would get out now. Imagine if he agreed to have a baby just to please you; he will most likely still hang out with his mates 3/4 times a week and every Saturday night. People don't generally change for the better so the last thing I would want if I was you would be to have a child with him.

Does he drink alcohol when he goes out to football or with his mates?

He doesn’t want sex because he doesn’t want a baby at the moment. You’ve only been married 5 minutes, have some decent time together for goodness sake. Your body clock might be beeping loudly but forcing him to keep up with it will either give you what you have now - him fucking off to get away from you pressuring him, or you get your way but he’s an unhelpful, resentful dad.

Sometimes people need to step back. He’s not prioritising his mates, HE DOES NOT WANT A BABY NOW. If this is a dealbreaker, move on. If not, both of you grow up and respect each other.

He has issue from anti depressants so he has pills which counter that issue if you know what I mean, but I have to ask him to take them. I've tried explaining how unwanted that makes me feel but he says I need to stop pressuring him as it's making the issue worse.

If this was the other way around and a man was telling a woman how unwanted he felt that she wasn't able to have sex everyone would be telling the woman to LTB. He's telling you you're pressuring him into having sex, it's no wonder he doesn't want to spend time with you when you're treating him like a piece of meat.

I think you've done the right thing. If you did have a baby you'd be left holding it while he went out anyway.

June2007 and Yomama Got any more spectacularly off target and flat out wrong advice? Yomama couldn't find any more original troll name?

Baffling that it's 2019 and so many people still seem to think that a person can't be genuinely suffering with depression unless they're unable to get out of bed, or sitting in a corner rocking back and forward and sobbing quietly.

If the OP's DH is depressed, and he's feeling stressed and anxious about her pressuring him for sex in order to conceive, especially when he's already suffering from poor libido and quite possibly ED, is it any bloody wonder his spidey senses are telling him to run, avoid his DW, and go out enjoying himself in a no pressure setting with his mates?

Contrary to popular MN narrative, it is entirely possible to be in the grip of a crushing depression, AND still feel like doing certain activities, even if they're quite possibly a driving factor in your depression in the first place.

Sure, if he genuinely has any interest in recovering then he needs to go back to his GP, explain that the AntiD's are having a catastrophic effect on his relationship due to the side-effects, and seek an alternative, and yes, he is being irresponsible and unfair to OP by refusing to discuss this, but hello????? Depressed people are irrational and unfair, it's part and parcel of living with Depression. Brow-beating him, calling him all the F's and B's under the sun does nothing to help the situation. He needs to realise the effects of his depression himself, and understand that it's necessary for him to recover. Only time, patience, and encouragement will do that.

Perfectly reasonable for OP to end the relationship under the circumstances, but the number of times there are similar posts on here which result in a slew of 'Depressed..... yeah, sure, lol' replies is sickening. Is it any wonder men are so reluctant to discuss mental health when everything is met with a volley of cynicism.