I think I just ended my marriage of only 10 months

[help17]

I need some advice and someone to talk to.

I think I just ended my marriage of only 10 months. Our sex life has been almost non existent due to medical reasons but he has options which he hasn’t done anything about and he has decided he is no longer ready for a baby. We had planned to start trying as soon as w married. He has constantly said in a couple of months and last night I’ve said we can think about it at the end of the year. I don’t believe him and think it’s just stalling again.

He goes out every weekend with his mates and I’ve had enough.

Last night the discussion got heated and I through up something from the past which he took very badly. He said I’m disgusting and basically that one thing I said is far worse than how he is making me feel. I asked to speak to him after work today but he was going to football. He still chose to go to football that try and work out our issues. I told him that since we married, football and ‘the boys’ have been more important to him than me or the plans we made together and even after telling him this, he still chooses football, so I told him to enjoy the boys and football and his single life. He said if that’s what I want then make it official.

Have I made a mistake?

He’s out every weekend with his mates!!?? I’d be ending it for that reason alone let alone all the other stuff. What a miserable marriage. What’s the point? Seriously? He’s out EVERY weekend. Why on earth did he get married? Is it just to have someone to do his housework? Is that what’s happening? He’s off having a blast like a teenager every weekend while you sit at home waiting for him or washing/ironing? I bet he’s having a right laugh at your expense. The fact is that’s not on. If he’s like this now, at a time when you’re supposed to be super loved up then what does that tell you? When me and my husband got married I don’t think we went out at all for a year because we couldn’t get enough of each other! You’ve been robbed of that “honeymoon period” that’s really really sad. Don’t you want that? He’s cheating you out of all of that stuff. You deserve better. Nobody’s saying he can’t go out but come on. This shit isn’t going to fly. Don’t be a mug. Dump swiftly and move on while you still have a fertility window. Don’t give up dreams of a family for somebody who puts mates/football above you. Listen to your gut. Get yourself a solicitor and get this annulled. Come back in a couple of years and tell us al about your wonderfully doting husband and baby on the way and how much you’re glad you took control of your life and went for what you want

He’s out every weekend with his mates!!??

AND 3/4 times in the week. He is loving his life with his MATES, not you op. Sounds like he's not ready to "settle down" and adult at all. A baby is the last thing he probably wants, because it would mean he wouldn't see his precious mates/play his precious football to the degree that he does. Men can continually move the goal post re kids because they have decades where they can still have children! Even if you were to start trying right now with him, it's not a magic instant event, sometimes it can take years more to conceive, and obviously gets harder to do as we approach our 40s. I would say if having a child means that much to you, and you're both not on the same page about this, you need to make a decision based on that alone.

I do not believe he sounds depressed. Yes I agree with others that you can be depressed and want to go out with your mates but ...nah! Depression is just that. You don't want to do anything much and football would be the last thing you would want or are even capable of in my view.
I think he is stalling for time and playing you OP but even if he were not, do you really want kids with someone that doesn't listen and that is when is is actually at home.
Follow through on your threat and leave. He sounds like a passive abuser.

Hi OP are you actually having any sex at all. Is he manipulating you this way so as you can’t get pregnant.
Could he be gay and your “ his beard”
He clearly clearly doesn’t want children. He’s lying to you.
A married man going out 4 nights a week and every Saturday with his mates? Are all the other women putting up with this - do you really know this is what he’s doing every Saturday.
You need to start digging - carefully that is.
I really hope you are not sat at home whilst he’s out and that you have things to occupy yourself away from the house.
Tell your family - there is no shame.

EKGEMS I am not a troll I have been on mn for years. I like my name! And I am allowed to have my own view of what constitutes good advice. I personally wouldn't dump my dh because he is suffering from depression and finding life difficult. Once he (fingers crossed) comes through the depression he may view things differently and be ready for children.
I just think people give up on marriage far too easily nowadays, what is the point of saying the vows of you don't believe them??

Contrary to popular MN narrative, it is entirely possible to be in the grip of a crushing depression, AND still feel like doing certain activities, even if they're quite possibly a driving factor in your depression in the first place.

Yep, like hanging out with your mates all week.

Also, next time, don't choose a guy who is only 1 year older than you. They will not have the same biological imperative. You need to aim at least 6-10 years older for them to settle down (especially when it comes to millennials).

How has no one called bullshit on this little gem? My DH is 4 years younger than me and absolutely on the same page, hence our 2 lovely children, and he's gasp a millennial!

OP, I'm of two minds about this. The first year is often rough for couples, even ones who've been together a long time.

If he is genuinely depressed (lord knows I went out on the piss nightly when I was at my worse and spent hours at the gym everyday, depression is not a one size fits all type of thing) then of course he doesn't want a baby right now.

If he's just changing goal posts, well, that's his right, you can't force someone to have a baby if they don't want to. But if that's the case he needs to be honest with you.

Do you think he'd do couples counseling?

I'm guessing he went out to football 3/4 times a week before his depression took hold? If so and you married him hoping he'd change, sorry but you have no chance. Otherwise if this footie obsession has only just started is he just trying to get away from the pressure you're putting him under to have a baby? Either way I think you'd be foolish to bring a baby into this situation.

My friend married a man child who prioritised football and his mates over her (he was in his 30s as well) - it was indicative of his general attitude to life rather than the football itself being the issue. She divorced him and is happy with someone else now, meanwhile he's still not grown up.

So he’s been struggling with his mental health and is now, after some time, feeling like he’s in a good place so is getting out and about to see friends and exercise. How is this a bad thing?

He wants to enjoy being in a good place and make sure it’s a stable state before making a drastic and life changing decision like having a child. I don’t see how this is a bad thing either.

I think you’re being unfair to put pressure on him. What will be the benefit in forcing him into having the conversation and agreeing to have a child when he’s not ready?

You’re at different stages. It’s unfair for either of you to have to compromise but it’s necessary if you want to stay together.

I wanted to pipe up and hope I'm not now lost in the noise OP.

I think you've received some AWFUL advice in this thread. In fact I'd go as far as to say some of it is disgusting.

You made vows less than 12 months ago which I assume mentioned something about for better or worse and in sickness and in health. This is for worse, this is in sickness and yes, it's happened at the beginning of the marriage but that doesn't matter. You promised to stand by him and now you are turning your back.

Your husband has depression, he's obviously struggling and between the two of you I'd expect some real hard work going into resolving it.

Of course he needs to wake up, he needs to do something and if not then yes, there may come a point where you simply realise you aren't compatible, imo there is no way you can reach that point in less than a year when one of you is suffering from poor mental health.

Treat your husband how you would like to be treated if you were him. If you were depressed and he was bothering you for sex and a baby and threatening to leave multiple times in the first year of marriage how would you feel? Would it make you want to spend time resolving it?

A big part of me thinks he'd be better off without you but I still believe you owe it to each other to work on your marriage. They aren't easy and if you went in expecting it to be then you were always setting yourself up for this issue.

You made vows less than 12 months ago which I assume mentioned something about for better or worse and in sickness and in health. This is for worse, this is in sickness and yes, it's happened at the beginning of the marriage but that doesn't matter. You promised to stand by him and now you are turning your back.

Oh, bullshit! First of all, we have no idea if they even said that, they may have had a civil wedding where none of that is required. Secondly, he's not 'loving, honouring and cherishing' her if he's running off to spend most of his free time playing footie and with his mates.

He isn't owning his illness but using it to buy time to do things as he pleases. So the OP sacrifices her fertility for his issues.

A lot more women would be far better off in life if they stopped attaching so much significance to social conditioning to them to be nicey nice at the expense of themselves.

As pointed out, there are threads on here weekly from women who tie themselves in knots and compromise their entire lives due to their h's 'mental health' that he does nothing about other than allowing it to dominate both their lives or uses it to stall and do things his way.

Your husband has depression, he's obviously struggling and between the two of you I'd expect some real hard work going into resolving it.

Yes like going to footy and hanging out with mates every weekend. He's working hard.

Fuck the op's happiness and mental health though right? His is the only one that matters.

You made vows less than 12 months ago which I assume mentioned something about for better or worse and in sickness and in health.

Vows for sickness and in health, not selfishness and fuckwittery.

WOW, when I opened this thread I didn't realised I had time travelled back to the 1950's. So he is supposed to be supported by his wife in spite of the fact that he is ignoring her to spend time with his friends - and they are just married.

OP, this is not going to improve. He is selfish - I have had depression and I work in mental health and depression causes people to do terrible things but not to ignore their new wife and to go out every weekend on the town with their friends and leave their wife alone.

And as for in sickness and in health - really? He has been selfish and manipulative of the OP and now wants to move the goalposts on children for her - and as we all know when we get older and wiser, these men, in the main, never, ever consider the biological timeframe of a woman in her 30's who wants to have children.

Whilst I have no doubt he struggled with his depression last year, I think it is now a very weird type of depression whereby he’s only depressed with the OP and has enough get up and go to be got up and gone at least 4x/week! That doesn’t ring true to me. He doesn’t consider OP at all and is behaving like a selfish twat. But OP you also need to consider yourself and decide what you want and what you need and work from there, but do not be afraid to leave as I don’t think he is going to change any time soon.

I was going to the gym five times a week and regularly drank with my friends when I had my breakdown, the gym particularly helped me, especially afterwards as it gave me a reason to get out of bed.

I would question if this is all new stuff he's doing, but I cannot agree with people that say he isn't showing signs of depression.

If the op were a man saying that he was pestering his wife to have sex and a baby despite her being depressed, on ADs and having lost her libido and moaning that she was out with friends 4 times a week everyone would blame the op and say his wife should leave and that she was clearly trying to escape the pressure to have sex by never being at home.

I dont usually agree when people argue that if the OP was a male there would be the polar opposite response but in this case it’s totally true.

And PPs are right, the fact he’s going out with his mates and playing football all the time sidestep to me that he’s using his hobbies as a form of escapism when you factor in he’s been badly depressed in the last year.

People on this thread are another fine example of how we haven’t moved along at all when it comes to understanding depression.

Sidestep = suggest

This is why I say to go for an older guy

"But now scientists have discovered for the first time that their [girls] brains can develop up to ten years earlier than boys."

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/10529134/Girls-really-do-mature-quicker-than-boys-scientists-find.html

Yes, there are exceptions to this. But generally it's much harder these days to get younger men to settle down and have the same priorities when it comes to having a family. Our instant gratification world has played a large part of this in millennials who grew up with internet and social media. An older man has usually got that out of his system and is looking for a younger woman to have children with. It might not always be the case, but generally IMO older men are more stable (financially and emotionally) to have a family with than younger ones.

The brain is a bit like the bible, scientists study it and interpret what they see in the light of their own preferences and beliefs
I wonder why young men are so reluctant these days to settle down and have children?
Imo they are just responding to incentives...now that women (and increasingly society as a whole) expect them to do their fair share of the work involved it doesnt look like a very attractive option,

So he's on medication for depression and you think that's a good time for a baby? The dude has depression so bad he has to be on meds! Just because the medication has stabilised it, doesn't mean he is better.
By all means marry someone if you love them and want to fight the fight with them, but don't bring kids into that. Sounds like he is the one thinking clearly here.

Not to say he just doesn't want kids of course and the stalling without being straight with you and saying 'hey, not sure I actually want them' isn't good. I think that is more the issue than anything else tbh, you want different things and you're waking up to that now.

The 'dude' isn't communicating with his new wife.

That 'dude' is telling her to do what she wants, 'make it official' - unpleasant at best

That 'dude' is acting like a selfish dickhead

Depression doesn't mean you have to be a selfish dickhead

A marriage based on a lie, a half lie, or when 2 people realise they have very different expectations does not have to continue just because one is ill. Hard faced as that might seem!

Demanding OP stays because her DH may be acting due to his depression is emotional blackmail, deeply unpleasant. She has every right to decide she can't or does not want to cope with his behaviour, no matter what the cause.

I don't think anyone is demanding she stay with him pp. She would be wise to leave if having kids matter to her.

Sorry Pink I got your 'dude' mixed into the posts about standing by your man in sickness and in health!

I like how 'dude' can be so very sarcastic.. and didn't think it through in context