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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What my husband said...

130 replies

Cerealmner · 31/08/2019 21:21

I find my husband's some of my behaviour quite upsetting. It involves his hobbies. I don't want to go into detail.

I explained how I feel. He has responded with:
" I think my behaviour is reasonable."
"If it upsets you thats your problem."
" If the upset is causing a bad atmosphere at home and around pur children then we need to separate."

He says he won't leave though.

So I basically accept stuff even if it upsets me.

I feel like I'm commumicating with a lump of concrete. He says he is not responsible for my feelings, I am.

I have offered a compromise and he has said point blank "no."

How do I deal with this attitudeof his ? I'm upset and now stumped by what he has said. He has found a way to condone him.not caring about my feelings which surely is ludicrous?

OP posts:
nosalad · 05/09/2019 00:40

I would absolutely force him to sell. Even if it's expensive, eventually you'll be rid of him and can live your life without this knob. It will be worth it.

Scott72 · 05/09/2019 01:00

Gold is obviously very important to him. He must be worried for some reason you're trying to stop him playing entirely. You don't want that I'm sure, you just want some compromise where he gives up maybe a few days a year. However his complete inability to compromise or even listen to your concerns has, understandably, just caused this huge growing frustration and seething resentment. I know how you feel. If I think I'm right about something and the other person just refuses to listen and sympathize with my concerns, it drives me up the wall with frustration too.

1forAll74 · 05/09/2019 01:39

It would not bother me if a husband had hobbies, and was missing for birthdays etc.. I should have said, it didn't bother me, when I had a husband.. My late husband was often away abroad for work on my birthday,and our children's also.He also had hobbies, as in golf, tennis, and badminton,and did these hobbies at the weekends,and also some evenings. It was never an issue between us at all.

I have never felt that it is special when I have a birthday, but always made sure that our children had a special day on theirs,with or without their Dad being there..

nosalad · 05/09/2019 01:47

^ cool story

Butterymuffin · 05/09/2019 08:01

I'd say 'we'll move into separate rooms then and work out a schedule for looking after the kids longer term'. He won't expect you to actually take him up on it. Plus once separated even if living in the same house you can stop doing anything for him - washing, cooking etc. I have a feeling his version of 'separation' doesn't look like that.

Deathraystare · 05/09/2019 08:15

I won't be attending and I will need to explain a stupid made up reason to my 4 yr old as to why. And then what does this teach her about how much mummy and daddy care for each other?

Deffo don't be there. It would be hard to explain it but does the child not notice when he is not there for your birthday?

PrincessHoneysuckle · 05/09/2019 09:38

My ex was obsessed with martial arts Gin he did it 3 times a week and on weekends.Urgh selfish bastard glad I divorced him

Deadringer · 05/09/2019 10:04

Op is there any way your mil would support you in this? Could you have a private word with her and make her understand that you are on the verge of leaving her son because of his selfishness? It sounds like she has put up with the same shit for years from your fil, but sometimes help can come from the most unexpected quarters. Your dh sounds like a selfish thoughtless arsehole, I would definitely be unavailable for his birthday no matter how awkward that is. His thinking is very black and white only so far as it benefits him. Ask him why a person gets married, is it to have a lifelong companion to love and spend time with? If so he is not holding up his end of the deal. If that is not what marriage is to him, what is it all about then? I think you should take him up on his offer of separate lives, and as a pp said, let him sort out his own washing and cooking. It sounds like a split is inevitable eventually anyway.

yellowallpaper · 05/09/2019 10:32

My exH went out every weekend on two different hobbies. I used to work alternate weekends, so we only had four days a month to do couple things, yet he insisted these hobbies took priority. We were newly married and it was clear I was very low down on his priority list.

You know your H is a piece of selfish shit just like I did after 2 horrible years.

LBOCS2 · 05/09/2019 10:44

I'd say 'we'll move into separate rooms then and work out a schedule for looking after the kids longer term'. He won't expect you to actually take him up on it. Plus once separated even if living in the same house you can stop doing anything for him - washing, cooking etc. I have a feeling his version of 'separation' doesn't look like that.

This.

The response to his: "but I don't think I'm doing anything wrong" is just a simple "that's fine. But I don't have to live with how you choose to prioritise your time". And you don't. Separate, even if you're living together. Tell him which days are the contact days with the children. And don't be bullied into not telling anyone - it's obviously important to him that he's seen as a family man or a good guy.

Oh, and if he can't believe that you're breaking up with him over golf - you're not. You're breaking up with him because of the lack of respect for your time or needs that he has. Remember that. It's easy to get sidetracked when you're having a 'discussion'.

Techway · 05/09/2019 15:26

@1forAll74, this isn't about hobbies or birthdays but the way she is being treated. He isn't listening to her and this is important to her.

Op, there is always a way to separate but first do your planning. What assets are there, equity, pension, savings. What is his salary so you can get a CMS figure for your budgeting.
Where would you want to live if you separated? Do you have an idea of house prices?

Then once you have a clear view of what you want you ask a solicitor to instruct divorce proceedings. First hurdle is to decide on grounds for divorce. You need around 5-6 examples of his behaviour. Most men will move out by this stage but he could be vindictive which is why planning is best ahead of time. Ex employed a financial consultant to find ways to deprive me of assets..I didn't know until afterwards. He also accessed my email so set up a brand new email ID, ideally on a different service. This was all happening whilst I was naively trying to be amicable

I would say you probadly need to feel you have tried everything first to save your marriage. I know this was important to me. We did counselling (many times) and earlier on he said the right things but no change in actions, later on he was just belligerent.

Get the book by Parricia Evans as she describes the dynamic in this type of marriage, it might help however I got to the stage when I just knew that the relationship was so unhealthy for me.

Ex is now with someone else and I can imagine she thinks he is wonderful because they are not at that stage of having to compromise. It is only when she is ill or has some other priority that clashes with his agenda and then his real character will appear.

It has taken me a long time to recover and whilst I don't regret trying to make it work I regret not acting once it was clear his behaviour would not change. It only ever got worse over the years and I think I suffered more harm during that time.

Original poster
Cerealmner · 05/09/2019 23:18

Thankyou for all the advice.
I think a seperation whilst living together will have to happen. It's a miserable way to live though isn't it...

He has said that I clearly dont care for his feelings either, expecting him to miss an event he's attended every year since being very young.

I pointed out that I am willing to compromise every other year, he pointed out that he's willing to compromise by celebrating my birthday on another day on the years it clashes. He can't see that this isn't a compromise, but him getting his own way and making me bend a date that is set in stone... the day I was born!
Shitty situation.

He argues it's not going to always fall exactly on my birthday, but will always fall on the weekend close to it. I can't really celebrate other weekends in September either as we have DMs birthday and HIS birthday either side of mine,within 1 week. So I only get a week to get it celebrated anyway before it's on to the next birthday.

He is rigid.

I can't believe I'm having to live like this. He's not the person I thought he was at all.

OP posts:
Scott72 · 06/09/2019 00:43

"He has said that I clearly dont care for his feelings either, expecting him to miss an event he's attended every year since being very young."

Then I agree with him. You can celebrate your birthday any day of the year, he can only attend this event on the one day. I suppose it is hard for me sympathize here, since I don't really care all the much for my birthday.

Drabarni · 06/09/2019 00:59

Why do you put up with this. You and your family are worth more than this. He is only a part of the family in name and maybe finance.

justilou1 · 06/09/2019 01:35

Time to telling everyone that his carefully constructed image of Mr Nice guy is a lie. That you are miserable and he is a selfish, inflexible arsehole who won’t even take s day off golf for your birthday. Don’t be embarrassed. Be honest. Get out and have a life!!! Meet someone else!!!

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 06/09/2019 05:07

If you can be bothered playing the long game, start building your own life. Make plans with the kids for the days when he is busy with his hobby. Make plans with the kids on those days when he's ostensibly available for family time but also schedule me-time things on those days and don't let him tag along; he'll need to be looking after the kids. Do make plans for yourself for the weekend of his birthday - your husband can go to dinner/meal with his DM/family as usual, taking the children so there is no need for you to make any excuse to Ms 4yo. If he complains, use lines such as " I think my behaviour is reasonable" or "If it upsets you that's your problem" which really just translate to "IDGAF"

Our of interest, is there any earning disparity and what do you do re finances within the marriage? Does it all go into one bit pot or do you have 'household' money and you each have own money as well?

justilou1 · 06/09/2019 05:28

I would DEFINITELY start to make plans for yourself when he starts making noises about family things and dump the kids with him at short notice. No warnings. Just go. Cut the phone lines, take his mobile and car keys if you have to. Get him to parent his fucking kids for a whole day.

Quartz2208 · 06/09/2019 07:19

Actually I suspect it won’t be any less miserable for you than it is now

EinsteinsArousedSausagesHCB · 06/09/2019 07:44

he pointed out that he's willing to compromise by celebrating my birthday on another day on the years it clashes.

^^This simply isn't true though is it. He's a selfish shitbag who isn't willing to bend.

I have asked if we can celebrate mu birthday the weekend before, he says he's planning on golfing on that day too.

I work one day every weekend which only leaves one day for us to do something low key just as an acknowledgement of my birthday. We work during the week.

Scott72 · 06/09/2019 07:51

"I have asked if we can celebrate mu birthday the weekend before, he says he's planning on golfing on that day too."

Thanks Einsteins for that. That confirms to me she's the reasonable one here and he's the unreasonable one.

NorbertHerbertGruntfuttock · 06/09/2019 09:17

For your mental health you have to separate from this horrible manchild. Rent a place and force the sale. Get away. You are not asking for the moon on a stick OP. My BD is early November and my DH is already asking what I want and where I want to go for the day and he is actually quite poorly at the moment. He is normal though and treats me like an equal not a live in housekeeper and nanny.

Euromillsplz · 06/09/2019 09:43

@nosalad 🤣

Euromillsplz · 06/09/2019 09:47

@1forAll74
Lovely, but you're missing the point maHASSIVELY. OP isn't all princessy about her birthday- it's just that the average human appreciates being made to feel a bit special on at least one day of the year, and a birthday seems like a good place to start.

Good for you though 🙄

BrainFart · 06/09/2019 14:28

Speaking as a man approaching middle age, I have absolutely no idea why men around my age and above obsessively do sports hobbies. Fair enough if you are a pro golfer / cyclist etc...

But if you're an insurance salesman during the week, and have kids, then bringing your handicap down by a couple of strokes, or shaving a few seconds off your time trial PB, by spaffing a fortune on new clubs or a carbon-fibre bike, alongside the hours of practice, just isn't going to have any impact on anything genuinely important in your life (or if it is genuinely important in your life without being a source of income and taking priority over your children, then you have fucked-up priorities).

Going by his reactions and demands, take stock of your situation, make a plan, and explain to him that you will divorce him in order to actually be happy if he can't be more reasonable with his golfing, at least while the children are young and knackering.

browneyes77 · 06/09/2019 15:01

@BrainFart Excellent post

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