What my husband said...

[Cerealmner]

I find my husband's some of my behaviour quite upsetting. It involves his hobbies. I don't want to go into detail.

I explained how I feel. He has responded with:
" I think my behaviour is reasonable."
"If it upsets you thats your problem."
" If the upset is causing a bad atmosphere at home and around pur children then we need to separate."

He says he won't leave though.

So I basically accept stuff even if it upsets me.

I feel like I'm commumicating with a lump of concrete. He says he is not responsible for my feelings, I am.

I have offered a compromise and he has said point blank "no."

How do I deal with this attitudeof his ? I'm upset and now stumped by what he has said. He has found a way to condone him.not caring about my feelings which surely is ludicrous?

So he tells you and shows you over and over again that he doesn't value or respect you and never will.

So why are you still with him?
Of course he will refuse to move out - that's why you get a solicitor and get the law to remove him from the house whilst you divorce.

How is golf classed as exercise? 😂

So, I've told him I'm busy this weekend and that he can't go playing golf as he will have the children.
He's arranged for my MIL to have the children. 2 very young children. On her own all day. She won't cope. She won't be able to even cook meals for them as their house isn't baby proofed and he's everywhere. Her and FIL manage just about with the 2 if them for a few hours and they're wiped out afterwards.
He says they will be fine.
I will be on edge all day, so what's the point? I may aswell stay at home with the kids afterall.
He always gets his own bloody way. He's not a shouter, always calm and collected,getting his own sodding way every single time.

Let it go wrong. Nothing dangerous will happen but let's hope there's mess and chaos. He needs to learn.

Alternatively you need to dump him, he's utterly selfish.

It's only MIL and the children who will suffer silently. She will tell him all was fine even if it wasn't so no repercussions for him anyway.

So his golf is more important than the well being and safety of his children.

You know what you need to do OP.

Op he is now putting golf ahead of your his children and his mothers wellbeing
Why are you staying with him

He's refusing to parent his children. You are basically a single parent. What is the point of staying married to him?

Your mil will cope, she's raised children herself and she can make sandwiches or take them out for food if cooking is impossible. He's expecting you to cave and step in.

She honestly won't cope. There will be an accident. She's a complete ditherer and gets easily sidetracked. FIL is always the main caregiver when they take care of the children. She is much better with the older one but becomes overwhelmed with the baby and both of them together.

Deep down you know what this man child is doing and what choices you have...
You do have choices and one of them is most definitely not putting up with that shit and telling him to fuck off

So he doesn't care he's hurting you. Even when challenged.

Go tell him to fuck off

OK then, so your plan to get him to step up is a complete bust. Now what?

How often does he need to prove he doesn't give a shit?

You can’t change him OP ever this must show you that. He is incapable of putting anyone’s needs first
You can only change your response and situation

So what's next?
I can't leave because I've nowhere to go.
Ive asked him to leave as he has somewhere to go. He says no and says we can function perfectly well sleeping in seperate rooms, living seperate lives.
I've spoken to a solicitor already who says that if he's refusing to go, there is nothing I can do immediately.
Getting him to leave will cost a fortune in solicitor fees, forcing him to put our house up for sale will do the same.
He's an emotionless lump of brick refusing to change, move, leave or do anything.
I'm completely stuck.
I'm exhausted already and dealing with a chronic condition. As long as he gets his own way, nothing else seems to matter. We have 2 lovely young children who adore him and the family time we have. I can't believe he's behaving this way and throwing it all in the bin.
I broach the subject every single day trying to plead with his better nature. He keeps repeating the same... "but I don't think I'm doing anything wrong."

Really sad for you.

There are lots of selfish wankers to read about on here, but yours does unfortunately win a medal.

You sound lovely and he categotically does not deserve you. Easy for us all to say, but you're better off without this emotional fucktard

Put it in the hands of the solicitor and at least then there's an end to it eventually. It's no use appealing to something he hasn't got.

Is it just one day a week? And he has been doing this for a long time before he met you? Honestly that doesn't sound so bad to me. Its his complete intransigence that's driving you nuts isn't it? If he were to listen to you and acknowledge your very real concerns you could work out a compromise.

It's not like he's being nasty either which somehow makes it worse. He's getting his way so he's being all kind, offering me drinks and asking if I need anything. I hate it. I look like the awkward one when I keep saying "no thanks" abruptly to everything he offers.

At the end of the day, his needs always prevail because I care more for the children's welfare than he does. He will always have me over a barrel for this reason. It's sad he sees this as a weakness and takes advantage of it.

Yep, knew he would get someone to look after the DC. He doesn't care for other people as what he wants trumps everything else. I spent years trying to figure Ex out and each time he invalidated my feelings I would sink into sadness until I became a shadow of my former self.

In the golfing example if I had adhered to his wishes (forsaken my needs) he would come home afterwards on a high and give me flowers for being such a wonderful wife. If I didn't adhere he would treat it as a power struggle and be determined to win. He thought if he "gave in" then it amounted to being controlled.

It was very confusing as he would appear lovely and loving at times until I realised I was being trained, as you would with a pet, rewarded for good behaviour.

Through counselling I started to assert my needs and this caused him to ramp up his nasty behaviour. He was never shouty but had a cold anger that felt worse as more intimidating. He also held grudges.

Through counselling I realised (a little too late) he was likely to be a covert narcissist.
If he is similar then you are best to plan your exit quietly. I didn't as assumed we could be grownups but it was only on separation that the extent of his control and vindictive behaviour came out. The mask completely dropped. If he gets slighted easily then you leaving will be viewed as a massive injury. Usually they leave once they know you see through them but only when they find another woman.

those options (solicitor and selling) are better than forcing your children to live with a man who puts himself front and centre

You can act - use this him willing to put him mum and children in harms way for golf. How is that not being nasty

Have you for separate rooms yet a schedule for who is in charge
Documents for accounts etc

@Cerealmner I am so sorry that you are in that heartbreaking phase of realising how little you matter. How you are simply the household appliance. That you are neither loved, cherished or connected with.

It hurts like nothing on earth, and just know we get your loneliness, your helplessness and your pain. But it happens to be true.

"This could be me four years ago. I never saw the damage he was doing to me and the kids until i found out about the OW.

Dont waste your life with someone who cant own their own behaviour.

My ExH hasnt changed. He has just transferred his behaviour to the children. The difference is I make sure they have the tools to deal with his gas lighting, sulking, blaming them or me etc themselves.

Your husband is blaming you for your legitimate reaction to his unreasonable behaviour. He wont change." - THIS.

If I were you? Stop trying to change him. Stop focusing on what he is doing, and focus on yourself.

That means, stopping REACTING to him and working out your life plan. Starting to secretly save, squirrelling money away, seriously focusing on developing your job, maybe getting more skills and qualifications, and when baby is in nursery school,

leaving in the middle of the day, to a house you have rented/bought, taking most of the furniture with you.

It is soooooo annoying when the household appliances revolt ...

There is a better life out there, I promise you. I am on my own, but I am not walking on eggshells, rage filled to mentally ill levels, anxious and depressed. I am happy on my own, when before I was terrified of it.

Hacksaw to his golf clubs?

PS the chronic condition? Tends to magically vanish when the suppressed rage and tension is removed

"if I had adhered to his wishes (forsaken my needs) he would come home afterwards on a high and give me flowers for being such a wonderful wife. If I didn't adhere he would treat it as a power struggle and be determined to win. He thought if he "gave in" then it amounted to being controlled. "

Yup.