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Original poster

What my husband said...

130 replies

Cerealmner · 31/08/2019 21:21

I find my husband's some of my behaviour quite upsetting. It involves his hobbies. I don't want to go into detail.

I explained how I feel. He has responded with:
" I think my behaviour is reasonable."
"If it upsets you thats your problem."
" If the upset is causing a bad atmosphere at home and around pur children then we need to separate."

He says he won't leave though.

So I basically accept stuff even if it upsets me.

I feel like I'm commumicating with a lump of concrete. He says he is not responsible for my feelings, I am.

I have offered a compromise and he has said point blank "no."

How do I deal with this attitudeof his ? I'm upset and now stumped by what he has said. He has found a way to condone him.not caring about my feelings which surely is ludicrous?

OP posts:
category12 · 01/09/2019 07:43

If it's cycling, I'll be really pissed. There's bloody millions of mamils.

Mintjulia · 01/09/2019 07:57

Op, if he’s into taxidermy or shooting porn films in your house, I can see your point but if he likes bbqs and you’re trying to stop him, then maybe you are not being fair.

It depends.

Shoxfordian · 01/09/2019 08:03

Yeah it really depends on what it is.

He's right that you're responsible for your own feelings too. Basically he's not going to change his hobby or stop doing it so it's your decision if you can put up with it or not

Original poster
Cerealmner · 01/09/2019 08:12

I will out myself if I give too much info but basically it's golf, he goes on a few golfing weekends each year and one of the occasions always clashes with my birthday. I have tried to compromise bu asking him to go every other year so that he can celebrate my birthday with me,.he says no.

I have asked if we can celebrate mu birthday the weekend before, he says he's planning on golfing on that day too.

I work one day every weekend which only leaves one day for us to do something low key just as an acknowledgement of my birthday. We work during the week.

He isn't bothered.

Some don't care about birthdays and I don't want to get into the politics of whether or not they're important. We have 2 young children and last year, he left me at home with a newborn and a toddler on my birthday whilst he went away for a 12 hour golfing tournament. The newborn was cluster feeding and I was wiped out.

I just want to feel acknowledged, maybe even a bit special for one day of the year. It's too much to ask apparently.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/09/2019 08:17

Yes it's shitty behaviour.

He basically says to you stfu and put up with it, and that he won't change what he does, so that leaves you with accept this is how it is, or end it. Personally I wouldn't want to live like it.

Givemealittkewan · 01/09/2019 08:18

Sorry 1 weekend per year for your birthday is NOT being unreasonable! And I used the gold example 🙈 it doesn't matter if birthdays are important to him or to anyone else, it is to you and it happens once a year.

You even offered to move to the weekend before you mad woman! Me, I'd book a spa weekend for my birthday and go and have 2 days of pampering and let him stay at home.

You understand golf is important to him and compromise your time so he can play every week. He's choosing not to understand that your birthday is important to you. I would be really upset by his attitude

snitzelvoncrumb · 01/09/2019 08:22

It up to you what you will accept in a relationship, but if you find this a deal breaker then that's your line. He attitude is terrible, and I can understand how you might feel upset. I would think carefully about what you want, and if you want to leave then start getting your ducks in a row.

EugenesAxe · 01/09/2019 08:31

My DH is in this situation but the weekends don’t clash too badly for me. They did tend, for a while, to mean he always missed something the children were involved with at school. I was slightly annoyed for their sake and asked if he could ask the group to go one weekend forward or back, which they did.

Can you ask him to chat to his group and explain? I’d feel really crap if every year people asked if I had a nice birthday and I basically had to advertise the shitty, uncaring person I was married to. Now and then I guess it wouldn’t be too bad but if it was every year the resentment would grow like a canker.

BillywilliamV · 01/09/2019 08:32

My DH plays golf every Saturday, unless I ask him not to. It's exercise for him and he loves it so I only ask him not to play only special occasions. This is a reasonable attitude to a hobby.
However, the problem isn't the hobby, it's his attitude. He sounds like complete pig. Does he have any good points or is he like this on everything?
Personally I would just sneak out of the house with a bag the night before he goes on this golf shindig, leave a note saying "See you on Sunday Evening" and turn your phone off.

BraveGoldie · 01/09/2019 08:42

' It's not my problem if you feel like that' was something my ex would quite often say..... another was when I pointed out the nice things/ compromises/ efforts I made for him, he would say 'I never asked you to' which drove me mad because quite often he actually had, or had simply required it by his own inaction or intransigence....

But yes, based on the scenario you have given, it sounds like he doesn't have concern for your feelings.... those kind of responses would only be understandable and reasonable if dealing with someone who is themselves very controlling and making unreasonable demands and holding the person to ransom about their feelings. (And my ex, to be fair to him, developed these responses as a defense again a borderline, narcissistic mother who had no respect for his feelings)....he just was incapable of dropping them, even when faced with somebody who was not like that.

Actionhasmagic · 01/09/2019 08:50

He’s your husband and should want to make you feel special on your birthday... this is not okay

Original poster
Cerealmner · 01/09/2019 08:59

I feel really hurt by him.

I am even taking the children away over my birthday weekend with DM to avoid allowing him to disappoint me after last year's performance. He will have the house to himself for 2 of the days whilst I celebrate with my mum and children.

I assumed we would atleast do something the Saturday before that weekend. I'm shocked he's planned to golf again. The events are set in stone so no moving them around which I understand, but he won't even compromise. He attended last year
, so this year, he shouldn't be doing so in my opinion. But I've even booked a few days away with my mum to accommodate him.

He says I'm expecting him to live up to my "perfect expectations" and that i live in my own world. What makes this worse is that his father is attending these events with him and enabling his selfish behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cerealmner · 01/09/2019 09:01

I don't want to play games, but it's his birthday at the end of the month and his parents will plan a family meal as usual.

I won't be attending and I will need to explain a stupid made up reason to my 4 yr old as to why. And then what does this teach her about how much mummy and daddy care for each other?

OP posts:
Givemealittkewan · 01/09/2019 09:04

What's he like on anniversaries, Christmas etc?

My ex was placed no value on celebrating traditions that I really valued like birthdays or Christmas however premier league finals or World Cup days meant annual leave from work and were planned months in advance.

Used to feel guilty when he would say I was high maintenance or demanding. I look back now and want to slap myself for being such a gobshite!

GertrudeCB · 01/09/2019 09:04

Do fuck all for HIS birthday.
See if he likes them apples !

MollyButton · 01/09/2019 09:07

Sorry but there is a OW in your relationship and he loves her more than you - it golf.

So I'd suggest you get some legal advise. Think about how you can rearrange the house to have separate sleeping spaces, and get on with it.
I think what will be especially hard is that he doesn't even care about the children much.

I was tearful over the story about your last birthday.Thanks

4seasons · 01/09/2019 09:11

I really hope you don’t do anything for his birthday from now on ! I wouldn’t even give a card or acknowledge it at all. Similarly I would , just like him , start to organise a pleasant social life for myself. When he starts to see you as an autonomous woman with her own life I think he might want to change things . By then you might not want to bother ! If you want to bring things to a head quickly then do what a previous poster suggested .... pack a bag one weekend and leave before he is up . Book a hotel somewhere, do some sightseeing, sit having a relaxed coffee..... just generally behave like him. To be honest you have nothing to lose. He is , in my opinion, a selfish and unfeeling pig. Touch of his own medicine is needed.

Namenic · 01/09/2019 09:13

OP I think you are being reasonable and prepared to compromise.

Unless he is gonna be on the national team or something - abandoning you with a newborn and 2 year old is not responsible. You sound like you are prepared to compromise too. Has he done a weekend with just him and the kids? Maybe he should...

Quartz2208 · 01/09/2019 09:13

Leave him? Start the separation process properly because you kind of already are.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 01/09/2019 09:14

OP that sounds like shit and very like the sort of stuff I put up with when I was married to my ex-husband.

It just isn't worth the upset. Your husband is not being at all reasonable and is not considering your feelings. He is also closing down all conversations and leaving you angry and frustrated.

Would both of you consider joint counselling if you think the marriage is salvageable?

If not, it may be time to start making plans to separate and divorce.

I hope however that you'll try the counselling. Only then (by the sound of things) will your point of view get through to his closed mind.

Shouldcolder · 01/09/2019 09:18

What a selfish pig he is, OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2019 09:25

Its not you, its him. He does not care about you and in turn his children at all because all he cares about is getting his own needs met. Such men do not change. I would also think he has single handedly given your self esteem and worth a battering over the years too.

Re your comment:-
"He says I'm expecting him to live up to my "perfect expectations" and that i live in my own world"

That is projection on his part and he is using this to further subjugate you and keep you down in the hole he has dug for you. Your answer to this should be, "we simply disagree".

"What makes this worse is that his father is attending these events with him and enabling his selfish behaviour".

Like father, like son. This is learnt behaviour from his dad and such men do not change. You can only change how you react to him. I would not be sending your children along to this meal with his parents at the end of the month either.

BertsFriend · 01/09/2019 09:31

If my husband did something that upset me and I raised it with him and his response was 'If you don't like it you know where the door is', I'd never be able to look at him the same again. I wouldn't do a single thing for him now, he doesn't care about you at all and he's making no pretence that he does.

Techway · 01/09/2019 10:15

@BraveGoldie, this could word for word, be my Ex H. Another phrase was "I am sorry you feel that way". Has he had another relationship successfully?

Op, I really understand your upset. Whilst this is about golf I suspect it is also in other areas as the underlying theme is invalidation of your feelings. It is an utterly miserable way to live as the person who is supposed to love you shows no genuine care. In public does he play the doting father and husband? Mine could also be kind but I realised later there was always an agenda that suited him.

If you don't go to his birthday, just be aware he will portray himself as the victim and if he is from a narcisstic family then there will be no sanction of him as they are likely to be cut from the same cloth. I had similar and refused to attend one of his family events. As none of his family have empathy they just assumed I was being selfish and given their feelings were more important I didn't matter.

This is a form of control, he gets to be married and have a family but you are not allowed to be "real" and have feelings. It is him who wants you to be perfect I.e just do as you are told. If you tried to enforce no golf you would just be labelled controlling.

I bet if you left the children with him he would just find someone else to take care of them. Often these men are successful in careers because they can be ruthless in pursuit of their goals and not hindered by empathy they don't feel remorse for hurting others.

Most women with husbands like this have to leave as they can't change. Counselling doesn't seem to work because they usually don't have the motivation to change.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 01/09/2019 10:24

He’s basically saying that you either put up with this shit or leave.

It’s very much NOT you OP.

I’m with you on the game playing, but then again I’d not be around for his birthday full stop! I’d leave him, before then. However you could arrange a lovely weekend away with your friends or Mum and simply leave him with the dc on his birthday...