What my husband said...

[Cerealmner]

I find my husband's some of my behaviour quite upsetting. It involves his hobbies. I don't want to go into detail.

I explained how I feel. He has responded with:
" I think my behaviour is reasonable."
"If it upsets you thats your problem."
" If the upset is causing a bad atmosphere at home and around pur children then we need to separate."

He says he won't leave though.

So I basically accept stuff even if it upsets me.

I feel like I'm commumicating with a lump of concrete. He says he is not responsible for my feelings, I am.

I have offered a compromise and he has said point blank "no."

How do I deal with this attitudeof his ? I'm upset and now stumped by what he has said. He has found a way to condone him.not caring about my feelings which surely is ludicrous?

He's selfish. It's totally acceptable for you to want your other half to celebrate your birthday with you and you've even suggested every other year or the weekend before and he says no. I would be inclined to tell him to go and marry his golf clubs and F off

@Techway it's like you know him!
He hasn't had another successful relationship prior to me.
He does say "I'm sorry you feel that way."
He most definitely plays the doting father and husband to everyone else, whilst our relationship and family life just seems to be an inconvenience when it doesnt suit him.
Exactly how I feel- not allowed to be "real" at all.
Yes. He has a successful career and is considered to be kind, helpful and approachable at work.
I don't think he can change, mainly because I dont think he realises it's within his power to do so. Everything in his mind is black and white fact.
I am trying to compromise and he is completely closed off.
He has suggested coming away with DM and the children next weekend and him "nipping off" for 12 hours to do his hobby. I think he's behaving like a spoilt brat for even suggesting it- wanting to have his cake and eat it. He doesn't get to do both. But he's made out I am also now being unreasonable for not allowing this.

OP, so sorry that you are upset over your birthday.

The bigger picture is you are married to a selfish pig who couldn't care less about you.

This is who he is.
You know this.
You can't change him.
He will continue to be the person he is.
Your happiness is not a concern of his.
You can spend the next year's of your life, hurt, upset, lonely and frustrated by him.
Or you can decide that you are going to have a different life and a different future.
He clearly only wishes to be married on his terms.

I would get organised re money etc and get out.
In the meantime, do not accommodate him or his life.

Don't go to his birthday meal.
Nothing wrong with giving someone having a taste of their own medicine - let him be uncomfortable and explain the reason to his parents.
And this 'I'm sorry you feel this way' is so fucking patronising and arrogant - it's him letting himself off the hook and blaming you for your feels.

This isn't about golf or birthdays. This is about a husband and father acting as if he is single and child free.

He clearly isn't going to change so you have two choices - put up with it or leave.

That's it. Only you can decide.

He is being a dick OP

You have kids together. Therefore any time he goes off for a whole day, he is automatically making you responsible for looking after a toddler and baby. If he afforded you the same courtesy (eg he was fine with you fucking off for a weekend on non negotiable dates when he had other plans) then maybe he would have a point. But the fact is he seems to be treating you differently to how you treat him. You have compromised and made your wishes clear but he has completely ignored them. I dont think what you're asking for is unreasonable, most people want to see their family around their birthday, that's not some strange perfect standard. I hate the phrase 'I'm not responsible for your feelings'. If you completely disregard someone's reasonable wishes, it's a natural consequence they are going to be upset. Most people would be upset that their spouse didn't want to see them around their birthday.

He is acting like he is not part of a family or a partnership where his actions have an impact on other peoples feelings. He is saying he doesnt actually care about your feelings. At all.

I suspect he is like this in other situations and it's not just the golf twice a year, as someone cant be that selfish only twice a year. What would he do if something important for your children clashed with his golf weekends? Like a sporting event when they were older? Is he not responsible for their feelings either or is it just yours he doesnt care about?

Would he go to counselling with you? If not I'm sorry I think you just have to accept that his wants come first to him, or separate.

Also his 'well we can separate' type comments are horrible, he either isn't bothered about separating and doesnt value the relationship, or is just being manipulative as the only two answers to that are 'let's separate then' or 'ok go to golf'. I think I would say yes let's separate then

Time to do your own thing and use him to watch the kids when it suits you, like he does. I’m not saying go against him in a battle for Saturday babysitting btw. You both deserve to have outside hobbies and interests. I think as others have said that he won’t change so you need to decide what is acceptable and what isn’t. Get a life of your own just now. That way if you do leave you will have friends to support you and hobbies to keep you busy
Sorry he’s such a pig, you deserve better.

He isn’t in a successful relationship now OP.

I think that you should skip his birthday meal and have a night away on your own in a B+B or at a friend’s. Not as a tit-for-tat, but so you can have some thinking and planning time without him and the DCs.

He sounds like a real catch, OP.

He's being utterly selfish and uncaring, and trying to pin the consequences on you. Don't fall for it.

Yes, your feelings are your responsibility. But what's causing them? His actions.

You've identified that his actions cause you feelings you cannot tolerate (and I don't blame you because his actions are a clear demonstration that he does not give a shit about your feelings).

You've told him his actions are having a negative effect on your feelings.

He's told you to suck it up or fuck off.

You're his wife. He's supposed to feel compassion towards you, yet he is utterly unmoved by your distress.

And he's completely unwilling to compromise.

I'd take him at his word, OP. You don't like it and he's told you very clearly the only thing on offer is more of the same. So leave. See how he copes when golf clashes with his access weekends.

I'm pretty sure you talked about this a while ago? Nothing has changed because it won't until he is shit scared his perfect image will be ruined. You have to tell him exactly how you feel and the consequences of he doesn't start taking account of your feelings. The consequences should be divorce. It only works if you mean it.

Honestly I would advise against any tit for tat behaviour to make him understand how it feels because it will upset you ( your already worrying about explaining to your DC) and not bother him at all.

He is unlikely to change. The like it or lump it way of talking to you is horrible. The not treating you as a real person or an equal partner in the marriage is horrible and the trouble with this kind of treatment is that it's often invisible and people sometimes don't get it. It doesn't get better by itself. Often it gets worse over time.

Can you access some form of counseling ( just for you) to work out what you want for you.

He won't change. His father hasn't clearly. As you know your DC will learn that this behaviour is acceptable. You, and they will be happier away from him.

The fact he has now suggested a slight compromise is infuriating as he has lost so much goodwill by being inflexible at the outset. I found it exhausting. Black & white thinking is exactly what I would say about Ex.

I would encourage you to read "The verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evan's as it helps to frame your conversations and helps you realise what you are dealing with.

This type is sadly very predictable. Sometimes the way to achieve a reasonable compromise is to highlight how his behaviour would look to others. They care about their image so I suspect this could be why he has relented slightly.

Ultimately these men often discard their partners because they want compliance and have a string of failed relationships behind them.

He has been honest with you. You now have a choice to either accept the situation or leave. FWIW I think he is a selfish prick.

What a selfish pig. You deserve way more!! My best friend has a husband like this and they only have the one child but it puts such a strain on them as they so rarely have any time as a family.
When do you get time to enjoy your hobbies? I honestly would leave my husband if he behaved like this.

Wow. Selfish arse.

You'll have to make your choice, as others have said. He is obviously unwilling to change.

His birthday is worth celebrating, in his mind... but yours isn't. Selfish.

This could be me four years ago. I never saw the damage he was doing to me and the kids until i found out about the OW.

Word for word my ExH said the same as your husband. Even down to getting mad at me and calling me selfish and a home wrecker when i didnt fight for him with the OW. He still exoects me to tell the children i threw him out and split the family 🙄

You and your DC deserve so much better. Im in a new relationship now. I nearly fell off my chair when i expressed i was a little insecure over something he had done and he apologised and asked how he could do better/help next time i felt like that.

Dont waste your life with someone who cant own their own behaviour.

My ExH hasnt changed. He has just transferred his behaviour to the children. The difference is I make sure they have the tools to deal with his gas lighting, sulking, blaming them or me etc themselves.

Your husband is blaming you for your legitimate reaction to his unreasonable behaviour. He wont change. I imagine his whole family is like that. They have a talant for upsetting people and then standing back poiting out how unreasonable the reaction to thwir bullshit is.

My ex MIL ea6s shocked i wad annoyed at her for lying about where he was. She said he was at hers when he was with OW. I never shouted or got angry but told her I was disappointed in her. She told me i was causing her hair to fall out and hasn't spoke to me in three and half years.

My DP is like this. If I tell him I'm bothered by, or upset by something, he will say "well don't you think that's your problem" . So much so that I try to avoid telling him stuff but then he just goes on and on asking me what's wrong until I tell him and then it all starts again

Would you really want him to spend your birthday with you though if you knew he'd much rather be somewhere else?

You need to make a life for yourself with him or without him. You have options.

On the basis that you suggested celebrating your birthday a different weekend, and he said he was playing golf then too, he is being unreasonable.

You could point out that if you separated he'd likely get less time to play golf as he'd have the kids at the weekend.

If he's semi professional or professional then there's nothing he can do and it's not fair to ask him to move it around but if it's just a hobby then fair enough.

It wouldn't bother me much but sounds difficult anyway and like he's not too pushed on the relationship so that would upset me.

Start saving some money so if you decide to split you will have a cushion and I would tell him to roll up his birthday and shove it up his selfish arse.

He sounds a proper wanker. Has he always been this self absorbed?