I sent a message and got this back

[Mondayblues17]

I dated someone a while back, just over a year ago. I will call him John. At the time my ex was constantly abusing me (still), calling me saying he was going to kill himself, telling me he wasn’t well, threatening to lock me in the house an so on. I dated this new guy for around 3 months, during which time my ex was still trying very much to get back into my life, despite me ending the relationship almost 8 months earlier. On one occasion me and the new man met up and I just burst into tears and said I needed to leave. I didn’t give him an explanation, I was just a broken mess and felt like I couldn’t trust anyone and had given up in life in general.

I’m back to my usual self now after a lot of counselling. I messaged John and said could we meet for a chat, that I was sorry about what happened while we were dating, that I wish I had been totally honest with him about what was going on and that I would love the opportunity to apologise in person and give him a proper explanation. I said that I didn’t at all expect for anything romantic to come over, just that I wanted to make things right as far as I could as between us.

He read the message and then blocked me. I feel really sad. I didn’t expect us to be an item again although I would definitely have been open to it if I am honest. Mostly I feel my ex stole so much of my time and energy and now I am myself, me, the real me, I just wanted the opportunity to apologise to John and actually tell him the whole truth. It was selfish wasn’t it? I feel like shit about the fact he blocked me but then perhaps anyone would do that given he had no explanation at the time as to my behaviour.

• to come of it! Not to come over...

Sorry, I don’t know what I’m asking. I just feel sad as I really really liked John and when I look back I am broken about what my ex did to me, angry at myself for not doing something at the time and sad that I left John down while in the middle of such a horrible time.

Firstly he was probably hurt by what you did also he has possibly moved on with another.

He has not been in your life for a year, move on with your life now.

Yup my ex stole a lot of my life imo, but you just gotta let it go - there will be other johns!

You did your best at the time, please try not to beat yourself up.

Use this as a lesson learnt and move on, from your ex and this guy. Focus on you for a while, and do things which bring you joy.

Yes I acknowledged in the message that he may be with someone else and would never have assumed that he would suddenly want to start something with me! As far as I know he is single but only through social media. But the point of the message wasn’t about that, the main point was I just wanted him to know the truth.

I dont blame you for feeling sad. It must feel like yet another rejection. John could have done the decent thing and at least acknowledged your message, even if he felt that he didnt want to get dragged into any new drama.

At the end of the day, though, you probably just have to chalk this up to experience and move on. I am glad you are in a better place now.

I think the meet would be more for your benefit than his though.
He has moved on and so must you. I'm sorry he blocked you though - that would have shocked me too, and made me feel a bit shit

If it’s been over a year then he’s most probably moved on. I’m sorry that you’ve been through so much - there’ll be other Johns, you need to move on too.

Put yourself in his position.

Three months of dating and then out the blue you end it and never speak to him for almost a year later. You messed him about. I’m not really surprised that he just blocked you.

Women on here post similar things almost every day and are told the guy is an arsehole, nothing can excuse it and to just block and delete if he ever comes back because he clearly isn’t ready to date

I’m sorry for what you went through. Your ex sounds horrible and I’m glad you’re back to your normal self but you can’t really be surprised that John has moved on and wants nothing to do with you.

I think the best thing you could do is look to future instead of trying to build things with people from your past. You will find somebody who you feel able to share your past with.

I have focused on me and I am much better now. In fact I’m a totally different person to be honest!

I think this has been the first time I’ve had the strength to go back and look at what happened in terms of John and the first time I felt I had the strength to address it. I know I need to accept it and that he probably has absolutely no desire to speak to me ever again - he’s made that clear. It’s just shit because I wasn’t a bad person, I was just in the middle of absolute hellish abuse and I didn’t get it at the time. I just tired to manage everything.

I agree the meet would have been more for my benefit. Probably selfish of me to even message.

He's probably moved on, and doesn't care what the truth is. Leave it.

In John's situation I'd probably block too tbh. Let it go and move on. Dwelling on it isn't going to help you X

Feel like a total idiot for even messaging! Wish I could go back to that night, switch my phone off and ignore the abusive piece of shit.

Such is life hey !

It may be that he felt you were being too intense. I think I'd be shocked if I'd dated someone and they'd left a date in tears then a year later gave me some full explanation of it. I'd feel it was a bit strange that they'd suddenly fixated back on me.

Just move on.

You want him to know the truth about you, but from his point of view you are not part of his life anymore. You only dated a bit, you didn't break his heart or anything. He's not the slightest bit interested in you so he's blocked you.
Dating is really hard, there are times you won't get closure on things, you'll just have to leave it and move on, like John has.

I doubt he’s interested in the truth. Without wanting to sound unkind why should he waste any more time?

You were only with him for three months. He probably just can’t be arsed rather than he holds and grudges or anything. I wouldn’t give it any more thought now.

Well done to you for getting yourself out of a bad situation.

You are most definitely NOT an idiot for messaging. You took a risk (which is to be applauded) and it didn't work out. Such is life.

nothing you can do. Try and put it out of your mind and move on.

Yeah I think the message wasn’t intense really, I even said he would have moved on and that it wasn’t about that. I think it was a nice message, even if he does hate me!

I think I have more anger towards my ex over it really. Why did I let someone do that to me I will never understand! You’re right, I need to draw a line.

You wanted to meet as part of your own healing process.

He has probably done his own healing in that time.

I would have probably blocked too, it was a short relationship over a year ago and there has been no contact since you chucked him in, what he will see as, a particularly callous way, and it was no fault of his at all.

He isn't 'the one who got away' or whatever romantic spin you want to put on it, he was a fling that ended badly that you can move on from easily.

Perhaps John just isn't good at dealing with these things, so felt that given it was so long ago and he's moved on, blocking was the best option?

I know hindsight is a great thing but you could've just explained in the message, rather than asking to meet him.

Yes I can move on from it, I have moved on really. I think I’ve just thought about it recently as it probably would have gone somewhere at the time had it not been for my ex.

I think if I was him I would have at least replied.