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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I sent a message and got this back

113 replies

Mondayblues17 · 26/08/2019 15:16

I dated someone a while back, just over a year ago. I will call him John. At the time my ex was constantly abusing me (still), calling me saying he was going to kill himself, telling me he wasn’t well, threatening to lock me in the house an so on. I dated this new guy for around 3 months, during which time my ex was still trying very much to get back into my life, despite me ending the relationship almost 8 months earlier. On one occasion me and the new man met up and I just burst into tears and said I needed to leave. I didn’t give him an explanation, I was just a broken mess and felt like I couldn’t trust anyone and had given up in life in general.

I’m back to my usual self now after a lot of counselling. I messaged John and said could we meet for a chat, that I was sorry about what happened while we were dating, that I wish I had been totally honest with him about what was going on and that I would love the opportunity to apologise in person and give him a proper explanation. I said that I didn’t at all expect for anything romantic to come over, just that I wanted to make things right as far as I could as between us.

He read the message and then blocked me. I feel really sad. I didn’t expect us to be an item again although I would definitely have been open to it if I am honest. Mostly I feel my ex stole so much of my time and energy and now I am myself, me, the real me, I just wanted the opportunity to apologise to John and actually tell him the whole truth. It was selfish wasn’t it? I feel like shit about the fact he blocked me but then perhaps anyone would do that given he had no explanation at the time as to my behaviour.

OP posts:

Elision · 26/08/2019 17:08

I would have done the same as John. I’m not interested in revisiting relationships- platonic or romantic- that have ended. I don’t care WHY you ghosted me or cheated on me or stole from me or whatever ended the relationship. Good for you that things are better but shame on you for trying to drag this guy back into it to make yourself feel better. You don’t get to treat someone badly and then go back and use them for a bit of free therapy.

CaMePlaitPas · 26/08/2019 17:13

I don't know where I saw this, but I heard recently someone say "men are replaceable" and it's true - they are. Don't waste any more time/energy on this situation.

TheInebriati · 26/08/2019 17:15

I have never, ever, seen anyone on this board say that if you are dating a man who bursts into tears and says he needs to leave, that you should block him.
Common human decency would be to ask 'are you ok' and 'is there anything I can do', at the time it happens.

People who are alcoholics are advised to meet those they have harmed and apologise. OP tried to do this, and the other person isn't interested.

OP, its time to let it go and move on, but you haven't done anything wrong.

oakleaffy · 26/08/2019 17:18

Men tend to be very wary of 'needy' women...they just don't really like 'scenes' or weeping, or heavy 'exes'.... Then to be unceremoniously dumped...That would put anyone's nose out of joint.

Only a glutton for punishment would go back for more.
Spend time alone, it is very healing.

Nothingcomesforfree · 26/08/2019 17:21

He’s saved you months of messing around in a relationship that wasn’t right. If he really fancied you he’d have made an effort. Lots of men carry on perusing the unattainable.
So you’ve got rid of the ex and “ John” and you can get ready for a decent relationship with mutual attraction.

AgentJohnson · 26/08/2019 17:24

The apology and suggestion for a meet up was more for your benefit than his, you were trying to dip your toe back into the waters. An in person apology suited you but obviously didn’t suit him because it probably would have reopened a door which he had already closed. If you were sincere about apologising it really shouldn’t have been on condition of a meet-up (however breezily you worded the invite).

I’m glad your Ex is no longer a cloud on the horizon. Forgive yourself about John and moving forward is difficult if you’re looking backwards.

The poster who said you were obsessing over this wasn’t being rude for stating the obvious.

nuevanombre · 26/08/2019 17:45

@Mondayblues17 you keep saying that if you were him you would have at least replied even if you were not interested.

If you were in his shoes, you might have said a year ago if I were Monday I would have at least given some explanation for ending.

John owes you nothing after you left him without saying anything.

In both situations( year ago and now), you are only thinking from your point of view, no understanding about his perspective.

In my opinion, you are sounding a bit entitled. You didn't give him explanation when you left him but now when you are ready to talk, you think he should have at least the courtesy to reply.

3 months is a short time but you still owed him some explanation at that time. Imagine you meet someone now and date him for 3 months and suddenly he disappears without any words.

This is not to be harsh on you but by sending him this text, you put him in a weird situation and he did what he thought was right for him.

Hopoindown31 · 26/08/2019 17:50

@Nextphonewontbesamsung

Let's agree to disagree.

Spingtrolls · 26/08/2019 17:52

And there’s always a sob story attached to getting zombied.

Hopoindown31 · 26/08/2019 18:01

And there’s always a sob story attached to getting zombied.

Indeed. What would the advice here be to an OP in John's position.

"A guy I dated for 3 months just got in touch again after a year of no contact. He had some kind of breakdown near the end of our relationship related to an ex and just totally ghosted me. He now says he is sorry and wants to meet up.

I am really confused by this message and am wondering why he is contacting me now. Should I reply and offer to me up or just ignore this?"

ravenmum · 26/08/2019 19:13

I don’t think so because I didn’t phrase it like that and clearly said I wouldn’t message him again. I tried to be as nice as possible.
I'm assuming that you're posting the truth and have the best motives. But John doesn't know what you told us, doesn't know you well, and just has your unexplained behaviour to go on. I can afford to believe you, as it makes no difference to me. But if John answered, for all he knows you could easily turn out to be a weirdo and bother him in some way. So for him it's safer not to respond.

Nicolastuffedone · 26/08/2019 20:05

He did the right thing imo. He doesn’t want to be involved in any more drama, bursting into tears, leaving with no explanation, abusive exes. He blocked you because if he’d messaged back, even to wish you well, it would have opened the door to more messages from you which a year later he has no interest in.

Original poster

Mondayblues17 · 26/08/2019 20:16

Thanks for the replies.

I’m surprised that my replies here have apparently come across as intense. I guess messaging him in the first place was bold of me but it was with the right intentions. Had I known for certain he wouldn’t want anything to do with me after we had met I would still have opted to meet him - I really did want to apologise and explain myself. Yes for me but also because I thought he deserved that. I’m not a nasty person but my actions at the time were cruel, at a time when I was totally under the control of an extremely nasty man. It’s correct that John isn’t interested and it’s correct to question why he even would have been, but I was really trying to be nice. I had and have no desire to follow up with him by contacting him by another means and I knew this was a possibility. It just feels a bit shit, that’s why I posted.

OP posts:

NorthEndGal · 26/08/2019 20:35

Well, hopefully you can focus on the good stuff you are doing for yourself, and forget he existed.
Onward and upward!

HellonHeels · 26/08/2019 20:57

Are you still having counselling? It might be beneficial to unpick this message you sent and see what's underneath it. If you really did just want to explain and apologise, you could have done that in your message and left it at that.

Dangling the explanation as an incentive to meet, well I would have found that manipulative and self-serving. I'd also have suspected you were looking to re-start the relationship, and anticipated a whole lot of drama on the back of it.

Stuff to reflect on in your reasons for messaging and how you did it. Keep moving forward

MaeveDidIt · 26/08/2019 21:09

Blocking you was a very rude way of getting rid of you.
If he didn't want to know he could have very kindly said glad you're ok but I have moved on bla bla bla.
It's a rude and cowards way to stop contact, and personally i think you had a lucky escape from the him.

QualCheckBot · 26/08/2019 21:12

MaeveDit Blocking you was a very rude way of getting rid of you.
If he didn't want to know he could have very kindly said glad you're ok but I have moved on bla bla bla.

In what way is it rude? I block men all the time because there are those out there who will mess with your head if you engage with them, hence blocking them is a lot safer and easier.

Its entirely possible that the OP quite upset the guy, and again, I would deal with someone that did that to me by blocking them.

Lifes too short for sending polite messages to people that mess you around. Its also fairly kind, because you do not have to point out their faults to them.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 26/08/2019 21:14

He wasn't rude. He was under no obligation to reply to someone who made no contact for a year and ran out on a new romance without explanation.

Why is he due the op a kindness that she didn't afford him until she was good and ready, a year later?

sonjadog · 26/08/2019 21:36

I am not a big fan of blocking people but I do maybe understand why he did it. If someone disappeared from my life suddenly, and then turned up a year later wanting to meet me to talk about what they were feeling, then I think I would think thanks, but no thanks. I would think it was someone wanting to either unload all their feelings on me, or draw me into their drama. I would also be skeptical that it was going to be a one off rather than the start of a lot if contact. I would probably reply that I didn’t want contact, but blocking is not an unreasonable reaction.

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 22:24

How is it rude? If you ghost someone, then decide to pop up unexpectedly a year later wanting to catch up that could be seen as weird, red flag etc. A 100% genuine apology would have included an explanation in the message, not dangled in front of him on the proviso he meets up in person for a chat.

I think expecting him to formulate the correct kind response that will absolve the OP of any guilt, but also gently advising he would not like to meet up again while would be very nice, should not be expected. What I would personally expect is for them to see the message, think "oh sod off" & block. After being ghosted for a year, can't this person at least be allowed this small satisfaction ?

crappyday2018 · 26/08/2019 22:35

Sorry for the circumstances around why you ended things with him. However, if I was in his shoes I wouldn't have replied either. He's probably annoyed that you had the bare-faced cheek to contact him after a whole year! Doesn't matter how nice the message was. If I got one like that I would think "what a cheek" and block.
At least you tried OP and you can move on now, as he has clearly done. If he wanted to hear your explanation he would have replied, but he obviously doesn't.

Watchingthyme · 26/08/2019 22:39

This is all about you
If you were an empathetic person, you would feel hurt for a bit. And then completely understand why he did what he did and then you would MOVE on.

Something about you troubles me.

89Emma89 · 26/08/2019 23:04

I have started to date a really nice guy for a couple of weeks now. All was going well until tonight when he has just told me he still a virgin!! Were both 30 what do I do ?

simone1863 · 26/08/2019 23:08

@89Emma89

Go gentle with him

HellonHeels · 26/08/2019 23:20

Blocking without engaging is not rude. Its the standard advice for preserving your emotional and physical security.

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