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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I sent a message and got this back

113 replies

Mondayblues17 · 26/08/2019 15:16

I dated someone a while back, just over a year ago. I will call him John. At the time my ex was constantly abusing me (still), calling me saying he was going to kill himself, telling me he wasn’t well, threatening to lock me in the house an so on. I dated this new guy for around 3 months, during which time my ex was still trying very much to get back into my life, despite me ending the relationship almost 8 months earlier. On one occasion me and the new man met up and I just burst into tears and said I needed to leave. I didn’t give him an explanation, I was just a broken mess and felt like I couldn’t trust anyone and had given up in life in general.

I’m back to my usual self now after a lot of counselling. I messaged John and said could we meet for a chat, that I was sorry about what happened while we were dating, that I wish I had been totally honest with him about what was going on and that I would love the opportunity to apologise in person and give him a proper explanation. I said that I didn’t at all expect for anything romantic to come over, just that I wanted to make things right as far as I could as between us.

He read the message and then blocked me. I feel really sad. I didn’t expect us to be an item again although I would definitely have been open to it if I am honest. Mostly I feel my ex stole so much of my time and energy and now I am myself, me, the real me, I just wanted the opportunity to apologise to John and actually tell him the whole truth. It was selfish wasn’t it? I feel like shit about the fact he blocked me but then perhaps anyone would do that given he had no explanation at the time as to my behaviour.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 26/08/2019 15:58

Unfortunately I think It's unrealistic to imagine he would have any interest in the reasons for your behaviour a year ago, especially as you had only been seeing him for such a short time.

I think you need to put it behind you and move on.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 26/08/2019 15:58

would it help to send him a letter? FFS what kind of advice is this

John has made it clear he doesn’t want to talk, hence the BLOCKING! How is op writing a letter like an unhinged crazy woman going to help?

Honestly some times the advice on here 🙄

Original poster
Mondayblues17 · 26/08/2019 15:58

We had known each other a year on and off before that but not properly. Anyway, i won’t be messaging again!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 26/08/2019 16:00

What I mean is, maybe John thinks you are a real weirdo (due to not knowing you) and thus didn't want to get into any kind of conversation, even a polite "no thanks", because it might encourage you to stalk him or something...

rosedream · 26/08/2019 16:05

I know being blocked hurts and that's understandable however I think it's for the best.
Don't go back to anything that has any past connection to how you were and what was happening too you.
He may not have done anything wrong but he is a reminder to how you were.
Like you said you are a different person now. Continue on that path. It's amazing you've done this.
Be proud of yourself and leave the past firmly there.

Derbee · 26/08/2019 16:05

Ignore the advice to write him a letter, FFS!

As harsh as it sounds, I think you are conflating the two have moved on and put the situation with an abusive ex behind you. I think contacting John, and wanting closure/him to forgive you is selfish. I understand why you think it would be a good idea, but it would only be for your benefit.

You shouldn’t have messaged him, and you shouldn’t be overly surprised/upset that he didn’t respond and doesn’t want to get involved again. He may well have been hurt by your behaviour in the past, and doesn’t want a repeat.

Take the lessons you’ve learnt, and move on with a healthy relationship. Leave your awful ex, and John in the past.

sonjadog · 26/08/2019 16:06

I really wouldn't send a letter to him. Someone who is so not interested in talking to you that he blocks you isn't going to appreciate a letter.

I can understand why you are upset, OP, but there isn't anything to do about it. It's one of the moments in life where you just have to shrug and move on.

Original poster
Mondayblues17 · 26/08/2019 16:07

Raven I don’t think so because I didn’t phrase it like that and clearly said I wouldn’t message him again. I tried to be as nice as possible.

OP posts:
31RueCambon75001 · 26/08/2019 16:07

I agree, no no no to the suggestion to write a letter.

Not respecting his wish to not be in further contact now would be crazy. If you leave it where it is then maybe he'll always feel like he over reacted (blocking you) just to be on the ''safe side''.

If you write him a letter he will think omg I blocked her and STILL I'm face with her!

Original poster
Mondayblues17 · 26/08/2019 16:08

To those asking, of course I won’t write a letter

OP posts:
prawnsword · 26/08/2019 16:10

Because your ex has put you through the emotional wringer, then use that knowledge to help you forget about Blockin' John. If you can get over the drama your ex put you through, this is a total cinch :)

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 26/08/2019 16:17

I'm so sorry! What a horrible thing to have happened. Why couldn't he have just listened to your explanation? To immediately block someone after receiving an apologetic message like that ... just sucks.

I suppose you could look at it in a positive light - John obviously isn't that great shakes if he can't handle having a grown up conversation with you.

Give yourself some proper time to heal op and be kind to yourself. It's not your fault Flowers.

JockTamsonsBairns · 26/08/2019 16:18

Don't be too hard on yourself. You took a risk by contacting him, and it didn't pay off. He's blocked you, which I know is upsetting, but it's entirely his right to do so. In fact, he's probably done the right thing under the circumstances - short fling, drama laden, no contact for a year.

You've done well to come as far as you have. Chalk it up to experience, and focus on the future.

lemonyellowtangerine · 26/08/2019 16:22

You can use nice language but still come across as incredibly intense by the nature of what it is you're saying. For instance, I'm finding your posts quite intense.

You don't seem to understand that messaging someone you barely knew out of the blue gushingly telling them you want to meet in person to tell them the "truth" about your personal issues from a year ago and telling them they don't have to see you, don't have to reply, etc etc is spectacularly full on. I'd be really uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of that. No matter how polite the language.

Do you really think you're all done healing if you're still trying to go back into the past to change things? Still wanting validation from others about how you behaved and what you went through? Wanting to spill details of your trauma to someone you barely knew to validate it? Still got such shaky boundaries?

You've said multiple times you would have wanted to date him if he had asked. That's not really moving on. It's more like you're trying to go back and recapture the things the abuse stole from you.

You can grieve for what you went through and the doors it may have shut without bringing bystanders in to lay it all out to them.

Being able to speak the truth of what happened to you, and be the narrator of your own experiences, is an important part of healing from abuse. But the person you do that with is a therapist, or support group, or journal.

I'm not saying I think you should be all done healing after a year. I'm actually quite surprised you would think you are. It takes time.

Rachelover40 · 26/08/2019 16:22

I'm sad for you, Mondayblues, but at least you extended the hand of friendship to John. It was a difficult situation for you to be in and I hope you can move on now.

Every good wish for the future Flowers.

Hopoindown31 · 26/08/2019 16:22

@nextphonewontbesamsung

He knows little about her, she hasn't been in touch for a year after seriously messing him about and involving him in her drama with her abusive ex. I bet a million quid you would not be saying the same thing about a man acting like this towards a woman. John owes her nothing and doesn't want to get involved. She needs to take the hint.

Hopoindown31 · 26/08/2019 16:24

Also he may well be in a relationship with someone who would take a dim view of random messages from crazy exes.

Spingtrolls · 26/08/2019 16:28

Anyone who contacts me after months of no contacted is ignored and blocked.
I cannot be dealing with ghosting.
I cannot be dealing with others intense emotional drama that early and I would have broke it off anyway.

If I did give a shit I might send them and are you ok message.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/08/2019 16:28

You don’t know why he blocked you. Perhaps he has no ill will to you at all. He just doesn’t want to know you anymore. Maybe he’s protecting his mental health, has another partner or something else.

You told him you were sorry and would like the chance to explain. He declined. Send a mental message wishing him well as already suggested and get on with your life.

You did nothing wrong.

Spingtrolls · 26/08/2019 16:34

Writing a letter can be cathartic. As long as it’s never sent.
I do this sometimes for my own mh. Write everything down to get it out of my system and then destroy.

RantyAnty · 26/08/2019 16:36

John clearly doesn't do drama, has high self-esteem, and strong boundaries.

KurriKurri · 26/08/2019 16:44

I suspect as others have said he has moved on, or was a bit bemused after what happened or whatever reason he has for blocking you.
It doesn't really matter.

You have sent and apology and explanation for your behaviour - that's all you can do, and I think it shows courage and strength that you wanted to put things right with people you may have inadvertantly upset when you were going through a terribly tough time.
Let the fact that you have reached a place where you can send such a message be your closure.
See it as part of the process of drawing a line under the old life, where you were scared and trapped and struggling, and the begnning of your new life as an independent woman.

There will definitely be other Johns, new opportunities and new adventures, and now you are in a place where you can embrace and relish all the great things to come.

Good luck to you Flowers

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 26/08/2019 16:45

Hopoindown - she didn't involved him in the drama with her ex. The ex created the drama anyway, or are you going to blame our op for that too?

She wanted to apologise to John. John doesn't want to hear - his loss.

I would only block or cut off someone as a last resort. Anything less is just childish.

lboogy · 26/08/2019 16:48

Men don't spend time thinking about or wanting closure like women do. It's likely he's forgotten all about you tbh. You need to move on. Sorry your ex is and was such a dickhead. I hope you find the strength to cut him off too

steff13 · 26/08/2019 16:50

I don't think the OP did anything wrong, but I don't think it's fair to judge poor John. He hasn't done anything wrong either.

He and the OP dated for about 3 months a year ago, and then it sounds like she ghosted him. Why is he obligated to listen to the OP's apology and explanation? He may be a perfectly nice person who has just moved past this.

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