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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I sent a message and got this back

113 replies

Mondayblues17 · 26/08/2019 15:16

I dated someone a while back, just over a year ago. I will call him John. At the time my ex was constantly abusing me (still), calling me saying he was going to kill himself, telling me he wasn’t well, threatening to lock me in the house an so on. I dated this new guy for around 3 months, during which time my ex was still trying very much to get back into my life, despite me ending the relationship almost 8 months earlier. On one occasion me and the new man met up and I just burst into tears and said I needed to leave. I didn’t give him an explanation, I was just a broken mess and felt like I couldn’t trust anyone and had given up in life in general.

I’m back to my usual self now after a lot of counselling. I messaged John and said could we meet for a chat, that I was sorry about what happened while we were dating, that I wish I had been totally honest with him about what was going on and that I would love the opportunity to apologise in person and give him a proper explanation. I said that I didn’t at all expect for anything romantic to come over, just that I wanted to make things right as far as I could as between us.

He read the message and then blocked me. I feel really sad. I didn’t expect us to be an item again although I would definitely have been open to it if I am honest. Mostly I feel my ex stole so much of my time and energy and now I am myself, me, the real me, I just wanted the opportunity to apologise to John and actually tell him the whole truth. It was selfish wasn’t it? I feel like shit about the fact he blocked me but then perhaps anyone would do that given he had no explanation at the time as to my behaviour.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 26/08/2019 15:33

I think that you had the right to walk away then, as you had demons to deal with, and he has the right to walk away now, for any number of reasons.

It doesn't have to be about you per se, or it could be that he did feel hurt. The thing is that any apology wont undo the hurt from that time in any event.

It may be that he changes his mind after some thought, but really, there are some things outside of your control and this is one.

Don't beat yourself up though, you were doing your best to escape and to be honest it probably would have been obvious how vulnerable you were at that time, even to John, yet he was still interested?? Who knows if he was genuinely a nice guy, or simply taking advantage of your vulnerability?? Just a possibility to consider.

Original poster
Mondayblues17 · 26/08/2019 15:33

I did think about putting it in the message but it’s one of those things that’s hard to convey I think without being in person?

He probably thinks I’m crazy now anyway Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Mondayblues17 · 26/08/2019 15:34

I think he was a genuinely nice guy to be honest. But you’re right I don’t know for sure.

Thank you for the replies it means a lot and has made me feel like less of an idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mondayblues17 · 26/08/2019 15:38

Ahhhh I do feel like such an idiot every time I think about it. Realistically he was never going to reply was he.

Hope I don’t see him!!!

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 26/08/2019 15:39

Sorry to be blunt, but he blocked you because your drama is not his drama and he doesn't want get involved in it. You reasons for getting in touch were all about you and so why would he be interested. You don't need John to move forward.

If John had been a woman on here he would have been told that your behaviour was a massive red flag and to steer a wide berth around you if you should ever get back in contact in the future. Therefore he sounds like a guy with decent boundaries and his head screwed on tbh. Still there will always be women on here who will find fault with anyone with a penis.

Pinkbonbon · 26/08/2019 15:39

Chances are he felt you bursting down in tears was too heavy to deal with. Good to find that out early as it probably means he wasn't taking you seriously. I mean didn't he even message you after to see if you were OK?

That being said if you just vanished for a year he might think you are too much drama and so blocked you. Which us fair enough.

You couldn't lean on him when you were upset so maybe he wouldn't make a good pal anyway.

Tuesday2ndApril · 26/08/2019 15:41

Like others have said, don't beat yourself up. You've become a different person through your own efforts - use that new found belief in yourself to learn from this and move on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/08/2019 15:43

I think if I was him I would have at least replied.

If you accept there were reasons for your behaviour back then, you have to accept that there are reasons for his behaviour now. You have no idea what is going on for him. Mentally wish him well and look after yourself.

timshelthechoice · 26/08/2019 15:44

What RRJR said. Stop making it about you, too. You're not him and it's really not fair to say 'Well, he's not nice because I would have replied.' You flipped out on him and then went silent for a year and now you expect him to meet up with you? Too much drama. Move on with your life.

Original poster
Mondayblues17 · 26/08/2019 15:46

I didn’t say he wasn’t nice because he hadn’t replied? I don’t think I did anyway?

I think it’s not nice to not reply but at the same time completely see why he may not have done. I did expect that this would be the outcome. I just feel shit about it all and genuinely did want to apologise to him, even if the overall sentiment was selfish of me.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 26/08/2019 15:47

Forget about it. John obviously doesn't need nor want an explanation about something that happened a year ago. No doubt he has dated other people since and could have a partner now who wouldn't appreciate an ex showing up, for whatever reason. I agree with pp who suggested to focus on future friendships and relationships, and leave the past where it belongs. You have had counsellling to get you to a good place, and hopefully you will find someone who treats you really well when the time is right for you.

Blobby10 · 26/08/2019 15:48

*@Mondayblues17 * would it help to send him a letter? If you just want to get the truth to him, it might be cathartic for you, especially if that's all you want and you don't want/need to hear him say "Yes I understand I forgive you".

timshelthechoice · 26/08/2019 15:48

You are way overthinking and being dramatic about it. Okay, you wanted to apologise, he didn't care to hear it. Now move on!

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 26/08/2019 15:50

You should never of messaged him! What were you thinking, leave him and the past alone.

Whatever your reasons you weren’t great with John let’s face it and I can see why he blocked you.

John has moved on and good for John. John doesn’t owe you anything.

When you are truly in s better place you can look to date

timshelthechoice · 26/08/2019 15:50

FFS, send him a letter? Stalky, creepy and using him. He blocked. That means he doesn't want any more contact from the OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/08/2019 15:50

would it help to send him a letter?

I think after checking out his relationship status on FB, messaging and being blocked, a letter rises to the level of significant 'unwanted contact'. Unless you write the letter and burn it.

QualCheckBot · 26/08/2019 15:50

You barely know him, messed him around and now suddenly contact him. He probably thinks you're trouble and best avoided. He gave you a chance and he isn't into you enough to go back for more. Please don't send the guy more letters or messages, as someone suggests above. You risk coming across as obsessed.

NorthEndGal · 26/08/2019 15:51

If I dated someone for a short time who was involved in drama with their ex, freaked out on a date and then blanked me for a year, yes, I'd block them hard if them tried to contact me.

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 15:51

It stings to be blocked, but take it as a lesson to not date when you're feeling emotionally broken - it means you're not ready to date yet. He probably liked you at the time to have dated for 3 months. But after all this time of no contact simply doesn't have any interest in reengaging with you again.

SunshineCake · 26/08/2019 15:51

I know you were hoping he'd want you as his girlfriend again but tbh you owe him no explanation though nice as it would have been if you'd told him sooner. Don't feel you have to tell him as he doesn't own you. Admit it was more because you missed him and let it and him go.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 26/08/2019 15:53

Do not send him a letter. You messaged, he blocked you, don't just trample all over his feelings and the clear signal he sent you because it's cathartic for you to write to him.

Terrible advice.

31RueCambon75001 · 26/08/2019 15:55

Oh dear. I feel sorry for you because I've had experiences like this where you can see the other ships that sailed because of self-destructive decisions and low self-esteem.

Just chalk it down to a learning opportunity. You feel very uncomfortable right now and that is what makes this a learning moment

You hadn't got your ex out of your HEAD. You'd got him out of your life but due to low / weak boundaries, he slipped in under your defences and confused you and manipulated you.

I think the man who blocked you was entitled to block you, it would have been kinder to say ''thank you, I wish you all the best but I don't want to meet'' but maybe he instantly blocked you out of guilt, feeling conflicted himself, awkwardness, lack of communication or because he was afraid of his own tendency to ''white knight syndrome''. So don't let this ''devalue'' you if you see what I mean. Or maybe he wasn't as kind / mature as the person you could have in your life and you haven't lost any opportunity at all.

Concentrate on yourself..

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 15:55

"I think it’s not nice to not reply"

On the flip side it is also not nice to date someone for several months when you have not put your previous relationship to rest properly. He wasted 3 months of his life presumably liking you, getting dragged into the drama of your ex.

As others have said, do not write a letter. He has put up the boundary of blocking you, just move on with your life & learn to treat people's feelings with more respect in dating situations.

Original poster
Mondayblues17 · 26/08/2019 15:56

I won’t contact him again obviously and in the message I actually said I understand if you don’t reply and I won’t try to contact you again.

I think he could have just said thanks for the message but I don’t want to meet up, good luck... or whatever!

I wasn’t expecting to go out with him again but yes I would have had he wanted to. I didn’t refer to this at all in the message as it certainly wasn’t number one on the agenda.

To the poster who said I’m focusing on it too much, I just wanted to share that I felt a bit sad generally over it. No need to be rude?!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 26/08/2019 15:57

You knew John for just 3 months? So he doesn't know you well? For all he knows, you might be a total weirdo? I don't think contacting him out of the blue a year later to talk about things will have lessened that impression.