I feel like my marriage is falling apart

[Sayhellotothethings]

It is breaking me to post about this but I need to speak to people who are impartial and don't know what else to do. I feel so alone.

DH and I have been together for 10 years with a very happy relationship, married for 3 of them.
Since we have had a baby, things have changed. I feel like my husband isn't there sometimes and I'm talking to someone else that is emotionally distant. Our baby is 3 months old so early days, I know.

Background - our baby was very much wanted. I was diagnosed with an illness that would likely effect my ability to have children over time, so we decided to ttc a couple of years earlier than planned. A joint decision. One MC and a year later, I fell pregnant with our LO. He was happy about it.

Fast forward to me at about 8 months pregnant and he revealed he had been anxious about completely losing our relationship, and some freedom. I asked what he meant and he said the ability to go to the gym after work, or go on date nights. We talked through everything and he told me he felt better.

We are now where we are. I thought things were fine. He is a great dad, he loves our baby and does his share. But he told me that he feels 'dead behind the eyes' when I ask how he is feeling now, he loves us all individually but put together he isn't happy. I say us because there is a dog included in this, that he is now saying I pressurised him in to getting (although we applied to adopt him together...apparently him putting in place specific requirements for a type of rescue dog was his way of trying to stop it happening, instead of sticking with 'no').

I have asked him what it is that he isn't happy with, and he says he doesn't know. He doesn't know what he wants to change. He misses our life pre-baby but says he wouldn't change having one and loves her.

I do a lot to support his feelings and he acknowledges I can't do much more - he goes to the gym to wind down several times a week after work, I do 80% of night feeds, he has been out with friends. We have been on a date night and have the option of going on another soon if we want.
He said he was finding the hassle of walking the dog so much a problem because it meant he wasn't getting a lot of down time after work (health issues when pg meant I couldn't and I have only recently recovered from child birth). I took this on board and now do more of it.

He mentioned wanting to go on holiday together spontaneously (which we have never done) so I suggested I book something for us, then he says no because of money. We can afford to go, though. Now he is saying we should book something again.

He says that he has spent our time together trying to make me happy because that is all he wants, and maybe the decisions he has made haven't been right for him, as in an ideal world we wouldn't have a dog or have had a child just yet. In every big step of our life e.g. having a child, I kept making sure doors for conversation were open and made sure it was something we both wanted before even coming off birth control.

The latest is that he said he was going to spend a night away in a hotel to clear his head. I asked what he intended to do there and he said swim, have dinner, chill out. This reads to me as run away from his family and test the waters of being alone. He says this isn't the case as if he wanted to leave he would have just packed his bags.
He felt strongly that he needed to do this so I ended up packing bags for me, the dog, the baby, and have stayed with a family member overnight (if he wants his alone time I'm not sitting back and feeling like crap on his terms, on my own whilst he has a swim...). I asked him what he wanted to get out of doing that, he said he was hoping for a bad nights sleep and to make sense of his thoughts.

I have suggested couples therapy which he is open to. He thinks he would benefit from counselling on his own, but unfortunately this having a night away thing has dented things for me and I think we need to look at reconnecting together.
We had already been through this and he told me things were ok, so I feel like I can't trust that if he says it again.

He went to the GP regarding depression which they did not think he had, and said he was just struggling with the lifestyle change of having a baby.

I'm not sure what else to do. I love him dearly and we have the most amazing life. He even agrees, we have everything. But he is unhappy with it and can't put his finger on why. I feel like my marriage is crumbling and I am losing my best friend.

And no, he isn't having an affair. I've already had the discussion.

@Dljlr

I couldn't make him happy, I couldn't regret our lovely son but his misery always seemed to return to his 'lack of freedom' from having him, and ultimately I grew ill from being forced to take responsibility for every single joint decision we'd made that he now regretted and ultimately for his entire happiness. It just got to a point where something clicked and I thought actually, fuck you. You don't like this life? Go find a better one. I'm done.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I hope OP gets to a similar place of strength to realise she does not have to take responsibility for her DH’s decisions and his unhappiness. I’m glad you discovered you were worth more and I hope OP does too.

he told me that he feels 'dead behind the eyes'
I feel like my husband isn't there sometimes and I'm talking to someone else that is emotionally distant
he feels emotionless (paraphrasing that one as can't find exact post to quote

On surface level comments suggest depression, but really reveal someone who is faking it, putting on an act.

Re-writing history

Depression does NOT make you alter the facts of history & skew them to suit your current narrative. Yes your perceptions of events can be warped, but it doesn't make you think you did/say things you didn't actually do or say.

Commenting "why wouldn't I want this?" while looking down in the crib at baby

On surface level a tender moment between Father & child. but this comment can be construed differently, depending on tone. I suspect he wanted to create a contrived, fake happy moment, that he is saying "I wouldn't rather be anywhere else". But I interpret that he is really asking himself - "why don't I want this?"

he has agreed to give it 6 months & if not better by then can try "something else"

How generous of him. Also nice of him to take initiative & lock in a timeframe for this to work by. Shame he won't share what any of his ideas what "something else" might be.

This bloke has boiled my piss today. OP you sounds so kind & understanding.... an amazing wife & mother

OP,
You sound like such a lovely woman who is jumping through hoops, having just had a baby, to keep a weak, selfish, self absorbed man happy.

I think in years to come you will see that.

You are too dependent on him and he knows it.

How inconvenient that your recovery from your child's birth was a little longer.

I find what you have written about him wholeheartedly a bit of a con. But I appreciate you are to kind to see it.

Something is going on alright but it hasn't come out yet.

Please go to those who love you for support and help. Don't go through this on your own.

FWIW OP, I’m thinking the same as @lavenderandthyme on all this. Carry on talking, carry on doing baby things together, go for the counselling.

And probably the dog would manage with a walk every other day without going nuts. More poop-scooping on the back lawn but hey.

And at least you know you’re definitely not alone with no one to talk to anymore

I can't believe you're falling for his shite OP!

I've known him for 12 years, been with him for 10, and this isn't him
You're not the first woman to find that her 'wonderful' man has had a personalty transplant overnight - once a baby came along.
Abusive/selfish men don't show you ALL their true colours at once - and some things are left for precisely situations like this....it's a lot harder to walk away when you're juggling hormones, new baby and new life change - with reduced/limited finances.
Even then, you need the mental and physical energy to organise walking away.

He says that he has spent our time together trying to make me happy...and maybe the decisions he has made haven't been right for him, as in an ideal world we wouldn't have a dog or have had a child just yet
Translated - "I want the good things in life - dog/wife/dc etc - but I don't want the actual responsibility that goes with it....especially if it means I have to step up and do a bit more...and most definitely not if it means I have to adjust/miss out on hobbies/single guy lifestyle"

So he was doing all of the dog stuff morning and night for nearly a year
Only because he HAD to, not because he WANTED to support you.
Now he wants to go back to 50/50 re the dog at least - if he can't make you believe you should do more cos 'you're at home all day'.
He knows he can't say that out loud - so instead chooses to accuse you of forcing him to take on responsibility he didn't want.
He doesn't WANT to take responsibility for his DC either - so now blames you for forcing him into fatherhood too.

The problem is that you don't see this - cos you're too busy making yourself responsible for his feelings and sorting his issues out - once YOU have figured them out for him cos he apparently can't do that for himself either.
There's only ONE infant here who needs mothering - and it isn't him.

at about 8 months pregnant and he revealed he had been anxious about completely losing our relationship, and some freedom
That's when he planted the seed in YOUR head.....
From thereon in the onus was on YOU to take responsibility for his feelings/problems and their 'solutions'...and you've been doing it and still are.

He's gaslighting you to fuck and you don't even see it!

He does his share of helping with the baby
Really? You do 80% of night feeds and he's at the gym several times a week...and you don't go out and do stuff.
Looking after dc whilst you take a bath/do chores/go for a shit isn't doing a 'fair share' of childcare or actually taking on proper parental duties.

You are the default parent even when he's in the house.
Stop fooling yourself.
You're doing a large majority of the parenting ON YOUR OWN WITHOUT HIS SUPPORT.

I have asked him what it is that he isn't happy with, and he says he doesn't know. He doesn't know what he wants to change
Yet YOU have been given, and have assumed, responsibility for figuring this out and finding solutions...meanwhile you're EXPECTED to keep dealing with the consequences - on your own.

He's been so sneaky and manipulative in how he's gone about making sure HIS lifestyle isn't affected by the extra responsibilities he CHOSE to be a part of - dog and dc.

Have you noticed OP, how his hobbies/time to himself hasn't actually been impacted by the arrival of dc?
How you can't even say anything about that?
He's done it so that you can't win or do right for doing wrong -
You can't say he needs to cut down on his leisure activities - cos then you're not being 'supportive' of his mental health.
You can't ask him to take on more housework or dc responsibilities - because he can't 'help' feeling disconnected and 'dead behind the eyes', which of course naturally affects his memory and ability to 'see' and 'do' without being instructed

You're expected to figure out what's going on his head...keep providing solutions...keep giving all your leftover energy and attention to him.
It's all about him and has been from the moment he 'shared' his feelings with you at 8 months pregnant.

He chose to have a 'relaxed' night away in a hotel pampering himself -
When has he asked YOU what you need?
When has he arranged something like this for you? It only takes 5 minutes to book a home visit from a masseuse/beautician.
Your whole entire system - physical, mental and emotional has gone through and is still going through massive changes.
When has he considered the effect of this on you?

He does not give one genuine shiny shit about you in this OP.
He wants only the best bits of 'family' and even then it has to be on his terms.
He's playing you like a fiddle.

Am thinking you will suffer deferred PND at some point through this OP, you have enough to deal with having a new baby, all the emotional investment in your partner is a stretch too far IMHO

@SavingSpaces2019
Why are you rambling so much? Jesus.

OP knows her husband. It isn’t your place to argue with her facts. If she says he helps with the baby, then he helps with the baby. The idea that you, a random over-invested stranger, on an Internet forum knows more is preposterous!

Why is it so difficult for some people to understand that men can have poor mental health? Wether or not this is happening in OP’s case, I don’t know. But the fact that you and other posters are so dismissive of it reflects poorly you/them.

Why are you rambling so much? Jesus.
What's it to you?
Why is it bothering you so much?
This is an OPEN FORUM FOR DISCUSSION....so i can pretty much say exactly what i feel/think.......

The idea that you, a random over-invested stranger, on an Internet forum knows more is preposterous!
Yes - cos us MN Strangers can never ever spot lying, abusive wankers jumping straight off the OP's post.....
I mean WHY on earth do people insist on posting on MN for advice/insight when we don't even know the people involved - or even if the OP is telling the real truth in the first place eh?..........

But the fact that you and other posters are so dismissive of it reflects poorly you/them
I'm not dismissive of his mental health - which even his own GP did not think he had, and said he was just struggling with the lifestyle change of having a baby
Considering the impact his BEHAVIOUR is having on OP and their relationship and all he 'wants' is to make OP happy - you'd think he would actually take some personal responsibility for getting help?.....

i'm dismissive of the shite he's spouting whilst his actions point to the opposite -
that he knows EXACTLY what the problem is - but he's choosing to blame OP for 'forcing' dc and dog on him...like it's her fault that he is now 'trapped' with adult/parental responsibilities that he does NOT WANT

Oh and don't forget that he KNOWS what the solution is, well actually he knew it before the baby even arrived...carry on living life like it was BEFORE parenthood.....actually add on another 6 months to his 'therapy'....so after almost a full year of dodging parental/partnership responsibilities he can re-assess whether the luxuries he never gave up or compromised on are actually helping him deal with his 'problems'...which are apparent still not clear and concise enough for him to put his finger on

i'm not blind to the bullshit games he's playing.

You nailed it!!!

Cleo I forgot to add......

he finds the baby stage harder because to men, or at least him, babies are boring. He is much better now that she is smiling and laughing
How much do you wanna bet his 'condition' improves a lot more when DC is at least a year old and more 'fun' to be with?

Don't fool yourself though - there is no 'cure' for his particular type of malady....
Well there is, but OP is currently so co-dependent on him that she can't see the wood for the trees...if she had her own friends and support networks to share this with then maybe the advice would be a lot more 'insightful' than what strangers on the internet can give.
Shame isn't it?

@SavingSpaces2019

No rambling there.

Definitely nailed it👍

I really hear how much you love him and hes your BF. And would urge you to start becoming more emotionally resilient, depend on yourself not on your OH for your happiness and wellbeing. Your LO needs you to be there for her no matter where this goes. I hope your OH gets the help he needs, and in the meantime, work on yourself too. It sounds like you have journey ahead - prepare.

I would think he had PND more if he was actually doing more active parenting - I have never had a kid, but do have bipolar depression. PND is a type of depression, but it is not a completely different form, it is simply depression due to hormonal/lifestyle changes post-pregnancy. So we are NOT being unsympathetic here - people who have depression would be in a good position to spot bullshit when we see it because we have been there.

I would predict that most people who feel PND have a narrative that is about

• overwhelming sense of responsibility
• Don't feel they are doing good enough
• feel their family would be better off without them

That is NOT what is happening here. He is regretful & moping & gaslighting because he can't own his true feelings. He is living a lie. It' not the same as true depression. He might be feeling depressed because he doesn't like his life but he don't have depression m'ladies....

Like he hasn't been doing much parenting but chose to take himself off to a hotel. NOT the same as a strung out PND suffering spouse who was about to snap & needed a break.

Depression can make you selfish, but also being an arsehole can make you selfish. I dislike the man bashing on here - but this bloke is textbook scriptwriter.

I think he has PND.

Sadly, men with depression tend to act out in selfish and destructive ways.

Just an update in case can anyone here finds themself in the same boat.

He has seen a different GP and been told he is depressed. It's important to note that his first GP appointment was when our LO was only 3 weeks old. For a woman that would still be classed as baby blues. He is going to individual counselling shortly and we had a couple counselling session to help us communicate better right now.

When has he arranged something like this for you? It only takes 5 minutes to book a home visit from a masseuse/beautician.

He has actually done this for me and did it throughout pregnancy too

Well there is, but OP is currently so co-dependent on him that she can't see the wood for the trees...if she had her own friends and support networks to share this with then maybe the advice would be a lot more 'insightful' than what strangers on the internet can give.
Shame isn't it?

I do have friends and support networks. How do you think I managed to stay away for a night? But in the middle of the night when my thoughts were racing, I needed people to speak to and came here. I have anxiety issues myself and can't contain these things or they spiral.

The hotel stay is no longer happening and he realised that was just a way to isolate himself. Since all of this at the weekend, we have had a relatively normal few days, aside from the counselling.

The depression diagnosis has obviously made him feel a bit shit but he also feels some relief that he has a reason for his feelings not making sense to him. He is really keen to get the ball rolling to try and get better.

I know people on here think he is being an asshole. But I also know if this was a woman everyone would say PND.
Going and exercising, so I've been told, is actually good for depression because of an endorphin release.
He has acknowledged since last night that he gets a lot more relaxation time than I do and he is now encouraging me to have more time to myself, and not to feel I need to tread on egg shells if I need him at home. I think he sees things from my perspective a bit more and we are going to plan time for ourselves and time for us all a bit better.

*I would predict that most people who feel PND have a narrative that is about

• overwhelming sense of responsibility
• Don't feel they are doing good enough
• feel their family would be better off without them*

He actually said all these words to me though. The last one scared me and we talked through it a lot, of course.

It doesn't help that unfortunately he grew up in a 'men don't cry' household, so struggles with opening up a bit when he is feeling very low. He told me that he was very scared about saying any of this to me, so instead he has been trying to make sense of it all in his head and it has actually then made things worse.

Women with small babies and PND still care for the child. He's doing fuck all, which points more to selfish. Men behaving badly often get diagnosed with depression and the women around them then are expected to fall over themselves to take on even more of the load.

He might also be depressed, but that isn't why he's behaving this way. He's behaving this way because he's immature, petulant, lazy and selfish - and because he can.

A lot of mothers are depressed, some life theateningly so. They still do most of everything. He should, at bare minimum, do some of something.

Good to see your update OP.
Do keep a close eye out though.
I'm not sure it's just depression.
And I'm pleased he is going to step up more now.
YOU need love and support right now as well.
It can't all be about him.
Well done and keep going.
You can get through this.

Tread carefully here. One of my friends was in a similar situation. They had been together a long time, married a good while then had a baby. He was always going out, going to the gym, expressing his unhappiness too which my friend went all out to cater for basically taking sole care of their daughter and doing most of it alone. He then started getting involved with someone from his work and left my friend for this woman. When I say left, he actually pushed my friend to move 140 miles back to her family and he stayed in the house they bought, which 4 and a half year on still isn't sold! He moved the OW into their house but they have since split!

Her husband has returned to more of his old self but my friend would never take him back and I don't even think that's on the cards anyway. However, he said he wishes at the time he just went to the doctor and got help with depression as he was clearly quite depressed with all the change and responsibility and maybe if he did that, he wouldn't have been such a c**t.

I would get him to go back to the doctor and explain again. The doctor is saying he's just struggling with the change in lifestyle but that struggle is causing him to want to spend nights away from his family and perhaps resent his child and dog and for that, intervention is needed.

You can't live like this and the poor dog and your child can't either. Why does he need to go to the gym when walking a dog is great exercise? Because he wants to escape from EVERYONE.

I feel for you

I just read that he has been diagnosed with depression which is a good step to take and hopefully this will help things

And the thing is, he does help with the baby. If I've had a day couped up he will encourage me to go out and have time to myself, whether it's see a friend for a drink (I haven't done this), go out for a few hours to an event (I did this the other day), or just go on a nice walk through the countryside. Pre-pregnancy I would always go for ealks through the woods with the dog on my own because it helped me unwind.

Part of this is my issue because I feel guilty for going out and leaving LO, like I shouldn't want a break. Some people have told me I shouldn't! Which is of course, bullshit.

Next weekend I'm going for a spa day and in a couple of weeks time I'm having a girly evening out.

So he does help and he does encourage me to have my own time. I'm just really shit at doing it. He has a regular hobby he can go to and I don't want to pick any of my old ones up. I'm going to go back to my once a week weekend hobby once we have got through this a bit (and that is me choosing to delay it for my own comfortability).

Everyone that thought there was something deeper going on - I asked him about this and we had a flat out conversation about it. He knows I was paranoid so leaves his phone around all the time so I can look at it if I want. In honesty, for a short while, I did look. Never anything out of the ordinary.

In any other time of his life, he has been an amazing husband and been there for me. Several years ago I was probably actually a complete burden to him because I was so anxious I was having panic attacks several times a day. He stuck by me and helped me. I would lie on the bedroom floor too scared to do things. I got through it, with his support. I have had two lots of counselling for my own anxiety, and now, a few years on, I am in a better place. I know what it is like to have shitty mental health and I know my husband.