It is breaking me to post about this but I need to speak to people who are impartial and don't know what else to do. I feel so alone.
DH and I have been together for 10 years with a very happy relationship, married for 3 of them.
Since we have had a baby, things have changed. I feel like my husband isn't there sometimes and I'm talking to someone else that is emotionally distant. Our baby is 3 months old so early days, I know.
Background - our baby was very much wanted. I was diagnosed with an illness that would likely effect my ability to have children over time, so we decided to ttc a couple of years earlier than planned. A joint decision. One MC and a year later, I fell pregnant with our LO. He was happy about it.
Fast forward to me at about 8 months pregnant and he revealed he had been anxious about completely losing our relationship, and some freedom. I asked what he meant and he said the ability to go to the gym after work, or go on date nights. We talked through everything and he told me he felt better.
We are now where we are. I thought things were fine. He is a great dad, he loves our baby and does his share. But he told me that he feels 'dead behind the eyes' when I ask how he is feeling now, he loves us all individually but put together he isn't happy. I say us because there is a dog included in this, that he is now saying I pressurised him in to getting (although we applied to adopt him together...apparently him putting in place specific requirements for a type of rescue dog was his way of trying to stop it happening, instead of sticking with 'no').
I have asked him what it is that he isn't happy with, and he says he doesn't know. He doesn't know what he wants to change. He misses our life pre-baby but says he wouldn't change having one and loves her.
I do a lot to support his feelings and he acknowledges I can't do much more - he goes to the gym to wind down several times a week after work, I do 80% of night feeds, he has been out with friends. We have been on a date night and have the option of going on another soon if we want.
He said he was finding the hassle of walking the dog so much a problem because it meant he wasn't getting a lot of down time after work (health issues when pg meant I couldn't and I have only recently recovered from child birth). I took this on board and now do more of it.
He mentioned wanting to go on holiday together spontaneously (which we have never done) so I suggested I book something for us, then he says no because of money. We can afford to go, though. Now he is saying we should book something again.
He says that he has spent our time together trying to make me happy because that is all he wants, and maybe the decisions he has made haven't been right for him, as in an ideal world we wouldn't have a dog or have had a child just yet. In every big step of our life e.g. having a child, I kept making sure doors for conversation were open and made sure it was something we both wanted before even coming off birth control.
The latest is that he said he was going to spend a night away in a hotel to clear his head. I asked what he intended to do there and he said swim, have dinner, chill out. This reads to me as run away from his family and test the waters of being alone. He says this isn't the case as if he wanted to leave he would have just packed his bags.
He felt strongly that he needed to do this so I ended up packing bags for me, the dog, the baby, and have stayed with a family member overnight (if he wants his alone time I'm not sitting back and feeling like crap on his terms, on my own whilst he has a swim...). I asked him what he wanted to get out of doing that, he said he was hoping for a bad nights sleep and to make sense of his thoughts.
I have suggested couples therapy which he is open to. He thinks he would benefit from counselling on his own, but unfortunately this having a night away thing has dented things for me and I think we need to look at reconnecting together.
We had already been through this and he told me things were ok, so I feel like I can't trust that if he says it again.
He went to the GP regarding depression which they did not think he had, and said he was just struggling with the lifestyle change of having a baby.
I'm not sure what else to do. I love him dearly and we have the most amazing life. He even agrees, we have everything. But he is unhappy with it and can't put his finger on why. I feel like my marriage is crumbling and I am losing my best friend.
And no, he isn't having an affair. I've already had the discussion.