Partner told me he hates my kids...it's over, isn't it

[littlegecko]

I apologise as this is going to be lengthy - I just need to clear my thoughts if I'm going to get any sleep tonight. (I've name changed for this post.)

I've been with my partner for 7 years and we have a pre-school aged son together. I have two teenage children from a previous relationship.

My teenagers are pretty typical teenagers. DD can be a bit feisty and is very messy. Her bedroom is always a tip and she leaves mess wherever she goes. Generally she's a good kid - she did brilliantly in her GCSEs, has lovely friends and works weekends - and has a very likeable personality. DS1 is also exceptionally good - he never has an attitude and we have had no issues with him. He is also very bright, has good friendships and a weekend job. Again, he can be a bit messy. I would say they are a very typical teenage boy and girl. People - ie family, colleagues, friends etc always say how lovely they are.

Partner generally has nothing good to say about them. He will point out every little thing that they do and make derogatory comments about them. I understand that their mess annoys him, but instead of asking them to tidy up nicely he will say stuff like "what cunt has left this spoon here" etc. He refers to my daughter as "the tramp" or "the skank".

He also moans about what they are doing in regards to school and says they will never be anything when they are older.

I am writing this and cringing...I don't know why I have let this go on. I guess I've had my head in the sand, just hoping things would get easier.

Partner criticises my parenting all the time and says I'm too soft.

This evening, my DD had left her bag on the sofa. Partner has started slagging her off to me and saying she's disrespectful, and I said that maybe he should try acting nicer to her rather than like he hates her. He then said that he does hate her and told me everything that my kids do that annoys him.

I guess hearing it like that has reiterated what I already knew. I've told him we are finished and we are currently not talking.

Our relationship is not great. We don't have anything in common and he makes no effort to get to know my family or friends. He has no interest in anything I do. Anything I enjoy, he refers to as "shit" and "a bore-fest". In regards to his family and his hobbies, I have to take an active interest or he sulks. I find everything about him negative.

The problem I have is finances. I live in partners house (he owned it long before I came on the scene). I work in a term time job so my wage isn't great. I did a benefit calculation and with top ups could definitely afford to rent on my own - but I need to muster some money together first, and can't do that on my wage.

I am so frustrated by it all, but desperate to leave asap. There's no way I can continue to pretend that everything is okay but don't know how the hell I can ever afford to move out.

Sorry for long post, any advice would be very welcome. Also, I am aware that I have subjected my two eldest to damaging behaviour and am expecting some criticism. They always just say "well that's what he's like" and don't seem too affected, but I know deep down that it must get them down. It gets me down enough being caught in the middle, so I know it's probably worse for them being on the receiving end.

Saranade I've reported your posts.

You are not helping the OP at all. The OP has come on here, the relationships board, and created this thread for support, advice and a hand hold after telling her DP it's over. Being downright argumentative and derailing the thread is nasty.

Currently reading through all the most recent posts.

Thank you to the poster who mentioned the Education Support Partnership - I had never heard of it until now, and I have worked in education for a decade. It looks like a really useful service in many respects.

Truth Do you work in a job with people who have experienced DA ? If not, I think you should. Some of your perceptions have given a whole different angle - thank you for that.

crazyladee I’ve reported her as well, wrote out a post earlier to tell her to leave off ricko’shea but my phone went down.

I’d hazard a guess that Truth works in the field. Sometimes people don’t want to say in case it outs them, OP.

She talks a lot of sense.

Please don’t let bullying posters like Saranade make you leave the thread. Or be afraid of coming back another time having name-changed.

I really hope and pray you get your kids and you out, and soon.

Appreciate the kind comments

Get out OP, and with respect, please don't embark on another relationship for as long as your children are living with you.
I wish you and your children well.

@SaraNade

You need to get a new dictionary. 'verballed'? 'eluded'? I assume you mean alluded [to]?

SaraNade

Indeed and apologies. As I subsequently corrected myself, I had somehow missed that crucial point.
However, after a terrifying first 10 years of life my mum had to take my brother and I away from the family home and go on the run, moving from progressively more obscure and distant relatives from week to week for nearly 3 months in the 1970s. This involved taking us out of school. Despite the physical, sexual and mental abuse at home, I found the moving around (and attendant adult whispering in corners) and being away from School almost as traumatic. Continuity is best if it can at all be achieved and were OP’s home in joint names, my original point that he must leave was I believe correct (family court would usually agree).

My mother had no choice. My father was mentally ill and extremely dangerous, ignored every injunction and said he would kill us all if he found us, which I have absolutely no doubt he would have.

Get out OP, and with respect, please don't embark on another relationship for as long as your children are living with you.

What a grotesque thing to say.

I believe that OP knows better than to heed such utter nonsense.

BTW, saying with respect doesn't camouflage the disrespect, blame, ignorance, or lack of compassion in that statement.

Of course she needs to keep her relationships separate from the children from now on, the children have been subjected to two abusive men, do you really think the op should be bringing a THIRD one around?!

@TruthOnTrial
Grotesque my backside. Honestly, what goes through the head of a poster like you? The OP's children have been exposed to two abusive relationships, and despite their resilience, this will undoubtedly have left some degree of damage.
The OP herself said that she is afraid of making poor relationship choices, so the obvious thing to do is abstain, and maybe do some work on herself to avoid future relationship mistakes.
The children must come first, which I'm sure the OP would agree with.

@PumpkinP thanks for being a voice of reason

OP, if I seemed lacking in empathy, then I apologise but I can assure you this was unintended. It takes so much strength to get out of a relationship like this, and I genuinely do wish you the best.

OP you are doing the right thing! Whatever you can do, do it.

My step dad sounds like your partner. He ruined my teenage years. He talked about me and my brother to my mum and to my face exactly like your partner.

The result is a very strained relationship with my mum now I'm 31 and have a child, I cannot forgive her for not protecting me from the mental abuse. I have had therapy. I try but my cup is empty as she's still with him pandering at the expense of our relationship.

Please follow through with it OP, I know it's hard

OP you need to be in charge. Not your DC's.
Is there a possibility oh could stay with his parents for a while until things are sorted?

I think I've tried to minimise what's going on by comparing the two relationships and deciding this one is nowhere near as bad

Escaping a Level 10 bastard doesn't mean a Level 8 is acceptable.
Please remember this as you go on in future. The only acceptable level of abuse in your home is none.

Wishing you & your DCs strength OP

OP, I am so impressed with your honesty and strength. You know what you need to do, your post shines with what a great job you have done parenting your children, and how you know your partner should not speak you or your children in the way he does.

I am so sorry I don’t have any concrete advice, but I wanted to wish you well on your journey away from this person who does not deserve to be part of your family
unit.

I can understand the dilemma of getting out and the upsetting yours and DC's security so to speak. But what needs to be done needs to be done. The quicker you do it the better for all.
Here's a thing, your DC's might be putting up with it for you.
Best of luck

I hooe OP, that you resist this nonsense and blame from some here.

You have been very unlucky. Due to the high levels of domestic abuse hopefully you can know that many women experience your situation, its not their fault. Others can often believe that women chose to be abused and its abhorrent.

There are many in wonderful relatiionships that had horrific times as children growing up under abuse, and likewise many women who had wonderful childhoods, that have abusive partners.

There is no correlation! Although, noone xouls blame you for being worried about being with another man after your experiences. Some are abusive, some are not.

Like you said, like all say, this isnt what's apparent to you with an abuser at the outset, not until they have you vulnerable to them (marriage/pregnancy/children/isolated).

Something like the freedom programme could give you the inside track on how 'they' operate, would give you more confidence to know its all about them, not you, its not personal.

I hope you are ok op. You are right, keep going, you will get there.
Thank you crazyladee and walkamile

Thanks again all !

The weekend had been a bit weird - partner trying to be all nice to the oldest two (but I'm not buying this - we have these periods and then something will annoy him and it all starts again).

I haven't had any time alone with him - we are being civil infront of the kids and then avoiding eachother in the evenings. I was thinking that we need a discussion, but to be honest - there isn't anything to discuss.

I will make some phonecalls tomorrow and then hopefully be able to decide a plan of action on moving out. Him going is not an option, as he owns the house we live in. I've had some good advice on this thread and now know of more places to contact - so am feeling a bit more hopeful in that respect.

Well done for seeing him for what he is.

If you're having problems with finances please contact your local council and they can help.

I hope you can get out as soon as possible. The damage this man could do to your children is massive.

Another cheer from here too

You see through it all and make your own plans and decisions.

Well done you X
Stay strong you can do this

How are you getting on OP?

Haven't read the full thread. Fuck the money. Get on the phone to womens aid and get you and your kids in a refuge. You cannot continue allowing this abuse. Just because it's not physical hes still disgustingly abusing your daughter

Please tell me he doesn’t say these things to your children’s faces.

He sounds absolutely awful and reading the tramp and stank comments really annoyed me. He is nothing but a bully and deserves to be alone.