Partner told me he hates my kids...it's over, isn't it

[littlegecko]

I apologise as this is going to be lengthy - I just need to clear my thoughts if I'm going to get any sleep tonight. (I've name changed for this post.)

I've been with my partner for 7 years and we have a pre-school aged son together. I have two teenage children from a previous relationship.

My teenagers are pretty typical teenagers. DD can be a bit feisty and is very messy. Her bedroom is always a tip and she leaves mess wherever she goes. Generally she's a good kid - she did brilliantly in her GCSEs, has lovely friends and works weekends - and has a very likeable personality. DS1 is also exceptionally good - he never has an attitude and we have had no issues with him. He is also very bright, has good friendships and a weekend job. Again, he can be a bit messy. I would say they are a very typical teenage boy and girl. People - ie family, colleagues, friends etc always say how lovely they are.

Partner generally has nothing good to say about them. He will point out every little thing that they do and make derogatory comments about them. I understand that their mess annoys him, but instead of asking them to tidy up nicely he will say stuff like "what cunt has left this spoon here" etc. He refers to my daughter as "the tramp" or "the skank".

He also moans about what they are doing in regards to school and says they will never be anything when they are older.

I am writing this and cringing...I don't know why I have let this go on. I guess I've had my head in the sand, just hoping things would get easier.

Partner criticises my parenting all the time and says I'm too soft.

This evening, my DD had left her bag on the sofa. Partner has started slagging her off to me and saying she's disrespectful, and I said that maybe he should try acting nicer to her rather than like he hates her. He then said that he does hate her and told me everything that my kids do that annoys him.

I guess hearing it like that has reiterated what I already knew. I've told him we are finished and we are currently not talking.

Our relationship is not great. We don't have anything in common and he makes no effort to get to know my family or friends. He has no interest in anything I do. Anything I enjoy, he refers to as "shit" and "a bore-fest". In regards to his family and his hobbies, I have to take an active interest or he sulks. I find everything about him negative.

The problem I have is finances. I live in partners house (he owned it long before I came on the scene). I work in a term time job so my wage isn't great. I did a benefit calculation and with top ups could definitely afford to rent on my own - but I need to muster some money together first, and can't do that on my wage.

I am so frustrated by it all, but desperate to leave asap. There's no way I can continue to pretend that everything is okay but don't know how the hell I can ever afford to move out.

Sorry for long post, any advice would be very welcome. Also, I am aware that I have subjected my two eldest to damaging behaviour and am expecting some criticism. They always just say "well that's what he's like" and don't seem too affected, but I know deep down that it must get them down. It gets me down enough being caught in the middle, so I know it's probably worse for them being on the receiving end.

[TigerLilyMasie]

Please OP end this relationship it is very very damaging to your children. Yes, I would say an emergency situation.

Your children are precious beings, this person needs to be removed from their lives. They are worth any upheaval.

At the end of it you will be enormously relieved and satisfied that you protected them.

If you don't the consequences for you and for them don't bear thinking about it.

[Anniegetyourgun]

OP also said that he was a good partner and appeared to be a good prospective step-father until he had her under his roof and with a new baby. It's a very common time for abusive men to flip. It takes a while for the victim to realise what's happening, a while longer to realise they should not be putting up with it, and a whole lot longer than that to take practical steps not to put up with it.

It is totally unfair to say she chose to have a baby with a man who abused her kids. He wasn't abusing them when she (accidentally) fell pregnant. She hasn't knowingly spent 7 years subjecting her lovely teenagers to a "monster". He didn't start on them until he had his own, who is still quite small (OP didn't specify other than "pre-school"). Even then you can be sure he started subtly. Now it has become impossible to misinterpret or gloss over, OP needs help and encouragement to get out of the situation, not another kicking. I'm sure she's kicking herself quite enough to be going on with.

[thethoughtfox]

You have made the decision to get out. Everything changes from here. Scoop up your kids ( doesn't matter how big they are) Tell them what you told us and they deserve better, you will protect them and will never let anyone treat them like that again; they deserve a safe and happy home and you are doing everything you can to make up happen as quickly as possible. The rest of your lives starts now.

[TruthOnTrial]

My attitude is to try to be supportive of someone who's reach of control doesn't match her partner's.

That is the point. She cannot control him, he controls them.

Women in such circumstances are blamed, and that misses totally the point of what DA is about.

She is not independent and is, or has been, under his sway and coercion, which has informed all her decision-making.

When did relationships become like aibu!?

Sound advice there from Dandelions

Its complex to understand from the inside, so understandable those on the outside commonly don't always understand.

Well done for asking the question despite how this must feel for you OP

[MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee]

Aw I’m sorry. Yes you need to get out of there xx

[Laura221]

If you can get a credit card/loan or borrow from family. Get yourself a little place and just go. X

[beanaseireann]

What attracted you to this charmer ?

[PurpleWithRed]

If you were my sister or my daughter I’d just give you what you need to get set up on the spot. I would also praise you to the skies for breaking free and give you as many hugs as you needed while thinking ‘there but for the grace of god go I’.

If you have people to turn to do it right now. for making the move.

[AdrenalinBrush]

Some of you just don't get it do you. If your DC don't love your partner to bits and vice versa, then don't move them into your house. Your DC have no option but to suck up bad behaviour and abuse because they have nowhere else to go. They are trapped. They will survive until they can leave.

I've been there myself as a step child and I can see it in my friends families. They think everything is great, that their DC love their new partner and their DC all get along swimmingly because they either keep quiet or say they are OK. Meanwhile they suffer from anxiety and get into trouble at school and the parents can't understand why because everything is hunky dory in their lives.

[Supergrassyknoll]

He sounds exactly like my mums boyfriend when my brother and I were teens, his language and behaviour had a lasting impact on us and our relationship with our mother who we, especially my brother, resented and blamed for the damage it caused, you'll get rid of this shit head ASAP if you have any sense.

[BrendasUmbrella]

Your priorities are fucked. Weigh up your embarrassment over asking for help versus your teenage daughter being called a skank by the grown man she's living with. Be as embarrassed as you like, but ask for help for your dc's sake. Now you're leaving he may be even more unpleasant. Get it sorted asap.

[Annonymiss123]

He refers to my daughter as "the tramp" or "the skank

The first time he said this is when you should have left.

Go now, and don’t look back,

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

Your children will know exactly what’s going on regardless of how well they hide it. As teenagers they will also know you had the power to change things and didn’t so they will know they were not priority. You may lose any relationship you have left with them.

You should have left a long time ago and ensured the children were free of it with access to counselling.

[Sarahisthatyou]

You are going to be so happy that you left him, well done on having kids as well behaved and adjusted but anyone calling my daughter a skank or tramp wouldn't be within a mile of my family. Good luck OP.

[SoftSheen]

He sounds utterly foul and I think you should separate immediately, for your children's sake and for your own.

[RickOShay]

I agree with pinkdandelions
The op is vulnerable, and in an abusive relationship, so why anybody thinks it’s ok to harangue her further is beyond me.
She needs to feel strong, how is berating her going to make her feel full of courage and resolve?
Really look at yourselves.

[DianaT1969]

Is there any chance he'll pay for you to move out? You tell him you'll get your own place if he gives you £2000 for example?

[Crazyladee]

I feel the OP has been getting a hard time on this thread. She is in an abusive relationship and she is getting a battering on her very own thread that she has created to reach out to people for advice, comfort and support. She has already said she has told her DP it's over. Why are people being so harsh? She's not said he is abusing her children but oh well I'm just going to sit back and do nothing!
Talk about kicking a woman whilst she is down.
OP you know what you need to do. You have reached that conclusion yourself. Please take care of yourself and your children and put the necessary steps into place to get out. Sending you support and hugs.

[BrigidSt]

Contact Women's Aid. A support worker will help you register for social housing, either council or housing association. On the forms you put down that you need to leave because of abuse. You will get priority for being at risk of homelessness, with children, but it still takes time. I applied in January, moved house in July. Paid a week's rent in advance on a council house for me and my son. Affordable. I packed in secret, big laundry bags, bedding underwear, towels, cutlery, lots of good suggestions on here already. WA have helped me get a cooker on a grant. Friends gave rugs, curtains, crockery. Social services came to see me to make sure my son is ok, he was, no further action. I looked for private rented for a year, nothing affordable. You can do it, it makes everything better. WA workers will meet you to talk outside your home, at your local GP surgery for example. It isn't impossible. Good luck, you're already doing it by acknowledging it. Much love and encouragement. Xx

[Mary1935]

I hope you do leave him. If he turns nasty call the police - you could apply for a non molestation/restraining order and you will be able to stay in the house for a while.
He’s abusive and I’m pleased you are planning on getting out.

[AdrenalinBrush]

Also, go to the CAB and they will be able to offer some advise and signpost you to places that can help you out.

A man referring to a teenage girl as a skank, tramp and using other language like c£nt is not one that your DC should be around for a minute longer. I think this is actually a safeguarding issue. If I heard that I would call the SS's.

[SaraNade]

To RickOShay and others, there is no evidence the OP is being abused apart from him sulking if she doesn't take an interest in his hobbies when he doesn't show interest in hers. She hasn't said she has been abused verbally or physically. Just that he hates her children. It is purely a case of a mother being with someone who hates her children and verbally abuses them.

[AdrenalinBrush]

OP, ask your DP for money to leave. He can only say no. He may not want to see his own DS homeless.

He may want to end it too after he has thought about it. You may be able to get a deposit out of him if he wants you all out too.

Worth asking?

[RickOShay]

How do you know SaraNade?

[SaraNade]

RickOshay how do you know she is? She hasn't said he has called her names, just her children. And she has said indicated he isn't physically violent. We can only go on the OP's posts, and there is nothing there to indicate she is being abused herself, she has been quite open so would have said if she is, so why assume she is? Not every woman who is with a partner who hates their kids is being abused. Many women (and I know a few, one at least who willingly abandoned her baby to be with a man who didn't want kids) just choose men over their children and are not abused.