Partner told me he hates my kids...it's over, isn't it

[littlegecko]

I apologise as this is going to be lengthy - I just need to clear my thoughts if I'm going to get any sleep tonight. (I've name changed for this post.)

I've been with my partner for 7 years and we have a pre-school aged son together. I have two teenage children from a previous relationship.

My teenagers are pretty typical teenagers. DD can be a bit feisty and is very messy. Her bedroom is always a tip and she leaves mess wherever she goes. Generally she's a good kid - she did brilliantly in her GCSEs, has lovely friends and works weekends - and has a very likeable personality. DS1 is also exceptionally good - he never has an attitude and we have had no issues with him. He is also very bright, has good friendships and a weekend job. Again, he can be a bit messy. I would say they are a very typical teenage boy and girl. People - ie family, colleagues, friends etc always say how lovely they are.

Partner generally has nothing good to say about them. He will point out every little thing that they do and make derogatory comments about them. I understand that their mess annoys him, but instead of asking them to tidy up nicely he will say stuff like "what cunt has left this spoon here" etc. He refers to my daughter as "the tramp" or "the skank".

He also moans about what they are doing in regards to school and says they will never be anything when they are older.

I am writing this and cringing...I don't know why I have let this go on. I guess I've had my head in the sand, just hoping things would get easier.

Partner criticises my parenting all the time and says I'm too soft.

This evening, my DD had left her bag on the sofa. Partner has started slagging her off to me and saying she's disrespectful, and I said that maybe he should try acting nicer to her rather than like he hates her. He then said that he does hate her and told me everything that my kids do that annoys him.

I guess hearing it like that has reiterated what I already knew. I've told him we are finished and we are currently not talking.

Our relationship is not great. We don't have anything in common and he makes no effort to get to know my family or friends. He has no interest in anything I do. Anything I enjoy, he refers to as "shit" and "a bore-fest". In regards to his family and his hobbies, I have to take an active interest or he sulks. I find everything about him negative.

The problem I have is finances. I live in partners house (he owned it long before I came on the scene). I work in a term time job so my wage isn't great. I did a benefit calculation and with top ups could definitely afford to rent on my own - but I need to muster some money together first, and can't do that on my wage.

I am so frustrated by it all, but desperate to leave asap. There's no way I can continue to pretend that everything is okay but don't know how the hell I can ever afford to move out.

Sorry for long post, any advice would be very welcome. Also, I am aware that I have subjected my two eldest to damaging behaviour and am expecting some criticism. They always just say "well that's what he's like" and don't seem too affected, but I know deep down that it must get them down. It gets me down enough being caught in the middle, so I know it's probably worse for them being on the receiving end.

Thanks again for you replies. And thanks to those who have taken a more empathic response.

I know somebody else pointed this out - but partner was not abusive at all when I got with him. I had known him for many years before, and never seen that side of him at all. When I said he had good morals, I meant that was how I had previously viewed him. He was never nasty to my children until we moved in to his house - I would not have left my home to be with him if I had known what this would turn in to.

It's very easy for people to say they would have upped and left straight away. That's pretty difficult when you have three children - two in secondary school who love their schools and friends and would not want to be uprooted into a different area. Because if we went down the emergency accomodation road, we would be placed miles away.

Going to a refuge is not really an option as they do not take boys over the age of 10. That would mean eldest son would have to be split from us.

Family could possibly put us up - again that would mean 4 of us staying in one room. That is not ideal, and before somebody says that's better than what we currently have - it would also be damaging for the elder two who need their own space.

For those who think I've stayed here a year and "done nothing" - I did speak to my eldest about leaving months ago. Neither of them wanted to - both worrying about where we could uproot to and if they would have to leave the area.

I've spoken to DD today, she's now worrying that she wouldn't be able to see partners mum and dad as she views them as grandparents. They are both elderly and have health issues. I've assured her that they would probably still want to see her.

Anyway...so last night I slept on the sofa. When I got up, partner is just talking to me like normal - no mention of last night. I am being civil, but off, as youngest child (he's 4 by the way and starts school in just over a week), is up and about and I don't know want him getting caught in the crossfire. He's a very family orientated little boy and switched on emotionally for his age.

Partner is out with his brother; me and the kids are meeting friends for the day.

My mind is still made up to leave, and I will start to sort things out properly when CAB and The Council are open on Tuesday.

He sounds horrific. Agree you need to get your ducks in a row as much as possible and get out of there.

You posted about this in October. I know it's hard to leave but you need to, this is ongoing and he isn't going to change. This could affect your children for many years to come, I am 31 now and left my abusive parent at 15 and it still affects me to this day. Do you want that for them?

I am glad you have had at least some support and empathy on your thread, and that you have already intervened in the ways you have.

Its very important the older ones are included in conversations about such huge events as much as possible, in the way you have included them. You are showing them respect and kindness, consideration and value for them as individuals with their own ideas about what might be best for them.

Most importantly, you have shown them the opposite to his treatment, so they know there is better, that not everyone is like him.

I feel sorry that you felt you needed to justify your actions on your own thread reaching out for help. There has been some very poor judgement bandied about on here.

. Strength to you for your decision. You are right.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds horrific for you. But I just couldn't live with someone who called my daughter a skank. It's a disgusting, foul word to use on anyone, let alone a child. Get all the support you can, and take time to make plans but get out as soon as you can.

What a vile man. Do you have parents or a sibling you could stay with temporarily?
I'd definitely ring shelter and your local council for some advice.

@PinkDandelions

Well said. A thoroughly constructive and helpful post unlike all the others piling on the OP or telling her to do what she's already said she's going to do.

Don't you all think she already feels guilty? Worried to death how she's going to support her children? Worrying how she's going to find them a home?

She knows she's got to get out, she is making plans. But she's not the bad guy here, her arse of a partner is.

I thought the Relationship topic was supportive. Not so much these days.

Yes, DC are harmed by abusers, as are DM s.

They are all treated badly and have their options limited by abuse, in so many ways.

DC do suffer, along with their DMs, but DMs get a lot more blame than the actual abuser, especially from the dc who think their dm can be stronger, more powerful, and more in control than an abuser, which is just not true.

DC look to someone, anyone, to make the abuser stop, because they can't make the abuser stop either. They want to be rescued, but they dont realise their DM is in that same boat at their level in many cases, and sometimes even lower than the DC who are used to also abuse the DM through the manipulations by the abuser.

he will say stuff like "what cunt has left this spoon here" etc. He refers to my daughter as "the tramp" or "the skank"

Wow, i didn't get any further than that. How does he think that's acceptable in any universe? You absolutely can't let your kids see that this is acceptable.

Really pleased that you can afford the rent on your own place. How much do you need for a rental deposit?

Figure out how to get that as quickly as you can. You have some options:

1. Stay where you are and save everything you can for the rest of this year. Could you save the deposit by xmas?

1. Speak to the friends/relatives you were embarrassed to speak to. Borrow the deposit, then live frugally to pay it back asap.

1. Move into one room in your parent's house and save the deposit there. It would be tough for a couple of months, but far less damaging to your children than emotional ("you'll never amount to anything") and misogynistic abuse.

I would favour 2 or 3. Depends if you can get over your embarrassment or not.

Ideas for money management :

YOU CAN DO IT - MUMS CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS !

1 - go to the council office and sit and wait to see the housing officer.
Take all your paper-work with you including birth certificates for you and the children, any passports, household bills with your name on and three months of bank statements - you can also show all of these on your phone and they will print them off for you.
Provided you have savings of less than £6000 and are in receipt of the child benefit payments they will process you for a Deposit Loan.
It will take three days to process and you will get an email to say you are approved.
A deposit loan will be worth just over £2000 for your size family and ages and genders of your children. This is because it will be based on the rent approved rate for your area (you can find this online but is roughly £819 for a three bed property in the south of england).

2 once you have approval you can contact local estate agents and letting agents to get yourself a private rental - ignore the thought that "no-one takes benefit people" - you have a job and your housing benefit payment will be included within your total universal credit so you do not need to worry at all.
Estate agents will all accept you and ask you to pay around £195 for a credit check. You may like to save for this bit - be sure you are going to pass it before you pay - if you have ccj's for example you wont pass and it will be a waste.

3 look online for properties, visit and take with you either a competent friend or the check list the housing officer gives you for assessing properties - it is really useful and stops you from accepting anything that would be unsafe - I would also recommend taking your older children with you when you look - teens are fab at picking up things you wont notice and its a start on rebonding your tight unit.

1. Fill in application for tennancy and universal credit and it will flow from there.

You can do all of this without notifying your partner. To cover costs going forward I would recommend keeping your term time job as it will be a god send with a little one and also because you don't actually benefit a great deal from extra income if you are then running yourself ragged with drop offs and pickups and child minders and all that jazz. A better way to increase income would be to use your school holidays to run a club that your own little un can go to with you - I choose to run easter and summer classes from my local village hall in primary level maths and english - I had three primary age children, did this for six years and made a good top-up income ( and managed to get two of mine into selective schools with all that extra learning !)

YOU CAN DO IT !! GO GIRL

Stay angry. That's the fuel you'll need to leave him. You'll be happier as soon as you don't have to deal with negativity.
I praise your children for being so good and patient.

You lost me at calling your DD a 'skank' and a 'tramp'.

OP, get your ducks in a row and leave this damaging man.

Please ignore the horrible blaming responses you've been getting OP. Today is the beginning of your new life x

OP a terrible situation to be in. So you could move out quick is there any possibility that family could lend you some money for a rental deposit and month rent, that way you'd be out in no time, with a decent roof over your head for you and your children. I was very lucky to have someone to lend me the money for me to do this, I hope you are. You would get help with benefits whilst your children are under 18. It's manageable for me.

He treats your children like dirt and this will be having a major effect on them. But he doesn't treat you much better does he? He sounds awful. Put them and you first.

I really despair sometimes at the number of threads where the op describes textbook coercive control, and still other posters pop up to protest that the op has not described anything abusive because she hasn't been beaten up or subjected to nasty language on a continual basis.

I think I've tried to minimise what's going on by comparing the two relationships and deciding this one is nowhere near as bad

Op, you are not the first and won't be the last woman to make this mistake after an abusive relationship. Abuse is about power and control, so identifying it lies in looking at patterns, motivations and outcomes of behaviour - not in comparing specific acts from one person to another or from one person to some kind of checklist of abusive actions.

You've realised now, and you're taking steps to leave, that is the important thing. You're doing a brave thing. If you could have left sooner you would have done, but you're doing it now.

Please bear in mind that just as you have found it difficult reaching the point of feeling able to end the relationship, and your emotions about it ending are complex, so it is the same for your children. Even though they are being abused, and are being damaged, the idea of losing what's familiar and known, of maybe losing love from people, is scary and is upsetting. There may also be an underlying worry that this is their fault. They might be resistant, but staying because of that would be a huge mistake.

The big difference from you to them is that they need you as the adult to categorically tell them that what is happening in their home - the way he treats them and you - is not normal and not acceptable. They need the adults in their life to tell them the things happening to them are wrong and to act to protect them, even when it's an upsetting process to go through.

They need you to give them the perspective they don't have - abuse has been their normal for a significant proportion of their childhoods so they don't have the same understanding of how life should be or why this is so bad - and children understand most things as "something bad happened, I must have caused it". Don't assume they know it's not their fault, tell them. Consistently.

Please don't lose sight of that as you go forward from here. I know it's really hard to keep perspective when you're in the thick of a situation like this. They will thank you as adults if you can do right by them now, protect them, and help them recover - and to know how to spot the warning signs of controlling, unhealthy relationships themselves.

Freedom Programme can really help you understand the impact this will have had and how you can support them to recover from it and learn what healthy relationships look like as they start their adult lives. It's so important you act to break this cycle for them.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - you can do the course online if you can't get to a group.

Good luck.

OP. I'm glad you've chatted to your DC about it already. I hope it all works out for you.

jellybean I have reported your post.
To say it doesn’t help in the circumstances is an understatement.

OP I’m so glad you’re getting calm intelligent advice from Truth and Nanny0gg for example.
It was Anniegetyourgun who explained to people the time frame of events, and that your children have been living with the abuse for four years, not seven (although we know that doesn’t make it okay).

The abuse started when you became pregnant and dependent, which is text book.

Stay single in future or if you can’t manage that then keep them separate from your kids.

Brilliant advice minibroncs cross-post.

OP I haven’t read the whole thread but I think some comments here are harsh. These things are often incremental, they get worse bit by bit and it’s not always noticeable until you look back. Of course it isn’t easy to leave and uprooting your children isn’t necessarily best until you have a firm plan.

Don’t be hard on yourself. Things are never black and white and you did what you thought was best at the time.

In this situation, I can only say better late than never.

Does he call your DD a tramp/skank to her hearing? Or just to your hearing?

I do hope this hasn't caused them unrepairable long term damage.

Please ask for help to get out.

Swallow your pride for the sake of your kids and yourself and just do it. There is no room for embarrassment here. If you tell them what you've told us I'm sure it's not going to be hard for them to help you.

You know you have to leave - if you wrote a list of pros and cons of staying the former would be negligible - no one is happy, your children are being verbally, mentally, emotionally abused.

There's good advice here on managing the finances - get planning and then get out. I'm certain you won't regret it for a second.