Partner told me he hates my kids...it's over, isn't it

[littlegecko]

I apologise as this is going to be lengthy - I just need to clear my thoughts if I'm going to get any sleep tonight. (I've name changed for this post.)

I've been with my partner for 7 years and we have a pre-school aged son together. I have two teenage children from a previous relationship.

My teenagers are pretty typical teenagers. DD can be a bit feisty and is very messy. Her bedroom is always a tip and she leaves mess wherever she goes. Generally she's a good kid - she did brilliantly in her GCSEs, has lovely friends and works weekends - and has a very likeable personality. DS1 is also exceptionally good - he never has an attitude and we have had no issues with him. He is also very bright, has good friendships and a weekend job. Again, he can be a bit messy. I would say they are a very typical teenage boy and girl. People - ie family, colleagues, friends etc always say how lovely they are.

Partner generally has nothing good to say about them. He will point out every little thing that they do and make derogatory comments about them. I understand that their mess annoys him, but instead of asking them to tidy up nicely he will say stuff like "what cunt has left this spoon here" etc. He refers to my daughter as "the tramp" or "the skank".

He also moans about what they are doing in regards to school and says they will never be anything when they are older.

I am writing this and cringing...I don't know why I have let this go on. I guess I've had my head in the sand, just hoping things would get easier.

Partner criticises my parenting all the time and says I'm too soft.

This evening, my DD had left her bag on the sofa. Partner has started slagging her off to me and saying she's disrespectful, and I said that maybe he should try acting nicer to her rather than like he hates her. He then said that he does hate her and told me everything that my kids do that annoys him.

I guess hearing it like that has reiterated what I already knew. I've told him we are finished and we are currently not talking.

Our relationship is not great. We don't have anything in common and he makes no effort to get to know my family or friends. He has no interest in anything I do. Anything I enjoy, he refers to as "shit" and "a bore-fest". In regards to his family and his hobbies, I have to take an active interest or he sulks. I find everything about him negative.

The problem I have is finances. I live in partners house (he owned it long before I came on the scene). I work in a term time job so my wage isn't great. I did a benefit calculation and with top ups could definitely afford to rent on my own - but I need to muster some money together first, and can't do that on my wage.

I am so frustrated by it all, but desperate to leave asap. There's no way I can continue to pretend that everything is okay but don't know how the hell I can ever afford to move out.

Sorry for long post, any advice would be very welcome. Also, I am aware that I have subjected my two eldest to damaging behaviour and am expecting some criticism. They always just say "well that's what he's like" and don't seem too affected, but I know deep down that it must get them down. It gets me down enough being caught in the middle, so I know it's probably worse for them being on the receiving end.

[namby]

I didn't read beyond calling your daughter a tramp and skank, how on Earth are you abiding that? You are just as much at fault for putting up with it frankly. Leave while you can still salvage your relationship with your children.

[almostn9ne]

You already know what you need to do.

Strength in taking the steps you known you need to take, sister x

[Aquathest]

Cross post with SuzieQ10 - you expressed the options much better

[BeBraveAndBeKind]

Seek help in any place you can find it. Your children need you to protect them. I was subjected to abuse like this as a teenager from an alcoholic step-parent and had no one defending me and I'm dealing with the fallout 20+ years later.

Wishing you all the courage and strength in the world.

[alwayslearning789]

"He also moans about what they are doing in regards to school and says they will never be anything when they are older."

My stepmother said exactly this.
Right down to the derogatory name-calling.

My brother and I were damaged for life. Never have felt good enough, always working to 'prove' ourselves... Even though we are considered 'high fliers' on the outside....

Both struggle with long term relationships.

Please - Find the strength and means to leave before the damage is too ingrained.

[confusedat30]

You can get help with a deposit and first months rent, go on your local councils website and get your kids out of there fast!

[ClemDanFango]

Is there family you can stay with while you save? Your children are being emotionally abused.
What about there dad? Is he on the scene? Can they stay with him? Anything to get them away from this abusive cunt.

[peachgreen]

Honestly, I can't believe you didn't start making arrangements to leave the first time he called your daughter a skank. Jesus.

[ClemDanFango]

Their 😳

[DrinkSangriaInThePark]

he will say stuff like "what cunt has left this spoon here" etc. He refers to my daughter as "the tramp" or "the skank"

I'm disgusted you've stayed this long.

Your poor, poor children.

[toffeepinklady]

You just need to leave. Echoing the poster above who said that the second best time to do this is now. Your relationship is emotionally abusive to your children as well as yourself. Speak to Citizens Advice and Women's Aid. Being clear on the abusive nature of the home circumatances may give you priority in social housing, or perhaps access to funds to leave. Best of luck, you are doing the right thing

[PumpkinP]

Not much shocks me but I actually was disgusted when I read your partner calls your daughter a skank and a tramp, my jaw literally dropped, I am so disgusted and I am a stranger on the internet how on earth have you her mother let him get away with this?! No man would ever speak about my child like that ever, yet your still with him and was apparently posting about him last year but still haven’t done anything about it? I’m sorry but I would be out the minute those words came out of his mouth. You are allowing this to continue.

[Bookworm4]

"the tramp" or "the skank"
That alone I would have knocked him out!
Utter scumbag wank, get all 3 of your kids out of that house even if you leave with only the clothes on your back.

[DishingOutDone]

Speak to your local CAB about your housing options next week - if you are term time only then you have a few days left before you go back, get this sorted out.

You have to split up. Is there any chance all 4 of you could go to live with family? You need to step up and be the adult here OP.

[notapizzaeater]

Is there no one you can go to in the interim ? I couldn't stay in that house, how dare he call them names and wtf where you doing letting him,

[littlegecko]

Thanks for replies. I need to hear this.

No excuse (I'm just needing to write all my thoughts down), but I think one of my main problems has been that my eldest's dad was very abusive - physically and mentally towards me. This abuse was extreme and continued after we split and is one of the reasons my eldest two are court ordered no contact with him.
I think I've tried to minimise what's going on by comparing the two relationships and deciding this one is nowhere near as bad...and also a part of me just doesn't want to admit that I have made another huge fucking mistake.

I'm not desperate to be in a relationship at all, I had a long period of being single because I was afraid of getting with another abusive man - and thought current partner was a good choice as I had known him for many years before getting with him. We didn't live together until youngest son was born - and that's when the issues started, he was initially very tolerant of my two until they lived under his roof.

Yes, I did post a year ago...I think things have just stealthily got worse since then.

I tried to take an empathic stance to partner's attitude...I have friends who constantly moan about their stepchildren and get upset that their partner's side with the kids over them.

I will go to the council this week and find out if there's any help available. I contacted a couple of estate agents earlier - I know I won't hear back until after bank holiday but it just gets the ball rolling and makes me feel like I'm doing something.

Thanks again for replying.

[tempester28]

You must leave him.

But as others have said, make a plan and then make it happen.

I am not going to criticise you, it is easy to become trapped in an intolerable situation. You know you can not let this go on. I wish you luck and hope you can free yourself and your children asap.

[littlegecko]

Also, I do say things to him when he calls the kids names, I don't completely ignore it. Then he won't do it until another "incident" sets him off.

The issue is, I should have upped and left the first time he did it.

I feel utterly chipped away at. I can't stand him. I'm so, so angry at myself.

[TimeForNewStart]

Have you told him you’re leaving?

[MsPavlichenko]

Please call WA. Also this. freedomprogramme.co.uk/

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

How come you decided to have a child with him if you hadn’t even lived with him first so didn’t know if he would make a good father? (I don’t think you can tell this about someone unless youve lived with them and really got to know them) Was it a contraception failure? Not having a go, I’m just curious. Were there any signs of bad attitude towards your kids before you moved in to his house? Did you only move in because you had the baby?

[DCITennison]

You have to to do anything and everything to get out. You owe your children that.

Get a loan, move in with family, move into a b&b. Beg, borrow or steal.

In fact, if their dad is on the scene then ask him to have them live with him until you can move out.

Speak to the kids, make sure they know that you will not allow his abuse of them to continue and you are doing everything possible to get them out as soon as possible. Apologise to them, and mean it.

I really hope they are pretty much at an age where maybe they could move out together, get away from the pair of you, they deserve better and I doubt they’re going to get that from you, unfortunately.

[AhhhHereItGoes]

I'm not going to pile on the hate.

What matters is what you do now.

Leave, don't look back.

Now your children are older, explain to them how you made a terrible mistake bringing this man into their life and are disgusted how he has treated them.

Reassure them you love them and think nothing like this of them.

Yes, you have let them down. It's a fact, not a beating stick. The problem with abusive situations is they tend to repeat themselves if boundaries and work is put together to prevent it from happening.

You know you made a mistake. But that mistake can only be acted on now.

Be strong for your children and provide the best example you can today.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Once you’re out, OP, I think you need to be having a big heart to heart to those kids and apologising for keeping them in their environment all that time. It’s not something they had any control over But you did and they will be wondering why, i’m Sure

[littlegecko]

I have told him it is finished and I am done.

He tried to give his point of view, I told him it doesn't really make a difference. He then went up to bed.

I don't worry about him turning violent or emotionally blackmailing me to stay as I think he will be quite happy for us all to go.