Partner told me he hates my kids...it's over, isn't it

[littlegecko]

I apologise as this is going to be lengthy - I just need to clear my thoughts if I'm going to get any sleep tonight. (I've name changed for this post.)

I've been with my partner for 7 years and we have a pre-school aged son together. I have two teenage children from a previous relationship.

My teenagers are pretty typical teenagers. DD can be a bit feisty and is very messy. Her bedroom is always a tip and she leaves mess wherever she goes. Generally she's a good kid - she did brilliantly in her GCSEs, has lovely friends and works weekends - and has a very likeable personality. DS1 is also exceptionally good - he never has an attitude and we have had no issues with him. He is also very bright, has good friendships and a weekend job. Again, he can be a bit messy. I would say they are a very typical teenage boy and girl. People - ie family, colleagues, friends etc always say how lovely they are.

Partner generally has nothing good to say about them. He will point out every little thing that they do and make derogatory comments about them. I understand that their mess annoys him, but instead of asking them to tidy up nicely he will say stuff like "what cunt has left this spoon here" etc. He refers to my daughter as "the tramp" or "the skank".

He also moans about what they are doing in regards to school and says they will never be anything when they are older.

I am writing this and cringing...I don't know why I have let this go on. I guess I've had my head in the sand, just hoping things would get easier.

Partner criticises my parenting all the time and says I'm too soft.

This evening, my DD had left her bag on the sofa. Partner has started slagging her off to me and saying she's disrespectful, and I said that maybe he should try acting nicer to her rather than like he hates her. He then said that he does hate her and told me everything that my kids do that annoys him.

I guess hearing it like that has reiterated what I already knew. I've told him we are finished and we are currently not talking.

Our relationship is not great. We don't have anything in common and he makes no effort to get to know my family or friends. He has no interest in anything I do. Anything I enjoy, he refers to as "shit" and "a bore-fest". In regards to his family and his hobbies, I have to take an active interest or he sulks. I find everything about him negative.

The problem I have is finances. I live in partners house (he owned it long before I came on the scene). I work in a term time job so my wage isn't great. I did a benefit calculation and with top ups could definitely afford to rent on my own - but I need to muster some money together first, and can't do that on my wage.

I am so frustrated by it all, but desperate to leave asap. There's no way I can continue to pretend that everything is okay but don't know how the hell I can ever afford to move out.

Sorry for long post, any advice would be very welcome. Also, I am aware that I have subjected my two eldest to damaging behaviour and am expecting some criticism. They always just say "well that's what he's like" and don't seem too affected, but I know deep down that it must get them down. It gets me down enough being caught in the middle, so I know it's probably worse for them being on the receiving end.

[CatteStreet]

I too would be looking into a refuge rather than carrying on exposing my children to this.

Once you are out, work urgently on yourself. How on earth did it come to pass that you were not out of there immediately the very first time he dared to refer to your daughter using those vile terms?

[OMGshefoundmeout]

A grown man who calls any child a tramp or a skank is a misogynistic waste of space. I’m glad you have come to see him for what he is and are putting your children first. I wish you all the best with moving on from this truly horrible person.

[Lovemenorca]

Your top priority

Needs to be to let your teenagers know that you see what’s going on; you hate it; and you’re putting together a plan to extricate you all from this foul man.

But OP, you must mean it.

[Lovemenorca]

No I wouldn’t be looking for a refuge

It’s so easy to throw that around. But it would be shocking upheaval and discomfort for the children.

Just talk to your teens so they know you’re with them and you’re formulating a plan and you will get them out. In the meantime, do whatever you can to limit interaction between him and your children.

[Mollyboboff]

Firstly have a mn bunch of
Well done for having your eyes opened and realising you need to make a new life for yourself and 3 kids.
Yes this is a big, scary, thing to do, but you know you have to do it.
Go to the council and tell them the situation, they may have a list of private rents and info of any financial help you might qualify for.
Yes to having a family member help with a deposit if they can.
You will come out of this ( after the initial shitstorm) a happier , stronger, more independent person. And 100% your teenage children will respect you for doing what's right and putting them first.

[SaraNade]

@TruthOnTrial You are absolutely delusional and giving very bad advice. While it's true that she can't control him, she can control her actions, her decisions, and putting her children in harm's way. This isn't about women blaming women, this is about people like yourself enabling a mother putting a man before her children. Posters have posted evidence on here of how damaged they themselves were, they never forgive their mother, as she is the one who put them in harm's way, when she should have been the protector, one said she left home and never saw her mother ever again. You need to give your own head a wobble because your enabling attitude is how it all happens.

[SaraNade]

@Lovemenorca It would be a relief for the children to be out of there, believe me. 'Formulating a plan' doesn't help, they need to be out of there TODAY, and not stay one minute longer. A refuge will be infinitely better and the children will thank her.

[Lovemenorca]

@SaraNade

You don’t know teenagers well, do you?

Thankfully the OP does. And I’d be floored whether many mothers would take their teens to a refuge instead of talking seriously to the teens and saying that she’s on it and will get them out.

[Underworld345]

You’re doing the right thing.m, just make sure you carry it out. As an adult now who had a step mum similar to your DP, I was definitely affected by it. She probably said a lot of stuff behind our backs but was also very verbally aggressive directly to us. I hated my home life during my teenage years due to her.

Get out for your kids - it’ll only get worse.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

To be fair to OP, I also once found myself in a similar position and it creeps up on you. The men tend not to object to the children (and may be very loving towards them) until they hit puberty and start becoming more opinionated. Just like all abusive men, they don't reveal their true tendencies until they have you well trapped.

I'd be willing to bet, OP, that he'd start treating your pre-schooler exactly the same once that child reached teenage years. Sounds like he was parented in a similar way.

But for all that, and the denigration of your hobbies and life too, you need to get out.

[SaraNade]

@Lovemenorca Yes, I do. I sense you don't though. It's clear you don't understand how serious this is and the effect on these vulnerable teenagers. Refuges exist to help people in this situation. That is why they exist! You don't understand. 'Talking' to them is one thing. She needs to get out TODAY. What is it that you don't grasp about that?

[TruthOnTrial]

Think you'd best run WA then, see how far you get treating women that way!

Vile attitude.

Yes, dc do absolutely blame their dms. Its also true to say that many dc go on to continue relationships with their abusive dfs, dms are rejected and sometimes killed, including the dc.

So dont tell me I'm delusional, as that sounds just like abusers speak, and I'm truly surprised to hear all this blaming on a relationship thread.

You think she has control of this man somehow, shes already admitted shes trapped, not just financially.

Its a complex issue, and you have to ask yourself why women are killed, or why they 'dont/cant' leave - or is that their fault too, going on your theory, yes.

Those minimising shame also need to have a hard think

So easy to judge her for his abuse, she came here for help, feeling embarrassed to speak about it.

Please call WA OP, they wont treat you this way.

They do know how to help you, and to put you in touch with support local to you.

Also, I think there could be some help available financially for deposits and moving via the council, because of your situation. Again, if you have help locally, you could be supported with accessing services and funding.

[Ohflippineck]

Why is everyone telling OP she needs to get out?
She has 3 children whose lives should be disrupted as little as possible. He is the one who has to leave.
Many solicitors will give an initial consultation free, or at very low cost. You need to establish exactly what your legal rights are then, with support and someone there with you, tell him to go.
Is he violent?

[Belfield]

Your teenagers know what is going on. I’m sorry OP but I don’t believe it’s over. This has been going on for years. You are talking about how he was kind etc. and then financials and embarrassment over telling people. All this is more important than your DC. There are women who put men before children and you are one of them. Your DP talks to you about your children like that because he can. Based on how well your children are doing, they are probably planning their exit once they reach age. Have they discussed with you when they plan to move out?

[PositiveVibez]

I tried to take an empathic stance to partner's attitude...I have friends who constantly moan about their stepchildren and get upset that their partner's side with the kids over them

I am flabbergasted by this comment. An empathetic stance towards a man calling your kids cunts and skank????

Get out of his house as soon as possible!!!! Your daughter is going to end up with a man just like him. All she has known in her life is abusive men. Your son will treat women like this. All he has seen in men treating women like shit.

It is YOUR responsibility to show them that this is not fucking normal.

You need to seek help and get some counselling once you and your children are away from this toxic shit head

[EdWinchester]

I am surprised you’re asking the question.

He sounds absolutely awful.

Put your children first and stop subjecting them to this.

[Ohflippineck]

My apologies: just the-read, had missed completely that he owns the hone, which of course changes things.
Do you have supportive family? If you were my daughter I would want you and the kids back with me if possible whilst we sorted out housing.

[Ohflippineck]

Re-read and home. Stupid predictive text.

[Henrysnoopy]

Please take action today not posting again in another years time op

[SaraNade]

@TruthOnTrial It is exactly what WA says, your attitude is vile and completely unrealistic. Again, I never said she can control him, you didn't even read my post correctly. I said she CANNOT control him, BUT, she CAN control her actions and her decisions. As a mother, she has a duty of care to put her children first above all else. Any WA will tell you this. By remaining in the situation, it is allowing the abuse to continue and is called by WA 'enabling'.

[SaraNade]

@Ohflippineck OP has already said he owns the house, it is his, he owned it before she and kids moved in. What children need is emotional safety. Better their lives be disrupted than for them to stay in this situation. I am sure most would agree on that.

[WelcomeToShootingStars]

So which is the better option here? You suffer a little embarrassment and get the help you need to get your children out of there now, or your children continue to be treated like shit by him?

Grow up and put your children first for God's sake.

[Howzaboutye]

Do a Kickstarter for the money to help you leave.
Well done on seeing him for who he really is.
LEAVE

[PinkDandelions]

It always flaws me how abusive other women and mothers on this forum can be to victims of domestic abuse.

OP you are recognising it now and that is a great place to start - it is always better than next week or next month or next year.

I work in this area and would advice you to;

1. Put yours and children's documents (passport, birth certs etc) in a safe place, preferably outside of your own home eg at your parents or a very trusted friend.

2.Call shelter for advice on your housing entitlement

1. Speak to CAB about benefit entitlement

1. THEN speak to housing when you are informed on your entitlement and rights. Many local authorities will support people like you by providing deposit and first months rent to get you into private rented to stop you being their responsibility as there isn't enough social housing stock.

1. Seriously consider staying with family whilst you get this sorted - his behaviour will either get worse or become sickly sweet and perfect to make you forget how abusive he can be - don't allow him that control

Please please also contact domestic abuse services in your area and ask about the Freedom Programme (it has some other names - Triple R programme for example). You need to take the time to inform yourself and reflect on how you ended up here again to protect yourself from the same in the future.

Good luck OP - you can't change what's already happened, no one has a magic wand, but you can take steps to change what happens next.

[LuciferTheCat]

Your kids sound great OP, and it’s lucky they haven’t been majorly affected by his behaviour. He’s disgusting.